If I am knitting, everything must be okay, right?

This week's blog comes courtesy of My Michelle.

I’ve grown up in a family of knitters – my sisters knit, my mother knitted, my grandmother knitted, Richard’s mom knitted, my sister in law is a fabulous knitter and I am sure there is a much deeper legacy if we go back in the family tree, of knitters.  Some of my most prized possessions are those little keepsake sweaters and baby blankets that my mom and sisters had knitted for each of our children upon their birth.  I have those tucked away and ready to pass on to our children when the time is right, and they bring little ones into the world.  

I had mentioned before, that my mother had a severe stroke several years ago now.  In her home, there is a small wooden chest that was made from a refurbished piece of furniture from her childhood home, and in it she had stored all of her knitting books, needles and odds and sods. I know there are some little buttons she had picked up to put on a sweater for one of the grandkids in one of the drawers, leftover yarn from projects she finished in another little corner, vintage pamphlets and patterns that she either made or always planned to get to in the bottom drawer, but time got away on her.

Richard’s mom, so proud of her son going to Queen’s University, knit him this amazing tricolour scarf – it must be at least 12 feet long, with this knotted fringe, you can wrap it around your neck several times and have lots of length left.   A lot of love and pride went into it’s making.  Every homecoming weekend we were able to attend, we would dig out that scarf and Richard would put on his Queen’s jacket and we would blend into the crowd of other proud graduate students out to cheer on the Queen’s Golden Gaels football game – belting out our “Oil thigh…..”.  When our daughter was accepted at Queens, Richard passed the scarf on to her and it had a place of honour and on display in residence at Victoria Hall, and later in her student apartment and it will carry on there for another couple years as she does her graduate work at Queens.  Oh, the stories that old scarf could tell!  My sister in law who is a world class knitter, knit me this amazing fair isle sweater from a pattern I had found in an old British magazine.  I wore that sweater for many years on my treks around Queen’s campus, the envy of many I am sure!  I still have that sweater and wear it every fall.  

I have also been known to break out the needles now and again and knit. I don’t seem to remember a time of learning to knit, it was just a natural thing, I think I just kind of learned it from watching my mother knit.  As a university student and when money was tight, I remember making home knit gloves for all of my friends at Queens, with these pretty cables on the wrist – I was pretty proud of how they turned out.  I remember knitting Richard this dark green sweater one year as well, again money was tight, but that sweater was made with love.  We were married for 7 years before we were blessed with our first son, Jonathan and it wasn’t an easy pregnancy.  I remember my younger sister had knit me a little lumbar pillow to help me get comfortable, I still have that little pillow tucked away.  My older sister Dianne knit a beautiful christening shawl for our children, and it is a treasured family heirloom.

But like most things, it’s hard to find time and energy to knit when you are busy with juggling a family with 2 careers, commuting, pursuing graduate school, and raising a family.  Now and again over the years, I’ve made a project or two, but it has really been since Richard was diagnosed that I’ve started to pick up the needles and work on a few things.  Stress knitting you might say.  I’m really into knitting home made socks, and always looking for a challenge, I  have worked out a few original designs, borrowing something from this pattern, and something from that pattern and working out the math (yes I manage to work in the geekiness, being a science girl at heart), to create something new.  I finished a pair and sent it to our daughter at Queens to keep her warm shortly after he was first diagnosed.   I’ve finished 4 pairs while he was on the first round of chemo.  Knitted a sweater on the 2^nd round of chemo.  Started more socks on the 3^rd round of chemo – I was in a bit of a knitting obsession you might say.  Then as the news got worse, the knitting started to drift away.  Richard and the kids keep trying to get me back on track, gave me some more wool for Christmas and a beautiful knitting bowl to hold my yarn, a few books and patterns, and yet it still sits in the bag.  I have a beautiful sweater I started that still sits on the needles.  I seem to have lost the spark, and I don’t know why.  

I think it may have something to do with how knitting is more than just knitting to me.  It’s creating something for someone to give away, for them to enjoy and wear, often attached to life milestones or holidays.  My subconscious  (well now that I am thinking about it) my conscious mind, is kind of blocking me because I don’t want to associate this next project with the troubled times we are treading.  

I think the day will come, when I’ll be able to pick up the needles again, and maybe then the rhythmic motion, stitch counting, and creating will bring me comfort.  I have a whole queue of projects and people waiting for things, not the least is our son Josh and a nice toque (I haven't forgotten Josh),  
Maybe I can make something from my mother’s little dresser and have a part of her with me or give away to my siblings, we miss her so.  Maybe I can get that Queens scarf back from Sophie and give it a place of pride around my neck and celebrate the many happy memories of a family well loved, and my Richard.

Knitting is like a little bit of home to me,

Love Michelle

Lean Mean Cancer Fighting Machine!

Well it is hard to believe that I am already completed my second round in my new cancer trial. Time does fly by. The first round really knocked me down for a few days but so far the second round doesn't seem to have as much punch as the first. I seem to have bounced back quicker this time. I am so thankful because I was out of commission for quite a few days the last time with extreme fatigue and soreness.

This week, I was late arriving for my treatment due to an accident on the 404, which created a huge back up of traffic for what seemed like kilometres. I could feel my stress levels going up as I have never missed or been late for an appointment so far. I was worried that I might have to wait for another opening later in the day and this was a concern as it was already going to be a seven hour day as it was, or even worse, it could have been cancelled and need to be rescheduled.  Luckily it did not delay the start of my treatment and I was able to start up fairly quickly after my arrival. 

As I sat waiting to be paged to my chemo suite, I scanned the room (as I always do) and noticed a man across from me wearing a t-shirt that caught my eye. It had the following statement on it: Lean, Mean Cancer Fighting Machine. This really struck me. What a great statement! What an empowering statement. It was true. Each of us here waiting for our buzzers to go off to let us know we were ready to start our treatment were fighters. (Yes, when I say buzzer, I mean like a little buzzer you get when you are waiting for a table at "The Keg").  We are all mean, lean cancer fighting machines! Well to be honest, I'm not that lean, and I'm really not that mean, but definitely a cancer fighting machine! I knew right then and there that I needed one of those t-shirts!  I quickly searched it up on Amazon, and wouldn't you know it, my t-shirt has been ordered and should ship in a few days. I will wear it with pride.

Once my buzzer went off and I entered the "purple" chemo section of the hospital and settled into my chair, wouldn't you know it but the man with the Lean, Mean, Cancer Fighting Machine t-shirt was seated directly opposite of me. I just had to tell him that I liked his t-shirt. He smiled and stated that a friend had bought it for him after his cancer had come back for a second time. He was starting treatments today to try to beat cancer yet again. What a cancer fighting machine!

I overheard one of the nurses tell him that they treat over 150 people per day in the chemo suites on the fourth floor. There are 18 floors at the Princess Margaret hospital. No matter which floor I visit, it seems to be full of patients and hospital staff. From young to old, from the hardy to the extremely frail, from those that can walk independently to those that have to be transported by wheelchair, all races and diverse backgrounds are represented here. Cancer doesn't discriminate. It still surprises me to this day what an impact cancer has on so many of our lives. I did not see it or take the time to see it before I had cancer, for that I am remorseful.

After seven long hours at the hospital, I began the journey back up the 404 in stop and go traffic to return to my home, sweet, home. My family was anxiously waiting for my arrival (calling me in the car for arrival time status updates). It is amazing how as soon as you pull into your driveway, your stress levels go down and you can finally begin to relax after an intense day. A bit to eat, a cold drink, resting on my patio and filling Michelle in on the day's adventures were next on the agenda.

Going to Princess Margaret now has become a fairly routine event in my life. I go at least a few times every other week. I am getting pretty familiar with the hospital itself, the routines and procedures that will happen during treatment and I even know some of the staff by first name now. I am so thankful for the wonderful care that I am receiving there but deep down I wish that I did not have to go there and this wasn't part of my life. 

"You have been assigned this mountain to show others it can be moved." ~ Author Unknown

I am a lean, mean, cancer fighting machine and I've got my whole team in my corner!

Richard

 

Journey vs. Battle

When I started my cancer blog over a year ago now, I struggled with what terminology I would use to discuss and share my own personal experiences along the way. Was it a cancer journey or a cancer battle? Was I fighting and battling cancer or was I dealing with a disease that would change my life. How would we handle it? How would we navigate what was yet to come?

Before starting my blog I skimmed some other cancer blogs and found that most were referring to their journey as a 'battle' or 'fight' against cancer. They included a lot of war terminology that seemed harsh and inappropriate to me at the time but now that I have been on this journey and have experienced all that cancer brings to my life and my family's life, it really is an accurate metaphor for the journey. I had purposely chosen to use the word 'journey' instead because I preferred to use non violent terms of reference and wanted to remain optimistic and positive throughout the posts but make no mistake this is a battle! This is the fight of my life, so I thought for this blog, I'd try using the battle analogy - maybe it reflects a little how I am feeling today!

Mission Possible?

Right from the start of this journey/battle/fight we were given terrible odds of winning (or surviving really). When you are told that you have three months to a year to live at your first appointment with your oncologist, your heart sinks, you feel hopeless and finding the will to 'fight' on doesn't really enter the picture at that particular moment in time. Surprisingly after the reality and scope of the situation finally does sink in, you quickly realize all that you have worth 'fighting' for, you regroup or pivot, you plan your 'strategies of attack' and your formulate the 'ongoing battle plan' to 'fight' back against this worthy enemy. 

Using Every Tool Available in my Arsenal

From the beginning of my cancer diagnosis, my  team has used every treatment option available to 'battle' my cancer. I have gone through radiation and three different chemotherapy treatments and now two clinical trials. Although my cancer did 'retreat' back a few times during these treatments, it ultimately fought back and moved on to new battlegrounds in my body. As Michelle likes to point out and remind me, we may have lost these battles but they did provide me/us with additional time and I am still here today fighting on, twenty one months later, still able to talk about the fight and still able to battle on. It's not over yet!

Collateral Damage

I have experienced some side effects as a result of my treatment regimens that have included an ongoing compromised immune system, various side effects with various levels of discomfort, pain and intensity.  My body weight continues to fluctuate and has once again begun to decrease due to an ongoing lack of appetite and some difficulty swallowing. Increased pain and soreness in various regions of my  body and some sleepless nights are the new norm for me I guess. 

One piece of collateral damage for cancer patients that doesn't get talked about much is the emotional side of cancer and the toll that cancer takes on the patient, caregivers and family. Your emotional quality of life and that of your family suffers.  You are constantly fighting off negative emotions, moments of despair and melancholy. You are scheduling your life between appointments, treatments and recovery days. Your hopes and dreams for the future are pushed to the here and now. You see others that are moving forward with their lives and planning for the future, exploring fun and exciting retirement options and you just can't help but feel a little jealous and envious of them. We should be doing this too! Your children's lives are also impacted by the 'battle'. Although they try to move forward and continue on as normal as possible, it's not normal and will never be normal again. Cancer is not going away. The worry and concerns are always there. It is hard to focus on your own new exciting life journey when they see the struggles and worries in their parents.  The lingering cloud of what is to come is always just a thought away.

Army of Support

Every 'war' needs a strong army to 'battle'. I can honestly say that I feel that I have a strong army of support with me, every step of the way. I am so thankful for the 'army of support' that we have received along the way. This blog has allowed me to share my journey and in turn learn about the personal 'battles' that many of you are facing or have faced yourself. We have come to realize that you can not fight this 'battle' alone and that it takes a community of supporters to help along the way. We are so grateful to have you by our side and for your words of encouragement, support and prayers. 

Fighting the Good Fight

We will, as a family, continue to 'fight' the good 'fight' for as long and as hard as possible. It has not been easy. This is a battle of wills and I can be very stubborn if I have to be!

Whatever I/we choose to call it, it is the fight of my life. I am just a stubborn as cancer can be. 

"We will never surrender!" ~ Winston Churchill

Thanks for supporting me along the way.  

Richard

33

Well the first week of my new treatment is now over. Time keeps moving forward. I am so glad that this new option is available to me at this time and we were not left waiting. 

How am I doing?:

Thankfully my first treatment on the clinical trial seems pretty uneventful overall. I spent the night at Princess Margaret at the phase 1 clinic on Monday and had tests and appointments for most of the day on Tuesday. It was a long two days for sure and while this treatment has less ongoing blood samples and monitoring and only one overnight stay this time around, the treatment itself does seem to be more intensive and a little harder on me and my system overall. 

Tired:

I am definitely more tired than usual this time around. It could be partly due to the lack of sleep during my stay at the hospital. I can't really sleep well in the hospital. I think I mentioned this before in a previous post, but their pillows suck! I have a firm, memory foam pillow at home and they have flat, thin pillows. Not a match for me that is for sure. I did get to watch hockey game seven between the Leafs and the Habs on my laptop but as we now all know, the outcome was not what I was hoping for. Will we ever make it to round two in the playoffs! 

Are naps my new normal?:

I think I went for at least four naps yesterday. Definitely not my usual self. I am normally lucky if I fit one good nap in. Oh well, I have to give myself a bit of a break as I did just start a new cancer treatment. I can't expect to be peppy and ready to go all the time. Just taking some time to enjoy my time on the backyard deck, listening to the birds and surveying the gardens and spending time with a good cup of coffee and talking to Michelle and the kids, is good enough for today.

3 is my Lucky Number:

Today Michelle and I celebrate 33 years as a married couple, but we have known each other for 35 years. Amazing really not only how fast time has gone by, but also how lucky I have been to find my soul mate.  Who knew that night 35 years ago when I asked her to dance and she said "yes", that we would build such an amazing life together.  I must say, that  based on my prognosis, I did not expect to be here to celebrate this milestone this year, that is for sure. We are so glad that we can celebrate together. We had plans for a beautiful dinner on the deck tonight, but we are just going to push that out to next week, and hopefully I'll feel a little more like myself.  Ice cream, now that still goes down ok.  For our wedding dinner, we had strawberry ice cream parfaits for dessert - we are going to indulge in that tonight - a strawberry shake for me and the sundae for Michelle (and I am sure she will find some way to include chocolate sauce, LOL).  

Three has always been a lucky number for me and this year is a double three for us, so come on numbers, bring me a little luck. 

Here's hoping for as many more years as possible (with many more ice creams and with a strawberry on top!)

Richard