Targeting Pain Relief

This week's blog is co-written by Michelle and Richard. 

It's been a longer week than normal for me.  I've spent most of the time sleeping in my bed upstairs and struggling to manage my various pains - in my back, in my neck, all over really.  Once it starts to gain hold, it's really hard to get back on top of it.  We have tried different drugs and treatments, and finally we think we have a solution in place to solve the pain issue.  One thing about pain meds is that they also make you sleepy, and also create other side effects and problems as outlined in my previous blog post, Pain in the @#$% !

This week has also saw progress in other ways - I now have a hospital bed on the main floor to make things a little easier for me, as well as a shower bench, a walker and a wheelchair (just in case I will need it).  I have a nurse coming in daily and she provides much needed care for me and support for Michelle.  She has been with me during these days of sorting out my pain and other symptoms and so it is very helpful to have this continuity of care.

In addition, my care has been streamlined.  My pain meds are now managed with a pain pump and my meds are cut down to just the essential things to give me comfort and care.  This has been very helpful as I've had a bit of nausea, so now we are by-passing that and the drugs get right where they need to be and when.  This takes a big burden off of us as we had a large number of pills and different timing to take them, so this is all much easier now.  Less running up and down the stairs for Michelle.  We also have our Dr. come to our home as well as other essential services, again making things easier and able to stay Home Sweet Home.

Though things have declined for me this week healthwise, there continues to be hope as other things get more manageable - such as my pain.  I had to cancel a number of visits this week with family and friends which was very hard for me to do.  Hopefully we can get these re booked over the coming weeks.

I'd also like to thank all of you who are dropping off goodies for our family - I've had a number of butter tart deliveries - how did you all know they are my favourite!   We really appreciate all of your efforts - life is so busy for all and that you took this time to bring us some sweetness is overwhelming.  

Sugar seems to give pain relief too!  As Mary Poppins would say " just a spoonful of sugar, helps the medicine go down" and it really does!

Richard & Michelle

Home is where the heart is......

This week's blog is co-written by Michelle and myself, a new way to get the blog done on time and with some sort of coherence!   These pain medications sure do play tricks on the mind and I do find it hard to type and write a sentence.

I am fully switched over to palliative care now. Luckily they have a great unit and team of doctors to care for me and us right here in Newmarket. Which is such a blessing, being so close to home, and actually, in our home. So what exactly is palliative care? Up until this point, I didn't really understand it myself. 

Basically, palliative care starts when all other treatments and options have been unsuccessful and the focus of care is on comfort and maintaining the best quality of life for as long as you can.  It is a time for thinking and preparing for difficult decisions and moments, and for having the supports as they are needed in place, whether that is for personal care, nutrition, pain management and support for our family.  It takes great people to be able to work in this area - I really take my hat off to them - it can't be easy.  I also never realized how many people, roles and agencies were involved in the care of someone at home.  It is just amazing and that this seems to all come together.  Again, my thank you for the team at Southlake for their efforts on my behalf.

I am so pleased to still be at home and managed at home.  We are still sorting out the right balance of pain medication to help with my back pain, but also keep me well enough to be up and able to connect with my family.  Right now, I sleep a lot - I mean a lot and in sleep I have less pain, but I do not want to sleep my life away.  I do not have much of an appetite, but I do find that the sweets do go down pretty well!  Michelle has kept me in "butter tarts" and for that I am thankful LOL.

We have been working to get some visits in with family and friends as I can, and this has been so good for my morale.  For some reason I've lost my taste for coffee which is odd, but I love to get together with others and let them have coffee while we visit.

As we head into this long weekend, the last one of summer, treasure your family,  spend time together, and I know that you too will appreciate "there is no place like home".  

Home is where the heart is........

Richard & Michelle

This week, it's your turn!

This weeks blog comes courtesy of My Michelle

This week, it’s your turn to write the blog Michelle!

We are all so amazed that Richard has posted over 100 blogs and continues to share his personal cancer journey and its impact on our lives, over the past two years without missing a single week.  There may even have been a time or two, when there were two entries in a week!  Unbelievable!  Sometimes when we set ourselves a goal, it is human nature to pursue it with all “pistons firing” for the first attempts or two, but then with time, we tend to wane and ease off.  Not Richard.  He has approached the blog and communication with you, with the same grit, determination and commitment that he approaches his life, and this recent chapter – his battle with cancer.  But on occasion, he ropes me in and asks me to do a guest blog.  This week he was sure to remind me (many times I might add) that “this week, it’s your turn”.

I find this week however, that I don’t have a lot to say, feel “yes”, but say “no”.  There have been times this week when I have been overwhelmed, I have been exhausted, I have been sad, and yes, I must admit – I have been angry that this is what life has dealt us and at the prime of our lives.  The rational side of me knows that cancer does touch so many families and their loved ones, why should we spared?  

This week, I’ve also been touched by the generosity of others, your responsiveness, willingness to help, and reaching out to Richard to share a smile or two.  I know it is very difficult and hard to know what to say or do.  At times I don’t know what to do myself.  But I wanted to say that just by reaching out and letting us know you are thinking of us, is very helpful.  Keeping in touch with him is invaluable in terms of keeping his spirits up.  We are trying to get in some visits now and again over the coming days and weeks with family, friends and colleagues as Richard feels up to it which is usually every other day for about a hour.

This week, we also felt pride.  Last Friday, July 16th our son Jonathan completed his “century ride” in honour of his dad and raising money to support the “Ride to Conquer Cancer”.  He achieved 100 miles cycling in one day.  Richard, despite being just discharged from hospital, was able to make it to one of the rest stops we had arranged and show his love and support for Jon and his efforts. A cheerleading squad like no other.  Your support continued to roll in – and at the last 18 kms to go, an additional $500 in donations came in – giving Jon the impetus he needed to finish it off.  It was close to 2 am when he rolled in, finishing the ride.

This week (and everyday), I am amazed at our wonderful children.  This week and every week, our son Josh is so caring and concerned for his dad, stopping on his way home from work, and bringing home “treats” or anything he thinks might tempt Richard to eat and take in some more calories.  He is a big supporter of the Timmie’s Run for cinnamon buns with extra frosting, or a mango hurricane from Booster Juice, two things that always seem to tempt Richard (although not the most nutritious – but who cares!).  Sophie remains laser focused on her Opal and Fern business and her graduate school preparations, consulting with Richard along the way on the direction of her business and her study plans.  She is home with us 24/7 electing to “work from home” and spend the summer with us and Richard, giving and receiving the gift of time together.

This week has gone by way too fast, as they all do.  I know I said I didn’t have much to say, but I guess in the end, I really do.    Most of all, what I’d like to say this week – while I may have grumbled about it at the time – “Thank you Richard” for the opportunity to have this voice and blog, thank you for our wonderful life together,  thank you for being such an inspiration and handling all of this with dignity, grace and undaunting spirit.  

You are my hero.

All My Love,

Michelle XOX

PS.  Next week, it’s back to you Richard! It's your turn.

What a Difference Two Weeks Makes!

Well thank goodness I had already prepared the 100th blog and only had a few minor changes and edits or most likely there would not have been a blog ready for last week's 100th edition. Let me explain further.

We have been planning a family vacation for some time now and last week was the week! We had booked one beautiful week at a cottage up in the Haliburton Highlands outside the town of Bancroft. We were all looking forward to it, time away from home, getting back to nature and hopefully some time to take our minds off our life circumstance and just relax and maybe get out on the lake. The weeks leading up to the vacation did not look promising as my aches and pains did not provide me with my comfort and we worried that I couldn't make the car ride and the fact that we would be two and half hours away from the larger hospitals. Michelle even asked if we should postpone or cancel but we make the decision to continue on (we could always turn back or come back home if needed), besides there was a small hospital in the town of Bancroft that we could get to. It would be all right, but I knew she was uncomfortable with the plan. We packed up the car (to the brim, I might add) and made our way. Josh and our dog Lily stayed home because he had to work and we knew Lily would add extra stress at the lake. Josh would be joining us later in the week. 

Michelle drove us all up to the cottage and we made it there in record time. I started to get chills and the shakes in the car ride up (thank goodness for Lily's blanket that we found in the back seat) , but it was a very hot day and we had the air conditioner on full tilt, especially so it would reach Jon and Sophie in the back seat.  We didn't think too much of it, because Michelle was also cold in the car, and thought perhaps it was the A/C.  When we arrived, I did what I could to help them unpack the car, but still felt chilled, so I went straight to bed. I kept saying how cold it was in the cottage, but that didn't make sense as Michelle and kids were hot, and did not find the cottage cold at all.  

I developed a high fever on the first night there, but it came down with tylenol and advil.  Michelle and the kids wanted to pack up and go home, if it wasn't for my stubbornness, I think that is what we would/should have done.  But to be honest, I downplayed it, and said we should try to stay. The fever did go down on Tuesday and we spent some lovely time during the day down by the water (although I did spend most of the day in bed too). I was feeling warm Tuesday night, my temp was just under the fever threshold of 38, but clearly something was not right and at 2 am, Michelle had the kids packing up and on standby ready to go.  She had already scoped out the nearest hospital, but again the temp came down hovering around normal, and I wanted to wait. Actually I was adamant that we wait. I did not want to ruin the family trip.  By Wednesday the fever had returned sitting at the threshold of 38 (it was heavily raining and wet), Michelle came into the room and quietly said, we can be packed up and ready to go in 5 mins - I need you home and in Newmarket. Bad things don't just go away, fevers just aren't a symptom to be ignored.  I finally agreed, and we packed up and came home. To be honest, I just wanted to crawl into my own bed.

After consulting with our medical team  we headed to the emergency department as we were getting quite concerned about what was happening. Princess Margaret Hospital was calling ahead to ensure they knew my medical history and that we were coming.  To make a long story short, after spending fourteen hours (that is not misprint, 14 hours - 13 of which were in a chair and crowded in a waiting room in the ER), I was finally admitted to the hospital.  For 1 hr of the wait, we had an exam room with a bed in it, and there was no way Michelle was going to let them kick us out of the room until I was admitted!  We were able to turn the lights down low and I was able to stretch out and have an ice pack, which helped a lot to make me more comfortable while we continued to wait.

They have done a series of tests during that fourteen hours and now that I've been in hospital as well as running a cocktail of antibiotics. The news that we were hoping not to have to hear (for quite a bit longer), were finally being spoken to us. The tumours were continuing to grow.   I would be moving on to palliative care focused on pain management rather than fighting the disease itself any further.

I am still in the hospital for a week now, trying to find the correct combination of painkillers to live as comfortable a life as possible and make sure the antibiotics are fighting the infection.  I want to be at home, and for a long as possible.

As devastating & disappointing as this news is for me and my family, we can still be proud of the battle we gave. Like so my people  before us and so many long after us, it is worthy to try and fight it, there are many medical advances, but cancer is an equally worthy opponent. 

We are now in the process of palliative care and with what this  means for me and us, as a family. In the weeks and hopefully months to come we will shift the focus of our blogs in this direction.

We hope you will join us!

Richard

100 Blogs

Well look at that! We have reached a milestone, 100 blog posts!

I am not much of a writer, but  I thought that I could manage sharing a few stories about my cancer journey. Here we are twenty-one months and 100 blogs later,  I am still here,  and still writing weekly blogs with the help of My Michelle.  I have to admit that there were times when I thought, why am continuing to write this blog? People have their own personal issues and concerns. They will lose interest and who really wants to hear about my personal struggles and successes with cancer anyway? 

Over time, I have come to realize though the thoughtful messages, comments and notes, that we are all dealing with cancer in some way or another, either personally or with a loved one, or a close friend or colleague. Cancer really does touch us all. My weekly blog writing, has for me become a source of purpose, of hope and a wonderful way to chronicle this crazy journey we are on while keeping my extended family, friends and colleagues updated on my weekly progress (or lack of progress). 

Others have told me that it inspires them, reminds them of their own cancer journey or that of someone they know or cared for. This makes me proud and thankful that I decided to share. I have learned that I am not in this journey alone. Besides my family, I have a 'army of support' around me.  

I wanted to share with you the titles of my 100 blog posts, not to brag or be boastful but to celebrate that I am still here, fighting this disease and because they truly represents my journey thus far. You can see from the titles that there have been many twists and turns and many ups and downs along the way. Who knows where this journey will take us next or how long it will continue. This is my life, as we know it now. Like any good drama or thriller, we are not at the climax of the story yet! This is my cancer journey, thanks for coming along for the ride with me. 

My Personal Cancer Journey Blog- By Richard & Michelle Erdmann

1. Unwelcomed News

2. Over the Next 20 Days

3. Needles, Tests and Scans Oh My!

4. Food, Glorious Food!

5. Hurry up and Wait!

6. My Radiation 101

7. You are Not Alone

8. My Chemo 101

9. Thoughts and Prayers

10. In those Moments

11. Blessing or Burden?

12. Stuck in Neutral

13. Cancer touches so many of us!

14. Side Effects: Short Term Pain for Long Term Gain?

15. Sometimes.... Laughter is the best medicine!

16. My Michelle 

17. Ups and Downs

18. Supporting Cancer Research

19. Family- Home Sweet Home

20. Darcy- My Faithful Companion

21. New Year, New Decade

22. Kitchen Dancing

23. Side Effects: The 5 Senses

24. My "Bottle Buddy"

25. Beating the Average

26. World Cancer Day- February 4th

27. Spring Cleaning- Got Junk?

28. Words to Live By

29. Family is Everything!

30. Why am I still taking out the garbage?

31. Trying to find joy, everyday!

32. SCAN-xiety!

33. Uncertain Times

34. Everyday Heroes!

35. The Power of Walking

36. Home Movies: Treasuring the Moments

37. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming!

38. Today's Forecast: 100% Change of Waiting!

39. This morning, with you, having coffee

40. Honouring Mothers

41. Unsinkable #unsinkable

42. Is this our new Normal?

43. Anticipating a perfect summer day!

44. Remember When....

45. Celebrations and Milestones

46. SCAN-xiety 2.0 Unwelcome News

47. Celebrating Fathers

48. Together is my favourite place to be

49. Fireworks- It's not what you think!

50. I'll get by with a little help from my friends!

51. Gone Fishin'

52. Our Photographer

53. A Blessing and a Curse

54. Don't Poke the Bear!

55. Tired!

56. Standing Tall Through it All

57. Green Thumb Distraction

58. Today's Forecast: Foggy with a chance of forgetfulness

59. Back to School Thoughts

60. One Year BLOGiversary!

61. I get knocked down... but I get up again!

62. Birthday Season: A.K.A. Cake Month!

63. Here we go again!

64. Happiness is Medicine too Dad!

65. Waiting!

66. Our Life is like a Roller Coaster!

67. Bottle Buddy is Back!

68. Finding Distractions!

69. What's For Dinner?

70. Holiday Traditions

71. Thursdays!

72. Let the Countdown Begin!

73. For the Birds!

74. New Year, New Hope!

75. Groundhog Day!

76. I Want to Break Free!

77. Back to the Drawing Board

78. Not Playing the Waiting Game!

79. B is for Biopsy

80. Sometimes I forget!

81. Supporting my local Hospital and Cancer Centre

82. Negative/Positive

83. In My Shoes

84. And So it Begins Again....

85. 1st....2nd....3rd....

86. A Room with a View: Looking out my Hospital Window

87. Home Sweet Home

88. Putting on our Shoes

89. When In Sickness and in Health, Really Matters

90. Take a Deep Breath In - Hold It - Breathe Out  

91. PIVOT!  SEIZE TODAY!

92. When one door slams shut.... another door opens!

93. Summer Breeze

94. Rainy Day Blues

95. 33

96. Journey vs. Battle

97. Lean Mean Cancer Fighting Machine!

98. If I am knitting, everything must be ok, right?

99. Pain in the @#$% !

100. 100 Blogs

Again thank you for traveling this journey with us. We appreciate your ongoing support and words of encouragement along the way. We continue to hope for the journey to continue for as long as possible and we thank you for joining us along the way!

Richard & Michelle

Pain in the @#$% !

Well this second clinical trial treatment is certaining hitting me harder than the first or any other previous treatment really. Hopefully that is a sign that things are working and making a difference! I am tired, irritable and can't seem to get comfortable for any length of time. I am napping more than usual and just don't seem to have the same level of energy that I used to have. 

It has crossed my mind, that this may not be the new treatment at all that is causing this discomfort and irritability, but is an evolution and the progression of my symptoms with time. On the other hand, or glass half full perspective -  perhaps my new treatment is working and is fighting my cancer on the inside and this pain is the price to pay on the battlefield. I am hoping that it is the latter of course and all this discomfort will be worth it -- that it is making a difference and is actually shrinking my tumors. 

One of issues I am having this  this time around is back pain (and well something else we don't often talk about, constipation).  Dealing with the first issue - I don't know about you but next to ear aches, I find back pain  most frustrating as you can't really solve the issue. You can subdue it for awhile but it always seems to come back. It is not debilitating pain (at the moment at least) but a constant annoying pain that increases and decreases in intensity throughout the day (or the night for that matter). It is the type of pain that doesn't let you get very comfortable either sitting or lying down. The problem with taking pills to help with the pain, is other complications start to occur.  For example, one of the side effects of the codeine is it can cause - yes I am saying it in a blog - constipation. They sure do!  This is also a potential side effect of my immunotherapy medications. A double whammy. Yippee! Which brings us to my second symptom, a real pain in the @#$%! It seems that to try to solve one problem, you create another one!  Not really a great topic of discussion really but I promised to be honest in my blog and wanted to share some of the negative sides to having cancer, beyond the cancer itself.  I have never been the type of person to take numerous medications for my ailments, but my list of daily pills and supplementary pills is beginning to grow.

I am back to taking some meal replacement drinks to supplement my calorie intake. Despite being stubborn, reluctant and holding off for a long as I could, I had to admit defeat and return to using them to help provide me with my daily nutritional needs. This brings back memories of the beginning of my cancer journey when they were my primary source of nutrition. I hoped to not return there if possible.  

Overall I should not be complaining as I am sure that there are many other cancer patients out there that have it much worse than me in terms of side effects and pain and wish this was all the side effects that they had. I shouldn't complain really, in fact I need to come to the realization that it may get much worse as time goes on. We shall see. For right now while there is pain it seems bearable and manageable and I can live with this level of discomfort. 

100 Blogs!

Next week is a special week for My Personal Cancer Journey blog as we celebrate 100 blog posts. I can't really believe we have reached this milestone and I never expected to still be here writing this weekly blog for this long. An amazing milestone for sure.  Be sure to check out next week special blog post.

In the meantime, as the saying goes:  "no pain, no gain" right? Let's hope so. 

Richard

Lean Mean Cancer Fighting Machine!

Well it is hard to believe that I am already completed my second round in my new cancer trial. Time does fly by. The first round really knocked me down for a few days but so far the second round doesn't seem to have as much punch as the first. I seem to have bounced back quicker this time. I am so thankful because I was out of commission for quite a few days the last time with extreme fatigue and soreness.

This week, I was late arriving for my treatment due to an accident on the 404, which created a huge back up of traffic for what seemed like kilometres. I could feel my stress levels going up as I have never missed or been late for an appointment so far. I was worried that I might have to wait for another opening later in the day and this was a concern as it was already going to be a seven hour day as it was, or even worse, it could have been cancelled and need to be rescheduled.  Luckily it did not delay the start of my treatment and I was able to start up fairly quickly after my arrival. 

As I sat waiting to be paged to my chemo suite, I scanned the room (as I always do) and noticed a man across from me wearing a t-shirt that caught my eye. It had the following statement on it: Lean, Mean Cancer Fighting Machine. This really struck me. What a great statement! What an empowering statement. It was true. Each of us here waiting for our buzzers to go off to let us know we were ready to start our treatment were fighters. (Yes, when I say buzzer, I mean like a little buzzer you get when you are waiting for a table at "The Keg").  We are all mean, lean cancer fighting machines! Well to be honest, I'm not that lean, and I'm really not that mean, but definitely a cancer fighting machine! I knew right then and there that I needed one of those t-shirts!  I quickly searched it up on Amazon, and wouldn't you know it, my t-shirt has been ordered and should ship in a few days. I will wear it with pride.

Once my buzzer went off and I entered the "purple" chemo section of the hospital and settled into my chair, wouldn't you know it but the man with the Lean, Mean, Cancer Fighting Machine t-shirt was seated directly opposite of me. I just had to tell him that I liked his t-shirt. He smiled and stated that a friend had bought it for him after his cancer had come back for a second time. He was starting treatments today to try to beat cancer yet again. What a cancer fighting machine!

I overheard one of the nurses tell him that they treat over 150 people per day in the chemo suites on the fourth floor. There are 18 floors at the Princess Margaret hospital. No matter which floor I visit, it seems to be full of patients and hospital staff. From young to old, from the hardy to the extremely frail, from those that can walk independently to those that have to be transported by wheelchair, all races and diverse backgrounds are represented here. Cancer doesn't discriminate. It still surprises me to this day what an impact cancer has on so many of our lives. I did not see it or take the time to see it before I had cancer, for that I am remorseful.

After seven long hours at the hospital, I began the journey back up the 404 in stop and go traffic to return to my home, sweet, home. My family was anxiously waiting for my arrival (calling me in the car for arrival time status updates). It is amazing how as soon as you pull into your driveway, your stress levels go down and you can finally begin to relax after an intense day. A bit to eat, a cold drink, resting on my patio and filling Michelle in on the day's adventures were next on the agenda.

Going to Princess Margaret now has become a fairly routine event in my life. I go at least a few times every other week. I am getting pretty familiar with the hospital itself, the routines and procedures that will happen during treatment and I even know some of the staff by first name now. I am so thankful for the wonderful care that I am receiving there but deep down I wish that I did not have to go there and this wasn't part of my life. 

"You have been assigned this mountain to show others it can be moved." ~ Author Unknown

I am a lean, mean, cancer fighting machine and I've got my whole team in my corner!

Richard

 

Summer Breeze

This week's blog post is written by My Michelle.

It’s funny how here in Ontario, we seem to quickly go from winter right into summer - not that I am complaining - as this winter for some reason, seemed just a little too long.  Richard and I love to garden and see the perennials start to shoot up as the days get a little warmer, the sun a little brighter, and we spend more time out of doors.  No matter how full the garden was last year, we always like to head out to the nursery and end up coming home with a trunkful of new plants to go in just that spot, that is missing a little something.  We always try and switch it up every year with a slightly different colour scheme on our patio - this year it’s white and green in the front yard, and tropical in the back with lots of ferns.  We are trying a magnolia bush and jasmine plant in our front planter - smells divine - we’ll see how it all goes.

May is kind of a bittersweet month for us.  It was in May that we lost my father to a battle with lung cancer. It was in May that Richard’s mom unexpectedly passed away - both were gone too soon.  It was also in the month of May that my mom had her stroke. This month we also lost a colleague from our tennis club that has been very upsetting for us both - we often saw her on our walks around Newmarket and stopped to chat with her, in this case we spoke with her just the day before she experienced a brain aneurysm and passed away shortly thereafter.  It was ironic at that time, that she was asking Richard how he was doing and wishing us both the best, not knowing what was to come her way, the very next day. Life can be so unexpected and yes, unfair and frankly we are starting to think we should hop from April right into June and skip that month, which hasn’t been the best in recent years.  

This month (May) Richard was discontinued from a clinical trial due to progression of his disease and as he shared last week, we are going through the workup for another one.  We just keep hoping that something will work, give us more time together, and importantly that Richard will continue to feel good.  It is tiring for him and we just can’t seem to catch a break. 

All that being said - Richard and I are more the “glass half full” kind of people.  We look for, and try to find the optimism in most things.  We are not letting cancer hold us back - we’ve planned a cottage vacation, we are planning a getaway for our anniversary (lock down permitting of course), we are planning for some small reno projects at the house and continuing with our basement clean up!

But when that summer breeze beckons, and the pool is sparkling, the deck cushions and loungers are out and the perfume from the flower garden hangs heavy in the air - outside we go, coffee in hand and breathe in the day.  I’m not particularly religious or spiritual, but isn’t it kind of comforting to think that just maybe that light summer breeze that lifts your hair and rustles the leaves in the trees, is like a soft memory passing by.

“Summer breeze, makes me feel fine….”

Let’s turn May around into more positive memories and celebration of life.

Love Michelle

XO

When one door slams shut.... another door opens!

Well that didn't take long! In less than a week I have been fortunate enough to be offered another phase 1 cancer drug trial at Princess Margaret. We are shocked and amazed really. When I went down for my scheduled appointment earlier in the week, I was not expecting to hear any positive news. I had been preparing myself for my oncologist to say that they didn't have another trial to offer at this time and that they would keep a lookout for any upcoming trials and we would be on our own until then. I thought she would offer pain medication and discuss what palliative supports were available. I am not ready for these types of discussions as I look and feel quite healthy, at least on the outside anyway. I arrived at my appointment just in time and was having a bit of deja vu as this appointment was in the same waiting room that I had been in two months previously to discuss my first trial. Here we go again! I didn't have to wait long for my oncologist to enter the room and share some exciting news.  She arrived promptly in the room and after getting Michelle on the phone for the consultation, and with very little small talk, she immediately told us that there was another clinical trial option. We were stunned and shocked really. This is not what we had expected. All week long my hopes had been dwindling and here, the door was opening up again (maybe).  

Of course this will mean that I'll be entering into a few weeks of tests and procedures and likely another biopsy - but I will gladly get poked and prodded and take this on again, with the hope of a better outcome this time around. We are currently in the process of reading over the trial information and will be coming to an informed decision as to whether or not it is a good fit for me. I have found that when your options narrow considerably, your risk tolerance goes up considerably. It will take four weeks for me to flush out from the previous trial, but I am  two weeks into that already so I should be ready to go for the end of the month. This will bring forth another set of tests and round of procedures to go through to qualify and meet the requirements of the study. I am willing to go through all the hoops required in the hope that this new trial will make a difference. 

When one door slams shut, often another door opens. I have found over my lifetime that this statement holds true. Hope is something to hold onto, despite the evidence that might suggest otherwise. Last week my hopes were dwindling and I couldn't help but feel defeated. A week later there is new hope. Just having an option, gives me hope!  This helps to reinforce that there is always hope around the corner. A new day, a new beginning. Don't get me wrong, I do understand that this new trial could eventually end up having a similar result like my last trial, having no new real impact or lasting benefit for me, however we will continue to be hopeful that it will offer some benefit, even a small benefit. At the very least it is offering us new hope and is keeping us going. We shall see how this one goes.  

A new day, a new blessing, a new hope. ~ Author Unknown

Richard 

This week is National Nurses Week! I would like to give a special shout out to all the nurses out there who work tirelessly for their patients with skill, care and compassion. Thank you! I have nothing but admiration for the work you do. By the way, I love nurses so much that I married one!  Love you Michelle.

Run for Southlake- thanks to all that supported us in this four week virtual challenge. We surpassed our goal of $2000. and ended up with $3000. in donations. We are so thankful! We also achieved our goal of 40 km over the four weeks. Thanks everyone.

Negative/Positive

Negative- Well my biopsy results finally arrived this week after some delay. After double checking the tumour samples gathered from my liver biopsy, the tumours continue to grow, and my remaining treatment options are limited. More disappointing news for me and my family. Disappointment is something that we as a family are starting to get used to. We will however, as a family, always remain hopeful and optimistic-- but I must admit that our resilience level is starting to take a big hit. I keep asking myself, why is my body doing this to me? Why can I not catch a break? I must officially and publicly declare that I hate cancer!

Positive- One thing that is for sure is that I will not let cancer take away my hope, our hope. We will continue to press on despite these limited options, despite the fact that cancer is winning at the moment. I really want to be here to experience all of the life moments with my family including future weddings, grandchildren etc. There is still so much that I want to be apart of in the lives of my children. Michelle and I have so much more  that we want to do as a couple. If  mental perspective, determination and attitude play a role, I'm drawing new battle lines.  I will not give up!

A new journey/path begins....

My next journey centres around a new drug trial at the Princess Margaret Hospital. I am in the process (again) of having final tests completed to confirm my eligibility in a existing phase one trial. If confirmed, and we have our fingers crossed, treatments would begin next week. It  is unchartered waters, but what else can we do?  I'm not liking the alternative - doing nothing.  The ball is rolling and gaining momentum. Action at least is something, right?  I've never been in a clinical trial before, so at least this will also be interesting.

This new path involves overnight stays at the hospital and intense monitoring and vigilance to watch out for any possible side effects that may occur due to the treatment.  We shall see how this all plays out. My hope is that I will once again, have minimal side effects, as was the case for my past three treatment options and that this new treatment will slow or stop my cancer in its tracks. 

Isn't there a saying something about when one window closes, another one opens?  Well here's hoping that with this negative news, we are balanced off with some positive opportunity and the trial "opens a window" for us.

So we move on to our Plan "E", and as I see it, there's many more letters where that one came from and we'll just keep cycling onward!

Richard

I Want to Break Free!

Another week in lockdown. Another week with 'stay at home' orders in effect, meaning a continuation of minimal human contacts, lack of varied, rich life experiences and the continuation of our perpetual Groundhog Day, as Michelle highlighted in last week's blog post. To add to the misery we are in the middle of January with cold days, a lack of sustained sunshine and the 'winter blahs' in full effect. 

I must admit that I am going a bit stir crazy! I'm starting to get cabin fever. Basically we are spending all of our time at home, only going out for the occasional walk or going to get groceries. Who would have thought that driving to the grocery store would be the highlight of the day! Not me, that's for sure. On the positive side-- we are saving on gas! 

I love my family and the time we are able to spend together, but I also miss meeting up with and talking with my friends, colleagues face to face! I miss going out to a restaurant, to a movie, to a Leafs game or even walking the halls of our local mall.  I was never much of a mall shopper and while online shopping is great, it just doesn't have the same appeal. I'm sure we all feel the same way. I'm happy that I decided to return to work part time as a principal in elementary virtual learning. This has given me some much needed daily variety, an opportunity to meaningfully contribute and support my fellow educators during these challenging times.  I often find that when you help out others you also have the benefit of helping yourself!  This activity has helped me to successfully survive these long winter days and keeps me busy and mentally engaged. It helps to fill my day with purpose. 

I have to admit that I think that this isolation is beginning to have an impact on my personal mental health and well-being. Staying positive at times, is becoming more and more difficult.  I am thankful that I am still healthy and able to engage in life fully (from the comfort of my home anyway lol) but I am angry that this pandemic may be robbing me of the adventures that are not possible at this time. My worry is that I will begin to deteriorate prior to the re-opening up of our society and I will have lost the chance to complete some of my bucket list items with my family. I want to travel, I want to be with my other family and friends as much as possible. I want to eat out, go to the theatre and go to a cottage or resort.   My time is limited and time is slipping away. When will this end!

Unfortunately there is nothing that I/we can really do about it. It is what it is. We need to make the best if it.  I continue to use all of my strategies to remain mentally healthy, stay positive and remain hopeful. Some days are easier than others. I know that there are others out there that have bigger struggles then me. How are they coping at this time? Thank goodness I have Michelle and my children to help me through these difficult times. I am so blessed. I try to reach out to others that I know that don't necessarily have the same support systems that I have. I encourage you to reach out to those in your life that you know may not have support and may need your help. Check in on them, reach out to offer them support as best as you can. We all need to help each other out during these difficult times. 

I also want to take this time to say thank you to all of you that continue to reach out to my family and I! It means a great deal to me. 

Trying to stay positive! 

We can get through this. We can!

Richard

New Year, New Hope!

Well 2021 is finally upon us and we have kicked 2020 "to the curb" and we all can surely say, "what a year it was!" I am thankful for the fresh start that the new year will hopefully bring us all, but remain concerned/cautious based on the news and events so far this past week--this is not promising! But selfishly, I am thankful that I am here and still have hope!

Each year I participate in the #oneword initiative on Twitter. At the beginning of each new year, Twitter users are asked to give their one word that describes their aspiration for the coming year. This year I picked the word HOPE. 

I have HOPE that we will once again be able to come together to hug, break bread and laugh together. We all really need to get back to close contact with our families and friends. 

I have HOPE that as a community, country and society we can all do better in terms of the way we are treating each other. There remains so much division, hatred and mistrust. We can and must do better. We all need to be a part of the solution. 

I have HOPE that my chemotherapy treatment will continue to work so that I can continue with life as normal as possible. My current treatment has allowed me to basically function normally with minimal side effects. I continue to be blessed. I am HOPEFUL and THANKFUL.  I have a lot of living still to do for me, for my family and much, much more time with Michelle.

Without HOPE there is despair. I can't imagine living with despair. Despite all of the hardships, trials and tribulations that my family and I have gone through this past year and a half, we remain optimistic and positive. Let's stay positive and hopeful for the future. 

Have HOPE!

Richard