100 Blogs

Well look at that! We have reached a milestone, 100 blog posts!

I am not much of a writer, but  I thought that I could manage sharing a few stories about my cancer journey. Here we are twenty-one months and 100 blogs later,  I am still here,  and still writing weekly blogs with the help of My Michelle.  I have to admit that there were times when I thought, why am continuing to write this blog? People have their own personal issues and concerns. They will lose interest and who really wants to hear about my personal struggles and successes with cancer anyway? 

Over time, I have come to realize though the thoughtful messages, comments and notes, that we are all dealing with cancer in some way or another, either personally or with a loved one, or a close friend or colleague. Cancer really does touch us all. My weekly blog writing, has for me become a source of purpose, of hope and a wonderful way to chronicle this crazy journey we are on while keeping my extended family, friends and colleagues updated on my weekly progress (or lack of progress). 

Others have told me that it inspires them, reminds them of their own cancer journey or that of someone they know or cared for. This makes me proud and thankful that I decided to share. I have learned that I am not in this journey alone. Besides my family, I have a 'army of support' around me.  

I wanted to share with you the titles of my 100 blog posts, not to brag or be boastful but to celebrate that I am still here, fighting this disease and because they truly represents my journey thus far. You can see from the titles that there have been many twists and turns and many ups and downs along the way. Who knows where this journey will take us next or how long it will continue. This is my life, as we know it now. Like any good drama or thriller, we are not at the climax of the story yet! This is my cancer journey, thanks for coming along for the ride with me. 

My Personal Cancer Journey Blog- By Richard & Michelle Erdmann

1. Unwelcomed News

2. Over the Next 20 Days

3. Needles, Tests and Scans Oh My!

4. Food, Glorious Food!

5. Hurry up and Wait!

6. My Radiation 101

7. You are Not Alone

8. My Chemo 101

9. Thoughts and Prayers

10. In those Moments

11. Blessing or Burden?

12. Stuck in Neutral

13. Cancer touches so many of us!

14. Side Effects: Short Term Pain for Long Term Gain?

15. Sometimes.... Laughter is the best medicine!

16. My Michelle 

17. Ups and Downs

18. Supporting Cancer Research

19. Family- Home Sweet Home

20. Darcy- My Faithful Companion

21. New Year, New Decade

22. Kitchen Dancing

23. Side Effects: The 5 Senses

24. My "Bottle Buddy"

25. Beating the Average

26. World Cancer Day- February 4th

27. Spring Cleaning- Got Junk?

28. Words to Live By

29. Family is Everything!

30. Why am I still taking out the garbage?

31. Trying to find joy, everyday!

32. SCAN-xiety!

33. Uncertain Times

34. Everyday Heroes!

35. The Power of Walking

36. Home Movies: Treasuring the Moments

37. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming!

38. Today's Forecast: 100% Change of Waiting!

39. This morning, with you, having coffee

40. Honouring Mothers

41. Unsinkable #unsinkable

42. Is this our new Normal?

43. Anticipating a perfect summer day!

44. Remember When....

45. Celebrations and Milestones

46. SCAN-xiety 2.0 Unwelcome News

47. Celebrating Fathers

48. Together is my favourite place to be

49. Fireworks- It's not what you think!

50. I'll get by with a little help from my friends!

51. Gone Fishin'

52. Our Photographer

53. A Blessing and a Curse

54. Don't Poke the Bear!

55. Tired!

56. Standing Tall Through it All

57. Green Thumb Distraction

58. Today's Forecast: Foggy with a chance of forgetfulness

59. Back to School Thoughts

60. One Year BLOGiversary!

61. I get knocked down... but I get up again!

62. Birthday Season: A.K.A. Cake Month!

63. Here we go again!

64. Happiness is Medicine too Dad!

65. Waiting!

66. Our Life is like a Roller Coaster!

67. Bottle Buddy is Back!

68. Finding Distractions!

69. What's For Dinner?

70. Holiday Traditions

71. Thursdays!

72. Let the Countdown Begin!

73. For the Birds!

74. New Year, New Hope!

75. Groundhog Day!

76. I Want to Break Free!

77. Back to the Drawing Board

78. Not Playing the Waiting Game!

79. B is for Biopsy

80. Sometimes I forget!

81. Supporting my local Hospital and Cancer Centre

82. Negative/Positive

83. In My Shoes

84. And So it Begins Again....

85. 1st....2nd....3rd....

86. A Room with a View: Looking out my Hospital Window

87. Home Sweet Home

88. Putting on our Shoes

89. When In Sickness and in Health, Really Matters

90. Take a Deep Breath In - Hold It - Breathe Out  

91. PIVOT!  SEIZE TODAY!

92. When one door slams shut.... another door opens!

93. Summer Breeze

94. Rainy Day Blues

95. 33

96. Journey vs. Battle

97. Lean Mean Cancer Fighting Machine!

98. If I am knitting, everything must be ok, right?

99. Pain in the @#$% !

100. 100 Blogs

Again thank you for traveling this journey with us. We appreciate your ongoing support and words of encouragement along the way. We continue to hope for the journey to continue for as long as possible and we thank you for joining us along the way!

Richard & Michelle

Journey vs. Battle

When I started my cancer blog over a year ago now, I struggled with what terminology I would use to discuss and share my own personal experiences along the way. Was it a cancer journey or a cancer battle? Was I fighting and battling cancer or was I dealing with a disease that would change my life. How would we handle it? How would we navigate what was yet to come?

Before starting my blog I skimmed some other cancer blogs and found that most were referring to their journey as a 'battle' or 'fight' against cancer. They included a lot of war terminology that seemed harsh and inappropriate to me at the time but now that I have been on this journey and have experienced all that cancer brings to my life and my family's life, it really is an accurate metaphor for the journey. I had purposely chosen to use the word 'journey' instead because I preferred to use non violent terms of reference and wanted to remain optimistic and positive throughout the posts but make no mistake this is a battle! This is the fight of my life, so I thought for this blog, I'd try using the battle analogy - maybe it reflects a little how I am feeling today!

Mission Possible?

Right from the start of this journey/battle/fight we were given terrible odds of winning (or surviving really). When you are told that you have three months to a year to live at your first appointment with your oncologist, your heart sinks, you feel hopeless and finding the will to 'fight' on doesn't really enter the picture at that particular moment in time. Surprisingly after the reality and scope of the situation finally does sink in, you quickly realize all that you have worth 'fighting' for, you regroup or pivot, you plan your 'strategies of attack' and your formulate the 'ongoing battle plan' to 'fight' back against this worthy enemy. 

Using Every Tool Available in my Arsenal

From the beginning of my cancer diagnosis, my  team has used every treatment option available to 'battle' my cancer. I have gone through radiation and three different chemotherapy treatments and now two clinical trials. Although my cancer did 'retreat' back a few times during these treatments, it ultimately fought back and moved on to new battlegrounds in my body. As Michelle likes to point out and remind me, we may have lost these battles but they did provide me/us with additional time and I am still here today fighting on, twenty one months later, still able to talk about the fight and still able to battle on. It's not over yet!

Collateral Damage

I have experienced some side effects as a result of my treatment regimens that have included an ongoing compromised immune system, various side effects with various levels of discomfort, pain and intensity.  My body weight continues to fluctuate and has once again begun to decrease due to an ongoing lack of appetite and some difficulty swallowing. Increased pain and soreness in various regions of my  body and some sleepless nights are the new norm for me I guess. 

One piece of collateral damage for cancer patients that doesn't get talked about much is the emotional side of cancer and the toll that cancer takes on the patient, caregivers and family. Your emotional quality of life and that of your family suffers.  You are constantly fighting off negative emotions, moments of despair and melancholy. You are scheduling your life between appointments, treatments and recovery days. Your hopes and dreams for the future are pushed to the here and now. You see others that are moving forward with their lives and planning for the future, exploring fun and exciting retirement options and you just can't help but feel a little jealous and envious of them. We should be doing this too! Your children's lives are also impacted by the 'battle'. Although they try to move forward and continue on as normal as possible, it's not normal and will never be normal again. Cancer is not going away. The worry and concerns are always there. It is hard to focus on your own new exciting life journey when they see the struggles and worries in their parents.  The lingering cloud of what is to come is always just a thought away.

Army of Support

Every 'war' needs a strong army to 'battle'. I can honestly say that I feel that I have a strong army of support with me, every step of the way. I am so thankful for the 'army of support' that we have received along the way. This blog has allowed me to share my journey and in turn learn about the personal 'battles' that many of you are facing or have faced yourself. We have come to realize that you can not fight this 'battle' alone and that it takes a community of supporters to help along the way. We are so grateful to have you by our side and for your words of encouragement, support and prayers. 

Fighting the Good Fight

We will, as a family, continue to 'fight' the good 'fight' for as long and as hard as possible. It has not been easy. This is a battle of wills and I can be very stubborn if I have to be!

Whatever I/we choose to call it, it is the fight of my life. I am just a stubborn as cancer can be. 

"We will never surrender!" ~ Winston Churchill

Thanks for supporting me along the way.  

Richard

I'll get by with a little help from my friends!

For this week's blog, I wanted to take some time to let you know, just how much of a difference it makes to me to be able to connect with each and every one of you.  I can honestly say, that if it was not for the support of my family, friends & colleagues, I do not think I would have made it this far and be here today. My determination and will power not only comes from you all, it truly amplifies it. It can be so easy to just give up, feel defeated and let cancer win. There are moments when you are so tired and emotionally drained that you start to lose hope and for a split second feel 'what is the point in fighting this battle, when the outcome is already determined for you'. But then there are moments of hope, of optimism, of resilience that push you to fight on. To fight for every extra day that you get, to fight for the chance to continue to experience more of life's moments, to fight to not be the "typical patient". Often these sparks of optimism and resiliency come when I am thinking of my family and friends. I want to be here to experience life with you all. You all make me want to fight on!

I am so very thankful for the outpouring of support that I continue to have from so many of you. Words can't adequately express what it really means to me and to my family. To have someone take the time out of their own busy lives to drop a note, a text, a call, leave a blog comment, reach out, take time to have a coffee, this is overwhelming to me.  It means the world to me to know that others are thinking about and praying for me and my family. I often think and worry about those that do not have a support network behind them like I do. We all need an army of support to continue our cancer battle. Who is pushing them to keep up the good fight? Who is giving them the positive messages of support and encouragement? We all need someone to be our advocate and champion. 

We don't often realize that the small gestures that we show towards others can make such a big difference in their lives. A simple smile, a hug (when we can hug again!), a text or email or letter, a phone call, or an offer of support can truly make a difference. I am humbled by those that have reached out that I have not had contact with for many years. Those that have taken the time to reach out to me and offer their support. Old work and high school colleagues, old friends that we have lost contact with, all reaching out and cheering me on. I know this is not easy, I know it's hard to know what to say.  For me, I feel I am truly blessed. 

Fighting cancer can be a lonely battle, even with family and friends by your side, but knowing that others 'have your back' and are quietly or vocally supporting you in their thoughts and prayers, helps to keep you going. 

The little photo of the friendship plaque, is a piece that hangs in our kitchen, a gift from a kind lady years ago and was given to us as a "thank you" and is a memory of such fun times shared. A small token, but one that we hang proudly in our home and is a reminder of the power of friendship. She too is fighting her cancer battle "across the pond" and we think of her and her family often and wish her well.  It was the perfect image for today's blog.

Thanks to all for your ongoing support and encouragement. It is making a difference. 

Oh, and I get by with a little help from my friends! 

Richard

Celebrating Fathers

Sunday is Father's Day. My children ask me every year, what I would like for a Father's Day gift. My usual response is "nothing" because I really have everything that I need or want. But this year is a little bit different, because what I really want is more time! I want more time to see them continue to mature into adulthood and beyond. I would like to be there to see them find a life partner, to hopefully have children of their own, and build on their career paths. They each have so much potential and unique talents. I know that they have exciting futures ahead of them. I really want to be apart of these milestone moments. I hope that cancer doesn't take all of them away from me and I can share in some still to come.

From the moment each of them came into Michelle and my lives, they changed our outlook and focus in life forever. As parents and as a father, you learn as you go. I am sure that we/I have made our fair share of mistakes along the way but based on the wonderful young adults that they have become, we couldn't have done that bad of a job raising them. We always tease Jonathan, that he taught us everything we needed to know about being a parent, and Josh and Sophie reaped the benefits! I hope that the many wonderful childhood memories that I hold dear in my heart are memories that they too will never forget. 

I have been so fortunate to be with all three of them for the entire summer each year. This is one of the blessings of having a career in teaching. This has meant that I have been able to be 'present' for them on weekends, holidays and all summer long. This is a special gift of time that I have been given. I can remember packing them all up in the wagon and making our way to the park each day. I can remember spreading the garden hose out on the lawn so that they could run through it on a hot day. Listening to them laugh and giggle and try to spray each other with the hose. Taking trips to the public library and signing out books for summer reading. Visiting the local wading pools to cool down prior to getting our own pool. Stopping for ice cream or a small box of Timbits during our travels. Going on day camp trips to various parks, zoos and outings. Watching them jump on the trampoline trying to do flips, playing a fierce game of badminton or croquet in the backyard. Licking popsicles on a humid day, watching them learn to do dives and grading their hand stands in the pool competitions, roasting marshmallows by the fire, making homemade pizzas on the bbq and sitting by the poolside fire at the end of a great day of swimming. "Dad, dad, dad - watch me!" And who can forget Soccerfest which always seem to land on Father's Day each year. These are just a few of our wonderful summer memories.

I can honestly say that being a father has been my greatest achievement in life. I am so fortunate to have three exceptional children (proud dad moment here). I am so very proud of the amazing adults they have become. Each of them have strong morals, determination and a kind heart. They have so much potential. Having the privilege to parent alongside Michelle, (who is an outstanding, dedicated mother) has been incredible. I could not have asked for a better life partner. We are not expert parents by any means, but we continue to dedicate our lives to guiding them and providing them with opportunities to succeed in life. We have really put a focus on them throughout our lives. We would not want it any other way.

I want to wish all fathers and father figures out there a Happy Father's Day. Well Done! 

"Of all the titles that I have been privileged to have, "Dad" has always been the best." ~ Ken Norton

Love you always Jon, Josh and Sophie!

Dad XOXO

Remember When.......

This week's blog comes courtesy of My Michelle. 

This coming week, Richard and I will be celebrating 32 years of marriage.  You know how people always say, "where did the time go", "it seems like it was just yesterday", or "you haven't changed at all".  Well a few weeks back, Richard and Jonathan rigged up our old VCR and we watched our wedding video from 1988.  Well, it was definitely 32 years ago and  we definitely have changed!  But, it was really so much fun to talk to the kids about the "back story" and relive the memories of that day.  

There is something so magical in memories and telling stories of times gone by to your kids.  Its an enduring thing in families I think.  I know my brothers and sisters and I loved to hear my mom's version of how she and my dad had met back in the 50's, how they had met at a barn dance, how he had asked her to dance and she turned him down!  Dad would tease her and tell another version of the story, and well, long story short and after much eye rolling, thank goodness dad persevered and the rest, as they say, is history!  We were digging through some old documents the other day that Richard's mom had saved and came across some love letters from his dad to his mom that she had lovingly saved.  So happy we have these memories to share and pass on to our children, the stories of our lives.

One of the great things about our wedding video is how it captured the music, the dancing, all the fun that we remembered during our reception. Seeing all the disco dance moves, watching that crazy conga line, all of the bridesmaids in their beautiful blue dresses swirling about the dance floor.  Pure Magic!  Re-living the beautiful speeches, words of advice and wishes from our loved ones.  Then there we were: so young, so optimistic, the world at our feet.  Richard had graduated from teaching at Queen's the day before, and I had just completed my third year. We were in such a hurry to get started and share our lives together.

I guess it is only natural heading into this anniversary to be particularly thoughtful and remembering days gone by.  We have a shadow hanging over us all for sure, as we battle through these days.  For us it is a battle for time and preserving Richard's health.  We have scans, tests and treatments that create a great deal of anxiety for all of our family. It is as much an emotional and mental battle as it is a physical one.  What helps?  As you surely know by now, we love music and dancing.  One of our favourite songs is an oldie by Alan Jackson called "Remember When", a tear jerker for sure.  It is truly a song suited to anniversaries and about a love and life well shared.  

If I could, I'd still do it all again!  

Put on the music Richard, meet me in the kitchen and let the dancing continue!

And we'll remember when.

Love Michelle

Unsinkable! #Unsinkable

A big thank you to Unsinkable for sharing my story and my personal cancer blog!  You can find my article under the Neighbourhood Heroes section. The article is called Fighting Cancer with Positivity. Check it out if you get a chance.  

Thanks to all for following my journey!

Richard

Beating the Average

Back by popular demand! This week's blog post comes courtesy of My Michelle.

I find that we are constantly bombarded in our daily life with the concept of averages - average temperature, average rainfall, average returns on investment (lol), average side effects of a medicine and the average number of people who will be touched by cancer.  It’s like when you buy a new car, and everywhere you look, suddenly everyone has that same car.  I find that everywhere we look, there are statistics on cancer, or coverage in the news on cancer survival rates, or people telling their story about their cancer journey.  If you go online and search up the  "facts and figures" on average rates of cancer and trends, well this is very discouraging indeed.

What is an average?  It is a number, a single value that can be somewhat useful to compare data.  But the thing about averages, well there are outliers.  I learned about this concept early on in my life as it relates to marks in school.  While it was all well and good to achieve an “A”, if everyone had an “A” well, what did it really mean in terms of value?  If however, most had achieved a “B-“, well then, being an outlier and achieving an “A”, that was really something.   So to my mind, when you are talking about cancer and living - we do not want to be average,  an outlier - that’s where we want to be!  And why not us?  Why not Richard?  He is strong, and if anyone can beat the average he can.  

At the time of Richard’s diagnosis, we were presented with some not great averages which were very hard to hear.  Our best shot was to get moving quickly with all of the diagnostics, the radiation treatment, and the chemo, and get him eating.  Richard has completed his first line of treatment, is eating almost normally and returned to his normal weight.  We have a little routine, where every morning I ask him - ‘how are you today’, and most days he ranks himself as an 8/10 - once we have been off the chemo a few days, that is.

We continue to look for options for the next steps in his treatment, new therapies that may be in clinical trials for this type of cancer.  Luckily this is where I can help in advocating for Richard.  We all have an important role to play to support him, keep him laughing, keeping his spirits up and we are so grateful for all the outreach and acts of kindness from all of our family, our friends and peers.  

This past week, there was a focus on mental health with #BellLetsTalk day. One of the key messages of this campaign is about the value of listening and how simple kindness can make a world of difference.  They note it can be a smile, or an invitation for coffee and a chat and asking how you might help.  We find that the fact you are reaching out to us and we know you are there for us, being good listeners is just amazing and greatly appreciated.  

So how do we feel now that this first line of chemotherapy for his cancer is now over?  We are grateful the chemo did what it was supposed to do and the cancer is stable (though it would have been better if it was gone!).  We are doing our best to live and enjoy life as normally as possible with many adventures to be thrown in along the way. 

Most of all, we are fighting to beat the average!  

Here’s to all of the outliers out there  - CHEERS

  

Let's be extraordinary!  Still Kitchen Dancing with you,

Love always,

Michelle

Blessing or Burden?

Delayed One Week

Last Monday I went to get my blood work done in preparation for my second round of chemo. Blood work is usually done one day prior to chemo to ensure that you are healthy and strong enough for the treatment. When meeting with my medical oncologist to review the blood test results last week, I was surprised to find out that my white blood cells were lower then expected and he informed me that I would need to wait an additional week before I could start my chemo treatment. This came as a surprise as I felt healthy, optimistic and my eating has improved so much over the past week. I was concerned that this was perhaps a bad sign. I have only had one round of chemo so far, was my body not able to handle the strong chemo meds. What would this mean for me?

Blessing or Burden?

My chemo plan calls for one week of chemo and then two weeks off. During the chemo week, I spend one day in the hospital to get two out of the three medication intravenously. This takes approximately 5 hours in the hospital. The third medication is given to me at the end of the session in a bottle containing a balloon of medication. I take home the bottle and wear 24/7 for five days. It contains slow release meds. I plan my life around these treatments. I usually don't feel that great for three or four days after chemo day at the hospital and then gradually start to feel better. During the second and third weeks my health (and mood) improves so we use this time to get back to our 'to do' list and our 'bucket list' items. 

Michelle and I are planners. We like to make lists and schedule things. We have a white board in our kitchen to record upcoming events and use a monthly calendar to record appointments and important  dates to remember. Yes, we are both GOLD personalities.  We find that if you set objectives, write it down, we are more likely to make it happen. As well, with the multitude of appointments, we needed to find a way to keep track of them all. We keep a binder of print outs of all our appointments as well.  Thank goodness for dry erase boards! 

The uncertainty  of my appointment schedule and treatment plan, really creates limitations on these pre-made plans. One thing that is for sure, our lives are now much more unpredictable. This can cause additional stress for those of us that like to have a plan and be organized. We have had to adjust and modify on the fly. We have to adapt and change direction as needed. On the positive side this gives us a chance to live in the moment and be more spontaneous!  But definitely out of our comfort zone.

I have come to understand that many cancer patients have had to wait additional time between chemo treatments and that this is something to ensure that our bodies have recovered enough to be able to handle the next treatment.  The goal is to build up and strengthen, so it can handle being broken down again!  It is the darn cancer cells we want to kill out, but some healthy cells are collateral damage along the way.  It is difficult to wait as I want to move forward to try to remove this disease from my body as quickly as possible. Patience is needed.

So is it a blessing or burden to have to wait another week? I would have to say it is both. On the one hand clearly I am responding to the treatment, but on the other hand could a delay also give the cancer cells a chance to regroup?  Flexibility and patience are my new best friends. These are new character traits that I am learning to add to my repertoire!  

Richard

  

You are not Alone!

This new journey that I am on is really a solo journey. It is my journey to face. My body chose to allow cancer cells to form. This is my disease to battle but I am not alone!

I am so thankful to have Michelle by my side each step of the way. It is so difficult to process information and details as well as deal with the emotions and impact of what is happening to you in the moment.  Michelle has always been my support. I am grateful to have her with me each day to help navigate my emotions. 

What would I do without my family. Although the news of my cancer diagnosis has devastated them, they stand strong in supporting me. How difficult it must be for them to cope with this. The uncertainty, the helplessness they must feel. Each dealing with the news in their own personal way. I don’t know what I would do if it was not for my family. They are the reason for continuing to fight this battle. 

Their lives have also changed forever. Our lives have been split into two: Life before cancer and life after cancer. As we maneuver through this new reality, we are constantly adjusting and adapting but at the same time trying to keep some normalcy in our daily routines and lives. Some days are harder than others. I am so fortunate to have my family supporting me along this journey.

It has also been difficult for my extended family. I know that they don’t know what to say. They also feel helpless and are at a loss of how to help. My hope is that they will focus their attention on helping Michelle and my three children manage their new reality. Helping and supporting them as they support me.

The outpouring of support from my friends, colleagues and others has also been overwhelming. Positive thoughts, messages, notes, get togethers have all help me. Laughter is so important at this time. Not much to laugh at really these days but my friends and colleagues have provided me with special moments where I can laugh even for a moment or two and forget about what I am going through.  Words can not express how it feels to know that others have you in their thoughts and prayers and are thinking of you. I count them all as important members of my army helping me to fight this battle. 

When I look around me, I see so many others silently battling this disease. Just like me, I’m sure they did not want to fight this battle. They didn’t want to deal with all of the pills, needles and equipment being hooked up to them. We are all alone but all together at the same time. We each enter our radiation room individually and sit in our individual chemo recliners getting our treatments but we all share a common focus, fighting our cancer battle. Alone but together. 

No one should have to face this journey alone. If you know someone who is, please reach out to them to offer some encouragement, positive energy or just be there to listen to them if they need it. It takes a team of supporters to win this battle. Be apart of someone’s team! My support group is strong but others my may need some reinforcements.

Richard