Lily has a bad day

This blog is written by My Michelle.

I think most of you who follow Richard's blog, know that we have a new member in our family, our 1 year old cocker spaniel, Lily.  She is the light of our lives and brings us much joy and laughter, but she also definitely has a bit of the "dickens" in her and at times, thinks she rules the house.  She has wiggled her way into our hearts, and in turn, she has a special spot for each one of us and treats us each differently.  Our son Josh was the one to carry her home in his arms from the breeder, and she always has a special attachment to him.  He's kind of like the big brother who lets her get away with everything and brings her treats.  She anxiously waits for him to return home from work each day.  Jon she treats like a playmate - he's the one who plays "ball and fetch" and she always brings him her toys to play "rough and tough" with.  Our daughter Sophie is the calm one in the household, and Lily loves to lay on her bed and watch out the window while Sophie is busy doing her Opal and Fern Design work.  Richard - well she loves to nap with him - if he's laying down, you can often find her curled up in a ball by his legs and with her head on his foot as she watches out for him.  Me, well I'm not quite sure - sometimes I think she thinks she's the mom and the boss - we are working on that, Lol.

Lately, as Richard's health has declined, we've had numerous people in our home - nurses twice a day, medical deliveries, hospital bed and equipment deliveries - well the door bell always seems to be "a-ringing" and the "strangers" in our home has increased quite a bit.  Lily puts up quite an objection to all of these people coming in and out, and what was once a quiet dog has become very vocal and quite a barker.  We are trying different things to try and reassure her and reward her for when she is quiet, but her desire to warn us and to protect us is quite strong and in her genes.

As Richard's health declines, the stress level in our home has also gone up quite a bit.  Rare is the time when I can just sit and relax and hold Lily on my knee.  She misses these times and rightfully so - what is a dog to do?  She is also very empathetic and sensitive to our emotions, and so as we are a little on edge, we definitely see this in our dog as well.

We had a bit of a wake up call yesterday.  Our usual groomer was ill and unable to take on her clients and we needed to find a temporary groomer for a month or two.  We had an awesome referral, they had an opening and away we went.  It was a very busy day for us that day, and Lily was kind of shuttled back and forth and then dropped off at this new groomer.  I had taken the 1 hr to take a bit of a break for myself - Richard had Sophie and Jon looking after him, the nurse was due and I thought I had a small window for a little self care.  Well things did not go so smoothly as planned.  My phone didn't stop buzzing - Richard's IV was acting up, the nurse had been and left and the IV was still buzzing and Lily's groomer was leaving me messages.  Needless to say - Richard needed me at home to fix the IV and pump, Lily needed me to bring her home, and the groomer was not complimentary at all.  Lily had a bad day.

I was quite hurt at the time, that the groomer had been so harsh with Lily and that Lily had this bad experience with this new groomer.  She has always had great reviews and done well with her regular groomer. We had taken great care to get her used to grooming and being clipped from the time she was a small puppy.  What was going on?  Then, as I reflected, I realized she was acting out because our life was kind of spiralling a bit out of control.  Too many new people, too many changes in routine, too many rapid transitions and too much stress.  Nothing is more wonderful than when life is settled, and Lily is happy and content, behaving and by our side.  We need to get that back.  We need to get all of our emotions under control and actively work to get some serenity back in our lives, especially now.

They say you can learn alot from your dog, and well I certainly have.  We need to live in the moment, we need to enjoy treats now and again with no guilt, nap when you are tired, go for walks every day, slow down, love unconditionally, and lean on those you love.

We love you Lily, thank you for being there for each of us.  It's a heavy load you bear. 

Love Michelle (PS I am the boss by the way) XOX

Pain in the @#$% !

Well this second clinical trial treatment is certaining hitting me harder than the first or any other previous treatment really. Hopefully that is a sign that things are working and making a difference! I am tired, irritable and can't seem to get comfortable for any length of time. I am napping more than usual and just don't seem to have the same level of energy that I used to have. 

It has crossed my mind, that this may not be the new treatment at all that is causing this discomfort and irritability, but is an evolution and the progression of my symptoms with time. On the other hand, or glass half full perspective -  perhaps my new treatment is working and is fighting my cancer on the inside and this pain is the price to pay on the battlefield. I am hoping that it is the latter of course and all this discomfort will be worth it -- that it is making a difference and is actually shrinking my tumors. 

One of issues I am having this  this time around is back pain (and well something else we don't often talk about, constipation).  Dealing with the first issue - I don't know about you but next to ear aches, I find back pain  most frustrating as you can't really solve the issue. You can subdue it for awhile but it always seems to come back. It is not debilitating pain (at the moment at least) but a constant annoying pain that increases and decreases in intensity throughout the day (or the night for that matter). It is the type of pain that doesn't let you get very comfortable either sitting or lying down. The problem with taking pills to help with the pain, is other complications start to occur.  For example, one of the side effects of the codeine is it can cause - yes I am saying it in a blog - constipation. They sure do!  This is also a potential side effect of my immunotherapy medications. A double whammy. Yippee! Which brings us to my second symptom, a real pain in the @#$%! It seems that to try to solve one problem, you create another one!  Not really a great topic of discussion really but I promised to be honest in my blog and wanted to share some of the negative sides to having cancer, beyond the cancer itself.  I have never been the type of person to take numerous medications for my ailments, but my list of daily pills and supplementary pills is beginning to grow.

I am back to taking some meal replacement drinks to supplement my calorie intake. Despite being stubborn, reluctant and holding off for a long as I could, I had to admit defeat and return to using them to help provide me with my daily nutritional needs. This brings back memories of the beginning of my cancer journey when they were my primary source of nutrition. I hoped to not return there if possible.  

Overall I should not be complaining as I am sure that there are many other cancer patients out there that have it much worse than me in terms of side effects and pain and wish this was all the side effects that they had. I shouldn't complain really, in fact I need to come to the realization that it may get much worse as time goes on. We shall see. For right now while there is pain it seems bearable and manageable and I can live with this level of discomfort. 

100 Blogs!

Next week is a special week for My Personal Cancer Journey blog as we celebrate 100 blog posts. I can't really believe we have reached this milestone and I never expected to still be here writing this weekly blog for this long. An amazing milestone for sure.  Be sure to check out next week special blog post.

In the meantime, as the saying goes:  "no pain, no gain" right? Let's hope so. 

Richard

33

Well the first week of my new treatment is now over. Time keeps moving forward. I am so glad that this new option is available to me at this time and we were not left waiting. 

How am I doing?:

Thankfully my first treatment on the clinical trial seems pretty uneventful overall. I spent the night at Princess Margaret at the phase 1 clinic on Monday and had tests and appointments for most of the day on Tuesday. It was a long two days for sure and while this treatment has less ongoing blood samples and monitoring and only one overnight stay this time around, the treatment itself does seem to be more intensive and a little harder on me and my system overall. 

Tired:

I am definitely more tired than usual this time around. It could be partly due to the lack of sleep during my stay at the hospital. I can't really sleep well in the hospital. I think I mentioned this before in a previous post, but their pillows suck! I have a firm, memory foam pillow at home and they have flat, thin pillows. Not a match for me that is for sure. I did get to watch hockey game seven between the Leafs and the Habs on my laptop but as we now all know, the outcome was not what I was hoping for. Will we ever make it to round two in the playoffs! 

Are naps my new normal?:

I think I went for at least four naps yesterday. Definitely not my usual self. I am normally lucky if I fit one good nap in. Oh well, I have to give myself a bit of a break as I did just start a new cancer treatment. I can't expect to be peppy and ready to go all the time. Just taking some time to enjoy my time on the backyard deck, listening to the birds and surveying the gardens and spending time with a good cup of coffee and talking to Michelle and the kids, is good enough for today.

3 is my Lucky Number:

Today Michelle and I celebrate 33 years as a married couple, but we have known each other for 35 years. Amazing really not only how fast time has gone by, but also how lucky I have been to find my soul mate.  Who knew that night 35 years ago when I asked her to dance and she said "yes", that we would build such an amazing life together.  I must say, that  based on my prognosis, I did not expect to be here to celebrate this milestone this year, that is for sure. We are so glad that we can celebrate together. We had plans for a beautiful dinner on the deck tonight, but we are just going to push that out to next week, and hopefully I'll feel a little more like myself.  Ice cream, now that still goes down ok.  For our wedding dinner, we had strawberry ice cream parfaits for dessert - we are going to indulge in that tonight - a strawberry shake for me and the sundae for Michelle (and I am sure she will find some way to include chocolate sauce, LOL).  

Three has always been a lucky number for me and this year is a double three for us, so come on numbers, bring me a little luck. 

Here's hoping for as many more years as possible (with many more ice creams and with a strawberry on top!)

Richard

Rainy Day Blues

I woke up this morning to a wet, rainy day.  It has been awhile since we have had any substantial rain so it is welcome for all of our newly planted pots, shrubs and gardens to have a good soaking or at least a day of misting.  Our lawn was just freshly cut yesterday so this rain will help to keep it lush and green.  Looking out the window over my backyard this morning, I noticed the vibrant and varied colours of green throughout the yard. Nature really is so beautiful. The dark skies and the wet conditions really make the palette of greens look breathtaking and the colours pop.  When you get the chance to actually slow down and 'smell the roses' you realize the natural beauty that is all around us. I am so fortunate to be able to be here to see this (except maybe for the snowflakes that soon followed). Yes you heard me right, snowflakes on May 28th! But this is Canada - eh!

I find that rainy days give you an excuse to slow down and take some time for yourself. Let's face it, I can't really complete my outdoor 'to do' list today. I guess I could always find something to do on my indoors 'to do' list but....... I think this will be a good day for an afternoon nap. A good day to take a midday bath and maybe snuggle up and watch a movie. 

The problem with slowing down and taking some time for yourself is that it gives my mind a chance to wonder. Usually I am so hyper focused on daily chores, schedules, and appointments but when I get a chance to slow down, my mind always seems to end up in the same place. I start to think about the future or lack of a future for me and my family. I start to get nostalgic and then get melancholy. It is hard not to wonder about what life events I will miss or not be apart of.  Lately I have been reminiscing more about past memories and even having dreams with people and places from years gone by. It is really interesting how the mind works. These moments or flashbacks of my life are both heartwarming and distressing at the same time.  

I have to keep remembering and telling myself that none of us can predict the future. None of us know what will come next or how long we have. I need to focus my energies on the here and now. I need to enjoy and celebrate the present, as the future is well, in the future, and not promised for any of us really. 

And on that note, in my immediate future, it all begins again on Monday!  Here we go again! Clinical trial number two starts!  It's back to the hospital, lots of blood work, tests and more CT scans. At least this trial is every other week so we will get some reprieve over the summer to rest and enjoy without constant weekly visits to the hospital. We are even trying to squeeze in a few getaways on my weeks off. New hope, new promise and hopefully some positive results await.

I will take advantage of this 'rainy day' to savour the time that I have with my family and be thankful for the blessing that we have together. 

"Somedays you just have to create your own sunshine." ~ Author Unknown

Richard

Home Sweet Home

The title says it all, Home Sweet Home! You really don't fully appreciated your own home and all of it's comforts until you are away from home for a period of time. Over the past several weeks I have had to spend an overnight stay in the hospital for monitoring and blood draws. This is part of the requirements for me to be a participant in the trial study.  Although the nursing staff try their best to make you feel as comfortable as possible, it is difficult to replicate the comforts of home. Hospitals are such a sterile environment and rightly so. They need to be. Hotels they are not, that is for sure.

Although we are spending all of our time at home these days with our loved ones, I must say that I really miss my family when in the hospital. It is not the same watching Jeopardy without Michelle and our Miss Lily.  It is not the same eating dinner alone, instead of together at the family table, or being able to walk out the door and spend time in the backyard. I miss knowing where everyone is at in the house, and popping in for visits throughout the day. The comforts of home are just that, comfortable. It can be rather lonely being in the hospital. 

Other than my family, there are a couple more comforts from home that I truly miss. My pillow! The bed covers! Oh how I miss my memory foam pillow and heavy bed coverings from home when I stay at the hospital. I have even secretly asked Michelle if she thought that I would be allowed to bring my own pillow from home with me for my stays. No such luck. The pillows at the hospital are almost useless. They are so flat that they barely lift your head up off the bed. Even asking for a second one doesn't really make much of a difference. I truly miss my memory foam pillow. Michelle and I have become accustomed to a certain number of  blankets with a certain weight on our bed. After 32+ years of marriage we have mastered the 'Goldi-locks" phenomenon of "this one feels just right". When we were first married, I liked light weight and she liked heavy weight blankets. Over the years, she has slowly kept adding more and more blankets on the bed and I find that now I have slowly adjusted and become accustomed and comfortable with the weight of blankets on our bed. It is now actually hard to sleep when that weight is not there, and when she is not there. At the hospital you get one thin sheet and one super thin, light blanket. Not going to do it I am afraid! 

The food! What can I say, culinary dishes they are not. Food in hospitals is notoriously bad. My experiences have proven this again. I havent really eaten any of the meals offered to me for the most part. There must be a great deal of food wastage. It not an easy task to satisfy everyone's taste buds and food needs but I do feel they could do a little better in this department. I must admit I am somewhat spoiled at home for food, we have some awesome meals and baked goods that really are delicious.  My children suggested that I Uber something to my room. I couldn't bring myself to do that, not even sure if that would be allowed. Shhhhh! Even though I wasn't support to leave the hospital, I did sneak out and get some Swiss Chalet take out (next door to the hospital) this week during my stay. 

Being in a semi-private room means that you get the luck of the draw in terms of the window bed and with your patient partner. I have gotten the window bed only once out of the three stays at the hospital.  My roommates have also been diverse. They ranged from two that have said 'hello' and not much else to another that happened to also be from Newmarket. What are the chances! Conversation ensued and we ended up removing the drape barrier between our beds so that we were able to watch the Leafs game together that night on my laptop. Even though he was a Habs fan, I still let him watch the game with me! Go! Leafs! Go!

Luckily, I have completed my three required overnight stays at the hospital, and for now my time at the hospital will be confined to day visits only for treatment. I feel pretty good, tolerating the treatments well, and have great energy.  Let's hope it stays that way for a long time to come!

Cherish your family, and your home (your pillows and blankets!). 

Home, Sweet Home everyone.

Richard

New Year, New Hope!

Well 2021 is finally upon us and we have kicked 2020 "to the curb" and we all can surely say, "what a year it was!" I am thankful for the fresh start that the new year will hopefully bring us all, but remain concerned/cautious based on the news and events so far this past week--this is not promising! But selfishly, I am thankful that I am here and still have hope!

Each year I participate in the #oneword initiative on Twitter. At the beginning of each new year, Twitter users are asked to give their one word that describes their aspiration for the coming year. This year I picked the word HOPE. 

I have HOPE that we will once again be able to come together to hug, break bread and laugh together. We all really need to get back to close contact with our families and friends. 

I have HOPE that as a community, country and society we can all do better in terms of the way we are treating each other. There remains so much division, hatred and mistrust. We can and must do better. We all need to be a part of the solution. 

I have HOPE that my chemotherapy treatment will continue to work so that I can continue with life as normal as possible. My current treatment has allowed me to basically function normally with minimal side effects. I continue to be blessed. I am HOPEFUL and THANKFUL.  I have a lot of living still to do for me, for my family and much, much more time with Michelle.

Without HOPE there is despair. I can't imagine living with despair. Despite all of the hardships, trials and tribulations that my family and I have gone through this past year and a half, we remain optimistic and positive. Let's stay positive and hopeful for the future. 

Have HOPE!

Richard

Let the countdown begin!

Each passing day gets us one step closer to the holidays. I don't know about you, but I am really looking forward to spending some quality time with my family. Although we are currently spending each day together at home doing virtual learning and virtual working, we surprisingly don't really have that much time to actually sit with each other and enjoy each other's company. Michelle and I have our morning coffees together, then head off to our home offices to begin working. She goes to her office and I set up my office in the kitchen lol! All our children are busy with virtual classes, work etc. too. We do get a few hours together at the end of each day but really not that much time after making dinner and cleaning up. I don't know about you, but we get very sleepy at around 8 p.m. these days! It could be the early sunsets or that winter is now officially arrived, but we are going to bed earlier and earlier these days.

I am happy to announce that we are almost done with the Christmas decorating, our trees are up and our Christmas gift shopping list is almost complete. This weekend is Christmas cookie baking time. Can't wait to dig into the wide selection of delicious cookies that Michelle always makes for us and our family. I am so surprised that the kids notice all the traditions and special routines we have at Christmas. This year we tried to scale back the 'two Christmas tree' tradition. The kids were having none of it! Once again the Erdmann's have two real trees up and decorated.  Oh well, maybe next year.  

                     

I feel so fortunate to be able to celebrate the holidays once again with my family. It really wasn't certain that I would be here to celebrate the holidays again this year based on the my oncologists projections. I am glad I am still here beating the odds! Even though we can't visit our extended family this year, we will do some virtual visits online. Not the same, but we are glad that we at least have this option to connect. Family is so important.

I must say that treatment doesn't stop for the holidays! Chemotherapy continues for me even during these special times. I will be spending New Year's Eve day in the chemo suite! I guess there will be no wild partying at the Erdmann household this New Year's Eve! Raise a glass for us when you celebrate the start of 2021. Hopefully this new year will be more 'normal' for all of us.

Cheers!

Richard

Bottle Buddy is Back!

The Return of Bottle Buddy.

Well that was fast! We are back at it. As updated in last week's blog, I screened out of the clinical trial and am back under the care and treatment of the excellent team at Southlake.  This treatment I am now heading into, called for  PICC line to be installed since one of my new medications would  need to be administered over a 48 hour period. I was quickly booked for the procedure this week, in time for my first chemo day on Thursday. We've also had more bloodwork, a CT Scan (I think I've had 7 of these to date!), and other screening tests--- it really has been so great to be able to have this excellent follow up and and care so close to home.

Now, this new treatment regime has something old and adds something new to the attack on my cancer.  With the return of one of the previous medications,  comes the return of something I had nicknamed "my Bottle Buddy"! As you may recall, I previously talked about "My Bottle Buddy" in one of my posts earlier this year, back in January. At that time, when that treatment finished up, I was very excited to have my chemo bottle removed and in turn have my PICC line removed. At the time, my bottle buddy was really getting on my nerves. The bottle was with me 24/7 and at that time it was for five days in a row, every 3 weeks for quite a few months. It followed me everywhere I went, I mean everywhere! It even slept with Michelle and I each night, neatly tucked between us with its own pillow to keep it upright, lol. 

As I mentioned in that blog, my "bottle buddy" was a constant and visible reminder of my cancer. It was very difficult to ignore. It wasn't painful or really that uncomfortable. It did however move around a lot, wiggling and flopping from side to side as I moved.  The plastic tubes also seemed to get tangled in the holding pouch a lot. I was successful at hiding it underneath long sleeve shirts. But I have to say it was great to have it off for the summer and I was able to enjoy swimming and wearing t-shirts.  With fall here and winter coming, I guess one silver lining with having my bottle buddy back, is that I will be able to once again easily conceal it under a long sleeved shirt so no one will really be able to notice it (except maybe for the big noticeable bulge under my shirt lol). At least it will only be attached for two days this time, instead of five days in a row like last time. 

Now that we have our sweet new puppy Lily, I will also need to be extra careful that she doesn't try to bite the tube or the bottle.  We shall see how that goes! Lily loves to cuddle up on my knee and I don't want to give up that if I don't have to. So far so good,  she doesn't really seem to pay any attention to it.

How long will bottle buddy be with me this time?  Well, it will be with me for as long as the treatment is working.  Our hope is that this treatment will work for as long as possible. Time will tell!  How's it going so far? Well within the first 10 mins as the new chemo started to infuse, I really could feel it, I had a few side effects that were quickly addressed by my health care team.  I've had some nausea, but overall the meds they give you to take really help to make things more comfortable.  I am immunocompromised, so again, our concerns with COVID are elevated and we are taking extra care, as well as all the extra precautions we take to watch and monitor for any other infections.

All that goes to further say, as I welcome back my bottle buddy and the chemo treatment again, I must admit that we continue to have a love/hate relationship.   I love it when it works, hate it when it is inconvenient or if it doesn't do the job!

I hope that you enjoy your weekend everyone!  Embrace your "bottle buddy", whatever that might be!

Richard

Don't poke the bear!

Sorry, this week's blog title may be a little bit misleading. Don't get me wrong, I am definitely not fond of getting needles jabbed into me, in fact I have spent a good portion of my life trying to avoid  them all together. I would dread my visit for the blood draws at the medical clinic after my annual physical to get my blood tested. "Make a fist" & "small poke" are two phrases that I still prefer not to hear. Like I was saying, the title is misleading because I don't turn into a bear when the nurse or technician is trying to get the needle in my vein, in fact I'm actually a very compliant patient (much to my surprise at times). My new reality is having at least two 'jabs' a week. It is now a part of my 'normal' everyday life. 

When you have cancer you have lots of needles poked into you! Some to draw blood, others to get an I.V. line going. During my last round of chemo treatments I had a PICC line installed so the number of 'jabs' was significantly less. However the downside of having a PICC line is already well documented in previous blog posts. So jab away I say! I guess I am starting to get used to it now but I must say that I still look away when they say "small poke". 

At times, getting the needle into a vein can be difficult. Sometimes they have a hard time getting a vein to cooperate. Nothing worse than having to be jabbed more than once to get it in.  I did not realize that veins could move. Let me tell you, they can. Sometimes they can be very stubborn. My record is four attempts before success. Sometimes they have to bring in reinforcements, the nurse on the floor that for what ever reason, always seems to be able to get it on the first time.  Where were they four times ago! Anyways -luckily most times it only takes one try!

I understand the importance of taking blood samples prior to my weekly treatment. The results of the blood tests are used to  determine whether or not I can go ahead with treatment the next day or week and determine if changes are needed to dosage of the chemotherapy drugs prior to having my treatment. I guess you can say that 'jabs' mean I can continue have treatment, so poke away and I'll try not to be a bear!

I want to pay tribute and say special thanks to those that get 'jabbed' voluntarily to give blood.  You amaze me!

Have a great weekend.

Richard

Gone Fishin'

This week we had the good fortune to be able to get away for a few days to a cottage on Lake Musoka in Gravehurst, Ontario. It was a glorious few days up in beautiful cottage country. I had forgotten how majestic it was up in Musoka. A true Canadian paradise. This was all made possible thanks to the generosity of a work friend and her family who graciously let us stay at her family cottage. This was my week off of chemotherapy and we took advantage of the time off and freedom, to get away. This cottage trip was a wonderful reprieve from our everyday routines and weekly appointments and provided us with a glorious, picturesque location (as we have not been venturing out much these days) to rest, relax and enjoy family time together. We all seemed to enjoy the serenity, the quiet and the chance to be one with nature again. Nothing makes you slow down and count your blessing like a trip to the cottage.

One of the highlights of the trip was the fishing! When I was younger my family owned a cottage and we spent most of my summers there and I used to go fishing almost everyday. I loved to troll the shores of the lake for bass, pike and perch. It was a great lake to catch fish. They always seemed to be biting. My parents sold the cottage when I was in my early twenties. At the time, I was focused on my new life and didn't visit the cottage that often. It was becoming too much for my parents to handle, so they sold it. I have always regretted it. Once we moved to York Region my opportunity to go fishing diminished considerably. I have not really gone fishing in a boat since 2012. Thanks to my wonderful work friends, they arranged for Jon, Josh and I to have a guided fishing excursion on Lake Muskoka (the girls opted to lounge on the deck, lakeside). Our guide Mike took us on his professional fishing boat to all the great fishing spots on the lake. I even bought a new fishing rod, reel and tackle box full of new lures. I always wanted to take the boys fishing and this was my chance. We had a great morning of fishing and caught a variety of fish including walleye, bass, pike and perch. So glad they were biting that morning. Nothing better than that feeling when a fish takes your bait- fish on! As you

can see from the smiles on their faces, I think the boys had a good time! We caught enough for a great fish fry. The girls meanwhile enjoyed their time on the dock, reading and relaxing with their morning coffee- and there may have been a trip into town.

We also enjoyed a quick trip into Gravenhurst later that day to do a bit of sightseeing and shopping too. In the evening, we made a reservation on the patio at a local restaurant and had a wonderful dinner on the patio with all five of us. It just doesn't get any better than that. Although the time in Muskoka was short, we made the most of it and enjoyed every minute.

You might be asking at this point, what does this have to do with cancer. I might have asked the same thing reading this blog. The answer is absolutely nothing! Sometimes you just want to forget about cancer (even just for a few days). This wonderful trip allowed my family to forget all about cancer, our medical issues and worries for just a few days and simply enjoy our beautiful country in all its natural glory and quiet time together with each other. What more can you ask for. Words can not express how much this time away meant to me personally and

how much I enjoyed our much needed quiet time together by the lake. We are already planning our next excursion for my next week off chemo in the middle of August. Hopefully it will include more chances to go fishing (and shopping :) ) too!

Life is better at the cottage!

Richard

Fireworks - It's not what you think!

 This week's blog post was written on Tuesday, June 30th.

I am writing this blog post sitting in my chemo chair in the cancer centre on this glorious Tuesday morning. This week I was fortunate to have a chemo chair by the window overlooking the beautiful newly planted hospital gardens, with a blue sky and the sun shining so brightly over the town of Newmarket. If I wasn't sitting here in this chair right now, I would most certainly be sitting by our pool drinking my second cup of coffee, talking with Michelle and watching the birds in our backyard take their morning bath in our birdbath. Being here, stuck in this chair, gives me lots of time to think, contemplate and write.  My treatment today will last 2.5 hours. I am currently in my second round of treatment in this new series. My new chemotherapy plan calls for weekly chemo infusions in a three week cycle. Every fourth week I have a week off. Yay!

I found out that I don't need a PICC line installed on my arm this time. This means no bottle buddy ! I sure don't miss him. (For those of you that don't know who bottle buddy is, it was the nickname given to my portable chemo bottle that I had to wear for a week at a time during my last series of chemotherapy). Having no bottle buddy means that I can still go swimming, take showers without assistance and wear short sleeved t-shirts. Wonderful news for sure, especially over these hot summer days. For the moment, I am free to enjoy all that summer offers.

Internal Fireworks

My side effects this time seem to be a little harsher. The days following my treatment have been tiresome. I'm not as energetic (hyper) as I usually am. I seem more irritable and 'grumpy'. At times I have what can best be described as 'mini fireworks' happening inside my body. These little 'sparks' or 'zaps' seem to be most intensified in my legs & arms but sometimes they occur throughout my body. They are not really painful but do cause some discomfort and are surprising at times. It's like I am having my own mini Canada Day fireworks display going on inside my body, lol.  Luckily, so far, I still don't have any nausea or vomiting. This is great news to me.  I also have infrequent numbness in my arms and hands, but overall I do feel fortunate to still have mostly minor side effects at this time. We shall see how it goes as we continue these treatments. Fingers crossed it stays this way.

As I sit here in my chair, I sometimes sneak a little peak at the other cancer patients in their chairs. It is really hard not to do this as you are literally sitting directly across from another patient and there also five others in close proximity. Why are these chairs always full? It always amazes me the number of people that are here. I arrived at 8:30 a.m. this morning as one of the first patients to be seen and by 9:15 all of the chairs were full. There is definitely not a lot of privacy here. Sometimes you see other cancer patients sneaking a peek back at you too. Your eyes make contact for a brief moment. What are they thinking? Probably the same think that I am thinking, why are you here? As I look around the room at some of the other patients receiving their treatment, many of them look very frail, quite pale and seem exhausted from their treatments. This makes me feel like an imposter. I on the other hand have a nice summer tan happening and am generally quite chipper during treatment. If you saw me, you could never tell that I have cancer. This reminds me how important it is to remember that we can't always see the burdens that others are carrying with them. It is so important to treat others with kindness because you don't know what others are going through.

As the time passes in the chair and I sit here listening to music and continue to write this blog post, I hope and pray that these treatments are all worth it. Will they really make a difference? I am openly agreeing to have toxins administered into my body to fend/fight off my cancer. Will they help to stop the spread of my disease? Only time will tell. Right now this is my best and only defence in this important fight. 

It's time to keep calm and carry on! I only have a few more minutes left in treatment until I can enjoy that cup of coffee with Michelle in the backyard! This morning, with you, having coffee.

Richard

Everyday Heroes

This week was cancer maintenance treatment week again. To be honest with you, I was a little nervous to go the the cancer centre at all, with the scary stories on the news and online about Covid-19, I really didn't know what to expect. I had visions of multiple sick patients with masks on, scattered throughout the hallways of the hospital, with frantic, tired hospital staff in full gear trying their best to cope with them all. The reality was the cancer clinic was extremely quiet, being isolated really from the rest of the hospital. In fact it was the least number of patients and staff that I have ever seen at the cancer centre (regrettably this is usually not the case).

I was comforted to find that several precautions were in place to support both the patients and staff at the hospital. As soon as you enter the cancer centre you are greeted by health care staff and security that ask you a series of questions, give you a squirt of hand sanitizer and send you on your way. On the chemotherapy floor, the waiting room chairs were segregated with caution tape to ensure that we all sat the required distance away from each other. All of the nursing staff seemed to be in fairly good spirits despite the pressure and stress that they must be under.  

Everyday Heroes

I am so impressed and thankful to all of the hospital staff that are working tirelessly to support all of us that are seriously ill. From the doctors and nurses, to the admitting staff, hospital cleaners, security and all the others that are working behind the scenes. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I can't imagine what you must be feeling and going through. You have your own families and anxious concerns, yet you come to work to support those of us that rely on you for our medical needs. Thank you!  

Other Local Heroes 

A big thank you to all those that are still working to keep our necessities of life going. Grocery staff, truck drivers, restaurant workers, warehouse workers, pharmacy staff, couriers, nursing home staff, news reporters, and the countless others that have been deemed essential by our government who continue to go to work each day. We thank you for keeping the essential goods, services & information flowing. Thank you!

Thank you also to my friends and colleagues that have been checking in on me and my family via phone calls, texts and emails. These ongoing connections are so important, but especially during these days of isolation for all of us. Even if we can't meet in person, checking in with each other is vital at this time. Thanks to those that have checked in on me. You will never know how much this means to me and my family. I have also tried to reach out to others to check on them to see if they are ok. We all need to do our part! 

Special Request

I have a special request of all of you reading this blog. I ask that you check in on at least two people each and every day (family, friends, neighbours and acquaintances) to see how they are coping during these difficult days. You chose the method (phone call, text, email, video conferencing etc.!) Together we can ensure that physical distancing doesn't mean social isolation and that it doesn't get the best of us!

Finally I would like to thank my online community of friends and followers for keeping me informed and entertained. It seems to be my 'go to' place for 'just in time' information and updates. I do try to limit my viewing of COVID-19 information updates. I don't know about you but the more I watch it, the more anxious I get! Thank goodness for all the creative tweets, posts, videos and blogs that help to distract us. I must say how impressed I am with the creativity of others online. Some make me laugh hysterically, others have me close to tears. Emotions are definitely running high these days.

We are certainly missing our Saturday night hockey games, missing the Toronto Maple Leafs, but all of this is the right thing to do.  

Remember let's keep a hockey stick apart! 

Richard

Uncertain Times

Wow! What a week!

I guess my questions from last week's blog SCAN-xiety have been answered! Social distancing and staying at home are the new norm for all of us, and it seems will remain that way for the foreseeable future. We are happy to report that we have not joined the frenzy for toilet paper hoarding and will not be joining the lines at Costco any time soon! We will be trying online grocery shopping again, doing lots of home cooking/baking and occasionally supporting local restaurants through take out.

How life has changed so quickly for all of us. Just last week we were free to come and go as we pleased. This week, we are all being asked to respect social distancing, to stay at home, avoiding going out into public unless absolutely necessary. We can view this as either a bother or a blessing. As a family, we choose to consider this a blessing! This has given us more time as a family. It has forced us to slow down. It has provided us with time to reflect (and even time for a few naps!) I must admit that we have been staying in our jammies for most of the morning. Another new normal I guess!  

It is definitely a scary time for all of us but especially for those of us that are immune compromised. 

Treatments and appointments must continue regardless of the growing pandemic around us! On Monday I went for an echocardiogram at the hospital. To be honest, Michelle and I were a little concerned about going to the hospital at all under the circumstances. When we arrived, we were greeted by two nurses and a security guard in full protective gear. We were asked a few questions, given some hand sanitizer and sent to the welcome centre to register. I have to say that I have never seen the hospital so empty and quiet. It was a bit eery. It is usually bustling with people and activity. My paperwork was ready as soon as we arrived on the second floor. Even when we got to the waiting room (which is usually packed with people), it was almost completely empty. I was seen almost immediately and we were in an out of the hospital, in less than 45 minutes. A new record I believe!

Next week, I need to return to the cancer centre for my maintenance treatment. I must admit that I am a little nervous about it. Not about the treatment itself, as I have had two already, but nervous about actually going into the hospital. I know that they will have safeguards in place, but I am still a little concerned about gathering with others, especially as the COVID-19 statistics keep increasing.  All cancer patients are immune compromised (and probably they and their loved ones all have the same worry). We must remember that hospital staff (our local heroes) are dealing with patients every day. They are putting their personal safety at risk each day, to help those of us in need. Our treatments are essential. My concerns and worries are not really an option at this point.  

I have always been impressed with the medical staff, support workers and volunteers at the hospital/cancer centre but I must say again how thankful I am for their courage and devotion to all of us that are ill. We can not thank them enough for their efforts.

On the home front, we are all managing well. All I can say is thank goodness for the internet! All of us have been surfing the net (probably more than we should be) but for the most part it has been a great distraction from the fear and anxiety that can creep in, if we let it. We are trying to limit the amount of time watching the news as this activity seems to strike more fear and anxiety rather than calm us down. We are going for a daily walk around the nature trails in Newmarket (keeping a safe social distance from others and trying to go out at non peak times). We are so fortunate to have this trail system in our town. These daily nature breaks help to lift our spirits, provide some much needed exercise and helps to reduce the chance of cabin fever setting in. A bonus side effect of self distancing and staying home for the most part has been that we are making more homemade meals (fresh bread, stews, soups, etc.) and having less take out. We even have been taking turns as a family making dinners. A second surprising bonus has been that for the most part, we have not yet got on each others nerves. I guess moments of self isolation (ie. the kids spending time in their rooms) has helped. Time will tell if this all changes. We will keep you posted. LOL.

Stay safe, stay strong! Stay positive!

#StaySafeStayHome  #socialdistancing 

Richard

Why am I still taking out the garbage?

Have you ever noticed that when you watch a movie or a t.v. show and the main character is given "just months to live", you see them jetting off to some far away, exotic location or they drop everything to fulfill their 'bucket/wish list' items. All of a sudden, they seem to live a carefree life with no responsibilities, expectations or commitments. They just blow their life savings in the process.

Why am I not jetting off to some far off location every other week? And why am I still taking out the garbage? 

Well, the reality is, for most of us with cancer, this is not an option. We have months of radiation and chemotherapy treatments, time needed to recover and concerns for infection. We have bills to pay, we have appointments to keep, we have other family members that have jobs, school, responsibilities and lives of their own too. We have daily tasks and chores that still need to get done.  We can't just jet off, as a family, and forget about everything else. It's not like the movies. Daily life must and should continue. This actually is what helps to keep us all sane. 

Daily life routines help to create a sense of normalcy in a time when life is anything but normal. Routines help us to fill our days and give us a sense of purpose (especially now that I am in retirement). Most of all, it helps to take our minds off of our 'situation' and find the strength to keep moving forward (who knew that taking out the garbage could do all this, lol).

Don't get me wrong, we do want to travel and explore. We are just trying to navigate the barriers in making this happen at this time now that my chemo is over and I am on maintenance.

Even if we wanted to go and explore all of our 'bucket list' locations, it is very difficult to secure travel insurance when you have a terminal illness. We would also need to schedule the trip between appointments. With the coronavirus concerns at the moment, we are thinking that this is not the best time to travel abroad.

Our hope it to have a wonderful family vacation (within Canada) in the near future. We are sorting out the time,  destination and working on logistics, but it will happen! We deserve it and really need something to look forward to as a family. 

So believe it or not, taking out the garbage, loading the dishwasher, getting groceries and shovelling the snow, is all helping in some small way to keep us moving forward. Moving forward is the only way to go!

There are so many wonderful places to see and visit right here in Canada. There are still a few places that we have not had the opportunity to explore. 

And besides, there is no place like home! 

Richard

Spring Cleaning- Got Junk?

Michelle and I have lived at our current home in Newmarket for almost 20 years now. We moved into our home in early December 2000.  It has been our sanctuary and haven ever since.

When we moved in, Jonathan, Joshua and Sophia were six, four and one years old respectfully. Michelle and I were, during the late 90's, perpetually  sleep deprived. (I think I may have mentioned that in a previous post). This made for an interesting move in.

My dear mother had passed away that year, and we still had many of her personal items from her home, still unopened in boxes & bins in our garage and basement at the old house. On moving day, we simply placed all of her items, along with a wide selection of our current 'not used' items, into our new basement on moving day. We told ourselves that we would have the time to unpack and organize them later. These boxes and bins are still there, unopened 20 years later. A word of advice - do not delay, do it when you move in, lol.

Over the years we have also found it very difficult to part with items that we have purchased or received. We have changed our decor, purchased newer versions of items or simply indulged in some special gadget or gizzmo and instead of giving or throwing away the older version, we simply placed them in the basement for safe keeping (because you never know, we may decide that you may need them at a later date, right?) or there was always that elusive garage sale we were going to have.  Wrong! 

Over the next 20 years our basement has slowly filled up. If you walked into our basement this very week, you would swear that Michelle and I are hoarders. 

Our basement represents a time capsule of our lives. We have boxes, bins and bags full of days gone by. Full of memories.

Believe it or not, we still have all of the baby furniture and baby toys from our three children there. We have all of the fad toys and gadgets that were 'must haves' packed away on shelves: beanie babies, hockey cards, lego, train sets, hockey equipment,  medieval knights, and a collection of dolls and build a bear accessories (Coco is the best dressed bear in town), such as you would not believe. We thought that perhaps we could pass them down to our children's children some day. We even have boxes of our old university text books from the eighties (just in case we may need to reference them at some point. Really! Why didn't we give them away or throw them away years ago)? Michelle keeps reminding me that we kept them because we were going to turn one of our rooms into a library with a rolling library ladder - her dream. It's still a dream 20 years later!

One of my goals in retirement was to finally tackle the basement. I had planned to 'get it done' over the summer. It was on my 'to do' summer list. It finally needed to be done and there were no more excuses about not having the time to do it. I was no longer on vacation this summer, I was retired now. No more excuses. My cancer diagnosis and subsequent tests and therapies derailed these plans.

Now that my treatments have been completed and I am fairly symptom free, tackling the basement has once again risen the top of the pile of things to do. This is the week that our basement finally gets tackled (or at least started)!

A lifetime of memories currently lives in our basement. Going through these boxes, bags and bins this week is taking much longer than anticipated. Each time you open a new box, you are transformed to a different time and place in our lives. These are memory boxes and bins. The collection represents us and our family. This is making this job very difficult and time consuming, especially at this difficult time in our lives. These memories are so important right now.

When you are diagnosed with cancer, you immediately think the worse. In my case, the worse is my new reality. Still, I have been given the gift of time. My treatments have gone well and they have provided me with more time then my doctors had expected.   

Cleaning the basement (or our trip down memory lane) has been both heartwarming and tragic at the same time. What memories, still to come, will I miss or not be a part of?  But at least right now I can make choices on how to spend my time and with a sense of urgency, make things happen.

As a family and as a couple, we are trying our best to make as many new memories as possible. These memories however, will not be stored in our basement but in our hearts.

Here's to making new memories and to finally tackling your own basements! Do it, do it now but be prepared to go down your own memory lane.

Richard 

World Cancer Day- February 4th

Today is World Cancer Day.

I will continue to raise awareness and

encourage the prevention, detection and treatment of cancer.

I will continue to share my personal cancer journey in hopes of spreading positive energy to others fighting their battle and to support those around them.

I will fight to beat my cancer! #WorldCancer Day

#IAmAndIWill beat cancer!

Richard

Side Effects: 5 Senses

I must say that I have been very lucky to have experienced very few side effects during my cancer treatments. I know that many cancer patients deal with side effects that can be very debilitating. I would consider my side effects to be relatively minor in comparison. I am blessed and thankful for that. I talked about some of my side effects in a previous post Side Effects: Short Term Pain for Long Term Gain? 

I continue to have most of these side effects mentioned in that post, but some seem to have reduced in severity (or perhaps I am just getting used to them more now). My current side effects seem to be related to the five senses, specifically taste, smell and touch.

Taste

Since my ability to eat solid foods has returned (hooray!), I must admit that I have been indulging in eating all of my favourite foods (in some cases to excess). I have gained back most of my lost weight, which I consider a good thing as my weight drop was beginning to be a concern. I had dropped over 30 pounds in a short time. This is not a concern any longer! I am almost back to my original weight. I guess I need to cut back on the snacks (we call them salty crunchies) and sugary treats. My current mindset is "What the hell! Eat what you want Richard!"  I may need to rethink this mindset soon.

I am fortunate to be able to eat again after being on Ensure shakes and broths/soups for a few months, but my taste buds are really off.  As I mentioned in my earlier post, you never really realize the impact that food plays on most aspects of your life. Food is part of our culture, our identity and our social being. It is a focal point of our day. I am glad to be able to enjoy the social aspects of food again- family dinners, going to restaurants, visiting friends for dinner, etc.

One of my current side effects is that I don't really get the full, rich flavours of foods like I used to. They all seem muted and in some cases, tasteless. I am not really complaining as the variety of flavours, textures and food options has improved substantially since being able to each solid foods again. I hope to never go back to only being able to eat liquid foods, I will if I have too, but would prefer not to return to this limited diet.

Michelle has been hard at work making some of my favourite foods and baked goods. I definitely ate my share of turkey dinner, freshly baked holiday cookies and Buche de Noel over the holidays.  We have been blessed to have friends and colleagues bring me homemade soups, special chicken broth, assortments of candy & ginger to help with my dry mouth and taste bud issues. 

Smell

My sense of smell has also been heightened during treatments. I now have a smelling super power! I'm like a human bloodhound. I keep asking Michelle, "Can you smell that?" This is not always a good thing. Lately I have been smelling some 'nasty smells'. I am not really sure where they are coming from (perhaps some are coming from me internally) or why I am smelling them, but they are nasty! 

To help block or cover these smells -a Michelle innovation - we have created small smelling jars with coffee beans and lavender buds placed around the house that I will sniff to block out the bad smells. as needed. It seems to work (most times). When out and about, my heightened sense of smell can be a bother. I seem to be able to smell 'nasty' smells all around me. Not pleasant at times, but it is manageable. I am hoping that after my last chemo next week, this side effect will be reduced or go away.

Touch

I have been finding that my skin is often itchy and dry. My first thought was that this was just the winter weather that was causing this, but this is more than seasonal dry skin. I also notice that my hands and feet sometimes form small blemishes (especially between my fingers). My oncologist indicated that this can be a normal side effect of treatment. He suggested that I use medicated hand/body cream to help with this. This seems to work and the blemishes disappear in a few days. As a preventive measure, I lather up with hand cream all the time! (something new for me. I was never really a hand lotion kind of guy!)

At times, I get little tingles throughout my body. They are like sparks. They feel like little mini fireworks going off inside my body.  They happen for just a few seconds. Not really sure what they are. They worry me at times. I assume that they are little reactions/side effects from my treatments.

My legs and knees also seem to get sore easily. Not sure if this is a side effect or just old age creeping in on me!  Nonetheless I keep walking, keep active, and rest when I need to.

I have thankfully have had no nausea, no vomiting, no hair loss, no debilitating side effects during both my radiation and my chemotherapy treatments. I am thankful for this! I can live with these minor nuisances that I am currently experiencing. They are manageable and don't really effect my quality of life that much. 

Here's hoping it stays this way for a long time!

Richard