And so it begins again.......

Well that was fast! After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, I got accepted and have now started on a cancer clinical trial this past week. This new trial has produced many emotions that range from both ends of the spectrum:  hopefulness and trepidation. I have a lot of questions such as: "What have I agreed to?" "Will this be safe?" "Will this have a positive, negative or no impact in slowing down the growth of my cancer tumours?" With limited options comes more risky choices and decisions to make. "Will it be worth the risk?".  As Michelle had mentioned in last week's post, we enter into this with hope.

I must say that I have never visited a hospital so often and in such a short period of time in my entire life!  Last week I achieved a new personal record, five days in a row. To be honest,  I must admit that I have spent the better part of my life trying to avoid hospitals as much as possible. Hospitals have always kind of scared me. This is probably due to the fact that except for the birth of my three children, going or rushing to the hospital has usually meant that someone in my family was hurt or was dealing with a significant medical issue. Hospitals to me, signified concern, worry and fear. That really hasn't changed much for me now that I am a frequent "flyer" in hospitals, but I can now add hope, gratefulness and a sense of awe to this list. I am so very thankful and fortunate that this opportunity has presented itself to me. I am also so grateful for the hospital staff, who have been very compassionate and caring. I am in awe of the wonderful facilities, equipment and level of care that have been offered to me thus far. Simply amazing!

I have said this before but I must say it again, I really had no idea or realization of the vast numbers of people that are dealing with cancer. I am constantly shocked at the numbers.  I can literally see with my own eyes the impact that cancer has on so many others, not just myself. One quick example to share that highlights what I mean.  There is a large, beautiful waiting area  centrally located for patients to wait for their turn to draw blood. The startling part for me is the fact that this waiting area is so full and busy that they need to use the 'deli counter' number system to keep things running smoothly. You check in at the reception desk and wait to see your number come up on the big screen and then proceed to one of over a dozen blood technicians working simultaneously. Yes you read that right, a steady flow of patients getting blood work done from 7 a.m. until around 4 p.m. Surprising and scary at the same time! When you have cancer you sometimes feel alone, that this is only happening to you. This is obviously not the case. So many are impacted by cancer. And that's just the patients, with COVID 19 restrictions, family are unable to come into the hospital, so cancer is impacting so many more.

My new line of treatment takes an hour or so to administer but the monitoring process afterwards lasts a full twenty-four hour period and is preceded and followed up with numerous blood draws and checking of vitals to monitor my condition, hence my many visits to the blood labs and to the hospital. At the moment, I don't seem to have any severe side effects, just a few small things that thus far, all seem manageable. I hope it stays that way.  Is it working? Only time will tell, which will mean more tests and biopsies and the good old CT Scan.  All familiar testing ground for me now!

If you risk nothing, then you risk everything. ~ Geena Davis

Richard

Not Playing the Waiting Game!

I was going to call this week's blog, The Waiting Game, mostly because that is what our/my life seems to be right now, a never ending waiting game! Waiting for test results, waiting for next steps in my treatment and waiting for this lockdown to be lifted so life can return to some sort of 'the new normal'. Most of all we are waiting to check off more of our family bucket list items that are currently on hold. I guess we are all experiencing our own personal waiting game. This week, when I was discussing possible blog topics and titles with Michelle, like we do most weeks, she quickly pointed out that despite the waiting game that we are on, life still goes on, and despite cancer touching our lives, we've all made conscious efforts not to wait and to keep moving forward.

She reminded me that we really do have so much to celebrate and be thankful for, even during these dark times. While we feel like we are 'stuck in neutral' , life continues on for better or worse. She was quick to remind me of all the "better" moments that have been happening in our family's life over the past few weeks and months. It really helped to refocus my thoughts and reflect on some of the good milestones and positives. Sometimes we can get lost in a never ending cycle of negativity and disappointments, focused on cancer and treatments, and waiting for the next best thing, or any thing really, to happen. So with this in mind, and with a refocused attitude, I have to share that we actually have been doing more and we are not always playing a waiting game!

Over the past few weeks we have many instances to celebrate and be thankful for the blessings that have come our way. Michelle just accepted a new global role with her company.  She has worked hard for this and we are so very proud of her and I am so glad I am here to share it with her. Despite our personal family obstacles and support she gives me, she has remained strong and continues to be focused on loving us but also providing excellence in her career.  It's not easy and I know how worried she is about everything, but she keeps going.  Jonathan has completed his university degree and is exploring a variety of options that will use his skills and talents. He recently has been doing some stock footage/time lapse 4K video and posting it for sale.  Not easy to keep moving forward, when much of the film industry has slowed, and just when you are trying to launch.  Josh continues to move ahead in his job and at the same time he is exploring further post university studies. Not easy to keep working and advancing during a pandemic and we are so proud of him.  Sophie, our youngest, is a candidate to graduate with distinction from Queens, and has just completed her application to a Masters program. Her little sticker shop "Opal and Fern" just celebrated its first anniversary and has generated over two thousand item sales in its first year. An amazing achievement. Not easy to keep excelling at university and launching a business, when I know how worried she is about me, when she should be just enjoying her university years, but she keeps on reaching and we are so proud.  Even I have kept moving forward.  On a personal note, I supported a colleague in writing an article for the Canadian Association of Principals journal focused on leadership during the pandemic, was named as an author and it was published this month. This is one more  bucket item that I can cross off the list!  

Other positives include the health of my family remains good (except for me of course). We are generally happy and are managing/coping pretty well during this pandemic. Despite the constraints, we seem to be navigating it pretty well (even with five adults under one roof) at least from my point of view. Our little Lily continues to be the bright light for all of us and we just adore her. What a wonderful addition to our family.  

Michelle is right, we aren't  stuck in neutral, life goes on, we go on, and we need to appreciate these moments, the effort and celebrate all along the way!

No more waiting!

Richard

Waiting!

Waiting is hard for all of us. We spend a great deal of our lives waiting. Waiting in line, waiting for others, waiting for important dates and events to come up. Sometimes the anticipation of waiting is exciting and even an adrenaline rush, however when you are a person with cancer and waiting for test results and next steps in your cancer journey, it is not like that at all. It is worrisome and draining. 

As I wrote in my previous post, Hurry Up and Wait, waiting is just a part of life as a cancer patient. You need to build patience. As a generally 'hyper' person, this is something hard for me to do but I have, over the past year, become better at waiting. 

There is nothing that I can really do to change it. This is my current state of affairs. I am currently anxiously waiting for the doctors to review my tests and procedure results and then get back to me with next steps. 

The problem with waiting when you have terminal cancer is that you have a finite amount of "wait" time available! Each day you wait is one more day for the cancer to grow. I have been off chemo now for a full month. My worry is that my tumours will start to grow again or are already growing! I need to get back on treatment as soon as possible. Time is a precious and a limited commodity for me and my family.  Time is of the essence!

Our hope is that the results will be favourable and I will be a good candidate for the trial so we can get started on it A.S.A.P.  If I am not a good candidate, I will them return to my oncologist at Southlake and see what other options are available to me. Doing nothing is not an option for me.

But for now, I'm still waiting, .....for just a little longer.

Postscript

I really enjoy reading the comments that people leave on my blog. They tell me that others are connecting with the topics and relating in some way to my content. It always puts a smile on my face to read them. This past week I received a comment on one of my blog posts entitled Here we go again!, that I have to acknowledge. It was from a former student of mine (who is now in his mid to late thirties I would guess). He was one of my students way back during my first few years of teaching. It was definitely a welcome surprise and so touched me that he would take the time to read my blog and comment about what a difference I had made in his life. Wow! Just wow.   

This reminds me that we need to take the time to let others know what a difference they have made in our lives. These small gestures, take just a few minutes, but can make the world of difference for the person receiving them. 

Consider taking a few minutes and let someone know how they made a difference in your life today! You will not regret it.

Richard