My drive down the Don Valley Parkway to Princess Margaret this week was extra distracting and emotionally charged. This particular drive down was not for treatment, tests or blood work but rather to discuss the recent results of my latest CT scan. My mind was racing the entire way down. As I drove closer towards the hospital, various scenarios were playing around in my head. I was mentally preparing myself for all possible outcomes for my scan results. I was thankful for the radio that at least offered a few moments of distraction from my racing thought process. The heavy traffic flow also helped to distract me from my emotions as I needed to focus on the stop and go traffic at times. I was also thinking about and thankful for the messages of support and the "I'm thinking of you" texts that greeted me when I woke up that morning and throughout the day. I am so fortunate really. My mind kept returning to the line of thinking that surely this time the news would be different.
WAITING ROOMS
Adding to the anxiety and stress was the time spent waiting in the waiting room. I don't know about you but waiting in a waiting room just adds to my overall nervousness, especially when you are waiting to get some important news. I wasn't even able to drink the dark roast coffee that I had just purchased for the wait. As I looked around the waiting room I couldn't help but notice all of the faces of the other patients. I couldn't help but wonder if they too were waiting to hear important, possibly life changing news, like me. Thankfully the t.v. screen offered a few more moments of distraction for me but the non-stop news channels' coverage on vaccines, issues in Long Term Care, long lineups at pop up clinics, international cases of COVID 19, were not exactly soothing or relaxing, I must say we all could use a little good news these days!
Soon I was escorted to the second waiting room. You know the one, that inner waiting room when you are left alone behind closed doors in a small examining room waiting for the doctor. I don't know about you, but that inner waiting room is very intimidating. You can hear people talking and moving about and you don't know what is happening or when the door will open and the doctor will just pop in at any moment. You can't help but scan the room because let's face it, there is nothing else to do. Often there are posters warning you of signs and symptoms. Again, not exactly easing my mind!
ALL FOR NOTHING!
To get to the point, my CT scan results again were not favourable. My oncologist walked in, we put Michelle on speaker phone, and she immediately put some photocopies of scan results on the desk. It quickly became clear from the images and her explanation that my cancer tumours continued to grow (at a fairly rapid rate I might add) and that it was her conclusion that this new trial was not working. She then indicated that my participation in the trial would need to be stopped. Devastating news for sure. All of those tests, procedures and time that I had spent in the hospital overnight did not pay off in the end. My cancer continues to advance and precious time continues to tick on. I must say that it was worth the shot. It could have made a difference. Still very disappointing news for me, Michelle and the family, that is for sure.
PIVOT!
We are now back in limbo again, waiting for another possible trial to open and be a fit for me and my type of cancer. The options are narrowing considerably now. I have a scheduled meeting next week to see what options, if any, are available to me. I gave myself two days to have a pity party and am now I am back to focusing on the positives. I am still feeling good, I am still able to fully function, I have my family and friends supporting me. Hopefully things will open up soon and we can enjoy life as we knew it, once again.
My journey has taken many twists and turns. There seems to be more downs than ups lately but we will fight on. I am not a typical patient and I have been an outlier in so many way thus far. So as always, we have hope.
Thanks for your your continued words of encouragement and support. I truly appreciate it. Your kindness is not forgotten.
Carpe Diem! Or as we now like to say, Seize Today!
Richard
