Smiles from the Heart

Todays blog is an entry by me, Michelle as this week it is my turn.

I struggle with how to start to write this and share this very personal aspect of this part of our cancer journey, an update of Richard and of our family.  To date, we have been fighting so hard to battle this disease and enter into this next phase with strength, dignity, with gratitude for all we have, and yet always still with hope.Things have become increasingly difficult as the disease progresses and Richard's health declines, especially over the last few days.  As you know he loves music, and so I often play music while we are sitting together and one of his favourite artists is Anne Murray.  As I worked through her playlist, one of the songs came on called "You Needed Me".  To be honest, I couldn't hold it together because the lyrics were as if they were written just for us and just for this moment,  reflecting upon everything Richard brings to my life and what he means to me.  

One of the very private things, is that throughout all of this, Richard wanted to make sure that I would not be burdened with so many of the details that come in life and management of our household and that everything is set and to give me strength to stand alone, when that day comes.  I have the pleasure to care for Richard with all my heart, with love, with dignity and respect for the man he is.  As the song goes -You Needed Me (but I also needed you).

In addition to music, I do read out all of your comments on facebook, messenger and email to him.  It gives him great pleasure, to hear your messages on how his thoughts and experiences resonate with you, and give you comfort in some small way.  Recently it was a dear colleague's birthday from his first year of teaching, and several  photos of the whole group of staff of that year were posted, circa 1990/1.  I enlarged the photos on my phone and we looked through all the people in the photo, and reminisced about different stories from way back then.  He really enjoyed it and remembered every face. It brought a smile to his face and also to mine.  

Although Richard isn't able to be on social media and answer your messages directly, he has assigned me as his chief "secretary" and I am happy to share any messages and stories with him.   We love to see and read the comments.  Sometimes these memories are private and not to be posted on facebook or as a blog comment.  I do encourage you to send them through as a DM or as an email - I will pick them up and make sure he hears them.

I know that sharing stories and remembering a life well lived and the impact he had on others is very comforting to him and brings a smile to his face.

Thank you for bringing a smile to my heart and to that of our family.  This is especially dear to us now, as Richard is entering into Hospice Care and we focus on maintaining his comfort at this stage of our journey.

Love Always Michelle and family XOX

Targeting Pain Relief

This week's blog is co-written by Michelle and Richard. 

It's been a longer week than normal for me.  I've spent most of the time sleeping in my bed upstairs and struggling to manage my various pains - in my back, in my neck, all over really.  Once it starts to gain hold, it's really hard to get back on top of it.  We have tried different drugs and treatments, and finally we think we have a solution in place to solve the pain issue.  One thing about pain meds is that they also make you sleepy, and also create other side effects and problems as outlined in my previous blog post, Pain in the @#$% !

This week has also saw progress in other ways - I now have a hospital bed on the main floor to make things a little easier for me, as well as a shower bench, a walker and a wheelchair (just in case I will need it).  I have a nurse coming in daily and she provides much needed care for me and support for Michelle.  She has been with me during these days of sorting out my pain and other symptoms and so it is very helpful to have this continuity of care.

In addition, my care has been streamlined.  My pain meds are now managed with a pain pump and my meds are cut down to just the essential things to give me comfort and care.  This has been very helpful as I've had a bit of nausea, so now we are by-passing that and the drugs get right where they need to be and when.  This takes a big burden off of us as we had a large number of pills and different timing to take them, so this is all much easier now.  Less running up and down the stairs for Michelle.  We also have our Dr. come to our home as well as other essential services, again making things easier and able to stay Home Sweet Home.

Though things have declined for me this week healthwise, there continues to be hope as other things get more manageable - such as my pain.  I had to cancel a number of visits this week with family and friends which was very hard for me to do.  Hopefully we can get these re booked over the coming weeks.

I'd also like to thank all of you who are dropping off goodies for our family - I've had a number of butter tart deliveries - how did you all know they are my favourite!   We really appreciate all of your efforts - life is so busy for all and that you took this time to bring us some sweetness is overwhelming.  

Sugar seems to give pain relief too!  As Mary Poppins would say " just a spoonful of sugar, helps the medicine go down" and it really does!

Richard & Michelle

Lean Mean Cancer Fighting Machine!

Well it is hard to believe that I am already completed my second round in my new cancer trial. Time does fly by. The first round really knocked me down for a few days but so far the second round doesn't seem to have as much punch as the first. I seem to have bounced back quicker this time. I am so thankful because I was out of commission for quite a few days the last time with extreme fatigue and soreness.

This week, I was late arriving for my treatment due to an accident on the 404, which created a huge back up of traffic for what seemed like kilometres. I could feel my stress levels going up as I have never missed or been late for an appointment so far. I was worried that I might have to wait for another opening later in the day and this was a concern as it was already going to be a seven hour day as it was, or even worse, it could have been cancelled and need to be rescheduled.  Luckily it did not delay the start of my treatment and I was able to start up fairly quickly after my arrival. 

As I sat waiting to be paged to my chemo suite, I scanned the room (as I always do) and noticed a man across from me wearing a t-shirt that caught my eye. It had the following statement on it: Lean, Mean Cancer Fighting Machine. This really struck me. What a great statement! What an empowering statement. It was true. Each of us here waiting for our buzzers to go off to let us know we were ready to start our treatment were fighters. (Yes, when I say buzzer, I mean like a little buzzer you get when you are waiting for a table at "The Keg").  We are all mean, lean cancer fighting machines! Well to be honest, I'm not that lean, and I'm really not that mean, but definitely a cancer fighting machine! I knew right then and there that I needed one of those t-shirts!  I quickly searched it up on Amazon, and wouldn't you know it, my t-shirt has been ordered and should ship in a few days. I will wear it with pride.

Once my buzzer went off and I entered the "purple" chemo section of the hospital and settled into my chair, wouldn't you know it but the man with the Lean, Mean, Cancer Fighting Machine t-shirt was seated directly opposite of me. I just had to tell him that I liked his t-shirt. He smiled and stated that a friend had bought it for him after his cancer had come back for a second time. He was starting treatments today to try to beat cancer yet again. What a cancer fighting machine!

I overheard one of the nurses tell him that they treat over 150 people per day in the chemo suites on the fourth floor. There are 18 floors at the Princess Margaret hospital. No matter which floor I visit, it seems to be full of patients and hospital staff. From young to old, from the hardy to the extremely frail, from those that can walk independently to those that have to be transported by wheelchair, all races and diverse backgrounds are represented here. Cancer doesn't discriminate. It still surprises me to this day what an impact cancer has on so many of our lives. I did not see it or take the time to see it before I had cancer, for that I am remorseful.

After seven long hours at the hospital, I began the journey back up the 404 in stop and go traffic to return to my home, sweet, home. My family was anxiously waiting for my arrival (calling me in the car for arrival time status updates). It is amazing how as soon as you pull into your driveway, your stress levels go down and you can finally begin to relax after an intense day. A bit to eat, a cold drink, resting on my patio and filling Michelle in on the day's adventures were next on the agenda.

Going to Princess Margaret now has become a fairly routine event in my life. I go at least a few times every other week. I am getting pretty familiar with the hospital itself, the routines and procedures that will happen during treatment and I even know some of the staff by first name now. I am so thankful for the wonderful care that I am receiving there but deep down I wish that I did not have to go there and this wasn't part of my life. 

"You have been assigned this mountain to show others it can be moved." ~ Author Unknown

I am a lean, mean, cancer fighting machine and I've got my whole team in my corner!

Richard

 

Journey vs. Battle

When I started my cancer blog over a year ago now, I struggled with what terminology I would use to discuss and share my own personal experiences along the way. Was it a cancer journey or a cancer battle? Was I fighting and battling cancer or was I dealing with a disease that would change my life. How would we handle it? How would we navigate what was yet to come?

Before starting my blog I skimmed some other cancer blogs and found that most were referring to their journey as a 'battle' or 'fight' against cancer. They included a lot of war terminology that seemed harsh and inappropriate to me at the time but now that I have been on this journey and have experienced all that cancer brings to my life and my family's life, it really is an accurate metaphor for the journey. I had purposely chosen to use the word 'journey' instead because I preferred to use non violent terms of reference and wanted to remain optimistic and positive throughout the posts but make no mistake this is a battle! This is the fight of my life, so I thought for this blog, I'd try using the battle analogy - maybe it reflects a little how I am feeling today!

Mission Possible?

Right from the start of this journey/battle/fight we were given terrible odds of winning (or surviving really). When you are told that you have three months to a year to live at your first appointment with your oncologist, your heart sinks, you feel hopeless and finding the will to 'fight' on doesn't really enter the picture at that particular moment in time. Surprisingly after the reality and scope of the situation finally does sink in, you quickly realize all that you have worth 'fighting' for, you regroup or pivot, you plan your 'strategies of attack' and your formulate the 'ongoing battle plan' to 'fight' back against this worthy enemy. 

Using Every Tool Available in my Arsenal

From the beginning of my cancer diagnosis, my  team has used every treatment option available to 'battle' my cancer. I have gone through radiation and three different chemotherapy treatments and now two clinical trials. Although my cancer did 'retreat' back a few times during these treatments, it ultimately fought back and moved on to new battlegrounds in my body. As Michelle likes to point out and remind me, we may have lost these battles but they did provide me/us with additional time and I am still here today fighting on, twenty one months later, still able to talk about the fight and still able to battle on. It's not over yet!

Collateral Damage

I have experienced some side effects as a result of my treatment regimens that have included an ongoing compromised immune system, various side effects with various levels of discomfort, pain and intensity.  My body weight continues to fluctuate and has once again begun to decrease due to an ongoing lack of appetite and some difficulty swallowing. Increased pain and soreness in various regions of my  body and some sleepless nights are the new norm for me I guess. 

One piece of collateral damage for cancer patients that doesn't get talked about much is the emotional side of cancer and the toll that cancer takes on the patient, caregivers and family. Your emotional quality of life and that of your family suffers.  You are constantly fighting off negative emotions, moments of despair and melancholy. You are scheduling your life between appointments, treatments and recovery days. Your hopes and dreams for the future are pushed to the here and now. You see others that are moving forward with their lives and planning for the future, exploring fun and exciting retirement options and you just can't help but feel a little jealous and envious of them. We should be doing this too! Your children's lives are also impacted by the 'battle'. Although they try to move forward and continue on as normal as possible, it's not normal and will never be normal again. Cancer is not going away. The worry and concerns are always there. It is hard to focus on your own new exciting life journey when they see the struggles and worries in their parents.  The lingering cloud of what is to come is always just a thought away.

Army of Support

Every 'war' needs a strong army to 'battle'. I can honestly say that I feel that I have a strong army of support with me, every step of the way. I am so thankful for the 'army of support' that we have received along the way. This blog has allowed me to share my journey and in turn learn about the personal 'battles' that many of you are facing or have faced yourself. We have come to realize that you can not fight this 'battle' alone and that it takes a community of supporters to help along the way. We are so grateful to have you by our side and for your words of encouragement, support and prayers. 

Fighting the Good Fight

We will, as a family, continue to 'fight' the good 'fight' for as long and as hard as possible. It has not been easy. This is a battle of wills and I can be very stubborn if I have to be!

Whatever I/we choose to call it, it is the fight of my life. I am just a stubborn as cancer can be. 

"We will never surrender!" ~ Winston Churchill

Thanks for supporting me along the way.  

Richard

PIVOT! SEIZE TODAY!

My drive down the Don Valley Parkway to Princess Margaret this week was extra distracting and emotionally charged. This particular drive down was not for treatment, tests or blood work but rather to discuss the recent results of my latest CT scan. My mind was racing the entire way down. As I drove closer towards the hospital, various scenarios were playing around in my head.  I was mentally preparing myself for all possible outcomes for my scan results. I was thankful for the radio that at least offered a few moments of distraction from my racing thought process. The heavy traffic flow also helped to distract me from my emotions as I needed to focus on the stop and go traffic at times. I was also thinking about and thankful for the messages of support and the "I'm thinking of you" texts that greeted me when I woke up that morning and throughout the day. I am so fortunate really.  My mind kept returning to the line of thinking that surely this time the news would be different. 

WAITING ROOMS 

Adding to the anxiety and stress was the time spent waiting in the waiting room. I don't know about you but waiting in a waiting room just adds to my overall nervousness, especially when you are waiting to get some important news. I wasn't even able to drink the dark roast coffee that I had just purchased for the wait. As I looked around the waiting room I couldn't help but notice all of the faces of the other patients. I couldn't help but wonder if they too were waiting to hear important, possibly life changing news, like me. Thankfully the t.v. screen offered a few more moments of distraction for me but the non-stop news channels' coverage on vaccines, issues in Long Term Care, long lineups at pop up clinics, international cases of COVID 19, were not exactly soothing or relaxing, I must say we all could use a little good news these days!

Soon I was escorted to the second waiting room. You know the  one, that inner waiting room when you are left alone behind closed doors in a small examining room waiting for the doctor. I don't know about you, but that inner waiting room is very intimidating. You can hear people talking and moving about and you don't know what is happening or when the door will open and the doctor will just pop in at any moment. You can't help but scan the room because let's face it, there is nothing else to do. Often there are posters warning you of signs and symptoms.  Again, not exactly easing my mind!

ALL FOR NOTHING!

To get to the point, my CT scan results again were not favourable. My oncologist walked in, we put Michelle on speaker phone, and she immediately put some photocopies of scan results on the desk. It quickly became clear from the images and her explanation that my cancer tumours continued to grow (at a fairly rapid rate I might add) and that it was her conclusion that this new trial was not working. She then indicated that my participation in the trial would need to be stopped. Devastating news for sure. All of those tests, procedures and time that I had spent in the hospital overnight did not pay off in the end. My cancer continues to advance and precious time continues to tick on. I must say that it was worth the shot. It could have made a difference. Still very disappointing news for me, Michelle and the family, that is for sure.

PIVOT!

We are now back in limbo again, waiting for another possible trial to open and be a fit for me and my type of cancer. The options are narrowing considerably now.  I have a scheduled meeting next week to see what options, if any, are available to me. I gave myself two days to have a pity party and am now I am back to focusing on the positives. I am still feeling good, I am still able to fully function, I have my family and friends supporting me. Hopefully things will open up soon and we can enjoy life as we knew it, once again.

My journey has taken many twists and turns. There seems to be more downs than ups lately but we will fight on. I am not a typical patient and I have been an outlier in so many way thus far.  So as always, we have hope.

Thanks for your your continued words of encouragement and support. I truly appreciate it. Your kindness is not forgotten.

Carpe Diem! Or as we now like to say, Seize Today!  

Richard

Sometimes I forget!

It's true! Sometimes I forget that I have cancer. Hard to believe right? It is strange. It might be just for a few minutes during the day or sometimes, when I am lucky, for longer periods of time. There are days, when I can almost get through the entire day without thinking about cancer or my own personal circumstances. These are special moments. They are carefree moments. They are 'normal' moments. They provide a much needed escape from reality, my reality. Often they occur when I am distracted, busy or thinking of others. I talked about finding distractions in one of my previous blogs. I must say that it is getting harder and harder to find these lasting moments of distraction, especially as I wait for next steps in my cancer journey. I am thankful that they they still provide me with some respite from my reality.

Unfortunately there are also constant reminders or prompts that pop up all the time that quickly bring me back to reality! It might be a zap or a pain in my body or a telephone call that seems to come out of the blue, to book another appointment or to share some recent results. It can even be a television commercial about cancer treatments, cancer lotteries or donating to cancer causes. It is amazing how many commercials there are about cancer when you pay attention and notice them. Let me tell you that you can't get through an episode of Wheel of Fortune, Jeopardy or Sunday Morning (our latest obsessions) without seeing a commercial about cancer, often multiple commercials, sometimes two in a row. These are shows that come over the US networks, where they can advertise directly to patients.  It is everywhere and impossible to ignore! I have noticed that even the talk shows seem to be highlighting people and families that are dealing with cancer or who have survived cancer. It is then, that my own reality comes roaring back.  Oh yeah, that's me, I'm a member of the cancer club.  It is sad and disappointing to say that prior to my own cancer diagnosis, I really didn't notice or pay much attention to cancer. Now I can't escape it.

Sometimes I forget what it was like 'before cancer'. I am now in my seventeenth month since being diagnosed with esophageal cancer. At that time, being here at seventeen months after my diagnosis was not even a possibility or part of the discussion.  That was the dream, to be an outlier! It has been a whirlwind since that fateful day back in September 2019. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago. I remember being so excited for the start of my retirement, excited for our planned retirement trips and exciting adventures that were upon us. Little did we know that we would have to detour, postpone and alter our plans due to an unplanned and unwelcome adventure that would take us on a medical roller coaster ride. This ride has had many ups and downs and plateaus along the way. I guess it is the ride of our life, for better or worse.

Sometimes forgetting is a good thing but I will never forget the love and support from my wife, family, friends and colleagues. You are what keeps me going, keeps me positive and keeps me hoping! 

I will always remember and be thankful,

Richard

Happiness is medicine too Dad!

Well I said I would not do it. There was no possible way. It just wasn't the right time. How could we possibly add more responsibility and stress to our already busy family lives. With all my tests, procedures and treatments this week and possible ongoing treatment in downtown Toronto, this just wasn't a good time. I was even able to come up with many more valid reasons why this was not a good idea. We already had so much going on, how could we add more to the mix? It would be just crazy. I was so proud of myself for resisting the 'family pressure' - the constant texts and Instagram photos of adorable cocker spaniel puppies. Why was I the only one standing strong and firm. No puppy for the Erdmann family!

Well that didn't last long! All three kids and Michelle kept sending me adorable Instagram photos & videos of cute puppies. Soon I too started to share puppy photos back and forth with the family. There were so many cute and adorable puppies to share. Those puppy eyes. They can be hard to resist. Next Sophie started looking up cocker spaniel breeders and sending information on available puppies in our area. Soon she had us hooked into an appointment to see a breeder in nearby Tottenham. Just to look, only look, at two puppies that were for sale. I agreed to only look! Well we did the unthinkable, we got a new puppy!

We are so pleased to welcome Miss Lily Rose to the Erdmann home. She is absolutely adorable and her puppy eyes are melting our hearts already. It is amazing how she, in such a short period of time, has already transformed our family dynamics. She has somehow helped to lift the cloud hanging over us. Lily has given us all a reason to smile, to laugh and to spend more time together as a family. She has provided us with a wonderful positive distraction when we needed it the most. In less than a week, our sweet Miss "Lily-pad"  has provided our family with so much happiness. As Josh was quick to point out, "Dad, happiness is medicine too!" This is so true. Happiness & laughter really are a form of medicine. It changes your perspective and helps to distract you from your troubles.

For those of you with pets, especially dogs, you know that they provide truly unconditional love. Nothing puts a smile on my face faster than those cute puppy eyes staring at you and that little puppy tail wagging vigorously when she sees you. It was definitely love at first sight when we met little Miss Lily. She is just what the doctor ordered for our family. She is providing the spark of happiness and distraction our family needed. It is so wonderful to see the kids smiling, snuggling her and laughing at her antics. Interestingly, we think that Lily seems to have that sense that something is just not right with me. She has already formed a strong bond with me and snuggles and naps on my chest. This in turn calms me down.

That being said however, we will never forget our beloved family dog Darcy. He was one of a kind. There is not a day that goes by that we don't think of him or something happens that reminds us of him. He will be forever in our hearts. Darcy was my faithful companion. He was apart of our family for over fourteen years. Little Miss Lily is already melting our hearts and finding her own special place in our family and in turn, she seems to be developing a special spot for each one of us in the family as well!

Happiness can take many forms. The love of family (including pets) is one of the best ways to de-stress and distract from your troubles. When we start to get to that darker place and discouraged, seeing that little puppy face, just lifts your heart.  It really is one of the best medicines Josh! I'm so thankful that I got 'persuaded' to add Miss Lily to our family. 

Have a great weekend everyone. Hug your family! Hug your pet!  

Now if only she would poop outside and sleep in later than 4 am!  Ah, but we do love ya little Miss Lily!

Richard

Standing Tall Through it All

This week's blog comes courtesy of My Michelle.

We have thankfully approached that one year marker of Richard's diagnosis of stage IV esophageal cancer. I say thankfully, because the odds were against us and all evidence was pointing unbelievably, to a different outcome.  I often get asked "I don't know how you do it?".  Well the truth is, we really don't have much of a choice.  To give Richard the best possible chance, and the best quality of life, we have a chemo treatment plan, we have a follow up and testing plan, we have the excellent care of a health care team who are determined to help us get through it all.  Where we do have choice, is how we think, how we feel, how we treat one another, keeping connected with family and friends, and choosing to "stand tall through it all".

Standing tall, is not a new concept for our family.  It has been a value we have tried to instil in our children - encouraging them to stand up for what they believe in, make their decisions and then stand behind them, always be proud of who they are and to hold their head high.  

In a literal sense, it was one of the things that first drew me to Richard.  Richard always has stood tall, with a great sense of posture, always standing up for what and for those he believes in, always proud of who he is and our family. Richard has stood tall during his career in education, with his peers, his students and their families.

Richard has also approached his cancer journey, standing tall.  As his wife, it is one of the most difficult things to watch him go for treatments, supporting him, but not able to make it go away.  It has been worse with COVID 19 restrictions, where I can't even go into the treatments with him or sit by him in the chemo suite to keep him company.  I drive him to and from every treatment, make sure he is as comfortable as possible, that our bedding is changed and ready for his nap when he gets home (nothing is better than fresh sheets and blankets!), and that our home "sparkles and shines" and is as germ free as possible. He always walks into the hospital with his head high, his backpack confidently on one shoulder, and with purpose in his step.   I try to be strong, be his advocate and his comfort when he needs it.  I don't always stand tall, but I try.  I am a migraine sufferer and have found that I've had a few more than normal over this past year.  On one particular day when it was particularly bad, our kids said to me "Mom, you can't get sick.  If you go down, we all go down."  Certainly, more than ever I feel the need to stand tall and be strong, our family depends upon it.

I know we (and I) don't always have to be strong, that it's okay to give in and have a good cry, to reach out to others for a helping hand, and in fact it is healthy and necessary to do so!  Asking for help, and accepting help, helps us all "Stand Tall" and also gives a chance to others to share the load, and we can maybe "Stand Tall" together.

Proud to Stand Tall through it all and together, with you,

Love Michelle

  

A Blessing and a Curse

This week has been both a blessing and a curse for me and my family.

The rollercoaster ride that cancer can take you on is always mixed with both positive and negative news. There are ups and downs, highs and lows and sometimes you can experience both in the very same day! Small victories and minor defeats are part of life as a patient with cancer, especially a stage 4 cancer patient. As a family we try to celebrate the victories and downplay the defeats. We pray for as many small victories along the way as possible. We are thankful that we have had a few!

This week we experienced both a small blessing (at least we think it is) and a minor curse (hopefully). In a previous blog I mentioned that my medical team has been monitoring a small tumour in my brain that they were unsure of whether or not was cancerous.  Last week I had my next scheduled MRI followed by my consult with my radiation oncologist . I am pleased to report that they feel that this tumour is not cancerous. They will continue to monitor it but its a small victory! We take it when we can get it!

On the concerning side, my hiccups have returned and are becoming more frequent during eating. It is becoming difficult to eat tough meats like steak or well done meats. At the moment, I seem to be able to tolerate other meats but need to cut them into smaller pieces and eat them slowly. My years in education (both as a teacher and administrator) have trained me to eat fast (and usually on the go!). I have had to slowly retrain myself to slow down while eating. Still a work in progress according to my family. 

In my blog post Food, Glorious Food! I talk about how I had to change to a liquid only diet. Let me tell you that this is something that I hope I don't have to return to. A liquid only diet is not something that I would wish on anyone. Don't get me wrong, I will struggle through it if I have to.

When I start to hiccup at the dinner table or have difficulty eating, you can see the look of concern on the faces of my family members. This is probably due to the fact that it reminds us all of how my cancer journey began and what it has taken away from our lives already. My hope is that this is only a small set back. Only time will tell what is in store for me regarding food. In the meantime, we will consider this a minor curse and hope for the best. I will continue to eat all my favourite food (minus the well done steak) until the point where this may not be possible.

I encourage you to savour the flavours of your favourite foods (don't take them for granted) and enjoy the social interactions that eating together with others (family & friends) provides. Celebrate your blessings, no matter how small, and don't forget to enjoy your steak (LOL).

Richard

Our Photographer

This week's blog is courtesy of My Michelle .

Our home is filled with photographs.  Some are framed and covering most of the available table tops and walls.  Some are in boxes and stored on shelves, in drawers and under dressers.  Lots are on hard drives and stored electronically.  Many are school age photos of our kids, the trusty photo shoots from Sears, proud memories of proms and graduations (our own and our kids), birthdays, anniversaries and family holiday times together. Images that chronicle important events and candid moments in our lives together.

And then you come up the stairs and turn the corner and you see a collection of a different kind, a gallery sampling of some fine quality photography - mainly wildlife, flowers and birds, taken by Richard.   His other personal favourite images to post are "food", and he has been known for posting on facebook some of the more grand Sunday roast dinners and various baking challenges we've might have gotten up to over the years - and there were many!  He actively posts his images on various social and photo club platforms, some have over 30,000 views. Many are very, very good.  I've encouraged him to sell some of the images, but he is reluctant to do so, and I always wondered why.

I myself am not much of a photographer- I'll take a selfie now and again, capture a moment on my phone of something that takes my eye, but generally that job has fallen to Richard to capture the special family moments and memories.  A role not limited only for our immediate family, but our extended family as well.  We  often tease him, our personal papparazzi, as he was always snapping photos, taking so many, to get that perfect one!  But as life goes, and with so much having changed, people who have left us, looking back through all of the images, we are all so glad we have them, and importantly, that he took them.  

Now the challenge with always being the photographer, is you are behind the camera and not as often in front of the camera. So as much as you are a part of the event, with the eye of an artist,  knowing the people so well, and in that quest to capture the perfect moment, he's not always in the photograph! Richard invested in a tripod with a remote control so in recent times, we were able to get all of us in a number of shots, or we would take turns taking the snaps.

I have always been a little cavalier about photos, happy to have them after they are done, glad I bought all of those Sears portfolios of the kids (I was always a sucker to buy the whole thing!), grateful to have them all and the meaning of life they truly represent.   I've never been a person to create reams of photo albums, or scrapbooks, was always too busy or had other things to do.  As organized and a planner as Richard is, surprisingly he didn't push for this either.  But now we plan to go through those boxes and get things in order, print off some of our favourites that currently exist in the digital world, and give some away to others who may enjoy them and take comfort in "remembering when"

Now I get it, especially as you face how fleeting and fragile life can be, the value of capturing those photos. I am so glad he did.  I also get why he doesn't want to sell some of his more artistic ones.   They are a part of him, the things he saw that had some beauty or interest to him personally, something that spoke to him.

Keeping his love in our photographs, my photographer.  

             

Richard's Flickr Photo Gallery

Love, Michelle

Gone Fishin'

This week we had the good fortune to be able to get away for a few days to a cottage on Lake Musoka in Gravehurst, Ontario. It was a glorious few days up in beautiful cottage country. I had forgotten how majestic it was up in Musoka. A true Canadian paradise. This was all made possible thanks to the generosity of a work friend and her family who graciously let us stay at her family cottage. This was my week off of chemotherapy and we took advantage of the time off and freedom, to get away. This cottage trip was a wonderful reprieve from our everyday routines and weekly appointments and provided us with a glorious, picturesque location (as we have not been venturing out much these days) to rest, relax and enjoy family time together. We all seemed to enjoy the serenity, the quiet and the chance to be one with nature again. Nothing makes you slow down and count your blessing like a trip to the cottage.

One of the highlights of the trip was the fishing! When I was younger my family owned a cottage and we spent most of my summers there and I used to go fishing almost everyday. I loved to troll the shores of the lake for bass, pike and perch. It was a great lake to catch fish. They always seemed to be biting. My parents sold the cottage when I was in my early twenties. At the time, I was focused on my new life and didn't visit the cottage that often. It was becoming too much for my parents to handle, so they sold it. I have always regretted it. Once we moved to York Region my opportunity to go fishing diminished considerably. I have not really gone fishing in a boat since 2012. Thanks to my wonderful work friends, they arranged for Jon, Josh and I to have a guided fishing excursion on Lake Muskoka (the girls opted to lounge on the deck, lakeside). Our guide Mike took us on his professional fishing boat to all the great fishing spots on the lake. I even bought a new fishing rod, reel and tackle box full of new lures. I always wanted to take the boys fishing and this was my chance. We had a great morning of fishing and caught a variety of fish including walleye, bass, pike and perch. So glad they were biting that morning. Nothing better than that feeling when a fish takes your bait- fish on! As you

can see from the smiles on their faces, I think the boys had a good time! We caught enough for a great fish fry. The girls meanwhile enjoyed their time on the dock, reading and relaxing with their morning coffee- and there may have been a trip into town.

We also enjoyed a quick trip into Gravenhurst later that day to do a bit of sightseeing and shopping too. In the evening, we made a reservation on the patio at a local restaurant and had a wonderful dinner on the patio with all five of us. It just doesn't get any better than that. Although the time in Muskoka was short, we made the most of it and enjoyed every minute.

You might be asking at this point, what does this have to do with cancer. I might have asked the same thing reading this blog. The answer is absolutely nothing! Sometimes you just want to forget about cancer (even just for a few days). This wonderful trip allowed my family to forget all about cancer, our medical issues and worries for just a few days and simply enjoy our beautiful country in all its natural glory and quiet time together with each other. What more can you ask for. Words can not express how much this time away meant to me personally and

how much I enjoyed our much needed quiet time together by the lake. We are already planning our next excursion for my next week off chemo in the middle of August. Hopefully it will include more chances to go fishing (and shopping :) ) too!

Life is better at the cottage!

Richard

I'll get by with a little help from my friends!

For this week's blog, I wanted to take some time to let you know, just how much of a difference it makes to me to be able to connect with each and every one of you.  I can honestly say, that if it was not for the support of my family, friends & colleagues, I do not think I would have made it this far and be here today. My determination and will power not only comes from you all, it truly amplifies it. It can be so easy to just give up, feel defeated and let cancer win. There are moments when you are so tired and emotionally drained that you start to lose hope and for a split second feel 'what is the point in fighting this battle, when the outcome is already determined for you'. But then there are moments of hope, of optimism, of resilience that push you to fight on. To fight for every extra day that you get, to fight for the chance to continue to experience more of life's moments, to fight to not be the "typical patient". Often these sparks of optimism and resiliency come when I am thinking of my family and friends. I want to be here to experience life with you all. You all make me want to fight on!

I am so very thankful for the outpouring of support that I continue to have from so many of you. Words can't adequately express what it really means to me and to my family. To have someone take the time out of their own busy lives to drop a note, a text, a call, leave a blog comment, reach out, take time to have a coffee, this is overwhelming to me.  It means the world to me to know that others are thinking about and praying for me and my family. I often think and worry about those that do not have a support network behind them like I do. We all need an army of support to continue our cancer battle. Who is pushing them to keep up the good fight? Who is giving them the positive messages of support and encouragement? We all need someone to be our advocate and champion. 

We don't often realize that the small gestures that we show towards others can make such a big difference in their lives. A simple smile, a hug (when we can hug again!), a text or email or letter, a phone call, or an offer of support can truly make a difference. I am humbled by those that have reached out that I have not had contact with for many years. Those that have taken the time to reach out to me and offer their support. Old work and high school colleagues, old friends that we have lost contact with, all reaching out and cheering me on. I know this is not easy, I know it's hard to know what to say.  For me, I feel I am truly blessed. 

Fighting cancer can be a lonely battle, even with family and friends by your side, but knowing that others 'have your back' and are quietly or vocally supporting you in their thoughts and prayers, helps to keep you going. 

The little photo of the friendship plaque, is a piece that hangs in our kitchen, a gift from a kind lady years ago and was given to us as a "thank you" and is a memory of such fun times shared. A small token, but one that we hang proudly in our home and is a reminder of the power of friendship. She too is fighting her cancer battle "across the pond" and we think of her and her family often and wish her well.  It was the perfect image for today's blog.

Thanks to all for your ongoing support and encouragement. It is making a difference. 

Oh, and I get by with a little help from my friends! 

Richard

Fireworks - It's not what you think!

 This week's blog post was written on Tuesday, June 30th.

I am writing this blog post sitting in my chemo chair in the cancer centre on this glorious Tuesday morning. This week I was fortunate to have a chemo chair by the window overlooking the beautiful newly planted hospital gardens, with a blue sky and the sun shining so brightly over the town of Newmarket. If I wasn't sitting here in this chair right now, I would most certainly be sitting by our pool drinking my second cup of coffee, talking with Michelle and watching the birds in our backyard take their morning bath in our birdbath. Being here, stuck in this chair, gives me lots of time to think, contemplate and write.  My treatment today will last 2.5 hours. I am currently in my second round of treatment in this new series. My new chemotherapy plan calls for weekly chemo infusions in a three week cycle. Every fourth week I have a week off. Yay!

I found out that I don't need a PICC line installed on my arm this time. This means no bottle buddy ! I sure don't miss him. (For those of you that don't know who bottle buddy is, it was the nickname given to my portable chemo bottle that I had to wear for a week at a time during my last series of chemotherapy). Having no bottle buddy means that I can still go swimming, take showers without assistance and wear short sleeved t-shirts. Wonderful news for sure, especially over these hot summer days. For the moment, I am free to enjoy all that summer offers.

Internal Fireworks

My side effects this time seem to be a little harsher. The days following my treatment have been tiresome. I'm not as energetic (hyper) as I usually am. I seem more irritable and 'grumpy'. At times I have what can best be described as 'mini fireworks' happening inside my body. These little 'sparks' or 'zaps' seem to be most intensified in my legs & arms but sometimes they occur throughout my body. They are not really painful but do cause some discomfort and are surprising at times. It's like I am having my own mini Canada Day fireworks display going on inside my body, lol.  Luckily, so far, I still don't have any nausea or vomiting. This is great news to me.  I also have infrequent numbness in my arms and hands, but overall I do feel fortunate to still have mostly minor side effects at this time. We shall see how it goes as we continue these treatments. Fingers crossed it stays this way.

As I sit here in my chair, I sometimes sneak a little peak at the other cancer patients in their chairs. It is really hard not to do this as you are literally sitting directly across from another patient and there also five others in close proximity. Why are these chairs always full? It always amazes me the number of people that are here. I arrived at 8:30 a.m. this morning as one of the first patients to be seen and by 9:15 all of the chairs were full. There is definitely not a lot of privacy here. Sometimes you see other cancer patients sneaking a peek back at you too. Your eyes make contact for a brief moment. What are they thinking? Probably the same think that I am thinking, why are you here? As I look around the room at some of the other patients receiving their treatment, many of them look very frail, quite pale and seem exhausted from their treatments. This makes me feel like an imposter. I on the other hand have a nice summer tan happening and am generally quite chipper during treatment. If you saw me, you could never tell that I have cancer. This reminds me how important it is to remember that we can't always see the burdens that others are carrying with them. It is so important to treat others with kindness because you don't know what others are going through.

As the time passes in the chair and I sit here listening to music and continue to write this blog post, I hope and pray that these treatments are all worth it. Will they really make a difference? I am openly agreeing to have toxins administered into my body to fend/fight off my cancer. Will they help to stop the spread of my disease? Only time will tell. Right now this is my best and only defence in this important fight. 

It's time to keep calm and carry on! I only have a few more minutes left in treatment until I can enjoy that cup of coffee with Michelle in the backyard! This morning, with you, having coffee.

Richard

Together Is My Favourite Place To Be

This week's blog is courtesy of My Michelle

I am sitting and writing this little note with my laptop on my knee, outside, my feet  up on an ottoman and looking out over our backyard.  What a view!  Our gardens have really come along this year, and with most of them being perennials, we are just getting ready for the summer time show and next round of blooms now that the peonies are fading.  Richard is lounging on the sofa beside me, finally taking time to relax and rest a bit - admiring all of his hard work.  He is my chief gardener, flower bed digger upper,  and all around pool maintenance guy!  It's a hard thing to get him to slow down and rest.  He is always up, busy, finding something to do, or fix, or organize.  But you see, this week we have entered into the second round of chemo, and this is hitting him a little harder than the last series.  A few more side effects, a bit more fatigue, and well the acknowledgement really of the need to slow down, just a bit.  I must admit it's hitting me harder too emotionally.  This week I find too, that the kids  are a little more sombre, a little more considerate and checking in on their dad.

We've been planning a few day trips to visit some of our favourite local spots, with the next one on our list to be the beautiful Niagara on the Lake.  We had a lovely day planned for tomorrow and are just discussing should we go or not.  Our conversation is going something like "Well, it is a bit of a drive, we are kind of tired, what will it really accomplish".  We need to be careful as he is immunocompromised and of course be in consideration with the ever present risks of COVID-19.  But at the end of the day, we are hoping that a change of scenery, maybe a stop at a special little hat store (I want to buy him a hat!), pick up a bottle of wine or two and just getting away, will give our spirits a little lift.  Sometimes you just have to put one foot in front of the other, venture out and go for it!    

We certainly had plans for more grand adventures, more travel, more experiences in far a way places.  While at times we are disappointed that things are not quite working out the way we planned,  I have to say,  all of that really doesn't matter, not really, because together, well that's my favourite place to be.

Love 

Michelle

Celebrating Fathers

Sunday is Father's Day. My children ask me every year, what I would like for a Father's Day gift. My usual response is "nothing" because I really have everything that I need or want. But this year is a little bit different, because what I really want is more time! I want more time to see them continue to mature into adulthood and beyond. I would like to be there to see them find a life partner, to hopefully have children of their own, and build on their career paths. They each have so much potential and unique talents. I know that they have exciting futures ahead of them. I really want to be apart of these milestone moments. I hope that cancer doesn't take all of them away from me and I can share in some still to come.

From the moment each of them came into Michelle and my lives, they changed our outlook and focus in life forever. As parents and as a father, you learn as you go. I am sure that we/I have made our fair share of mistakes along the way but based on the wonderful young adults that they have become, we couldn't have done that bad of a job raising them. We always tease Jonathan, that he taught us everything we needed to know about being a parent, and Josh and Sophie reaped the benefits! I hope that the many wonderful childhood memories that I hold dear in my heart are memories that they too will never forget. 

I have been so fortunate to be with all three of them for the entire summer each year. This is one of the blessings of having a career in teaching. This has meant that I have been able to be 'present' for them on weekends, holidays and all summer long. This is a special gift of time that I have been given. I can remember packing them all up in the wagon and making our way to the park each day. I can remember spreading the garden hose out on the lawn so that they could run through it on a hot day. Listening to them laugh and giggle and try to spray each other with the hose. Taking trips to the public library and signing out books for summer reading. Visiting the local wading pools to cool down prior to getting our own pool. Stopping for ice cream or a small box of Timbits during our travels. Going on day camp trips to various parks, zoos and outings. Watching them jump on the trampoline trying to do flips, playing a fierce game of badminton or croquet in the backyard. Licking popsicles on a humid day, watching them learn to do dives and grading their hand stands in the pool competitions, roasting marshmallows by the fire, making homemade pizzas on the bbq and sitting by the poolside fire at the end of a great day of swimming. "Dad, dad, dad - watch me!" And who can forget Soccerfest which always seem to land on Father's Day each year. These are just a few of our wonderful summer memories.

I can honestly say that being a father has been my greatest achievement in life. I am so fortunate to have three exceptional children (proud dad moment here). I am so very proud of the amazing adults they have become. Each of them have strong morals, determination and a kind heart. They have so much potential. Having the privilege to parent alongside Michelle, (who is an outstanding, dedicated mother) has been incredible. I could not have asked for a better life partner. We are not expert parents by any means, but we continue to dedicate our lives to guiding them and providing them with opportunities to succeed in life. We have really put a focus on them throughout our lives. We would not want it any other way.

I want to wish all fathers and father figures out there a Happy Father's Day. Well Done! 

"Of all the titles that I have been privileged to have, "Dad" has always been the best." ~ Ken Norton

Love you always Jon, Josh and Sophie!

Dad XOXO

SCAN-xiety 2.0- Unwelcome News

Previously, in my blogpost entitled SCAN-xiety, I talked about the rollercoaster ride cancer patients and their families go through regarding tests and scans. In that post I described the intense emotions that each test cycle creates for me personally and for my family. It all starts with the worry and wonder leading up to the test. Followed by the anxiousness on the day of the test and finally the concern and the dread of the possible results or outcomes from the test. I must say that waiting for the test results is definitely the most challenging part. Hence the term, SCAN-xiety. 

Last week, I had my regularly scheduled CT scan (which I have booked approximately every three months to keep us and my medical team up to date on the progress of my treatment). It was, like previous scans, fairly routine except perhaps for the new hospital protocols that are in place due to the ongoing COVID-19 issues.  The CT scan itself takes about 15 minutes. The machine pushes you into a cylinder tube that is rotating. It tells you to hold your breath for five seconds (it seems longer than that).  The platform then moves you slowly out of the tube (while you are holding your breath). This happens a few times. Fairly painless overall, except for a few slightly claustrophobic panic moments in the CT scan tube perhaps.  And then you wait! Waiting is painful, not literally but emotionally. 

Usually you wait until your next scheduled appointment with your oncologist to get the scan results however a few days after my scan I received a call from the hospital to indicate that my oncologist wanted to book a phone consult with me.  This was a week earlier than anticipated to discuss the results, which is not usually a good sign. Our family's anxiety levels immediately starting rising after getting off the phone. 

Unfortunately my early phone call was not good news. My most recent CT scan results had shown that my first line of treatment, which had been successful up until this point, was no longer controlling the spread or stopping the growth of my disease. My oncologist indicated that it was time to move onto the second line of treatment options. 

With our medical team, we are now in the process of determining our next steps, which will definitely include a new round of chemotherapy, a new cocktail of chemo drugs to fight this disease.

However disappointing and discouraging this news is for me and my family, we fight on! It is very hard to reconcile this news, with outward appearances and how I feel overall.  My energy level is good, my appetite is good, my outlook is hopeful and I continue to do most all of the things I normally would be doing.  We stay positive and we hope and pray for better news to come. 

We will not give up!  

"Being challenged in life is inevitable, being defeated is optional" ~ Roger Crawford

Richard