Take a Deep Breath In - Hold It - Breathe Out

SCAN-xiety 3.0

Well here we go again! It is time for another CT scan to determine if my latest line of treatment is making a difference or not. You may recall in my previous blog posts SCAN-xiety & SCAN-xiety 2.0, my track record for receiving positive results has not been good. This brings forth additional anxiety each time leading up to the  test and waiting for the results. As the date of my CT scan draws closer our worry and fear increase proportionally. Many questions continue to swirl around in my head including:  will this time be different? will I finally get some positive news? has my new treatment made any difference at all? have all these tests, overnight stays at the hospital been worth the effort? 

I really did not expect mental health to be such a key factor in my cancer journey when this all started, but after you are diagnosed with cancer, your emotions run wild and are easily intensified. As Michelle mentioned in her blog post Our Life is a Rollercoaster, we have gone through every emotion imaginable from anger, frustration, fear, sadness, surprise, despair and hopefulness to just to name a few. The twists and turns of a cancer journey make life a living drama. It is not a ride we asked to be on but we are buckled in for the long haul and are ready to face all ups and downs and twists and turns that cancer brings our way. 

The stakes of these particular CT scan results are really high this time around because they will indicate whether or not  my treatment is making a difference. It will also indicate continuation or perhaps topping of my trial.  The CT scan review meeting with my oncologist is already set for early next week so at least I will not have a long wait to know. This is a small comfort because the emotions and worry set in during this waiting period for all.

Our hope is that this treatment is actually making a difference and that I am slowing down the spread and growth of my active tumours. This was the hopeful outcome of joining this trial in the first place and this is the message we hope to receive next week at the post CT scan meeting. I think that we deserve it. After several disappointing CT scan outcomes we are due for a positive one this time around. I have been following every protocol and attending every procedure, appointment and treatment without fail. We must reap the rewards of this commitment at some point, right?

Regardless of the outcome of the meeting next week, we will not give up! Giving up means admitting defeat and that is something I/we just can't do. I will do whatever it takes to keep moving forward, to keep as healthy as possible and to live my life with my family and friends. If this trial, is not working we will look for another one. There is always hope, there is always a possibility and least that is the the way we see it. 

Like the instructions during the CT Scan..... we need to take a deep breath in, hold it, hold it, hold it and then breathe out, while we wait.

" When you have exhausted all possibilities remember this, you haven't." ~ Thomas Edison

Richard

I get knocked down.... but I get up again!

The weeks and months seem to be both flying by and never ending at the same time right now. It was hard to believe that my three month time frame for check up testing was fast approaching again. My oncologist ordered another CT scan to check on the progress of my second regime of chemotherapy treatments. Previously, in my blog posts SCANxiety and SCANxiety2  I  talked about the worry and anxiety that surrounds these tests for both the cancer patient and their families. These tests can bring hope or despair.  What will my latest test results be? 

Unfortunately it resulted in mixed results.  My cancer seems to be very stubborn and uncooperative!  It is still progressing despite the current treatment being given to suppress or eliminate my tumours. It is time again to pivot and cycle to the next stage, to control the spread of this disease. Plan C here we come!

At this time I have been referred to the Princess Margaret Hospital in Toronto and the potential to participate in a clinical trial with a new drug targeting my form of cancer.  We are hopeful that it will be something that I will be a suitable candidate for and able to join as soon as possible. My oncologist seems to think that I am a good candidate for this study and is advocating for me to join with the team at the hospital.

We definitely have mixed emotions at this time. On the one hand we are very disappointed and heartbroken (honestly) that my current treatments are not working or have stopped working. Although the side effects were increasing with this treatment, it was still manageable and attending Southlake for these treatments was really stress free for our family due to its close proximity to our home.  On the other hand, we are happy that there is another possible option out there to cycle through to help control my cancer.  Princess Margaret is a world renowned hospital for treating cancer and we would be fortunate to have this level of expertise and care supporting my treatments.  Fingers crossed that it all works out. Stay tuned. We will give you an update when available. 

You must know by now, that I am just as stubborn and uncooperative as my cancer seems to be. I will not give up! I will not stop until every option is exhausted and we'll keep on pivoting and cycling on. 

Take that cancer!

Richard

A Blessing and a Curse

This week has been both a blessing and a curse for me and my family.

The rollercoaster ride that cancer can take you on is always mixed with both positive and negative news. There are ups and downs, highs and lows and sometimes you can experience both in the very same day! Small victories and minor defeats are part of life as a patient with cancer, especially a stage 4 cancer patient. As a family we try to celebrate the victories and downplay the defeats. We pray for as many small victories along the way as possible. We are thankful that we have had a few!

This week we experienced both a small blessing (at least we think it is) and a minor curse (hopefully). In a previous blog I mentioned that my medical team has been monitoring a small tumour in my brain that they were unsure of whether or not was cancerous.  Last week I had my next scheduled MRI followed by my consult with my radiation oncologist . I am pleased to report that they feel that this tumour is not cancerous. They will continue to monitor it but its a small victory! We take it when we can get it!

On the concerning side, my hiccups have returned and are becoming more frequent during eating. It is becoming difficult to eat tough meats like steak or well done meats. At the moment, I seem to be able to tolerate other meats but need to cut them into smaller pieces and eat them slowly. My years in education (both as a teacher and administrator) have trained me to eat fast (and usually on the go!). I have had to slowly retrain myself to slow down while eating. Still a work in progress according to my family. 

In my blog post Food, Glorious Food! I talk about how I had to change to a liquid only diet. Let me tell you that this is something that I hope I don't have to return to. A liquid only diet is not something that I would wish on anyone. Don't get me wrong, I will struggle through it if I have to.

When I start to hiccup at the dinner table or have difficulty eating, you can see the look of concern on the faces of my family members. This is probably due to the fact that it reminds us all of how my cancer journey began and what it has taken away from our lives already. My hope is that this is only a small set back. Only time will tell what is in store for me regarding food. In the meantime, we will consider this a minor curse and hope for the best. I will continue to eat all my favourite food (minus the well done steak) until the point where this may not be possible.

I encourage you to savour the flavours of your favourite foods (don't take them for granted) and enjoy the social interactions that eating together with others (family & friends) provides. Celebrate your blessings, no matter how small, and don't forget to enjoy your steak (LOL).

Richard

Fireworks - It's not what you think!

 This week's blog post was written on Tuesday, June 30th.

I am writing this blog post sitting in my chemo chair in the cancer centre on this glorious Tuesday morning. This week I was fortunate to have a chemo chair by the window overlooking the beautiful newly planted hospital gardens, with a blue sky and the sun shining so brightly over the town of Newmarket. If I wasn't sitting here in this chair right now, I would most certainly be sitting by our pool drinking my second cup of coffee, talking with Michelle and watching the birds in our backyard take their morning bath in our birdbath. Being here, stuck in this chair, gives me lots of time to think, contemplate and write.  My treatment today will last 2.5 hours. I am currently in my second round of treatment in this new series. My new chemotherapy plan calls for weekly chemo infusions in a three week cycle. Every fourth week I have a week off. Yay!

I found out that I don't need a PICC line installed on my arm this time. This means no bottle buddy ! I sure don't miss him. (For those of you that don't know who bottle buddy is, it was the nickname given to my portable chemo bottle that I had to wear for a week at a time during my last series of chemotherapy). Having no bottle buddy means that I can still go swimming, take showers without assistance and wear short sleeved t-shirts. Wonderful news for sure, especially over these hot summer days. For the moment, I am free to enjoy all that summer offers.

Internal Fireworks

My side effects this time seem to be a little harsher. The days following my treatment have been tiresome. I'm not as energetic (hyper) as I usually am. I seem more irritable and 'grumpy'. At times I have what can best be described as 'mini fireworks' happening inside my body. These little 'sparks' or 'zaps' seem to be most intensified in my legs & arms but sometimes they occur throughout my body. They are not really painful but do cause some discomfort and are surprising at times. It's like I am having my own mini Canada Day fireworks display going on inside my body, lol.  Luckily, so far, I still don't have any nausea or vomiting. This is great news to me.  I also have infrequent numbness in my arms and hands, but overall I do feel fortunate to still have mostly minor side effects at this time. We shall see how it goes as we continue these treatments. Fingers crossed it stays this way.

As I sit here in my chair, I sometimes sneak a little peak at the other cancer patients in their chairs. It is really hard not to do this as you are literally sitting directly across from another patient and there also five others in close proximity. Why are these chairs always full? It always amazes me the number of people that are here. I arrived at 8:30 a.m. this morning as one of the first patients to be seen and by 9:15 all of the chairs were full. There is definitely not a lot of privacy here. Sometimes you see other cancer patients sneaking a peek back at you too. Your eyes make contact for a brief moment. What are they thinking? Probably the same think that I am thinking, why are you here? As I look around the room at some of the other patients receiving their treatment, many of them look very frail, quite pale and seem exhausted from their treatments. This makes me feel like an imposter. I on the other hand have a nice summer tan happening and am generally quite chipper during treatment. If you saw me, you could never tell that I have cancer. This reminds me how important it is to remember that we can't always see the burdens that others are carrying with them. It is so important to treat others with kindness because you don't know what others are going through.

As the time passes in the chair and I sit here listening to music and continue to write this blog post, I hope and pray that these treatments are all worth it. Will they really make a difference? I am openly agreeing to have toxins administered into my body to fend/fight off my cancer. Will they help to stop the spread of my disease? Only time will tell. Right now this is my best and only defence in this important fight. 

It's time to keep calm and carry on! I only have a few more minutes left in treatment until I can enjoy that cup of coffee with Michelle in the backyard! This morning, with you, having coffee.

Richard

Together Is My Favourite Place To Be

This week's blog is courtesy of My Michelle

I am sitting and writing this little note with my laptop on my knee, outside, my feet  up on an ottoman and looking out over our backyard.  What a view!  Our gardens have really come along this year, and with most of them being perennials, we are just getting ready for the summer time show and next round of blooms now that the peonies are fading.  Richard is lounging on the sofa beside me, finally taking time to relax and rest a bit - admiring all of his hard work.  He is my chief gardener, flower bed digger upper,  and all around pool maintenance guy!  It's a hard thing to get him to slow down and rest.  He is always up, busy, finding something to do, or fix, or organize.  But you see, this week we have entered into the second round of chemo, and this is hitting him a little harder than the last series.  A few more side effects, a bit more fatigue, and well the acknowledgement really of the need to slow down, just a bit.  I must admit it's hitting me harder too emotionally.  This week I find too, that the kids  are a little more sombre, a little more considerate and checking in on their dad.

We've been planning a few day trips to visit some of our favourite local spots, with the next one on our list to be the beautiful Niagara on the Lake.  We had a lovely day planned for tomorrow and are just discussing should we go or not.  Our conversation is going something like "Well, it is a bit of a drive, we are kind of tired, what will it really accomplish".  We need to be careful as he is immunocompromised and of course be in consideration with the ever present risks of COVID-19.  But at the end of the day, we are hoping that a change of scenery, maybe a stop at a special little hat store (I want to buy him a hat!), pick up a bottle of wine or two and just getting away, will give our spirits a little lift.  Sometimes you just have to put one foot in front of the other, venture out and go for it!    

We certainly had plans for more grand adventures, more travel, more experiences in far a way places.  While at times we are disappointed that things are not quite working out the way we planned,  I have to say,  all of that really doesn't matter, not really, because together, well that's my favourite place to be.

Love 

Michelle

SCAN-xiety 2.0- Unwelcome News

Previously, in my blogpost entitled SCAN-xiety, I talked about the rollercoaster ride cancer patients and their families go through regarding tests and scans. In that post I described the intense emotions that each test cycle creates for me personally and for my family. It all starts with the worry and wonder leading up to the test. Followed by the anxiousness on the day of the test and finally the concern and the dread of the possible results or outcomes from the test. I must say that waiting for the test results is definitely the most challenging part. Hence the term, SCAN-xiety. 

Last week, I had my regularly scheduled CT scan (which I have booked approximately every three months to keep us and my medical team up to date on the progress of my treatment). It was, like previous scans, fairly routine except perhaps for the new hospital protocols that are in place due to the ongoing COVID-19 issues.  The CT scan itself takes about 15 minutes. The machine pushes you into a cylinder tube that is rotating. It tells you to hold your breath for five seconds (it seems longer than that).  The platform then moves you slowly out of the tube (while you are holding your breath). This happens a few times. Fairly painless overall, except for a few slightly claustrophobic panic moments in the CT scan tube perhaps.  And then you wait! Waiting is painful, not literally but emotionally. 

Usually you wait until your next scheduled appointment with your oncologist to get the scan results however a few days after my scan I received a call from the hospital to indicate that my oncologist wanted to book a phone consult with me.  This was a week earlier than anticipated to discuss the results, which is not usually a good sign. Our family's anxiety levels immediately starting rising after getting off the phone. 

Unfortunately my early phone call was not good news. My most recent CT scan results had shown that my first line of treatment, which had been successful up until this point, was no longer controlling the spread or stopping the growth of my disease. My oncologist indicated that it was time to move onto the second line of treatment options. 

With our medical team, we are now in the process of determining our next steps, which will definitely include a new round of chemotherapy, a new cocktail of chemo drugs to fight this disease.

However disappointing and discouraging this news is for me and my family, we fight on! It is very hard to reconcile this news, with outward appearances and how I feel overall.  My energy level is good, my appetite is good, my outlook is hopeful and I continue to do most all of the things I normally would be doing.  We stay positive and we hope and pray for better news to come. 

We will not give up!  

"Being challenged in life is inevitable, being defeated is optional" ~ Roger Crawford

Richard

Is this our new Normal?

Earlier in the week, on our trip to our local grocery store Michelle and I ran into a former colleague and friend of mine who has recently moved away. We were surprised to see her back in Newmarket.  Her first instinct was to come over and give Michelle a big hug but she quickly stopped herself after remembering the social distancing rules. She smiled and offered a warm greeting instead. It was a bit of an awkward moments for all three of us. If things were 'normal' or as they used to be, a big hug would have surely been given and appropriate under the circumstances. We all seem to be missing the human contact of others at this time.  Is this our new normal?

On our daily walks through the nature trails of Newmarket, whenever we come across others walking on the path, we quickly go into single file formation, like we are in the military. Michelle says that I go into formation way too early! Most times, the other people on the path do the same for us, but not always! We sometimes end up off the path and on the grass to be sure to keep a safe distance away from others. Is this our new normal?

Ordering items online before Christmas this year was a new novelty for Michelle and I as we had never done online shopping to any great scale before. We were amazed to find all the items that we were looking for and having them delivered straight to our home. We were definitely impressed at the time as it was quick, convenient and saved us time. 

Lately, online shopping has been our only option for us for most of our purchases. We have even tried curb side pickup. I must say that this is definitely not our preferred method of shopping. The time spent scrolling through the items online (trying to find the specific brand we are looking for) and the wait time (sometimes a few days) for the item to be ready for pick up as well as the wait time in your car for the item to be brought to your car has proven to be a bit frustrating. Is this our new normal?

We have even tried online grocery shopping for a few weeks. The novelty has definitely worn off for this as well! We miss grocery shopping in person. Often the items we have tried to purchase have not been available online or are out of stock. It is also not very convenient to order groceries several days in advance as often we run out of them early and have to make a quick trip to the grocery store anyway. This will not be our new normal!

Our three kids are pro's at ordering Uber Eats. We are trying to support local restaurants at least once a week during this time of staying at home (we are also tired of cooking dinners too so this gives us a making dinner break too). We downloaded the UberEats app and ordered food. To our disappointment the order arrived with items missing and with the added fees, the price of the meal was too high in my opinion. I guess I'm just old fashioned and cheap! I would much rather just pick up my take out food. This will not be our new normal (at least for Michelle and I, our kids are another story. They love to order online) !

As our government announces that our economy is beginning to reopen and our day to day lives 'may' begin to return to some form of 'normal' again, I can tell you that I am actually still quite scared. I am scared of getting Covid-19. Although my doctors have indicated that my immune system is not compromised at the moment, I still worry about contracting the virus in my current condition. I do feel that I have several of the risk factors for sure. We have been staying home for the most part, washing our hands regularly and following expected guidelines. Better safe than sorry.

We will all need to remain vigilant and continue to be cautious. I know for sure that I will still be following the guidelines closely even after restrictions have been lifted. 

I guess this will be my new normal!

Stay well, stay safe.

Richard

Unsinkable! #Unsinkable

A big thank you to Unsinkable for sharing my story and my personal cancer blog!  You can find my article under the Neighbourhood Heroes section. The article is called Fighting Cancer with Positivity. Check it out if you get a chance.  

Thanks to all for following my journey!

Richard

The Power of Walking

This week’s blog comes courtesy of My Michelle.

“I’m walking, yes indeed and I’m talking, about you and me!” (Fats Domino)

Richard and I love to exercise and go to the gym, and while his current cancer battle, the restrictions due to COVID 19 and the important need for physical distancing has limited us somewhat, one thing we can definitely do is get outside and WALK!  And walk we do - often averaging 13-15,000 steps at a time. We are so fortunate to live here in Newmarket, where so much attention and planning has gone into creating and preserving greenspace and the provision of extensive walking trails. We walk on the path near our house and have a favourite loop we have mapped out, but we also venture out to the paths around Fairy Lake, the Tom Taylor Trail, as well as along the Nokiidaa Trail.  Appropriately, the word Nokiidaa comes from the Ojibwa and means “Walking Together”.  

On our treks we often run into many old friends and acquaintances, especially folks who know Richard from his 30 plus years in education - peers, families, former students. I actually do not think that I can think of one walk where we didn’t get a “Hi Richard! How are you!”. What’s also great about our walks, is that for the most part, I have Richard all to myself.  To hold hands, to link arms, to encourage him up the hills, to stop and take photos of a point of interest or two, and best of all, to talk. The conversations are different now, more focused on the here and now, logistics of appointments or treatments, things that need to get done, but always with a base of an unspoken appreciation of each other & treasuring our time.  

Lately our son Joshua has been joining us, and this takes the conversation to another place as he is always very concerned for Richard and how he is feeling, likes to see his dad active and walking, encouraging him to work through aches and pains, to keep moving.  Sometimes with physical distancing, I drop behind the two of them as we walk past others, and I love those moments actually, as I see them walk side by side, and I can see how similar they are, same walk, same posture, same stature. There is so much of Richard in each of our children, and I take comfort in that.  

The benefits of walking to your physical and emotional health and management of stress are undeniable. I find at times I am also able to work through issues and problems while I am walking, gaining clarity of thought.  Throw in some sunshine, the promise of some warmer

weather, your loved ones, and well it’s a win-win all around.

It's not where you walk, it's who walks with you.

So join us, lace up your runners, keep calm and walk on.

Love Michelle

Uncertain Times

Wow! What a week!

I guess my questions from last week's blog SCAN-xiety have been answered! Social distancing and staying at home are the new norm for all of us, and it seems will remain that way for the foreseeable future. We are happy to report that we have not joined the frenzy for toilet paper hoarding and will not be joining the lines at Costco any time soon! We will be trying online grocery shopping again, doing lots of home cooking/baking and occasionally supporting local restaurants through take out.

How life has changed so quickly for all of us. Just last week we were free to come and go as we pleased. This week, we are all being asked to respect social distancing, to stay at home, avoiding going out into public unless absolutely necessary. We can view this as either a bother or a blessing. As a family, we choose to consider this a blessing! This has given us more time as a family. It has forced us to slow down. It has provided us with time to reflect (and even time for a few naps!) I must admit that we have been staying in our jammies for most of the morning. Another new normal I guess!  

It is definitely a scary time for all of us but especially for those of us that are immune compromised. 

Treatments and appointments must continue regardless of the growing pandemic around us! On Monday I went for an echocardiogram at the hospital. To be honest, Michelle and I were a little concerned about going to the hospital at all under the circumstances. When we arrived, we were greeted by two nurses and a security guard in full protective gear. We were asked a few questions, given some hand sanitizer and sent to the welcome centre to register. I have to say that I have never seen the hospital so empty and quiet. It was a bit eery. It is usually bustling with people and activity. My paperwork was ready as soon as we arrived on the second floor. Even when we got to the waiting room (which is usually packed with people), it was almost completely empty. I was seen almost immediately and we were in an out of the hospital, in less than 45 minutes. A new record I believe!

Next week, I need to return to the cancer centre for my maintenance treatment. I must admit that I am a little nervous about it. Not about the treatment itself, as I have had two already, but nervous about actually going into the hospital. I know that they will have safeguards in place, but I am still a little concerned about gathering with others, especially as the COVID-19 statistics keep increasing.  All cancer patients are immune compromised (and probably they and their loved ones all have the same worry). We must remember that hospital staff (our local heroes) are dealing with patients every day. They are putting their personal safety at risk each day, to help those of us in need. Our treatments are essential. My concerns and worries are not really an option at this point.  

I have always been impressed with the medical staff, support workers and volunteers at the hospital/cancer centre but I must say again how thankful I am for their courage and devotion to all of us that are ill. We can not thank them enough for their efforts.

On the home front, we are all managing well. All I can say is thank goodness for the internet! All of us have been surfing the net (probably more than we should be) but for the most part it has been a great distraction from the fear and anxiety that can creep in, if we let it. We are trying to limit the amount of time watching the news as this activity seems to strike more fear and anxiety rather than calm us down. We are going for a daily walk around the nature trails in Newmarket (keeping a safe social distance from others and trying to go out at non peak times). We are so fortunate to have this trail system in our town. These daily nature breaks help to lift our spirits, provide some much needed exercise and helps to reduce the chance of cabin fever setting in. A bonus side effect of self distancing and staying home for the most part has been that we are making more homemade meals (fresh bread, stews, soups, etc.) and having less take out. We even have been taking turns as a family making dinners. A second surprising bonus has been that for the most part, we have not yet got on each others nerves. I guess moments of self isolation (ie. the kids spending time in their rooms) has helped. Time will tell if this all changes. We will keep you posted. LOL.

Stay safe, stay strong! Stay positive!

#StaySafeStayHome  #socialdistancing 

Richard

SCAN-xiety

Last week I went for my second maintenance treatment at the cancer centre. After I had made myself comfortable in the infusion chair, the attending nurse asked me when was my last visit with my oncologist? I quickly explained that I had just visited him last Friday to get the results from my recent CT scan. She followed up with a question about the CT scan results. She was very careful to say it in a way that would be supportive regardless of my response (either positive or negative). Luckily I was able to give her a positive response this time. My recent CT scan results indicated no new growth of my tumours. This was, as I was told, good news. My oncologist was pleased with the results and booked a follow up CT scan in three months time.  

The nurse then went on to tell me about her friend, who had breast cancer and her reaction to these tests. She explained that her friend used to call the lead up to getting these test results as having "SCAN-xiety". This immediately resonated with me. This was so true. 

These scans are meant to give us an update on the progress or lack of progress in fighting this disease and yes, they can be very anxiety inducing. You never quite know what the results will be and the waiting time between the actual scan and seeing your oncologist about the results can be a nerve racking time. 

I believe (if my count is accurate) that I have had four CT scans and three MRI's since being diagnosed with cancer in August, along with a series of other tests and procedures. I previously talked about these tests in my blog post, Needles, Scans and Tests Oh My! For the most part, the results have been fairly positive but let me tell you that slow walk to the cancer centre that Michelle and I have taken several times over the past few months have been stressful and anxious each time. As I have stated, so far the results have been relatively positive (since the initial results that were a devastating blow to our family). We hope they stay positive for a long time!

New Anxiety

A new anxiety is fast emerging in our family and I am sure in your family as well. We are all now concerned about the Coronavirus. This is scary new territory for all of us but especially for those of us with lower immune systems, who are at higher risk according to Health officials. As a family, we are asking ourselves: Should I/we be going out in public? Do I/we shake hands with people?  How do we react when people lean in for a hug? Maybe with the social distancing request from Public Health, this will not be an issue for me. Do we need to join the frenzy and stock up on toilet paper and canned goods too?  Should I be going out, should I go out to restaurants, can we go to the mall with the concerns about large crowds? 

I guess for now we will take it day by day (as all of us must do) and make informed decisions about what is in the best interest of our family's health. I have to admit that these are scary times. 

We are trying to remain calm and stay positive. We hope that you are able to do the same.

Keep calm and hand wash on!

Richard

Ups & Downs

Prior to meeting your oncologist at the cancer centre, you are asked to fill out a quick online survey each time you visit. The survey was created by Cancer Care Ontario and it asks you a series of questions. They include questions about pain, tiredness, drowsiness, nausea, appetite, shortness of breath, depression, anxiety and wellbeing. The survey is written using a Likert scale with rating from 0 to 10. They track your answers over time to see if there are any significant changes in each of the categories.  I assume that the health professionals use the data to monitor your health and wellbeing during your treatments.

Two of the questions that are asked, surprised me. They were the questions about your current level of anxiety and another question asking about your level of depression. When I first began to complete these surveys,  I questioned why they would include them. I have cancer, not anxiety or depression. I began to realize their importance after my second round of chemo.

The Canadian Cancer Society points out, that both the patient and his/her family can, and most likely will go through a series of emotions which can including: shock, fear, denial, anger, guilt, anxiety/stress, loneliness/isolation, sadness, depression and hope. I must say that I have experienced most of these emotions over the last few months.

Levels of anxiety and depression do change over time during treatments. I find (and my family finds) that my level of depressive thoughts significantly increases after my round of chemotherapy (especially the three days following the removal of my chemo bottle).  It also has increased after each round of chemo. I am beginning to wonder if it has something to do with my treatments and the fact that they continue to penetrate my whole body system for extended periods of time.

Despite trying to remain positive, negative thoughts do enter your mind and cause moments of despair. I guess that this is something that should be expected. Even the most positive person has moments of despair. I have previously talked about ways that help me to deal with these emotions including: my family, friends, music, nature and laughter.

Other ways that I am trying to add to my emotional toolkit are; mindfulness exercises and positive affirmations. At times, SWEARING helps too! Those that know me, know that I'm not really the swearing type but I must say that since my diagnosis I have said "F#*K cancer!" more than a few times (usually in my head but occasionally it has slipped out loud). Believe it or not, it does have a short term, immediate positive effect. It seems to release some of my built up stress!

Anxiety can also build over time. The fear of the unknown. What will happen next? Is the treatment making any difference at all? These are all questions that come to the surface periodically. This can cause anxious moments.

My biggest concern at the moment is how to support my family and their emotions, while trying to deal with my own emotions at the same time? We all have our up & down moments in any given day. We are working through these emotions one day at a time and trying to push the positive thoughts to the surface more often than the negative.

Trying to stay positive!

Richard