Take a Deep Breath In - Hold It - Breathe Out

SCAN-xiety 3.0

Well here we go again! It is time for another CT scan to determine if my latest line of treatment is making a difference or not. You may recall in my previous blog posts SCAN-xiety & SCAN-xiety 2.0, my track record for receiving positive results has not been good. This brings forth additional anxiety each time leading up to the  test and waiting for the results. As the date of my CT scan draws closer our worry and fear increase proportionally. Many questions continue to swirl around in my head including:  will this time be different? will I finally get some positive news? has my new treatment made any difference at all? have all these tests, overnight stays at the hospital been worth the effort? 

I really did not expect mental health to be such a key factor in my cancer journey when this all started, but after you are diagnosed with cancer, your emotions run wild and are easily intensified. As Michelle mentioned in her blog post Our Life is a Rollercoaster, we have gone through every emotion imaginable from anger, frustration, fear, sadness, surprise, despair and hopefulness to just to name a few. The twists and turns of a cancer journey make life a living drama. It is not a ride we asked to be on but we are buckled in for the long haul and are ready to face all ups and downs and twists and turns that cancer brings our way. 

The stakes of these particular CT scan results are really high this time around because they will indicate whether or not  my treatment is making a difference. It will also indicate continuation or perhaps topping of my trial.  The CT scan review meeting with my oncologist is already set for early next week so at least I will not have a long wait to know. This is a small comfort because the emotions and worry set in during this waiting period for all.

Our hope is that this treatment is actually making a difference and that I am slowing down the spread and growth of my active tumours. This was the hopeful outcome of joining this trial in the first place and this is the message we hope to receive next week at the post CT scan meeting. I think that we deserve it. After several disappointing CT scan outcomes we are due for a positive one this time around. I have been following every protocol and attending every procedure, appointment and treatment without fail. We must reap the rewards of this commitment at some point, right?

Regardless of the outcome of the meeting next week, we will not give up! Giving up means admitting defeat and that is something I/we just can't do. I will do whatever it takes to keep moving forward, to keep as healthy as possible and to live my life with my family and friends. If this trial, is not working we will look for another one. There is always hope, there is always a possibility and least that is the the way we see it. 

Like the instructions during the CT Scan..... we need to take a deep breath in, hold it, hold it, hold it and then breathe out, while we wait.

" When you have exhausted all possibilities remember this, you haven't." ~ Thomas Edison

Richard

Not Playing the Waiting Game!

I was going to call this week's blog, The Waiting Game, mostly because that is what our/my life seems to be right now, a never ending waiting game! Waiting for test results, waiting for next steps in my treatment and waiting for this lockdown to be lifted so life can return to some sort of 'the new normal'. Most of all we are waiting to check off more of our family bucket list items that are currently on hold. I guess we are all experiencing our own personal waiting game. This week, when I was discussing possible blog topics and titles with Michelle, like we do most weeks, she quickly pointed out that despite the waiting game that we are on, life still goes on, and despite cancer touching our lives, we've all made conscious efforts not to wait and to keep moving forward.

She reminded me that we really do have so much to celebrate and be thankful for, even during these dark times. While we feel like we are 'stuck in neutral' , life continues on for better or worse. She was quick to remind me of all the "better" moments that have been happening in our family's life over the past few weeks and months. It really helped to refocus my thoughts and reflect on some of the good milestones and positives. Sometimes we can get lost in a never ending cycle of negativity and disappointments, focused on cancer and treatments, and waiting for the next best thing, or any thing really, to happen. So with this in mind, and with a refocused attitude, I have to share that we actually have been doing more and we are not always playing a waiting game!

Over the past few weeks we have many instances to celebrate and be thankful for the blessings that have come our way. Michelle just accepted a new global role with her company.  She has worked hard for this and we are so very proud of her and I am so glad I am here to share it with her. Despite our personal family obstacles and support she gives me, she has remained strong and continues to be focused on loving us but also providing excellence in her career.  It's not easy and I know how worried she is about everything, but she keeps going.  Jonathan has completed his university degree and is exploring a variety of options that will use his skills and talents. He recently has been doing some stock footage/time lapse 4K video and posting it for sale.  Not easy to keep moving forward, when much of the film industry has slowed, and just when you are trying to launch.  Josh continues to move ahead in his job and at the same time he is exploring further post university studies. Not easy to keep working and advancing during a pandemic and we are so proud of him.  Sophie, our youngest, is a candidate to graduate with distinction from Queens, and has just completed her application to a Masters program. Her little sticker shop "Opal and Fern" just celebrated its first anniversary and has generated over two thousand item sales in its first year. An amazing achievement. Not easy to keep excelling at university and launching a business, when I know how worried she is about me, when she should be just enjoying her university years, but she keeps on reaching and we are so proud.  Even I have kept moving forward.  On a personal note, I supported a colleague in writing an article for the Canadian Association of Principals journal focused on leadership during the pandemic, was named as an author and it was published this month. This is one more  bucket item that I can cross off the list!  

Other positives include the health of my family remains good (except for me of course). We are generally happy and are managing/coping pretty well during this pandemic. Despite the constraints, we seem to be navigating it pretty well (even with five adults under one roof) at least from my point of view. Our little Lily continues to be the bright light for all of us and we just adore her. What a wonderful addition to our family.  

Michelle is right, we aren't  stuck in neutral, life goes on, we go on, and we need to appreciate these moments, the effort and celebrate all along the way!

No more waiting!

Richard