A Big Grey Cloud.... Here Comes the Sun!

This week's blog is transcribed by Joshua (thanks Joshua!) and Richard.

It is so nice to have your many visits to look forward to, to lift my spirits and change my attitude for the day. Instead of falling deeper into the doldrums  I am able to pull myself up and see the positivity around me.  Truly, connecting with you, helps me a great deal.  I love to talk to you about so many things, my health yes, but also the many great memories we share together in teaching, administration, and life here in Newmarket.

This week has been quite manageable for me health wise.  The routines are now setting in and we are feeling a better flow of the day. I have nursing visits twice a day, the pain pump is working well, and I seem to be tolerating the IV fluids and the steroids.  Although there are still ups and downs, being at home will always be better than being in the hospital.  My hope is that we will continue on this positive trend and I will be able to do a few more things.  Believe it or not, I am looking forward to running errands and getting out of the house for a change in scenery.  If things continue to stabilize, something I am really looking forward to is going to Kingston to visit some long time friends and family.  I know this might be a long shot, but we are talking about how we can make this happen.

In the meantime, we are taking it one day at a time and facing the obstacles as they come and hoping for many more days. 

I haven't felt much like listening to music up until now, but have recently been listening to some old Beatles tunes.  This one by the George Harrison keeps running around in my head and really seems to resonate with me:

"Here comes the sun do, do, do, do

Here comes the sun,  

And I say - it's all right" - The Beatles/George Harrison

Sometimes you just have to gather your own sunshine!

Thank you for reading and participating in my journey,

Back to you Michelle! Next week it's your turn.

Richard

Ups & Downs

Prior to meeting your oncologist at the cancer centre, you are asked to fill out a quick online survey each time you visit. The survey was created by Cancer Care Ontario and it asks you a series of questions. They include questions about pain, tiredness, drowsiness, nausea, appetite, shortness of breath, depression, anxiety and wellbeing. The survey is written using a Likert scale with rating from 0 to 10. They track your answers over time to see if there are any significant changes in each of the categories.  I assume that the health professionals use the data to monitor your health and wellbeing during your treatments.

Two of the questions that are asked, surprised me. They were the questions about your current level of anxiety and another question asking about your level of depression. When I first began to complete these surveys,  I questioned why they would include them. I have cancer, not anxiety or depression. I began to realize their importance after my second round of chemo.

The Canadian Cancer Society points out, that both the patient and his/her family can, and most likely will go through a series of emotions which can including: shock, fear, denial, anger, guilt, anxiety/stress, loneliness/isolation, sadness, depression and hope. I must say that I have experienced most of these emotions over the last few months.

Levels of anxiety and depression do change over time during treatments. I find (and my family finds) that my level of depressive thoughts significantly increases after my round of chemotherapy (especially the three days following the removal of my chemo bottle).  It also has increased after each round of chemo. I am beginning to wonder if it has something to do with my treatments and the fact that they continue to penetrate my whole body system for extended periods of time.

Despite trying to remain positive, negative thoughts do enter your mind and cause moments of despair. I guess that this is something that should be expected. Even the most positive person has moments of despair. I have previously talked about ways that help me to deal with these emotions including: my family, friends, music, nature and laughter.

Other ways that I am trying to add to my emotional toolkit are; mindfulness exercises and positive affirmations. At times, SWEARING helps too! Those that know me, know that I'm not really the swearing type but I must say that since my diagnosis I have said "F#*K cancer!" more than a few times (usually in my head but occasionally it has slipped out loud). Believe it or not, it does have a short term, immediate positive effect. It seems to release some of my built up stress!

Anxiety can also build over time. The fear of the unknown. What will happen next? Is the treatment making any difference at all? These are all questions that come to the surface periodically. This can cause anxious moments.

My biggest concern at the moment is how to support my family and their emotions, while trying to deal with my own emotions at the same time? We all have our up & down moments in any given day. We are working through these emotions one day at a time and trying to push the positive thoughts to the surface more often than the negative.

Trying to stay positive!

Richard