Dazed, confused, moody (and running a bit late)

This blog was co written with the support of my Michelle.

The last two weeks I've been experiencing some side effects to my comfort treatments including feeling a bit dazed, confused and moody.  I do blame the drugs for this, however regardless of the reason, it has been impacting my ability to communicate.   I mix up passwords for social media, I get mixed up on the days sometimes, and well, yes I am having mood swings.

What do I mean by dazed, confused and moody?

Dazed? I feel a bit as if I am in a fog and have  trouble concentrating most of the time.  In a daze, is the best way I can describe how I feel.

Confused? I mix up my numbers and letters and get really frustrated with social media and with auto correct, it is a constant battle to get things typed out!  I forget what day it is - but I think that is somewhat normal given COVID and end of summer .  I do get frustrated with my confusion and as a result you will find I'm not on social media as often as usual.  My apologies if you got a mixed up message from me - I blame it on the autocorrect lol!  You will also notice that lately my blogs have been co written by the support of my family- it's easier for me to tell them what to write, and they type it out.

Moody?  Who can blame me for being moody, but it is hard to keep the filter on and sometimes I am lashing out a bit.  I feel it happening and I do feel it is related to the drugs.  I have heard of something called steroid rage, while I am not in a rage, I do feel that the steroids that help me in so many ways, are also causing the mood swings.  So you have to balance, or give and take, the benefit with the down side of the drug.  The benefits are it gives me an appetite, helps with my energy level and strength, but we have the mood swings.  Luckily they have a pill for that too - but it shows that often taking one medicine, leads you to take another to deal with the side effect and so on and so on.  Hopefully things will start to even out for me soon.  I am thankful I have such an understanding and forgiving family.  Love them!  

And running a bit late?  Well my apologies to you all!   I like to post these blogs on Fridays, but I was able to make it to the Maroon 5 concert on Thursday evening, and it really knocked me out of commission for Friday and I needed the time to rest.  It was a fabulous evening and I a glad I pushed myself to go.  However it also really opened my eyes and that of my family, in terms of accessibility.  We took my wheelchair, it was quite a road trip.   More on this next week!

Wishing you clear thoughts, productive days and positive moods!

Wishing all my education colleagues and those heading back to school next week, all the best!  I will be thinking of you while sipping my coffee on the deck!

Richard

When In Sickness and in Health, Really Matters

In sickness and in health really does say it all! Michelle has fulfilled this marriage vow every step of the way along this life journey we are on. She is the one person who and has been there with me from day one. When we were challenged and moving from good health and life plans, to facing symptoms, all the scans and tests, the big "c" diagnosis,  the radiation, cycles of chemo,  up to my current clinical trial participation, she has been there for me in every possible way. As I wrote in My Michelle, she is the most important person in my life.  

Luckily my current level of care can best be described as minimal in terms of the physical needs as I am fully able to function and support myself in most areas. At least for now anyways! But a burden of care is not just care of sickness and nursing and medicine, it's all the other stuff, the living, the worrying, the supporting of me and our children, and the coping too. Michelle, has been there to provide my with much needed emotional support. This is an area that medicine & treatments can't address. She checks in on me throughout the day to see how I am doing and always tries to lift my spirits. One positive of the COVID pandemic is that she has been able to work from home 100%, so we are always home together.  I know how difficult it must be to remain positive herself, to have high spirits all the time and keep our family going in the right direction. It is a constant worry for her. I know that she often feels helpless and perhaps feels that there is really nothing she can do, but she is doing more than she knows. It means the world to me to have her by my side and to know that she is there for our children. She tries her best to ensure that I am comfortable by providing me with anything that I may need or want (she bakes great pies, LOL!). She is simple amazing! I am not sure how she keeps it all going really.

She is my champion, my advocate and my number one cheerleader. I know that this is not an easy thing to do when your own emotional state must be verging on despair at times.  I know that she is secretly researching and reviewing other trials and treatments in hopes of finding a new path forward that may lead to some more positive results.  Michelle does this work unselfishly (while maybe selfishly hoping for more time). She does it with love, care and compassion. I recognize the toll that this is all taking on her. 

Who cares for the caregivers?

Being a caregiver to a cancer patient is not a 9-5 job. It is 24/7, day and night job. There is no rest or respite for caregivers. This is a role that they did not ask for or ever wanted,  but regardless they take on this almost invisible role with determination and with a sense of purpose. Michelle does this each day with care and compassion.  I try not to be a burden for her and hope that she realizes how much she means to me. Michelle thank goodness I have you in my life.  

It hits me, this is when in sickness and health, really tests you, and really matters.

All my love to you Michelle X0X0

Richard

Health Update: I have now graduated from the 18th floor- Clinical trials space to the Chemo "Daycare" for treatment on the 4th floor at the hospital. Who would have thought that I would be in daycare at my age! LOL. I actually wish that I did not have to move floors! The 18th floor, although busy was nothing like my experience on the 4th floor this week. As always, I continue to be shocked by how many people are dealing with cancer and cancer treatments.  There are so many people and treatments underway, that  you have to take a number and then wait in a large, busy, socially distanced waiting room to be called to let you know which location to go to when it is your turn for treatment. I had to wait 2 hours past my appointment start time before a chair became available. I have been told that there are over one hundred chemo chairs on the floor and they are divided into stations or centres by colour. I was in the purple suite this week. Your actual chemo chair space is not much bigger than a small closet. You can forget about privacy. You are in close proximity to others that is for sure. Thank goodness for my headphones and laptop to keep me distracted and entertained, and what did we do before cell phones and texting to keep in touch.  But truly, I am  thankful that there is a chair and a space for me!

I Want to Break Free!

Another week in lockdown. Another week with 'stay at home' orders in effect, meaning a continuation of minimal human contacts, lack of varied, rich life experiences and the continuation of our perpetual Groundhog Day, as Michelle highlighted in last week's blog post. To add to the misery we are in the middle of January with cold days, a lack of sustained sunshine and the 'winter blahs' in full effect. 

I must admit that I am going a bit stir crazy! I'm starting to get cabin fever. Basically we are spending all of our time at home, only going out for the occasional walk or going to get groceries. Who would have thought that driving to the grocery store would be the highlight of the day! Not me, that's for sure. On the positive side-- we are saving on gas! 

I love my family and the time we are able to spend together, but I also miss meeting up with and talking with my friends, colleagues face to face! I miss going out to a restaurant, to a movie, to a Leafs game or even walking the halls of our local mall.  I was never much of a mall shopper and while online shopping is great, it just doesn't have the same appeal. I'm sure we all feel the same way. I'm happy that I decided to return to work part time as a principal in elementary virtual learning. This has given me some much needed daily variety, an opportunity to meaningfully contribute and support my fellow educators during these challenging times.  I often find that when you help out others you also have the benefit of helping yourself!  This activity has helped me to successfully survive these long winter days and keeps me busy and mentally engaged. It helps to fill my day with purpose. 

I have to admit that I think that this isolation is beginning to have an impact on my personal mental health and well-being. Staying positive at times, is becoming more and more difficult.  I am thankful that I am still healthy and able to engage in life fully (from the comfort of my home anyway lol) but I am angry that this pandemic may be robbing me of the adventures that are not possible at this time. My worry is that I will begin to deteriorate prior to the re-opening up of our society and I will have lost the chance to complete some of my bucket list items with my family. I want to travel, I want to be with my other family and friends as much as possible. I want to eat out, go to the theatre and go to a cottage or resort.   My time is limited and time is slipping away. When will this end!

Unfortunately there is nothing that I/we can really do about it. It is what it is. We need to make the best if it.  I continue to use all of my strategies to remain mentally healthy, stay positive and remain hopeful. Some days are easier than others. I know that there are others out there that have bigger struggles then me. How are they coping at this time? Thank goodness I have Michelle and my children to help me through these difficult times. I am so blessed. I try to reach out to others that I know that don't necessarily have the same support systems that I have. I encourage you to reach out to those in your life that you know may not have support and may need your help. Check in on them, reach out to offer them support as best as you can. We all need to help each other out during these difficult times. 

I also want to take this time to say thank you to all of you that continue to reach out to my family and I! It means a great deal to me. 

Trying to stay positive! 

We can get through this. We can!

Richard

Let the countdown begin!

Each passing day gets us one step closer to the holidays. I don't know about you, but I am really looking forward to spending some quality time with my family. Although we are currently spending each day together at home doing virtual learning and virtual working, we surprisingly don't really have that much time to actually sit with each other and enjoy each other's company. Michelle and I have our morning coffees together, then head off to our home offices to begin working. She goes to her office and I set up my office in the kitchen lol! All our children are busy with virtual classes, work etc. too. We do get a few hours together at the end of each day but really not that much time after making dinner and cleaning up. I don't know about you, but we get very sleepy at around 8 p.m. these days! It could be the early sunsets or that winter is now officially arrived, but we are going to bed earlier and earlier these days.

I am happy to announce that we are almost done with the Christmas decorating, our trees are up and our Christmas gift shopping list is almost complete. This weekend is Christmas cookie baking time. Can't wait to dig into the wide selection of delicious cookies that Michelle always makes for us and our family. I am so surprised that the kids notice all the traditions and special routines we have at Christmas. This year we tried to scale back the 'two Christmas tree' tradition. The kids were having none of it! Once again the Erdmann's have two real trees up and decorated.  Oh well, maybe next year.  

                     

I feel so fortunate to be able to celebrate the holidays once again with my family. It really wasn't certain that I would be here to celebrate the holidays again this year based on the my oncologists projections. I am glad I am still here beating the odds! Even though we can't visit our extended family this year, we will do some virtual visits online. Not the same, but we are glad that we at least have this option to connect. Family is so important.

I must say that treatment doesn't stop for the holidays! Chemotherapy continues for me even during these special times. I will be spending New Year's Eve day in the chemo suite! I guess there will be no wild partying at the Erdmann household this New Year's Eve! Raise a glass for us when you celebrate the start of 2021. Hopefully this new year will be more 'normal' for all of us.

Cheers!

Richard

Thursdays!

Today is Thursday, which means it is chemo day! Every other Thursday, I make the short trip to my local hospital to get my bi-weekly chemo infusions. This morning while savouring my first morning cup of coffee and prior to my morning appointment, Michelle asked me how I was feeling today.  I told her I felt pretty good, definitely at least an 8/10.  Michelle asked me if I ever resented having to go for chemo? Does it bother me or am I worried or dreading chemo days. My response was rather quick, and I told her that I did not resent it at all. This may not be totally honest.....

I must say that these bi-weekly treatments have really become rather routine now. It is really just a part of my life and there is not much that I can do to change that. I don't really have any other options at this time. I have come to accept it. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely better things that I could and would be doing with my time if it was an option. I must say that it is really a small price to pay to hopefully prolong my life as long as humanly possible. So far it has kept me fairly healthy and able to fully function in all of aspects of daily life. My hope is it will stay that way for a long time to come.

This round of chemo, which is my third line of treatment, takes approximately 3.5 hours to complete. I usually use this time to take out my laptop and write my weekly blog post (like I am doing today). At other times, I scroll my social media feeds or do some other work. Thankfully the hospital now has free internet for cancer patients. Distracting myself and keeping busy helps to make the time go faster. I also bring along my headphones and use them to play music during my stay. This helps to drown out the conversations, beeps, rings (that seem to be going off constantly) and discussions happening all around me. I must say that there really isn't much privacy in a chemo suite. There are six chairs per chemo pod and they are relatively close in proximity and only separated by curtains, which are not even closed most of the time.  

I do notice that on 'chemo days' my family and I seem a little more apprehensive and somewhat melancholy. We all seem a little more subdued on chemo days. I guess this is because these days are a bi-weekly reminder that I have cancer and a reminder of the way it has changed all of our lives forever. I have even noticed our little Lily giving me a little more love and attention on chemo days.  How do they know that something is not just right?  

If Wednesdays are known as  'hump day' then Thursdays are known as  'chemo day' in the Erdmann household. I guess even though our family doesn't really look forward to chemo days all that much, another Thursday chemo day means more time together as a family and time to enjoy what life has to offer us all - Looking forward to many more Thursdays!

So reflecting back on that conversation this morning, today I do feel pretty good, I'm taking the opportunity to have chemo treatments as a good thing, having hope and grateful for so many things that I do have, and choosing not to be resentful and choosing to stay positive!

Richard

Holiday Traditions

This week's blog comes courtesy of My Michelle.

One of the big traditions in our house, like many of yours I am sure, is the setting up of the Christmas lights outdoors and on the house.  Our house is quite high, being a two story, so it has been very rare that we get up to the second floor or light the peaks.  I remember one year Richard and I thought we could do it - well we did, but let me tell you it was a lot like that Chevy Chase scene with a leaning ladder, a knot full of lights, and a few tempers might have flared as in the movie "Christmas Vacation"!  

This year the kids wanted to go all out and "deck the halls" so off we went to Canadian Tire and loaded up with a new colour scheme, new lights and the requisite extension cords.  Our son Josh was adamant he could get up the ladder to reach that second floor peak over the garage and the living room.  We had our hands full keeping Richard off the ladder.  There he was with his chemo "bottle buddy" infusing under his jacket, and right in there with the cords, lights and votes of confidence.  No way he was being left out of it!  I, of course was panicked that someone would fall, but gamely took my turn as one of the "spotters" on the ladder.  I have to say the guys did a fabulous job and the the lights were so beautiful under the snowy night sky this week.  There were no falls, just a sliver or two, so a good experience overall. Looking up at those peaks though, I'm thinking maybe those lights might end up staying up for a season or two!

I know that the kids will want me to start to get the other holiday decorations up this weekend.  It is always such a fun time to reminisce as we dig out all the old decorations, some we've had for years, some the kids made, some that were special gifts and many we have collected as we have travelled on various vacations around the world.  We  still have the original "Our First Christmas Together" ornament, as well as the ones that were given to us for "Baby's First Christmas".  So many memories of so many wonderful Christmases past.

Another tradition that our family is eagerly awaiting is the holiday baking.  Richard's appetite is hit and miss at times these days and I'm always looking to find "that thing" he loves and would enjoy.  He has put in his request for some of his favourites and I'll have to get going on all of this soon!  

I have to admit, I am not really in the Christmas spirit this year.  I am going through the motions:  I watch the movies, I help with the lights, I do the decorating, I plan for the baking.  This is a year unlike any other for so many of us.  Our traditions will be a little different, we may not be able to be under the same roof with all of our family and friends. We'll all just have to dig deep, no matter what our circumstances, and find a way to find the joy and enjoy the moments we have.

One thing I know for sure, is that this old house, sure will be looking good!

Wishing you joy,

Love Michelle

What's for Dinner?

I don't know about in your household, but at the Erdmann's, "What's for dinner?" is a daily question that we ask ourselves.  It seems to be a daily dilemma for our family. With five adults living under one roof, all with varying tastes, appetites, diets and opinions, it is a lingering question that takes some time to answer each day. Often we are left with 3 different opinions and find it difficult to come to some form of consensus. In this case we sometimes just give up and let everyone order their own take out to solve the problem. Our kids are "Uber Eats" specialists. I can't bring myself to use these food delivery services, I find them wasteful and too indulgent (although I must admit, we have asked our kids to order on our behalf a time or two!)

I wish someone would have told me that being an adult/parent meant that you are forever cursed with this daily dilemma. Deciding on and making dinner is a chore! Remembering to take some meat out of the freezer in the morning to give it time to defrost in time for dinner is a chore. Chopping up all the veggies for the meal is a chore. I can see why those meal preparation companies are doing so well. Sometimes you just don't feel like preparing or cooking a meal. 

Michelle and I are pretty easy going and would be happy with a bowl of soup, a sandwich or some cheese and crackers for dinner. Unfortunately our kids don't feel the same way. We are also happy to have leftovers for dinner which makes the decision easy for us, at least for one night. The problem, again is that our children don't like leftovers either. This really limits your options when you are trying to make everyone happy.

We've tried different strategies to share some of the "what's for dinner" angst with our kids - having each person responsible for a day of the week, having them help with menu planning, taking them to the grocery store to help stock the pantry to try and ward off the "there's nothing to eat in here".  While we love our snack foods as much as the next person, we really try to buy building blocks for meals, or ingredients, so it's true - there's not alot of prepared foods that you can just grab and zap!

The ''what's for dinner" dilemma is even more complicated now with my cancer diagnosis. Having esophageal cancer has limited my food options in varying degrees. In one of my earliest blog posts, Food, Glorious Food, I talked about how food impacts our lives in so many ways and how you should not take eating for granted. I am once again beginning to struggle with some of my favourite foods. No more steak, roast beef and even sometimes chicken (depending on how it is cooked) for me. I do miss a deliciously cooked steak. Sometimes I cut off a very small piece and savour the flavours.  I find that cutting up my meats into smaller pieces for chewing helps. Sometimes, my hiccups remind me to slow down. Often it is Sophie reminding me to take my time or to cut smaller pieces, as old habits die hard. I have always been a fast eater. I guess it comes from being an educator and school administrator, always eating on the run, living by the school bell. 

My family has encouraged me to start drinking protein supplement drinks again to ensure that I am getting enough protein and vitamins in my diet. I must say that they bring back very bad memories! I have been avoiding them. When I was on a liquid only diet in the early days of coping with the effects of my disease, these drinks were my main source of food, along with pureed foods and soups. I really hope I don't return to those days again. I still avoid most soups and don't really enjoy them the way I used to anymore. 

I don't think that we will ever solve the "What's for dinner" dilemma in our household. You may have a similar problem in your house. I am fortunate we have some good cooks in the family, so once we do decide, it's usually very good!  It's just coming up with the ideas that is getting kind of "old".  Tips and suggestions are always welcome. 

What are you having for dinner tonight?  

Please just don't say ...."Soup's on!". LOL

Richard

Green Thumb Distraction

One of the ways that we have been keeping ourselves busy and distracting ourselves from our current 'situation' is through gardening. Michelle and I have always loved to garden. We have spent many years collecting, purchasing and dividing our perennials to create gardens around the house. We have been fortunate to have participated in a few perennial swaps over the years too, so for the most part we have not had to purchase many of our plants in our gardens. This is great news as we have alot of gardens throughout our property. Perennials are definitely the way to go. We both take great pride in making sure our backyard gardens look good at all times. This can  be somewhat time consuming but we have never regretted our time spent planting, weeding, watering or admiring the results of a day's work.

We love our trips to the local nurseries to check out the latest plants available. Each spring we make our annual trek to a variety of local nurseries to check out the beautiful blooms and backyard oasis products. We could spend a day and a fortune in them. Luckily we have good self control (for the most part) and usually leave with only the items we were coming in for in the first place (but not always)!

Gardening is a great distraction from life. You focus all of your attention on nurturing the soil, arranging the plants, caring for them and watching them grow and change throughout the year. This takes you away from your everyday worries. It becomes a daily task to keep on top of it all. It is great to see that when you select a good variety of flowers and plants to place in your garden, you will have a variety of blooms throughout the seasons. That is the goal, having a forever blooming garden. 

This year our vegetable garden has never been better. Last summer I built Michelle a three tiered container garden and she has filled it to the brim!  With themes for each section of course 

- salsa garden, herb garden, and a variety of different lettuces patch.  We were lucky enough to get our veggie plants early (as it seems that many people decided to take up the 'garden hobby' this year during our time spent social distancing). Our middle son Josh also got into the action, starting some of our plants from seed and contributing jalapeno peppers, romaine lettuce and basil.  I must say that there is nothing better than picking your own fresh tomatoes, peppers, onions or lettuce straight from your garden and making a wonderful meal with them, sort of like our own mini farm to table! Talk about fresh from the garden. Our oldest son Jon, thinks our vegetable garden should be bigger and we should be more sustainable, but our little "victory garden" is all we can handle at this time!

We have come to peace with sharing our veggie garden with a variety of little critters that help themselves to the lettuce and cherry tomatoes on occasion. Can you believe this! As I sit here in my lounge chair by the pool writing this blog post, a squirrel has just ran by me with a large green tomato in his mouth. I kid you not! If only they could help weed once in awhile!

Gardening takes patience and effort. The constant watering and weeding are endless. I swear that some of the weeds grow back before we have even finished the loop around the garden. In the hot, hazy days of summer, it seems that the weeds are the only plants that are flourishing. At one point this summer our grass was almost completely brown with small green patches (of weeds) growing sporadically throughout.  The darn things!  I must say that there are few things more satisfying when gardening then surveying your work when the weeding is done!

As a family project this summer, we have decided to create some stepping stones for our garden pathway. When the kids were small, given I was off in the summers, I would come up with a summer art project to help spark their creativity and help to keep them busy for a few days. When they were younger, we made mosaic tile art. This year, Sophie suggested that we return to this form of art and create mosaic tile stepping stones for the garden. Surprisingly, the boys were also game!  We have all the supplies ready to go. Our hope is to get them done over the next two weeks and before Sophie goes back to university this fall. They will make a great addition to our garden and will be a lasting memory for us all.

Whatever you are going through in your own life, might I suggest that you consider gardening as a therapeutic, natural way to deal with your stresses and anxieties. Trust me, you will not regret it. And if you don't have a green thumb, start small. Plant some hardy perennials like hostas in your outdoor garden (trust me, you can't kill hostas)! It has helped us to deal with our daily emotions, has given us a beautiful backyard view to admire each day, just a great place to start the day.

Happy gardening, we'll keep going with the never ending challenge of the weeds and the tug-of-war for the tomatoes with the squirrels!

Richard

 

Standing Tall Through it All

This week's blog comes courtesy of My Michelle.

We have thankfully approached that one year marker of Richard's diagnosis of stage IV esophageal cancer. I say thankfully, because the odds were against us and all evidence was pointing unbelievably, to a different outcome.  I often get asked "I don't know how you do it?".  Well the truth is, we really don't have much of a choice.  To give Richard the best possible chance, and the best quality of life, we have a chemo treatment plan, we have a follow up and testing plan, we have the excellent care of a health care team who are determined to help us get through it all.  Where we do have choice, is how we think, how we feel, how we treat one another, keeping connected with family and friends, and choosing to "stand tall through it all".

Standing tall, is not a new concept for our family.  It has been a value we have tried to instil in our children - encouraging them to stand up for what they believe in, make their decisions and then stand behind them, always be proud of who they are and to hold their head high.  

In a literal sense, it was one of the things that first drew me to Richard.  Richard always has stood tall, with a great sense of posture, always standing up for what and for those he believes in, always proud of who he is and our family. Richard has stood tall during his career in education, with his peers, his students and their families.

Richard has also approached his cancer journey, standing tall.  As his wife, it is one of the most difficult things to watch him go for treatments, supporting him, but not able to make it go away.  It has been worse with COVID 19 restrictions, where I can't even go into the treatments with him or sit by him in the chemo suite to keep him company.  I drive him to and from every treatment, make sure he is as comfortable as possible, that our bedding is changed and ready for his nap when he gets home (nothing is better than fresh sheets and blankets!), and that our home "sparkles and shines" and is as germ free as possible. He always walks into the hospital with his head high, his backpack confidently on one shoulder, and with purpose in his step.   I try to be strong, be his advocate and his comfort when he needs it.  I don't always stand tall, but I try.  I am a migraine sufferer and have found that I've had a few more than normal over this past year.  On one particular day when it was particularly bad, our kids said to me "Mom, you can't get sick.  If you go down, we all go down."  Certainly, more than ever I feel the need to stand tall and be strong, our family depends upon it.

I know we (and I) don't always have to be strong, that it's okay to give in and have a good cry, to reach out to others for a helping hand, and in fact it is healthy and necessary to do so!  Asking for help, and accepting help, helps us all "Stand Tall" and also gives a chance to others to share the load, and we can maybe "Stand Tall" together.

Proud to Stand Tall through it all and together, with you,

Love Michelle

  

A Blessing and a Curse

This week has been both a blessing and a curse for me and my family.

The rollercoaster ride that cancer can take you on is always mixed with both positive and negative news. There are ups and downs, highs and lows and sometimes you can experience both in the very same day! Small victories and minor defeats are part of life as a patient with cancer, especially a stage 4 cancer patient. As a family we try to celebrate the victories and downplay the defeats. We pray for as many small victories along the way as possible. We are thankful that we have had a few!

This week we experienced both a small blessing (at least we think it is) and a minor curse (hopefully). In a previous blog I mentioned that my medical team has been monitoring a small tumour in my brain that they were unsure of whether or not was cancerous.  Last week I had my next scheduled MRI followed by my consult with my radiation oncologist . I am pleased to report that they feel that this tumour is not cancerous. They will continue to monitor it but its a small victory! We take it when we can get it!

On the concerning side, my hiccups have returned and are becoming more frequent during eating. It is becoming difficult to eat tough meats like steak or well done meats. At the moment, I seem to be able to tolerate other meats but need to cut them into smaller pieces and eat them slowly. My years in education (both as a teacher and administrator) have trained me to eat fast (and usually on the go!). I have had to slowly retrain myself to slow down while eating. Still a work in progress according to my family. 

In my blog post Food, Glorious Food! I talk about how I had to change to a liquid only diet. Let me tell you that this is something that I hope I don't have to return to. A liquid only diet is not something that I would wish on anyone. Don't get me wrong, I will struggle through it if I have to.

When I start to hiccup at the dinner table or have difficulty eating, you can see the look of concern on the faces of my family members. This is probably due to the fact that it reminds us all of how my cancer journey began and what it has taken away from our lives already. My hope is that this is only a small set back. Only time will tell what is in store for me regarding food. In the meantime, we will consider this a minor curse and hope for the best. I will continue to eat all my favourite food (minus the well done steak) until the point where this may not be possible.

I encourage you to savour the flavours of your favourite foods (don't take them for granted) and enjoy the social interactions that eating together with others (family & friends) provides. Celebrate your blessings, no matter how small, and don't forget to enjoy your steak (LOL).

Richard

Our Photographer

This week's blog is courtesy of My Michelle .

Our home is filled with photographs.  Some are framed and covering most of the available table tops and walls.  Some are in boxes and stored on shelves, in drawers and under dressers.  Lots are on hard drives and stored electronically.  Many are school age photos of our kids, the trusty photo shoots from Sears, proud memories of proms and graduations (our own and our kids), birthdays, anniversaries and family holiday times together. Images that chronicle important events and candid moments in our lives together.

And then you come up the stairs and turn the corner and you see a collection of a different kind, a gallery sampling of some fine quality photography - mainly wildlife, flowers and birds, taken by Richard.   His other personal favourite images to post are "food", and he has been known for posting on facebook some of the more grand Sunday roast dinners and various baking challenges we've might have gotten up to over the years - and there were many!  He actively posts his images on various social and photo club platforms, some have over 30,000 views. Many are very, very good.  I've encouraged him to sell some of the images, but he is reluctant to do so, and I always wondered why.

I myself am not much of a photographer- I'll take a selfie now and again, capture a moment on my phone of something that takes my eye, but generally that job has fallen to Richard to capture the special family moments and memories.  A role not limited only for our immediate family, but our extended family as well.  We  often tease him, our personal papparazzi, as he was always snapping photos, taking so many, to get that perfect one!  But as life goes, and with so much having changed, people who have left us, looking back through all of the images, we are all so glad we have them, and importantly, that he took them.  

Now the challenge with always being the photographer, is you are behind the camera and not as often in front of the camera. So as much as you are a part of the event, with the eye of an artist,  knowing the people so well, and in that quest to capture the perfect moment, he's not always in the photograph! Richard invested in a tripod with a remote control so in recent times, we were able to get all of us in a number of shots, or we would take turns taking the snaps.

I have always been a little cavalier about photos, happy to have them after they are done, glad I bought all of those Sears portfolios of the kids (I was always a sucker to buy the whole thing!), grateful to have them all and the meaning of life they truly represent.   I've never been a person to create reams of photo albums, or scrapbooks, was always too busy or had other things to do.  As organized and a planner as Richard is, surprisingly he didn't push for this either.  But now we plan to go through those boxes and get things in order, print off some of our favourites that currently exist in the digital world, and give some away to others who may enjoy them and take comfort in "remembering when"

Now I get it, especially as you face how fleeting and fragile life can be, the value of capturing those photos. I am so glad he did.  I also get why he doesn't want to sell some of his more artistic ones.   They are a part of him, the things he saw that had some beauty or interest to him personally, something that spoke to him.

Keeping his love in our photographs, my photographer.  

             

Richard's Flickr Photo Gallery

Love, Michelle

Gone Fishin'

This week we had the good fortune to be able to get away for a few days to a cottage on Lake Musoka in Gravehurst, Ontario. It was a glorious few days up in beautiful cottage country. I had forgotten how majestic it was up in Musoka. A true Canadian paradise. This was all made possible thanks to the generosity of a work friend and her family who graciously let us stay at her family cottage. This was my week off of chemotherapy and we took advantage of the time off and freedom, to get away. This cottage trip was a wonderful reprieve from our everyday routines and weekly appointments and provided us with a glorious, picturesque location (as we have not been venturing out much these days) to rest, relax and enjoy family time together. We all seemed to enjoy the serenity, the quiet and the chance to be one with nature again. Nothing makes you slow down and count your blessing like a trip to the cottage.

One of the highlights of the trip was the fishing! When I was younger my family owned a cottage and we spent most of my summers there and I used to go fishing almost everyday. I loved to troll the shores of the lake for bass, pike and perch. It was a great lake to catch fish. They always seemed to be biting. My parents sold the cottage when I was in my early twenties. At the time, I was focused on my new life and didn't visit the cottage that often. It was becoming too much for my parents to handle, so they sold it. I have always regretted it. Once we moved to York Region my opportunity to go fishing diminished considerably. I have not really gone fishing in a boat since 2012. Thanks to my wonderful work friends, they arranged for Jon, Josh and I to have a guided fishing excursion on Lake Muskoka (the girls opted to lounge on the deck, lakeside). Our guide Mike took us on his professional fishing boat to all the great fishing spots on the lake. I even bought a new fishing rod, reel and tackle box full of new lures. I always wanted to take the boys fishing and this was my chance. We had a great morning of fishing and caught a variety of fish including walleye, bass, pike and perch. So glad they were biting that morning. Nothing better than that feeling when a fish takes your bait- fish on! As you

can see from the smiles on their faces, I think the boys had a good time! We caught enough for a great fish fry. The girls meanwhile enjoyed their time on the dock, reading and relaxing with their morning coffee- and there may have been a trip into town.

We also enjoyed a quick trip into Gravenhurst later that day to do a bit of sightseeing and shopping too. In the evening, we made a reservation on the patio at a local restaurant and had a wonderful dinner on the patio with all five of us. It just doesn't get any better than that. Although the time in Muskoka was short, we made the most of it and enjoyed every minute.

You might be asking at this point, what does this have to do with cancer. I might have asked the same thing reading this blog. The answer is absolutely nothing! Sometimes you just want to forget about cancer (even just for a few days). This wonderful trip allowed my family to forget all about cancer, our medical issues and worries for just a few days and simply enjoy our beautiful country in all its natural glory and quiet time together with each other. What more can you ask for. Words can not express how much this time away meant to me personally and

how much I enjoyed our much needed quiet time together by the lake. We are already planning our next excursion for my next week off chemo in the middle of August. Hopefully it will include more chances to go fishing (and shopping :) ) too!

Life is better at the cottage!

Richard

Celebrating Fathers

Sunday is Father's Day. My children ask me every year, what I would like for a Father's Day gift. My usual response is "nothing" because I really have everything that I need or want. But this year is a little bit different, because what I really want is more time! I want more time to see them continue to mature into adulthood and beyond. I would like to be there to see them find a life partner, to hopefully have children of their own, and build on their career paths. They each have so much potential and unique talents. I know that they have exciting futures ahead of them. I really want to be apart of these milestone moments. I hope that cancer doesn't take all of them away from me and I can share in some still to come.

From the moment each of them came into Michelle and my lives, they changed our outlook and focus in life forever. As parents and as a father, you learn as you go. I am sure that we/I have made our fair share of mistakes along the way but based on the wonderful young adults that they have become, we couldn't have done that bad of a job raising them. We always tease Jonathan, that he taught us everything we needed to know about being a parent, and Josh and Sophie reaped the benefits! I hope that the many wonderful childhood memories that I hold dear in my heart are memories that they too will never forget. 

I have been so fortunate to be with all three of them for the entire summer each year. This is one of the blessings of having a career in teaching. This has meant that I have been able to be 'present' for them on weekends, holidays and all summer long. This is a special gift of time that I have been given. I can remember packing them all up in the wagon and making our way to the park each day. I can remember spreading the garden hose out on the lawn so that they could run through it on a hot day. Listening to them laugh and giggle and try to spray each other with the hose. Taking trips to the public library and signing out books for summer reading. Visiting the local wading pools to cool down prior to getting our own pool. Stopping for ice cream or a small box of Timbits during our travels. Going on day camp trips to various parks, zoos and outings. Watching them jump on the trampoline trying to do flips, playing a fierce game of badminton or croquet in the backyard. Licking popsicles on a humid day, watching them learn to do dives and grading their hand stands in the pool competitions, roasting marshmallows by the fire, making homemade pizzas on the bbq and sitting by the poolside fire at the end of a great day of swimming. "Dad, dad, dad - watch me!" And who can forget Soccerfest which always seem to land on Father's Day each year. These are just a few of our wonderful summer memories.

I can honestly say that being a father has been my greatest achievement in life. I am so fortunate to have three exceptional children (proud dad moment here). I am so very proud of the amazing adults they have become. Each of them have strong morals, determination and a kind heart. They have so much potential. Having the privilege to parent alongside Michelle, (who is an outstanding, dedicated mother) has been incredible. I could not have asked for a better life partner. We are not expert parents by any means, but we continue to dedicate our lives to guiding them and providing them with opportunities to succeed in life. We have really put a focus on them throughout our lives. We would not want it any other way.

I want to wish all fathers and father figures out there a Happy Father's Day. Well Done! 

"Of all the titles that I have been privileged to have, "Dad" has always been the best." ~ Ken Norton

Love you always Jon, Josh and Sophie!

Dad XOXO

Unsinkable! #Unsinkable

A big thank you to Unsinkable for sharing my story and my personal cancer blog!  You can find my article under the Neighbourhood Heroes section. The article is called Fighting Cancer with Positivity. Check it out if you get a chance.  

Thanks to all for following my journey!

Richard

Honouring Mothers

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I would like to use this week's blog post to pay tribute to all of the mothers out there with special mention to the three mothers below.

My own mother, Doreen has been gone now for 20 years (wow I can't believe that), but Michelle and I still think about her often. Around our house there are many mementoes and items that were once hers, from her best china set to little keepsake items and nicknacks. When I think of my mom, it brings a smile to my face. My mother could best be described as an opinionated woman. You definitely knew where you stood with her, and she would tell you. She was a very caring person towards others. She would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it. Her quick wit and her generosity are some of her lasting legacies. One of my regrets is that our three children did not get the chance to really get to know her more. She died a few months before Sophia was born. One thing I am sure of is that she would have spoiled them all rotten. Miss you so much mom!

My wife Michelle is a extremely devoted mother to our three children Jonathan, Joshua and Sophia. I must say that I could not have asked for a better person to fill these shoes. She is such a wonderful mother to them all. Michelle is simply amazing!  Michelle sacrifices her own needs and wants for her children. She is their number one advocate, supporter and champion. Don't mess with her kids! Michelle is the glue that binds our family together. She is the one that helps to calm nerves, mend fences and helps us to realize when we need to be sure to see another's perspective. I love you Michelle with all my heart. You are an amazing wife and mother.

My mother in law, Norma is another amazing mother. Over the years she has raised six children, supported thirteen grandchildren and 8 great grandchildren. I have always been impressed with her steadfast devotion for all of her children. Michelle has had a wonderful model to learn from, in her own mom. Norma is currently in long term care, in a nursing home and we are not able to visit her during this pandemic. We miss her dearly and can't wait for this to be over so we can visit her again. We miss you Norma!

A word of advice to all reading this blog, cherish your time with your mothers because you will truly miss them when they are gone. 

To all of the mothers out there, I salute you. I hope that you have a wonderful day tomorrow! 

Happy Mother's Day!

Richard

Home Movies - Treasuring the Moments

Like all of you, we are trying to find ways to fill our days now that we are basically sequestered at home for the foreseeable future. As I had previously mentioned in my post Spring Cleaning- Got Junk! , I have been slowly cleaning our basement, which has 20+ years of boxes and discarded items to go through. It has been an overwhelming, tedious task for sure, sorting and sifting through the boxes, bins and collections of stored items. A lifetime of memories are stored down there. It has resulted in some exciting discoveries. 

A few days ago, our son Jonathan came down to the basement to check on me as I have been trying to go downstairs for an hour our two each day to keep the cleaning momentum going (after taking a few weeks off). It has given me a purpose or job to do each day during these long days at home. Jon quickly noticed that I had uncovered one of my old video recorders, along with a box of video cassette tapes and even a collection of old film reels from my childhood. Jon, being a film affcionado and a lover of all things to do with movies and technology, immediately brought these items upstairs and was trying to figure out how to get them operational again. In no time, he had the video camera charging, figured out how to link it up to the flat screen and we were ready to go.

We decided to have a viewing party that night. Having not taken the time to label the video cassettes when I should have years ago, each cassette was a mystery tape. Child birth, birthday parties, christenings, family BBQ's, even surprise videos that my parents had taken on their trips and vacations that I have never seen before. What a discovery.

Our now adult children were mesmerized at seeing themselves as babies and during their toddler years. What a treasure it was to be able to show them what they were like back then. Michelle and I had almost forgotten their baby voices, their actions and reactions. It was great to see and hear them at this age again. Our kids couldn't get over how young Michelle and I looked- mind you, we think we hadn't changed at all (lol). In some of the videos, we were close to the same age as Jon is today. 

These videos took us back in time, so sad but also wonderful to see family that have now passed on, to re-live family celebrations, moments that were captured on video that might have been forgotten forever. It was wonderful to hear our children's voices, how they they giggled and spoke as young children and to hear the voices of those family members that had passed on or changed due to health. The videos also showed the little nuances and activities going on in the background.  Photographs could never capture those for us to remember. In this age of instant Snapchat photos and fifteen second phone video clips - home movies are a dying art!

I have to admit that I got very emotional watching these videos. Many of these videos had me choked up and almost in tears and Michelle had to leave the room. Not only because of the emotions of the memories that can flooding back to me while watching them but also because I began to think about the events and moments that I would not be a part of in the future. Cancer will eventually rob me of my chance to be apart of making memories with my family. I resent this. I have to admit that it makes me angry at times and melancholy too.

We are slowly working through the video cassette tapes, labelling them and hoping to hold video viewing parties every now and then. Next on the list is our wedding video and then going way back to the 8 mm movie reels so that our kids can see what life was like when dad was a baby. Luckily I also found the projector so that we can watch them too. Fingers crossed it still works.

I encourage you to dig up your old albums and home movies, spend some time looking through them. Set up a viewing party of your own. You will never regret the time you spend, the conversations that they ignite, the laughter and tears, the memories that come back to life before your eyes.  

Keep making memories, capturing & treasuring the moments.

Richard

Why am I still taking out the garbage?

Have you ever noticed that when you watch a movie or a t.v. show and the main character is given "just months to live", you see them jetting off to some far away, exotic location or they drop everything to fulfill their 'bucket/wish list' items. All of a sudden, they seem to live a carefree life with no responsibilities, expectations or commitments. They just blow their life savings in the process.

Why am I not jetting off to some far off location every other week? And why am I still taking out the garbage? 

Well, the reality is, for most of us with cancer, this is not an option. We have months of radiation and chemotherapy treatments, time needed to recover and concerns for infection. We have bills to pay, we have appointments to keep, we have other family members that have jobs, school, responsibilities and lives of their own too. We have daily tasks and chores that still need to get done.  We can't just jet off, as a family, and forget about everything else. It's not like the movies. Daily life must and should continue. This actually is what helps to keep us all sane. 

Daily life routines help to create a sense of normalcy in a time when life is anything but normal. Routines help us to fill our days and give us a sense of purpose (especially now that I am in retirement). Most of all, it helps to take our minds off of our 'situation' and find the strength to keep moving forward (who knew that taking out the garbage could do all this, lol).

Don't get me wrong, we do want to travel and explore. We are just trying to navigate the barriers in making this happen at this time now that my chemo is over and I am on maintenance.

Even if we wanted to go and explore all of our 'bucket list' locations, it is very difficult to secure travel insurance when you have a terminal illness. We would also need to schedule the trip between appointments. With the coronavirus concerns at the moment, we are thinking that this is not the best time to travel abroad.

Our hope it to have a wonderful family vacation (within Canada) in the near future. We are sorting out the time,  destination and working on logistics, but it will happen! We deserve it and really need something to look forward to as a family. 

So believe it or not, taking out the garbage, loading the dishwasher, getting groceries and shovelling the snow, is all helping in some small way to keep us moving forward. Moving forward is the only way to go!

There are so many wonderful places to see and visit right here in Canada. There are still a few places that we have not had the opportunity to explore. 

And besides, there is no place like home! 

Richard