Tired!

The title says it all. I am tired. I am tired in so many ways. I am tired of this disease and the limitations that it is creating for me and my family. I am tired of the side effects that are slowly interfering with my life. I am tired of waiting for what is next. I am just plain tired - but I am not giving up.

I am definitely tired of this disease. It has and continues to take away so much from me and my family. We continue to live in a constant state of limbo, and cloud of stress. We can't really plan our future with any great detail or long term timelines. It is hard to live your life or move forward (with hopes and dreams) when you live bound by a four week cycle, and this has been compounded by COVID 19 and restrictions. With treatment needed weekly, you can't venture off too far from home.  With treatment needed weekly, it also takes a few days before I feel a little like doing anything.  With treatment in a four week cycle, it is also hard to plan too far into the future, when you don't know whether or not your decreasing health and well-being will get in the way.  At the moment we live in "Carpe Diem". We need to really seize each day as it comes.  We need to re-energize, and do things, but I am just tired.

I am also getting tired of my side effects from taking my medications. I really shouldn't complain because compared to most, I think that I have few major side effects, but they are beginning to wear me down. But maybe that's just a reflection of how I feel today, as I write this blog.  One new side effect I am experiencing this time around, is visible is hair loss. I am starting to lose my hair. I am not really a vain person but I have always kind of thought my hair wasn't too bad! Losing it is definitely disappointing and is really the first visual sign of my disease. It is coming out very slowly (which is good), but there is a steady stream of hair loss. With my new haircut, it is not really that noticeable (at least I think so) but I am definitely shedding! My scalp is itchy too and I am constantly touching my hair according to my family, which isn't helping the hair situation at all.

Another side effect is my fatigue. My new chemotherapy meds have definitely made me more tired and less energetic. I am taking more frequent naps during the day. I used to love taking an afternoon nap on the weekend but now my naps seem annoying and far too frequent. This fatigue also seems to be taking away some of my enthusiasm. I am at times less optimistic and hopeful. Hopefully this is just a short term issue. Maybe the tiredness is wearing me down and making me feel blue, but I am just tired. 

On the positive side, because I do believe there is a positive side in everything, in just a few short weeks I will reach the one year anniversary of having being told I have stage IV, esophageal cancer. Although this doesn't seem like something to celebrate, this is really an amazing feat. We are happy and thankful that I will most likely be able to reach this milestone (considering the fact that my doctor only give me three months to a year, if we were lucky). I am beating the average. I am an outlier! I can still enjoy most of what life can offer. This is what we had hoped for. This is a good thing!

I am just tired,  but I am just as determined.

Richard