A Room with a View: Looking out my Hospital Window

This blog post was written on Thursday, April 1st.

I am sitting here this morning, looking out my hospital room window, staring at all the office towers and city streets. They don't seem to have the usual hustle and bustle that they usually do. University Avenue or "Hospital Alley" as it is also known (due to the number of hospitals located in close proximity), is much busier than most of the other downtown streets I have passed this morning on my way to treatment. On University Avenue, a flurry of patients and healthcare workers are all making their way to their intended destinations: starting shifts, ending shifts, off to appointments and treatments. The lack of hustle and bustle in other parts of the downtown are not surprising given the fact that most people are working from home these days. The hospital and the streets near them however seem as busy as ever!  

I arrived this morning before 7 a.m. to have my blood work done and there were actually only three people waiting in line at the blood lab at that time of morning. This early morning appointment meant that I was in and out quite quickly! Now what to do? I still have to wait until at least nine o'clock before the transition of overnight patients leaving for the day and new patients arriving get to take their place. Luckily there is a Timmies on the main floor so coffee number two here I come! I am still very happy that they were able to arrange for an early morning, same day, blood lab appointment, which although it makes for a very long day, it frees me up from making another trip down to the hospital on the day before. Less travel, less parking, less reminders!

Due to COVID restrictions and protocols there are really no places to go downtown. Once you enter the hospital, and after your COVID screening, you aren't really supposed to leave the hospital again until you are done for the day. As time went on, the flow and pace of people arriving at the hospital started to increase, soon the 18th floor waiting room couches are full. I will be spending the next eight hours or so on the 18th floor, the cancer trial floor with lots of time to stare out my window. 

A room with a view:  what a view out my window! Being on the 18th floor gives you a great view of downtown TO. I am so lucky to have the window view this week. In the past, I have had the second bed closest the the hallway and spent many hours of the day staring at a wall, sink and door. Not much motivation or stimulation with that view! Having the window view gives me the chance to stare outside and see what others are up to, what is happening in the world around me. I'm sure that most are doing something more pleasant than me. As I look down below, I can see a city school with kids playing on the pavement, people walking their dogs, people jogging and others rushing to wherever they are off to. As I sit up in my hospital bed with lots of time to kill, I am forced to slow down (not really by choice LOL) but it does give me alone time to think and ponder. This is not always a good thing. When I keep busy, I have less time to think about my current state of affairs. I try not to think and ponder too much these days. Thinking sometimes takes me down a negative path and it is not the path that I want to be on. I don't want to get myself into a personal pity party. Luckily I have my laptop, phone and wifi access to distract me. It is unfortunate that these times mean I need to be at the appointments and treatments solo.  I appreciate keeping up the text conversations with Michelle, our kids, extended family and friends.  This helps the day go a little faster, keeps me distracted, and keeps them informed, as I know its hard for them to be away as well.  Luckily the treatments allow me to be able to drive and be independent. With COVID restrictions and the distances into Toronto from our home, otherwise this would be really tough.  It also means when the treatments are done - I am "out-ta here" ASAP, (well until I get stuck on the North DVP trying to get home).  Keeping busy, having my independence, helps me to avoid going down these pity paths. 

Looking out my window provides a wonderful distraction but at the same time provides a reminder that life goes on! I plan to enjoy life as much as possible for as long as possible. 

Enjoy the view wherever you are, I sure am!

Richard

I Want to Break Free!

Another week in lockdown. Another week with 'stay at home' orders in effect, meaning a continuation of minimal human contacts, lack of varied, rich life experiences and the continuation of our perpetual Groundhog Day, as Michelle highlighted in last week's blog post. To add to the misery we are in the middle of January with cold days, a lack of sustained sunshine and the 'winter blahs' in full effect. 

I must admit that I am going a bit stir crazy! I'm starting to get cabin fever. Basically we are spending all of our time at home, only going out for the occasional walk or going to get groceries. Who would have thought that driving to the grocery store would be the highlight of the day! Not me, that's for sure. On the positive side-- we are saving on gas! 

I love my family and the time we are able to spend together, but I also miss meeting up with and talking with my friends, colleagues face to face! I miss going out to a restaurant, to a movie, to a Leafs game or even walking the halls of our local mall.  I was never much of a mall shopper and while online shopping is great, it just doesn't have the same appeal. I'm sure we all feel the same way. I'm happy that I decided to return to work part time as a principal in elementary virtual learning. This has given me some much needed daily variety, an opportunity to meaningfully contribute and support my fellow educators during these challenging times.  I often find that when you help out others you also have the benefit of helping yourself!  This activity has helped me to successfully survive these long winter days and keeps me busy and mentally engaged. It helps to fill my day with purpose. 

I have to admit that I think that this isolation is beginning to have an impact on my personal mental health and well-being. Staying positive at times, is becoming more and more difficult.  I am thankful that I am still healthy and able to engage in life fully (from the comfort of my home anyway lol) but I am angry that this pandemic may be robbing me of the adventures that are not possible at this time. My worry is that I will begin to deteriorate prior to the re-opening up of our society and I will have lost the chance to complete some of my bucket list items with my family. I want to travel, I want to be with my other family and friends as much as possible. I want to eat out, go to the theatre and go to a cottage or resort.   My time is limited and time is slipping away. When will this end!

Unfortunately there is nothing that I/we can really do about it. It is what it is. We need to make the best if it.  I continue to use all of my strategies to remain mentally healthy, stay positive and remain hopeful. Some days are easier than others. I know that there are others out there that have bigger struggles then me. How are they coping at this time? Thank goodness I have Michelle and my children to help me through these difficult times. I am so blessed. I try to reach out to others that I know that don't necessarily have the same support systems that I have. I encourage you to reach out to those in your life that you know may not have support and may need your help. Check in on them, reach out to offer them support as best as you can. We all need to help each other out during these difficult times. 

I also want to take this time to say thank you to all of you that continue to reach out to my family and I! It means a great deal to me. 

Trying to stay positive! 

We can get through this. We can!

Richard

Bottle Buddy is Back!

The Return of Bottle Buddy.

Well that was fast! We are back at it. As updated in last week's blog, I screened out of the clinical trial and am back under the care and treatment of the excellent team at Southlake.  This treatment I am now heading into, called for  PICC line to be installed since one of my new medications would  need to be administered over a 48 hour period. I was quickly booked for the procedure this week, in time for my first chemo day on Thursday. We've also had more bloodwork, a CT Scan (I think I've had 7 of these to date!), and other screening tests--- it really has been so great to be able to have this excellent follow up and and care so close to home.

Now, this new treatment regime has something old and adds something new to the attack on my cancer.  With the return of one of the previous medications,  comes the return of something I had nicknamed "my Bottle Buddy"! As you may recall, I previously talked about "My Bottle Buddy" in one of my posts earlier this year, back in January. At that time, when that treatment finished up, I was very excited to have my chemo bottle removed and in turn have my PICC line removed. At the time, my bottle buddy was really getting on my nerves. The bottle was with me 24/7 and at that time it was for five days in a row, every 3 weeks for quite a few months. It followed me everywhere I went, I mean everywhere! It even slept with Michelle and I each night, neatly tucked between us with its own pillow to keep it upright, lol. 

As I mentioned in that blog, my "bottle buddy" was a constant and visible reminder of my cancer. It was very difficult to ignore. It wasn't painful or really that uncomfortable. It did however move around a lot, wiggling and flopping from side to side as I moved.  The plastic tubes also seemed to get tangled in the holding pouch a lot. I was successful at hiding it underneath long sleeve shirts. But I have to say it was great to have it off for the summer and I was able to enjoy swimming and wearing t-shirts.  With fall here and winter coming, I guess one silver lining with having my bottle buddy back, is that I will be able to once again easily conceal it under a long sleeved shirt so no one will really be able to notice it (except maybe for the big noticeable bulge under my shirt lol). At least it will only be attached for two days this time, instead of five days in a row like last time. 

Now that we have our sweet new puppy Lily, I will also need to be extra careful that she doesn't try to bite the tube or the bottle.  We shall see how that goes! Lily loves to cuddle up on my knee and I don't want to give up that if I don't have to. So far so good,  she doesn't really seem to pay any attention to it.

How long will bottle buddy be with me this time?  Well, it will be with me for as long as the treatment is working.  Our hope is that this treatment will work for as long as possible. Time will tell!  How's it going so far? Well within the first 10 mins as the new chemo started to infuse, I really could feel it, I had a few side effects that were quickly addressed by my health care team.  I've had some nausea, but overall the meds they give you to take really help to make things more comfortable.  I am immunocompromised, so again, our concerns with COVID are elevated and we are taking extra care, as well as all the extra precautions we take to watch and monitor for any other infections.

All that goes to further say, as I welcome back my bottle buddy and the chemo treatment again, I must admit that we continue to have a love/hate relationship.   I love it when it works, hate it when it is inconvenient or if it doesn't do the job!

I hope that you enjoy your weekend everyone!  Embrace your "bottle buddy", whatever that might be!

Richard

Is this our new Normal?

Earlier in the week, on our trip to our local grocery store Michelle and I ran into a former colleague and friend of mine who has recently moved away. We were surprised to see her back in Newmarket.  Her first instinct was to come over and give Michelle a big hug but she quickly stopped herself after remembering the social distancing rules. She smiled and offered a warm greeting instead. It was a bit of an awkward moments for all three of us. If things were 'normal' or as they used to be, a big hug would have surely been given and appropriate under the circumstances. We all seem to be missing the human contact of others at this time.  Is this our new normal?

On our daily walks through the nature trails of Newmarket, whenever we come across others walking on the path, we quickly go into single file formation, like we are in the military. Michelle says that I go into formation way too early! Most times, the other people on the path do the same for us, but not always! We sometimes end up off the path and on the grass to be sure to keep a safe distance away from others. Is this our new normal?

Ordering items online before Christmas this year was a new novelty for Michelle and I as we had never done online shopping to any great scale before. We were amazed to find all the items that we were looking for and having them delivered straight to our home. We were definitely impressed at the time as it was quick, convenient and saved us time. 

Lately, online shopping has been our only option for us for most of our purchases. We have even tried curb side pickup. I must say that this is definitely not our preferred method of shopping. The time spent scrolling through the items online (trying to find the specific brand we are looking for) and the wait time (sometimes a few days) for the item to be ready for pick up as well as the wait time in your car for the item to be brought to your car has proven to be a bit frustrating. Is this our new normal?

We have even tried online grocery shopping for a few weeks. The novelty has definitely worn off for this as well! We miss grocery shopping in person. Often the items we have tried to purchase have not been available online or are out of stock. It is also not very convenient to order groceries several days in advance as often we run out of them early and have to make a quick trip to the grocery store anyway. This will not be our new normal!

Our three kids are pro's at ordering Uber Eats. We are trying to support local restaurants at least once a week during this time of staying at home (we are also tired of cooking dinners too so this gives us a making dinner break too). We downloaded the UberEats app and ordered food. To our disappointment the order arrived with items missing and with the added fees, the price of the meal was too high in my opinion. I guess I'm just old fashioned and cheap! I would much rather just pick up my take out food. This will not be our new normal (at least for Michelle and I, our kids are another story. They love to order online) !

As our government announces that our economy is beginning to reopen and our day to day lives 'may' begin to return to some form of 'normal' again, I can tell you that I am actually still quite scared. I am scared of getting Covid-19. Although my doctors have indicated that my immune system is not compromised at the moment, I still worry about contracting the virus in my current condition. I do feel that I have several of the risk factors for sure. We have been staying home for the most part, washing our hands regularly and following expected guidelines. Better safe than sorry.

We will all need to remain vigilant and continue to be cautious. I know for sure that I will still be following the guidelines closely even after restrictions have been lifted. 

I guess this will be my new normal!

Stay well, stay safe.

Richard

Everyday Heroes

This week was cancer maintenance treatment week again. To be honest with you, I was a little nervous to go the the cancer centre at all, with the scary stories on the news and online about Covid-19, I really didn't know what to expect. I had visions of multiple sick patients with masks on, scattered throughout the hallways of the hospital, with frantic, tired hospital staff in full gear trying their best to cope with them all. The reality was the cancer clinic was extremely quiet, being isolated really from the rest of the hospital. In fact it was the least number of patients and staff that I have ever seen at the cancer centre (regrettably this is usually not the case).

I was comforted to find that several precautions were in place to support both the patients and staff at the hospital. As soon as you enter the cancer centre you are greeted by health care staff and security that ask you a series of questions, give you a squirt of hand sanitizer and send you on your way. On the chemotherapy floor, the waiting room chairs were segregated with caution tape to ensure that we all sat the required distance away from each other. All of the nursing staff seemed to be in fairly good spirits despite the pressure and stress that they must be under.  

Everyday Heroes

I am so impressed and thankful to all of the hospital staff that are working tirelessly to support all of us that are seriously ill. From the doctors and nurses, to the admitting staff, hospital cleaners, security and all the others that are working behind the scenes. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I can't imagine what you must be feeling and going through. You have your own families and anxious concerns, yet you come to work to support those of us that rely on you for our medical needs. Thank you!  

Other Local Heroes 

A big thank you to all those that are still working to keep our necessities of life going. Grocery staff, truck drivers, restaurant workers, warehouse workers, pharmacy staff, couriers, nursing home staff, news reporters, and the countless others that have been deemed essential by our government who continue to go to work each day. We thank you for keeping the essential goods, services & information flowing. Thank you!

Thank you also to my friends and colleagues that have been checking in on me and my family via phone calls, texts and emails. These ongoing connections are so important, but especially during these days of isolation for all of us. Even if we can't meet in person, checking in with each other is vital at this time. Thanks to those that have checked in on me. You will never know how much this means to me and my family. I have also tried to reach out to others to check on them to see if they are ok. We all need to do our part! 

Special Request

I have a special request of all of you reading this blog. I ask that you check in on at least two people each and every day (family, friends, neighbours and acquaintances) to see how they are coping during these difficult days. You chose the method (phone call, text, email, video conferencing etc.!) Together we can ensure that physical distancing doesn't mean social isolation and that it doesn't get the best of us!

Finally I would like to thank my online community of friends and followers for keeping me informed and entertained. It seems to be my 'go to' place for 'just in time' information and updates. I do try to limit my viewing of COVID-19 information updates. I don't know about you but the more I watch it, the more anxious I get! Thank goodness for all the creative tweets, posts, videos and blogs that help to distract us. I must say how impressed I am with the creativity of others online. Some make me laugh hysterically, others have me close to tears. Emotions are definitely running high these days.

We are certainly missing our Saturday night hockey games, missing the Toronto Maple Leafs, but all of this is the right thing to do.  

Remember let's keep a hockey stick apart! 

Richard