Take a Deep Breath In - Hold It - Breathe Out

SCAN-xiety 3.0

Well here we go again! It is time for another CT scan to determine if my latest line of treatment is making a difference or not. You may recall in my previous blog posts SCAN-xiety & SCAN-xiety 2.0, my track record for receiving positive results has not been good. This brings forth additional anxiety each time leading up to the  test and waiting for the results. As the date of my CT scan draws closer our worry and fear increase proportionally. Many questions continue to swirl around in my head including:  will this time be different? will I finally get some positive news? has my new treatment made any difference at all? have all these tests, overnight stays at the hospital been worth the effort? 

I really did not expect mental health to be such a key factor in my cancer journey when this all started, but after you are diagnosed with cancer, your emotions run wild and are easily intensified. As Michelle mentioned in her blog post Our Life is a Rollercoaster, we have gone through every emotion imaginable from anger, frustration, fear, sadness, surprise, despair and hopefulness to just to name a few. The twists and turns of a cancer journey make life a living drama. It is not a ride we asked to be on but we are buckled in for the long haul and are ready to face all ups and downs and twists and turns that cancer brings our way. 

The stakes of these particular CT scan results are really high this time around because they will indicate whether or not  my treatment is making a difference. It will also indicate continuation or perhaps topping of my trial.  The CT scan review meeting with my oncologist is already set for early next week so at least I will not have a long wait to know. This is a small comfort because the emotions and worry set in during this waiting period for all.

Our hope is that this treatment is actually making a difference and that I am slowing down the spread and growth of my active tumours. This was the hopeful outcome of joining this trial in the first place and this is the message we hope to receive next week at the post CT scan meeting. I think that we deserve it. After several disappointing CT scan outcomes we are due for a positive one this time around. I have been following every protocol and attending every procedure, appointment and treatment without fail. We must reap the rewards of this commitment at some point, right?

Regardless of the outcome of the meeting next week, we will not give up! Giving up means admitting defeat and that is something I/we just can't do. I will do whatever it takes to keep moving forward, to keep as healthy as possible and to live my life with my family and friends. If this trial, is not working we will look for another one. There is always hope, there is always a possibility and least that is the the way we see it. 

Like the instructions during the CT Scan..... we need to take a deep breath in, hold it, hold it, hold it and then breathe out, while we wait.

" When you have exhausted all possibilities remember this, you haven't." ~ Thomas Edison

Richard

A Room with a View: Looking out my Hospital Window

This blog post was written on Thursday, April 1st.

I am sitting here this morning, looking out my hospital room window, staring at all the office towers and city streets. They don't seem to have the usual hustle and bustle that they usually do. University Avenue or "Hospital Alley" as it is also known (due to the number of hospitals located in close proximity), is much busier than most of the other downtown streets I have passed this morning on my way to treatment. On University Avenue, a flurry of patients and healthcare workers are all making their way to their intended destinations: starting shifts, ending shifts, off to appointments and treatments. The lack of hustle and bustle in other parts of the downtown are not surprising given the fact that most people are working from home these days. The hospital and the streets near them however seem as busy as ever!  

I arrived this morning before 7 a.m. to have my blood work done and there were actually only three people waiting in line at the blood lab at that time of morning. This early morning appointment meant that I was in and out quite quickly! Now what to do? I still have to wait until at least nine o'clock before the transition of overnight patients leaving for the day and new patients arriving get to take their place. Luckily there is a Timmies on the main floor so coffee number two here I come! I am still very happy that they were able to arrange for an early morning, same day, blood lab appointment, which although it makes for a very long day, it frees me up from making another trip down to the hospital on the day before. Less travel, less parking, less reminders!

Due to COVID restrictions and protocols there are really no places to go downtown. Once you enter the hospital, and after your COVID screening, you aren't really supposed to leave the hospital again until you are done for the day. As time went on, the flow and pace of people arriving at the hospital started to increase, soon the 18th floor waiting room couches are full. I will be spending the next eight hours or so on the 18th floor, the cancer trial floor with lots of time to stare out my window. 

A room with a view:  what a view out my window! Being on the 18th floor gives you a great view of downtown TO. I am so lucky to have the window view this week. In the past, I have had the second bed closest the the hallway and spent many hours of the day staring at a wall, sink and door. Not much motivation or stimulation with that view! Having the window view gives me the chance to stare outside and see what others are up to, what is happening in the world around me. I'm sure that most are doing something more pleasant than me. As I look down below, I can see a city school with kids playing on the pavement, people walking their dogs, people jogging and others rushing to wherever they are off to. As I sit up in my hospital bed with lots of time to kill, I am forced to slow down (not really by choice LOL) but it does give me alone time to think and ponder. This is not always a good thing. When I keep busy, I have less time to think about my current state of affairs. I try not to think and ponder too much these days. Thinking sometimes takes me down a negative path and it is not the path that I want to be on. I don't want to get myself into a personal pity party. Luckily I have my laptop, phone and wifi access to distract me. It is unfortunate that these times mean I need to be at the appointments and treatments solo.  I appreciate keeping up the text conversations with Michelle, our kids, extended family and friends.  This helps the day go a little faster, keeps me distracted, and keeps them informed, as I know its hard for them to be away as well.  Luckily the treatments allow me to be able to drive and be independent. With COVID restrictions and the distances into Toronto from our home, otherwise this would be really tough.  It also means when the treatments are done - I am "out-ta here" ASAP, (well until I get stuck on the North DVP trying to get home).  Keeping busy, having my independence, helps me to avoid going down these pity paths. 

Looking out my window provides a wonderful distraction but at the same time provides a reminder that life goes on! I plan to enjoy life as much as possible for as long as possible. 

Enjoy the view wherever you are, I sure am!

Richard