Rainy Day Blues

I woke up this morning to a wet, rainy day.  It has been awhile since we have had any substantial rain so it is welcome for all of our newly planted pots, shrubs and gardens to have a good soaking or at least a day of misting.  Our lawn was just freshly cut yesterday so this rain will help to keep it lush and green.  Looking out the window over my backyard this morning, I noticed the vibrant and varied colours of green throughout the yard. Nature really is so beautiful. The dark skies and the wet conditions really make the palette of greens look breathtaking and the colours pop.  When you get the chance to actually slow down and 'smell the roses' you realize the natural beauty that is all around us. I am so fortunate to be able to be here to see this (except maybe for the snowflakes that soon followed). Yes you heard me right, snowflakes on May 28th! But this is Canada - eh!

I find that rainy days give you an excuse to slow down and take some time for yourself. Let's face it, I can't really complete my outdoor 'to do' list today. I guess I could always find something to do on my indoors 'to do' list but....... I think this will be a good day for an afternoon nap. A good day to take a midday bath and maybe snuggle up and watch a movie. 

The problem with slowing down and taking some time for yourself is that it gives my mind a chance to wonder. Usually I am so hyper focused on daily chores, schedules, and appointments but when I get a chance to slow down, my mind always seems to end up in the same place. I start to think about the future or lack of a future for me and my family. I start to get nostalgic and then get melancholy. It is hard not to wonder about what life events I will miss or not be apart of.  Lately I have been reminiscing more about past memories and even having dreams with people and places from years gone by. It is really interesting how the mind works. These moments or flashbacks of my life are both heartwarming and distressing at the same time.  

I have to keep remembering and telling myself that none of us can predict the future. None of us know what will come next or how long we have. I need to focus my energies on the here and now. I need to enjoy and celebrate the present, as the future is well, in the future, and not promised for any of us really. 

And on that note, in my immediate future, it all begins again on Monday!  Here we go again! Clinical trial number two starts!  It's back to the hospital, lots of blood work, tests and more CT scans. At least this trial is every other week so we will get some reprieve over the summer to rest and enjoy without constant weekly visits to the hospital. We are even trying to squeeze in a few getaways on my weeks off. New hope, new promise and hopefully some positive results await.

I will take advantage of this 'rainy day' to savour the time that I have with my family and be thankful for the blessing that we have together. 

"Somedays you just have to create your own sunshine." ~ Author Unknown

Richard

When one door slams shut.... another door opens!

Well that didn't take long! In less than a week I have been fortunate enough to be offered another phase 1 cancer drug trial at Princess Margaret. We are shocked and amazed really. When I went down for my scheduled appointment earlier in the week, I was not expecting to hear any positive news. I had been preparing myself for my oncologist to say that they didn't have another trial to offer at this time and that they would keep a lookout for any upcoming trials and we would be on our own until then. I thought she would offer pain medication and discuss what palliative supports were available. I am not ready for these types of discussions as I look and feel quite healthy, at least on the outside anyway. I arrived at my appointment just in time and was having a bit of deja vu as this appointment was in the same waiting room that I had been in two months previously to discuss my first trial. Here we go again! I didn't have to wait long for my oncologist to enter the room and share some exciting news.  She arrived promptly in the room and after getting Michelle on the phone for the consultation, and with very little small talk, she immediately told us that there was another clinical trial option. We were stunned and shocked really. This is not what we had expected. All week long my hopes had been dwindling and here, the door was opening up again (maybe).  

Of course this will mean that I'll be entering into a few weeks of tests and procedures and likely another biopsy - but I will gladly get poked and prodded and take this on again, with the hope of a better outcome this time around. We are currently in the process of reading over the trial information and will be coming to an informed decision as to whether or not it is a good fit for me. I have found that when your options narrow considerably, your risk tolerance goes up considerably. It will take four weeks for me to flush out from the previous trial, but I am  two weeks into that already so I should be ready to go for the end of the month. This will bring forth another set of tests and round of procedures to go through to qualify and meet the requirements of the study. I am willing to go through all the hoops required in the hope that this new trial will make a difference. 

When one door slams shut, often another door opens. I have found over my lifetime that this statement holds true. Hope is something to hold onto, despite the evidence that might suggest otherwise. Last week my hopes were dwindling and I couldn't help but feel defeated. A week later there is new hope. Just having an option, gives me hope!  This helps to reinforce that there is always hope around the corner. A new day, a new beginning. Don't get me wrong, I do understand that this new trial could eventually end up having a similar result like my last trial, having no new real impact or lasting benefit for me, however we will continue to be hopeful that it will offer some benefit, even a small benefit. At the very least it is offering us new hope and is keeping us going. We shall see how this one goes.  

A new day, a new blessing, a new hope. ~ Author Unknown

Richard 

This week is National Nurses Week! I would like to give a special shout out to all the nurses out there who work tirelessly for their patients with skill, care and compassion. Thank you! I have nothing but admiration for the work you do. By the way, I love nurses so much that I married one!  Love you Michelle.

Run for Southlake- thanks to all that supported us in this four week virtual challenge. We surpassed our goal of $2000. and ended up with $3000. in donations. We are so thankful! We also achieved our goal of 40 km over the four weeks. Thanks everyone.