Ups & Downs

Prior to meeting your oncologist at the cancer centre, you are asked to fill out a quick online survey each time you visit. The survey was created by Cancer Care Ontario and it asks you a series of questions. They include questions about pain, tiredness, drowsiness, nausea, appetite, shortness of breath, depression, anxiety and wellbeing. The survey is written using a Likert scale with rating from 0 to 10. They track your answers over time to see if there are any significant changes in each of the categories.  I assume that the health professionals use the data to monitor your health and wellbeing during your treatments.

Two of the questions that are asked, surprised me. They were the questions about your current level of anxiety and another question asking about your level of depression. When I first began to complete these surveys,  I questioned why they would include them. I have cancer, not anxiety or depression. I began to realize their importance after my second round of chemo.

The Canadian Cancer Society points out, that both the patient and his/her family can, and most likely will go through a series of emotions which can including: shock, fear, denial, anger, guilt, anxiety/stress, loneliness/isolation, sadness, depression and hope. I must say that I have experienced most of these emotions over the last few months.

Levels of anxiety and depression do change over time during treatments. I find (and my family finds) that my level of depressive thoughts significantly increases after my round of chemotherapy (especially the three days following the removal of my chemo bottle).  It also has increased after each round of chemo. I am beginning to wonder if it has something to do with my treatments and the fact that they continue to penetrate my whole body system for extended periods of time.

Despite trying to remain positive, negative thoughts do enter your mind and cause moments of despair. I guess that this is something that should be expected. Even the most positive person has moments of despair. I have previously talked about ways that help me to deal with these emotions including: my family, friends, music, nature and laughter.

Other ways that I am trying to add to my emotional toolkit are; mindfulness exercises and positive affirmations. At times, SWEARING helps too! Those that know me, know that I'm not really the swearing type but I must say that since my diagnosis I have said "F#*K cancer!" more than a few times (usually in my head but occasionally it has slipped out loud). Believe it or not, it does have a short term, immediate positive effect. It seems to release some of my built up stress!

Anxiety can also build over time. The fear of the unknown. What will happen next? Is the treatment making any difference at all? These are all questions that come to the surface periodically. This can cause anxious moments.

My biggest concern at the moment is how to support my family and their emotions, while trying to deal with my own emotions at the same time? We all have our up & down moments in any given day. We are working through these emotions one day at a time and trying to push the positive thoughts to the surface more often than the negative.

Trying to stay positive!

Richard

My Michelle

The most important person in my life, my Michelle.

I'm sure that she will try to persuade me not to publish this post but I must publish it for all to read. It is important for me to share how much it means to me to have her in my life, to have her always by my side and how much I love her.  Michelle has been there for me for all the important milestone in my life. We live our lives together, taking each step in the journey as one. I could not have asked for a better partner during this new uncharted path that we are on together.

I honestly do not know how I could navigate this journey without her help.  Without her being apart of every step of this cancer journey. We are life partners and have stood beside each other for thirty-three years now. She is my soul mate.

Personal Champion

Michelle has quietly been supporting me and our family throughout this whole ordeal. She tries to remain positive and optimistic at all times. She always has a way of bringing us back to our focus which is our family.  I wonder if she truly understands the important role that she plays. She is the glue that binds us. She is the mediator, the encourager, the advocate and the champion of our family.

Michelle has been heavily researching my cancer diagnosis, trying to find new treatment options and advocating to doctors and nurses on my behalf. She supports me during appointments and keeps me focused on moving forward.

I know that she has not been sleeping well these past few months. The mental burden and impact of this disease is real.

Michelle is constantly checking in on me to see if I need anything or if there is something I would like her to do (or stop doing). She goes along with our 'dancing in the kitchen', local bucket list adventures and even goes to bed early (before 9 p.m.) on those days when I am tired without question.

Behind the scenes she is quietly disinfecting our home to ensure that there is less chance of me getting sick. Regularly cleaning sheets, surfaces and items in our home. She is trying to continue with some normalcy in our daily lives, balancing home and career. This is not an easy thing to do. I admire her ability to manage and persevere in a positive way.

When I need a pep talk, Michelle is there. When I need someone to reset my thinking back to the positive, Michelle is there. When I start to move back down into a place of self-pity, Michelle is there.

I worry about her and my children. They too are stuck in neutral. They are putting on a brave face for me but I know deep down that they are worried and concerned for our future. I am too. Unfortunately this is a ride that we must all take with its ups and its downs.

She brings a new meaning too, in sickness and in health. Michelle has been there for me and continues to be there for me, every step of the way.  I am so blessed to have her in my life.

I love you Michelle. XOXO

Richard

Sometimes... Laughter is the best medicine!

Yesterday, Michelle, the boys and I, went to see the comedian Danny Bhoy at Roy Thompson Hall in Toronto (Sophie is away at university).  I must say that I have not laughed like that in a long time. I don’t want to spoil his routine so I won’t repeat some of his best jokes but he has a way of engaging the audience through funny story telling. He also laughs at his own jokes, which makes you smile and laugh too. He is hilarious in my opinion!

If you have not seen him, I would highly recommend that you do. Just Google Danny Bhoy online for some of his past comedy routines. We especially love some of his older material such as his routine about how Scotland got its national flower (the thistle) and his diddle-lee-dee potatoes segment. We really enjoy watching him and we were very happy to get tickets to see him in person in Toronto. We knew that we would be laughing a lot.  The best part of the night was that for ninety minutes, none of us where talking about or thinking about cancer! Instead we were laughing our heads off. A welcome reprieve.

Michelle and I had our three children, Jonathan, Joshua and Sophia in the span between the late 1990's and early 2000's therefore these years are pretty much a blur for us. Our children did not sleep well, so we endured a severe lack of sleep for most of the decade. We often rented a movie from Blockbuster only to return it the next day not having watched it or falling asleep before it was over. (How many of you parents out there can relate to that?)

The same goes for t.v. shows. We watched t.v. inconsistently throughout their growing up years. When your children outnumber you, you spend most of your time trying to keep the peace, especially with two active boys or keep trying to get to bed early to catch up on your sleep as kids tend to wake up early (thank you Captain Obvious!).

Recently Michelle and I have began to watch Friends on Netflix. We binge watch a few episodes before bed a few nights a week. This show makes us laugh! Even though it may no longer be politically correct or accurate for today’s society (lets get real- no one could afford an apartment like Rachel and Monica’s, based on their jobs- at least not in TO!). With all the daily negative news stories and shows about murder and gun violence currently on t.v. these days we appreciate a good laugh before heading off to bed. Laughter changes your mindset.

It is amazing how laughter can change your mood and make you forget all about your troubles, even if it is for a few short moments. These are cherished moments of time. Last week, I met up with my friend Crystal for coffee and within a few minutes she had me in a full on belly laugh (you know those uncontrollable laughs that almost make you cry!). She has always had the ability to make me smile and giggle. We need more 'giggle time' in our lives.  

Here is what the Canadian Cancer Society has to say about Laughter and Cancer :

Although cancer isn't a funny subject, some people find that laughter helps them deal with the stress and anxiety around cancer. Using laughter to relieve tension doesn't mean you aren't taking cancer seriously. It's OK to laugh. When a person laughs, their brain releases chemicals that relax muscles and make them feel good. SO don't hesitate to watch your favourite funny movie or read your favourite funny book again. Or call a friend to tell them about the silly thing your pet did. You just might feel better afterwards. ( I know that I do!)

So don't be afraid to laugh.  Laugh at yourself, laugh with others, surround yourself with those people who can help you giggle.  It won't make the cancer go away, but I can definitely say that it changes mindset, and mindset is half the battle. 

I try to laugh and smile each and every day! Michelle and our kids help make this happen. They are always trying to brighten my spirits, provide me with moments to smile and moments to laugh at a with each other. 

While most of the 90's and early 2000's were mostly a blur, we can both agree that we would not have changed a thing. Michelle and I cherish these memories and heck, we can now binge watch these shows and movies on Netflix any time we want!

Richard 

Side Effects: Short Term Pain for Long Term Gain?

Many have asked me, "How are you feeling?" My answer has for the most part been, "I feel great!" because most of the time, I do feel great. I can fully participate in most aspects of daily life without any real issues or concerns.

Others have remarked, "You look great!" when they see me in person. My guess is that I am getting the 'you look great' response, mainly due to the fact that I don't really have any of the visible side effects that you would normally associated with cancer. For example, I have no hair loss. The only real visible difference you can see in me is that I have lost a significant amount of weight over the past few month (although I have been gaining some back lately!) Ironically this weight loss actually makes me look healthier, at least from the outside appearance anyway.  (it probably is actually a health benefit to have lost more than twenty pounds over the past few months, although I did not enjoy my liquid only diet- see my Food! Glorious! Food blog entry for more a reminder).

I don't want to get to 'medical' in my blog but think it is important to explain the difference between chemotherapy, radiation and the side effects that can happen due to each of these treatments. Most cancer patients are provided with one or both of these dual treatment options. 

According to the Canadian Cancer Society:

Chemotherapy (sometimes called chemo) destroys cancer cells or slows their growth (My hope is that they kill them!) Some chemotherapy drugs are given on their own. But in most cases, several chemotherapy drugs are used together to destroy cancer cells (I am currently on a combination of three different chemotherapy drugs). *

Radiation therapy works by destroying cancer cells and damaging a cancer cell's DNA so that it stops dividing and growing. Radiation therapy can shrink a tumour or completely destroy it (Again, I prefer the second result!).  It is most effective on cells that grow and divide quickly. Cancer cells tend to divide more quickly than most normal cells. This makes them more likely to be affected by the radiation (be radiosensitive) then normal cells. *

* Taken from the Canadian Cancer Society Website

The issue with chemotherapy and radiation therapy is that while their main purpose is to kill cancer cells, they also damage healthy cells at the same time. This of course is not a good thing and is what can cause side effects to occur. 

As I have stated many times in my blog, each cancer patient's journey is unique to that individual, and this is true for side effects as well. Some experience more side effects or more visible side effects than others. It is important to state that many cancer patients experience side effects that are not necessarily visible to others but can have devastating impact on quality of life.

I have been fortunate so far in the fact that I am not experiencing many of the major side effects that are possible during chemotherapy & radiation.

To further explain the "How are you feeling" answer, below are the moderate side effects that I am currently experiencing from time to time:

Short Term Fatigue-  In the past I have often been referred to by others as 'the energizer bunny'. This nickname, I can only imagine is based on the fact that I can be a little hyper at times (no comments please!). One noticeable side effect has been that I have slowed my pace down a bit since my treatments have begun. (This may not be a bad thing after all!). The three days after my chemo are the hardest as this is when the fatigue sets in. I have resorted to short naps some afternoons to address this symptom. 

Low White Blood Cell Counts- For the past two out of three chemo treatments (so far) I have had my treatments postponed by a week due to low white blood cell counts. (Better safe them sorry I say), as low white blood cells can increase the risk of infections.

Dry Mouth- My mouth can get very dry at times. I have been using a moisturizing mouthwash and a variety of items from the 'care package' given to me by some of my work colleague friends which include real ginger bits and sugar free candies. These have helped a great deal. 

Changes in Taste & Smell- (what I refer to as "Metal Mouth) Sometimes I get a metal taste in my mouth that takes away from the normal taste of foods. Sometimes I smell strange smells as well. Luckily it doesn't seem to last too long. 

Dry/Irritated Skin- My skin can become dry and itchy. At the moment, it is hard to determine if this is an actual side effect or simply the fall/winter seasonal effects of the weather coming into play here.

Some Memory Issues- some call it "Chemo Brain". It is where you forget simple things like people's names or tasks that you were doing. (This can be embarrassing at times, but I have found it an effective excuse when I forgotten where I have placed my wallet, keys or cellphone LOL).

I have been fortunate so far that my side effects have been manageable as this is not the case for all cancer patients. Thanks to my medications, (and I take them just as the Dr. ordered to prevent the side effects). As I understand this, the nausea and vomiting are not something that you can wait out or work through as it is related to the level of chemotherapy in your system.  I am glad to have these medications to help prevent and manage the possibility of this happening and I am pleased to report that I have not had any nausea or vomiting associated with my treatments so far. This is a big relief as you may recall that it was nausea and vomiting that started this whole journey in the first place (brings back bad memories!).

I will be having follow up CT and MRI scans over the coming weeks and my hope is that these treatments and side effects will all be well worth it when the results come in!

This is my experience and understanding of possible side effects but please remember to speak to your doctors and/or healthcare team regarding your specific questions or concerns (Michelle made me put this disclaimer in)!

Richard

Cancer touches so many of us!

One thing I have learned from starting this blog is that cancer touches most of us in so many different ways.  I have had many people share with me their personal cancer journey (some of which have kept it private from others). I have also been told stories of family member or close friends who are currently going through cancer treatment, are cancer survivors, or who lost their battle with cancer. Each story was unique but all had a common theme of struggle, support and love.

Some of the stories are inspiring and hopeful while others remind us that cancer doesn't always have a happy ending.  Even if you are not personally going through cancer yourself, most of us have witnessed or have been a part of someone else's journey. Cancer touches our heart and soul and provides us with examples of both triumph and tragedy. 

I choose to focus my blog posts on the positives rather than the negatives, while at the same time exposing the real emotional tug of war that plays out in your head and heart. This doesn't mean that I don't have moments of defeat, worry, anxiety and even depression. I do.  I try to quickly pull myself out of these negative thoughts, as they are not helpful. There is no need to have an ongoing pity party! I've had the pity party, I've tucked it away, and try to move on.  To me, pity parties are destructive and lead you down a spiral of self pity and "why me" moments. 

These emotional moments are not exclusive to me as I can see first hand the impact of my cancer treatments and prognosis on my wife and family. I think it is important to acknowledge and support those around the cancer patient.  Although they are not experiencing the physical symptoms of the disease, they are definitely dealing with the emotional aspects just as much as I am, or perhaps even more so. Each member of my family are dealing with this journey in their own personal way. 

If I could have one wish, it would be that I could shelter my wife and family from this disease and all of its impact on our daily lives. I wish that I could take away all of the worry, uncertainty and heartache.  This I know is not possible. What is possible is to stay positive, be thankful for what we have, to continue with as much normalcy as possible and to cherish each day that we have together.

My family is my everything,

Richard