Why am I still taking out the garbage?

Have you ever noticed that when you watch a movie or a t.v. show and the main character is given "just months to live", you see them jetting off to some far away, exotic location or they drop everything to fulfill their 'bucket/wish list' items. All of a sudden, they seem to live a carefree life with no responsibilities, expectations or commitments. They just blow their life savings in the process.

Why am I not jetting off to some far off location every other week? And why am I still taking out the garbage? 

Well, the reality is, for most of us with cancer, this is not an option. We have months of radiation and chemotherapy treatments, time needed to recover and concerns for infection. We have bills to pay, we have appointments to keep, we have other family members that have jobs, school, responsibilities and lives of their own too. We have daily tasks and chores that still need to get done.  We can't just jet off, as a family, and forget about everything else. It's not like the movies. Daily life must and should continue. This actually is what helps to keep us all sane. 

Daily life routines help to create a sense of normalcy in a time when life is anything but normal. Routines help us to fill our days and give us a sense of purpose (especially now that I am in retirement). Most of all, it helps to take our minds off of our 'situation' and find the strength to keep moving forward (who knew that taking out the garbage could do all this, lol).

Don't get me wrong, we do want to travel and explore. We are just trying to navigate the barriers in making this happen at this time now that my chemo is over and I am on maintenance.

Even if we wanted to go and explore all of our 'bucket list' locations, it is very difficult to secure travel insurance when you have a terminal illness. We would also need to schedule the trip between appointments. With the coronavirus concerns at the moment, we are thinking that this is not the best time to travel abroad.

Our hope it to have a wonderful family vacation (within Canada) in the near future. We are sorting out the time,  destination and working on logistics, but it will happen! We deserve it and really need something to look forward to as a family. 

So believe it or not, taking out the garbage, loading the dishwasher, getting groceries and shovelling the snow, is all helping in some small way to keep us moving forward. Moving forward is the only way to go!

There are so many wonderful places to see and visit right here in Canada. There are still a few places that we have not had the opportunity to explore. 

And besides, there is no place like home! 

Richard

Family is Everything!

This past Monday like most families in Canada, we celebrated Family Day. We were lucky enough to have all five of us home and off for the day. As well, Sophie was able to be with us, as it coincided with university reading week. This meant the Erdmann clan were all back together, even for a short while, under one roof again. 

This year, Family Day was a gloriously sunny winter day. Michelle, Sophie and I took advantage of the great weather and decided to go on a long walk to get some fresh air and to get in some exercise. Enough with hibernation!  We were tired of being cooped up due to the recent cold temperatures and decided to take advantage of the sunny day. We got in over 20,000 steps that day! I guess the lure of a warm Starbucks at the half way point of our walk, did the trick in keeping us motivated to keep walking. Unfortunately the Starbuck motivation did not entice Jonathan and Joshua to join us, preferring to sleep in!

"No family is perfect.... We argue, we fight. We even stop talking to each other at times. But in the end, family is family... The love will always be there!" ~ Author Unknown.

All families are unique. I don't know about your family but sometimes we struggle to get all five of us on the same page at the same time (this is often true when we are trying to select a restaurant to visit for dinner). We are five adults, living together with our own opinions and viewpoints, which don't always match.  We seem to have the unique ability to know exactly how to irritate one another and at the same time be able to say something that will bring us to tears of laughter.  Like the quote above states, we even stop talking to each other at times, but in the end we seem to find a way to forgive each other and move on. We do love each other so much, the love will always be there.

                      

At the moment, our family remains Stuck in Neutral.  It may be the time of year (the winter blahs) but I feel that it is more than that. We are all struggling with what the future holds. Our family seems to be staying strong and crumbling at the same time. 

Each of us are dealing with this cancer battle in our own way. From denial, to avoidance, to struggling to maintain a work focus, to moments of melancholy, back to resilience and hope. All of us have emotions that are on a wild rollercoaster ride. 

I wish my family didn't have this burden on their shoulders. Why do they have to deal with this? It doesn't seem fair. We try to put on a brave face but behind the scenes it can be difficult. We know the facts of my cancer. We know that all of these treatments and therapies are to extend my life, not cure it. 

Michelle and I have been honest with our children. We have told them the truth, right from the beginning, even though it was very difficult. They had a right to know. The truth is I have stage 4, inoperable, esophageal cancer. I am in palliative care. The uncertainty and the unknown of how much time is left can be stifling. We try to keep reminding ourselves that none of us really knows how much time we have left. There is alway hope, even when hope seems impossible. Staying positive is our only option.

Life is not always fair. Many families, like ours are dealing with or have dealt with this terrible disease. It seems that every time I turn on the t.v., read an online article or speak with someone, they have a cancer story to share. 

I can't imagine dealing with this disease without my family. I love them all so dearly. Our daily interactions may not always show it, but each of them gives me the strength and inspiration to continue to fight on! Really, we have no choice but to deal with this. I'm glad and thankful that I have my family by my side throughout this battle.

I'm going to be selfish here and say I want as much time as possible with them, even if we are not always 'the perfect family', we are a family that cares deeply for each other. Being perfect is overrated anyway!

My family is everything.

Richard

P.S. Yesterday, after 13 years, we lost an important member of our family. We had to say goodbye to our beloved dog, Darcy. I wrote about Darcy in my post Darcy- My Faithful Companion. We miss him deeply!  

 

Words to Live By

Over the years I have found inspirational quotes from others that have inspired me and have stayed with me throughout my life. I have shared them often and want to share them once again with all of you, as a reminder of how putting these words into action each day can have a profound impact on our lives and the lives of others. 

Here we go!

" Treat others the way you wish to be treated. "  

~ The Golden Rule

This I must say is one of my all time favourite and most used quotes! I have used this quote both as a teacher and later as a principal. I have tried to follow the Golden Rule as much as possible throughout my life. I think it best sums up how we should act towards each other. As I read the headlines and watch the news these days, I think that we need to embrace this quote more now than ever.  I must say how impressed I am with the staff and volunteers at the cancer centre who support patients each day. They all seem so kind and caring and from my observations, demonstrate respect for all the patients battling this disease. It must be difficult for them to stay positive as well as they see and deal with so many cancer patients and their families.   

" No act of kindness, however small is ever wasted. " 

~ Aesop

A smile, a gesture, a small act of kindness, can go along way. Often we don't realize the impact our actions have on others. They can be positive or negative. When kindness is offered to others, it impacts both the giver and the receiver. Being kind to others is free and doesn't really take much effort but its impact can be life changing. I must say that I am overwhelmed with the kindness shown to me and my family during this difficult time in our lives. We have been blessed with kindness from many. In return, we have tried to show kindness to others, to keep passing it forward. Kindness can be contagious!

" Carpe Diem! " Seize the Day!

Ever since I watched the movie Dead Poets Society staring Robin Williams, I have loved this quote. I even purchased a small plaque with it written on it and prominently displayed it

in my office to remind me that even during the toughest days, the days when I wanted to give up, to keep pushing and make the most of it. This could be the most important quote for me right now as I continue to battle cancer. I am trying hard to Seize each Day! To fight the fight and to find the joy and laughter that each day can bring. I must admit that some days are easier than others to make this happen. I encourage you to Seize the Day too!

" People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. " ~ Maya Angelou

This too is such and important quote. My hope is that people will remember me as a kind, caring person who was family focused. I have tried to live my life in a positive manner and hope that I have made people feel good about themselves in some way.  I try to see the good in all people. We all appreciate a kind word or gesture from others. Making people feel good about themselves costs nothing but can make a world of difference to them. 

" You will miss 100% of the shots that you don't take." 

~ Wayne Gretzky

Being a Canadian, and a fan of hockey, I had to include this quote from 'The Great One'.  If you don't try it will not happen. I have tried to live my life this way (although I still haven't tried sky diving, rock climbing or bungie jumping- I think those days have now passed.) If you don't engage or participate, it will not happen. Take risks, try new things, explore next adventures. I'm not what you would call a 'risk taker' but recently I have decided that I need to move beyond my comfort zone and be more of a risk taker. Let's see what I can get myself into over the next few weeks and months!

What are your treasured quotes that you live by? What inspires you? Please share.

One last quote to share.....

" Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment, until it becomes a memory."   ~ Dr. Seuss

Here's to making moments into memories! 

Richard

Spring Cleaning- Got Junk?

Michelle and I have lived at our current home in Newmarket for almost 20 years now. We moved into our home in early December 2000.  It has been our sanctuary and haven ever since.

When we moved in, Jonathan, Joshua and Sophia were six, four and one years old respectfully. Michelle and I were, during the late 90's, perpetually  sleep deprived. (I think I may have mentioned that in a previous post). This made for an interesting move in.

My dear mother had passed away that year, and we still had many of her personal items from her home, still unopened in boxes & bins in our garage and basement at the old house. On moving day, we simply placed all of her items, along with a wide selection of our current 'not used' items, into our new basement on moving day. We told ourselves that we would have the time to unpack and organize them later. These boxes and bins are still there, unopened 20 years later. A word of advice - do not delay, do it when you move in, lol.

Over the years we have also found it very difficult to part with items that we have purchased or received. We have changed our decor, purchased newer versions of items or simply indulged in some special gadget or gizzmo and instead of giving or throwing away the older version, we simply placed them in the basement for safe keeping (because you never know, we may decide that you may need them at a later date, right?) or there was always that elusive garage sale we were going to have.  Wrong! 

Over the next 20 years our basement has slowly filled up. If you walked into our basement this very week, you would swear that Michelle and I are hoarders. 

Our basement represents a time capsule of our lives. We have boxes, bins and bags full of days gone by. Full of memories.

Believe it or not, we still have all of the baby furniture and baby toys from our three children there. We have all of the fad toys and gadgets that were 'must haves' packed away on shelves: beanie babies, hockey cards, lego, train sets, hockey equipment,  medieval knights, and a collection of dolls and build a bear accessories (Coco is the best dressed bear in town), such as you would not believe. We thought that perhaps we could pass them down to our children's children some day. We even have boxes of our old university text books from the eighties (just in case we may need to reference them at some point. Really! Why didn't we give them away or throw them away years ago)? Michelle keeps reminding me that we kept them because we were going to turn one of our rooms into a library with a rolling library ladder - her dream. It's still a dream 20 years later!

One of my goals in retirement was to finally tackle the basement. I had planned to 'get it done' over the summer. It was on my 'to do' summer list. It finally needed to be done and there were no more excuses about not having the time to do it. I was no longer on vacation this summer, I was retired now. No more excuses. My cancer diagnosis and subsequent tests and therapies derailed these plans.

Now that my treatments have been completed and I am fairly symptom free, tackling the basement has once again risen the top of the pile of things to do. This is the week that our basement finally gets tackled (or at least started)!

A lifetime of memories currently lives in our basement. Going through these boxes, bags and bins this week is taking much longer than anticipated. Each time you open a new box, you are transformed to a different time and place in our lives. These are memory boxes and bins. The collection represents us and our family. This is making this job very difficult and time consuming, especially at this difficult time in our lives. These memories are so important right now.

When you are diagnosed with cancer, you immediately think the worse. In my case, the worse is my new reality. Still, I have been given the gift of time. My treatments have gone well and they have provided me with more time then my doctors had expected.   

Cleaning the basement (or our trip down memory lane) has been both heartwarming and tragic at the same time. What memories, still to come, will I miss or not be a part of?  But at least right now I can make choices on how to spend my time and with a sense of urgency, make things happen.

As a family and as a couple, we are trying our best to make as many new memories as possible. These memories however, will not be stored in our basement but in our hearts.

Here's to making new memories and to finally tackling your own basements! Do it, do it now but be prepared to go down your own memory lane.

Richard 

World Cancer Day- February 4th

Today is World Cancer Day.

I will continue to raise awareness and

encourage the prevention, detection and treatment of cancer.

I will continue to share my personal cancer journey in hopes of spreading positive energy to others fighting their battle and to support those around them.

I will fight to beat my cancer! #WorldCancer Day

#IAmAndIWill beat cancer!

Richard

Beating the Average

Back by popular demand! This week's blog post comes courtesy of My Michelle.

I find that we are constantly bombarded in our daily life with the concept of averages - average temperature, average rainfall, average returns on investment (lol), average side effects of a medicine and the average number of people who will be touched by cancer.  It’s like when you buy a new car, and everywhere you look, suddenly everyone has that same car.  I find that everywhere we look, there are statistics on cancer, or coverage in the news on cancer survival rates, or people telling their story about their cancer journey.  If you go online and search up the  "facts and figures" on average rates of cancer and trends, well this is very discouraging indeed.

What is an average?  It is a number, a single value that can be somewhat useful to compare data.  But the thing about averages, well there are outliers.  I learned about this concept early on in my life as it relates to marks in school.  While it was all well and good to achieve an “A”, if everyone had an “A” well, what did it really mean in terms of value?  If however, most had achieved a “B-“, well then, being an outlier and achieving an “A”, that was really something.   So to my mind, when you are talking about cancer and living - we do not want to be average,  an outlier - that’s where we want to be!  And why not us?  Why not Richard?  He is strong, and if anyone can beat the average he can.  

At the time of Richard’s diagnosis, we were presented with some not great averages which were very hard to hear.  Our best shot was to get moving quickly with all of the diagnostics, the radiation treatment, and the chemo, and get him eating.  Richard has completed his first line of treatment, is eating almost normally and returned to his normal weight.  We have a little routine, where every morning I ask him - ‘how are you today’, and most days he ranks himself as an 8/10 - once we have been off the chemo a few days, that is.

We continue to look for options for the next steps in his treatment, new therapies that may be in clinical trials for this type of cancer.  Luckily this is where I can help in advocating for Richard.  We all have an important role to play to support him, keep him laughing, keeping his spirits up and we are so grateful for all the outreach and acts of kindness from all of our family, our friends and peers.  

This past week, there was a focus on mental health with #BellLetsTalk day. One of the key messages of this campaign is about the value of listening and how simple kindness can make a world of difference.  They note it can be a smile, or an invitation for coffee and a chat and asking how you might help.  We find that the fact you are reaching out to us and we know you are there for us, being good listeners is just amazing and greatly appreciated.  

So how do we feel now that this first line of chemotherapy for his cancer is now over?  We are grateful the chemo did what it was supposed to do and the cancer is stable (though it would have been better if it was gone!).  We are doing our best to live and enjoy life as normally as possible with many adventures to be thrown in along the way. 

Most of all, we are fighting to beat the average!  

Here’s to all of the outliers out there  - CHEERS

  

Let's be extraordinary!  Still Kitchen Dancing with you,

Love always,

Michelle