Stuck in Neutral

Currently I find myself stuck in neutral.  Not really able to really move forward. There are so many things that we would like to do as a couple and as a family but for the moment can't really move forward because of the uncertainty of what is next in my cancer journey.  It is difficult to really plan too far in advance. My current three week cycle of treatment doesn't really allow for long term planning. For one of those three weeks I'm literally tied down to chemotherapy, the second week to recover, and while the third week is good, you are already psyching up for it to start all over again.  This is hard on me, and doubly so for our family.  As well, we don't really know what the future holds, so it basically means that we are planning week by week, cycle by cycle for now.

I can't return to life before my cancer diagnosis and can't really move forward in any great capacity either.  My current focus really needs to be on the present. This leaves me stuck in neutral. This is frustrating for me as I am the type of person that wants to move forward and get things done!

Daily Life Routines

Life goes on. The predictability of daily life helps to keep you busy. There are always things to do around the house. It never seems to end. I have even begun to get to those 'tasks' that we have been putting off years. Cleaning closets & cupboards, organizing files etc. You know you are getting bored when you actually get to these items!

I must remember that there are really two reasons for my current feelings of being stuck in neutral. 

I sometimes forget that I just recently retired in June, from a career of over 30+ years in education. The impact of this change means I am just now adjusting to this new, slower pace of life. I must say that I miss working. I miss the action, the busy days, the interactions with students, staff and families. Some days were overwhelmingly busy, to the point of exhaustion. Working as a principal in an elementary school can be very chaotic and busy. Dealing with all of the issues and concerns that come forward each day but your day was never boring or neutral!  I must remind myself that this adjustment period is part of the process of retirement which would have happened regardless of my current circumstances.

The second reason is my cancer diagnosis. This has definitely thrown a curve ball into my retiring planning. It has meant a revision to our current bucket list plans. Some of our dreams, wishes and hopes for the future are currently on hold but that doesn't mean that we can't enjoy life's pleasures.

Bucket List Revised

Prior to my diagnosis, Michelle and I created a bucket list of all of the places we wanted to visit or revisit after retiring. In a matter of a few minutes our list had grown to at least fifteen places all around the world. We love to travel! Having three kids in university over the past five years has really limited our ability to go on any major holiday excursion.  For my retirement, Michelle had arranged for us to go to New York City to attend the US Open (both being tennis fans, one of our retirement dreams was to visit each of the four major grand slam tennis tournaments) as well as go to see Billy Joel in concert at Madison Square Gardens. Even though we didn't want to accept it, we soon realized that traveling out of country was not the best option, and for the moment, put this trip on pause.

With my diagnosis, most of our bucket list plans have come to a pause. I use the word pause instead of cancelled because our hope is that we can reactivate this bucket list in the future.  So for now, we are currently revising our bucket list. Finding special events, activities and moments to share with each other closer to home. Lots of great memories have already been made and we are planning many more!

This is not to say that we haven't achieved many of our bucket list items already.

This week we purchased last minute tickets to see Elton John in Toronto. This is something that we would have never done in the past. We are not last minute people, but we had so much fun! This is something we are going to have to do more often now. Be spontaneous, be willing to go with the flow and just do it!

My advice to all is not to wait! Start checking off your bucket list items now. There will never be enough time, money or circumstances that are just right. Expand your bucket list to include events that are close to home and easy to achieve.

Remember, enjoy life and all of your adventures while you are healthy and able to enjoy them with your family and friends.

Richard