A Blessing and a Curse

This week has been both a blessing and a curse for me and my family.

The rollercoaster ride that cancer can take you on is always mixed with both positive and negative news. There are ups and downs, highs and lows and sometimes you can experience both in the very same day! Small victories and minor defeats are part of life as a patient with cancer, especially a stage 4 cancer patient. As a family we try to celebrate the victories and downplay the defeats. We pray for as many small victories along the way as possible. We are thankful that we have had a few!

This week we experienced both a small blessing (at least we think it is) and a minor curse (hopefully). In a previous blog I mentioned that my medical team has been monitoring a small tumour in my brain that they were unsure of whether or not was cancerous.  Last week I had my next scheduled MRI followed by my consult with my radiation oncologist . I am pleased to report that they feel that this tumour is not cancerous. They will continue to monitor it but its a small victory! We take it when we can get it!

On the concerning side, my hiccups have returned and are becoming more frequent during eating. It is becoming difficult to eat tough meats like steak or well done meats. At the moment, I seem to be able to tolerate other meats but need to cut them into smaller pieces and eat them slowly. My years in education (both as a teacher and administrator) have trained me to eat fast (and usually on the go!). I have had to slowly retrain myself to slow down while eating. Still a work in progress according to my family. 

In my blog post Food, Glorious Food! I talk about how I had to change to a liquid only diet. Let me tell you that this is something that I hope I don't have to return to. A liquid only diet is not something that I would wish on anyone. Don't get me wrong, I will struggle through it if I have to.

When I start to hiccup at the dinner table or have difficulty eating, you can see the look of concern on the faces of my family members. This is probably due to the fact that it reminds us all of how my cancer journey began and what it has taken away from our lives already. My hope is that this is only a small set back. Only time will tell what is in store for me regarding food. In the meantime, we will consider this a minor curse and hope for the best. I will continue to eat all my favourite food (minus the well done steak) until the point where this may not be possible.

I encourage you to savour the flavours of your favourite foods (don't take them for granted) and enjoy the social interactions that eating together with others (family & friends) provides. Celebrate your blessings, no matter how small, and don't forget to enjoy your steak (LOL).

Richard

Our Photographer

This week's blog is courtesy of My Michelle .

Our home is filled with photographs.  Some are framed and covering most of the available table tops and walls.  Some are in boxes and stored on shelves, in drawers and under dressers.  Lots are on hard drives and stored electronically.  Many are school age photos of our kids, the trusty photo shoots from Sears, proud memories of proms and graduations (our own and our kids), birthdays, anniversaries and family holiday times together. Images that chronicle important events and candid moments in our lives together.

And then you come up the stairs and turn the corner and you see a collection of a different kind, a gallery sampling of some fine quality photography - mainly wildlife, flowers and birds, taken by Richard.   His other personal favourite images to post are "food", and he has been known for posting on facebook some of the more grand Sunday roast dinners and various baking challenges we've might have gotten up to over the years - and there were many!  He actively posts his images on various social and photo club platforms, some have over 30,000 views. Many are very, very good.  I've encouraged him to sell some of the images, but he is reluctant to do so, and I always wondered why.

I myself am not much of a photographer- I'll take a selfie now and again, capture a moment on my phone of something that takes my eye, but generally that job has fallen to Richard to capture the special family moments and memories.  A role not limited only for our immediate family, but our extended family as well.  We  often tease him, our personal papparazzi, as he was always snapping photos, taking so many, to get that perfect one!  But as life goes, and with so much having changed, people who have left us, looking back through all of the images, we are all so glad we have them, and importantly, that he took them.  

Now the challenge with always being the photographer, is you are behind the camera and not as often in front of the camera. So as much as you are a part of the event, with the eye of an artist,  knowing the people so well, and in that quest to capture the perfect moment, he's not always in the photograph! Richard invested in a tripod with a remote control so in recent times, we were able to get all of us in a number of shots, or we would take turns taking the snaps.

I have always been a little cavalier about photos, happy to have them after they are done, glad I bought all of those Sears portfolios of the kids (I was always a sucker to buy the whole thing!), grateful to have them all and the meaning of life they truly represent.   I've never been a person to create reams of photo albums, or scrapbooks, was always too busy or had other things to do.  As organized and a planner as Richard is, surprisingly he didn't push for this either.  But now we plan to go through those boxes and get things in order, print off some of our favourites that currently exist in the digital world, and give some away to others who may enjoy them and take comfort in "remembering when"

Now I get it, especially as you face how fleeting and fragile life can be, the value of capturing those photos. I am so glad he did.  I also get why he doesn't want to sell some of his more artistic ones.   They are a part of him, the things he saw that had some beauty or interest to him personally, something that spoke to him.

Keeping his love in our photographs, my photographer.  

             

Richard's Flickr Photo Gallery

Love, Michelle

Gone Fishin'

This week we had the good fortune to be able to get away for a few days to a cottage on Lake Musoka in Gravehurst, Ontario. It was a glorious few days up in beautiful cottage country. I had forgotten how majestic it was up in Musoka. A true Canadian paradise. This was all made possible thanks to the generosity of a work friend and her family who graciously let us stay at her family cottage. This was my week off of chemotherapy and we took advantage of the time off and freedom, to get away. This cottage trip was a wonderful reprieve from our everyday routines and weekly appointments and provided us with a glorious, picturesque location (as we have not been venturing out much these days) to rest, relax and enjoy family time together. We all seemed to enjoy the serenity, the quiet and the chance to be one with nature again. Nothing makes you slow down and count your blessing like a trip to the cottage.

One of the highlights of the trip was the fishing! When I was younger my family owned a cottage and we spent most of my summers there and I used to go fishing almost everyday. I loved to troll the shores of the lake for bass, pike and perch. It was a great lake to catch fish. They always seemed to be biting. My parents sold the cottage when I was in my early twenties. At the time, I was focused on my new life and didn't visit the cottage that often. It was becoming too much for my parents to handle, so they sold it. I have always regretted it. Once we moved to York Region my opportunity to go fishing diminished considerably. I have not really gone fishing in a boat since 2012. Thanks to my wonderful work friends, they arranged for Jon, Josh and I to have a guided fishing excursion on Lake Muskoka (the girls opted to lounge on the deck, lakeside). Our guide Mike took us on his professional fishing boat to all the great fishing spots on the lake. I even bought a new fishing rod, reel and tackle box full of new lures. I always wanted to take the boys fishing and this was my chance. We had a great morning of fishing and caught a variety of fish including walleye, bass, pike and perch. So glad they were biting that morning. Nothing better than that feeling when a fish takes your bait- fish on! As you

can see from the smiles on their faces, I think the boys had a good time! We caught enough for a great fish fry. The girls meanwhile enjoyed their time on the dock, reading and relaxing with their morning coffee- and there may have been a trip into town.

We also enjoyed a quick trip into Gravenhurst later that day to do a bit of sightseeing and shopping too. In the evening, we made a reservation on the patio at a local restaurant and had a wonderful dinner on the patio with all five of us. It just doesn't get any better than that. Although the time in Muskoka was short, we made the most of it and enjoyed every minute.

You might be asking at this point, what does this have to do with cancer. I might have asked the same thing reading this blog. The answer is absolutely nothing! Sometimes you just want to forget about cancer (even just for a few days). This wonderful trip allowed my family to forget all about cancer, our medical issues and worries for just a few days and simply enjoy our beautiful country in all its natural glory and quiet time together with each other. What more can you ask for. Words can not express how much this time away meant to me personally and

how much I enjoyed our much needed quiet time together by the lake. We are already planning our next excursion for my next week off chemo in the middle of August. Hopefully it will include more chances to go fishing (and shopping :) ) too!

Life is better at the cottage!

Richard

I'll get by with a little help from my friends!

For this week's blog, I wanted to take some time to let you know, just how much of a difference it makes to me to be able to connect with each and every one of you.  I can honestly say, that if it was not for the support of my family, friends & colleagues, I do not think I would have made it this far and be here today. My determination and will power not only comes from you all, it truly amplifies it. It can be so easy to just give up, feel defeated and let cancer win. There are moments when you are so tired and emotionally drained that you start to lose hope and for a split second feel 'what is the point in fighting this battle, when the outcome is already determined for you'. But then there are moments of hope, of optimism, of resilience that push you to fight on. To fight for every extra day that you get, to fight for the chance to continue to experience more of life's moments, to fight to not be the "typical patient". Often these sparks of optimism and resiliency come when I am thinking of my family and friends. I want to be here to experience life with you all. You all make me want to fight on!

I am so very thankful for the outpouring of support that I continue to have from so many of you. Words can't adequately express what it really means to me and to my family. To have someone take the time out of their own busy lives to drop a note, a text, a call, leave a blog comment, reach out, take time to have a coffee, this is overwhelming to me.  It means the world to me to know that others are thinking about and praying for me and my family. I often think and worry about those that do not have a support network behind them like I do. We all need an army of support to continue our cancer battle. Who is pushing them to keep up the good fight? Who is giving them the positive messages of support and encouragement? We all need someone to be our advocate and champion. 

We don't often realize that the small gestures that we show towards others can make such a big difference in their lives. A simple smile, a hug (when we can hug again!), a text or email or letter, a phone call, or an offer of support can truly make a difference. I am humbled by those that have reached out that I have not had contact with for many years. Those that have taken the time to reach out to me and offer their support. Old work and high school colleagues, old friends that we have lost contact with, all reaching out and cheering me on. I know this is not easy, I know it's hard to know what to say.  For me, I feel I am truly blessed. 

Fighting cancer can be a lonely battle, even with family and friends by your side, but knowing that others 'have your back' and are quietly or vocally supporting you in their thoughts and prayers, helps to keep you going. 

The little photo of the friendship plaque, is a piece that hangs in our kitchen, a gift from a kind lady years ago and was given to us as a "thank you" and is a memory of such fun times shared. A small token, but one that we hang proudly in our home and is a reminder of the power of friendship. She too is fighting her cancer battle "across the pond" and we think of her and her family often and wish her well.  It was the perfect image for today's blog.

Thanks to all for your ongoing support and encouragement. It is making a difference. 

Oh, and I get by with a little help from my friends! 

Richard

Fireworks - It's not what you think!

 This week's blog post was written on Tuesday, June 30th.

I am writing this blog post sitting in my chemo chair in the cancer centre on this glorious Tuesday morning. This week I was fortunate to have a chemo chair by the window overlooking the beautiful newly planted hospital gardens, with a blue sky and the sun shining so brightly over the town of Newmarket. If I wasn't sitting here in this chair right now, I would most certainly be sitting by our pool drinking my second cup of coffee, talking with Michelle and watching the birds in our backyard take their morning bath in our birdbath. Being here, stuck in this chair, gives me lots of time to think, contemplate and write.  My treatment today will last 2.5 hours. I am currently in my second round of treatment in this new series. My new chemotherapy plan calls for weekly chemo infusions in a three week cycle. Every fourth week I have a week off. Yay!

I found out that I don't need a PICC line installed on my arm this time. This means no bottle buddy ! I sure don't miss him. (For those of you that don't know who bottle buddy is, it was the nickname given to my portable chemo bottle that I had to wear for a week at a time during my last series of chemotherapy). Having no bottle buddy means that I can still go swimming, take showers without assistance and wear short sleeved t-shirts. Wonderful news for sure, especially over these hot summer days. For the moment, I am free to enjoy all that summer offers.

Internal Fireworks

My side effects this time seem to be a little harsher. The days following my treatment have been tiresome. I'm not as energetic (hyper) as I usually am. I seem more irritable and 'grumpy'. At times I have what can best be described as 'mini fireworks' happening inside my body. These little 'sparks' or 'zaps' seem to be most intensified in my legs & arms but sometimes they occur throughout my body. They are not really painful but do cause some discomfort and are surprising at times. It's like I am having my own mini Canada Day fireworks display going on inside my body, lol.  Luckily, so far, I still don't have any nausea or vomiting. This is great news to me.  I also have infrequent numbness in my arms and hands, but overall I do feel fortunate to still have mostly minor side effects at this time. We shall see how it goes as we continue these treatments. Fingers crossed it stays this way.

As I sit here in my chair, I sometimes sneak a little peak at the other cancer patients in their chairs. It is really hard not to do this as you are literally sitting directly across from another patient and there also five others in close proximity. Why are these chairs always full? It always amazes me the number of people that are here. I arrived at 8:30 a.m. this morning as one of the first patients to be seen and by 9:15 all of the chairs were full. There is definitely not a lot of privacy here. Sometimes you see other cancer patients sneaking a peek back at you too. Your eyes make contact for a brief moment. What are they thinking? Probably the same think that I am thinking, why are you here? As I look around the room at some of the other patients receiving their treatment, many of them look very frail, quite pale and seem exhausted from their treatments. This makes me feel like an imposter. I on the other hand have a nice summer tan happening and am generally quite chipper during treatment. If you saw me, you could never tell that I have cancer. This reminds me how important it is to remember that we can't always see the burdens that others are carrying with them. It is so important to treat others with kindness because you don't know what others are going through.

As the time passes in the chair and I sit here listening to music and continue to write this blog post, I hope and pray that these treatments are all worth it. Will they really make a difference? I am openly agreeing to have toxins administered into my body to fend/fight off my cancer. Will they help to stop the spread of my disease? Only time will tell. Right now this is my best and only defence in this important fight. 

It's time to keep calm and carry on! I only have a few more minutes left in treatment until I can enjoy that cup of coffee with Michelle in the backyard! This morning, with you, having coffee.

Richard