Celebrations & Milestones

Throughout the year we all celebrate milestone events like birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, retirements and graduations. These moments in time give us a chance to celebrate, recognize and highlight a happy or important event in ours or someone else's life. We all need these special moments. They provide us with joy, bring family and friends together and give us positive memories to cherish and remember for a lifetime. This week alone, Michelle and I will be celebrating our 32nd wedding anniversary and my 56th birthday. This year, many of us are feeling a little less celebratory, like we are missing out on a 'full' celebration due to the current restrictions and limitations. I say keep on celebrating!  

Last June was such a busy month for us so we decided not to formally celebrate our wedding anniversary. I was retiring (and we had lots of events & parties to attend), Michelle's mom's health was not well, and we had many other things happening so we decided to not go out for dinner or plan anything special like we normally do for our anniversary and instead we planned to combine it with our retirement trip. Unfortunately my health got in the way and we had to cancel our retirement/anniversary travel plans.  As a result, we do regret not taking the time to go out for that wonderful, romantic dinner for two or plan a special getaway weekend. We have had so many wonderful adventures, special dinners and moments during past anniversaries. This year, we are not able to go out for dinner or book a special getaway due to COVID-19. Instead we had our own romantic dinner for two on our deck (with the occasional visit throughout the evening from each of our three children). A beautiful evening was had, and actually it was much better than a table for two at a crowded restaurant. The lesson learned here is to make memories and moments wherever you are or whatever the circumstances. 

October is birthday month at the Erdmann household!  We have three birthdays in quick succession during the month. First off is Sophie, followed by Joshua and finally it is Michelle's birthday by mid October. We often say that it is our birthday cake month. After cake number two we sometimes say, do we really need another birthday cake? The answer is always Yes! Yes we do!  

"A good life is a collection of happy moments." ~ Denis Waitley

If you are lucky enough to have children, you will be celebrating many milestones for sure. I truly miss those baby and early years when the milestone events seemed to happen almost on a daily basis. First laugh, first words, first steps, first day of school, losing that first tooth and many more.

Jonathan, Joshua and Sophie are the pride and joys of our life. Michelle and I are immensely proud of each of them in their own unique ways. Through triumphs and pitfalls, through good times and bad, through the ups and downs of daily life we continue to be amazed at their resilience and positive outlooks on life. We hope this never changes.  We can honestly say that they have grown to be thoughtful, caring and responsible young adults. Michelle and I have always focused on family first, sometimes missing out on a personal goal or achievement to support our children. We have no regrets. It was well worth it. Each of them has provided us with the stories of our lives. We love them dearly. 

All of my fondest memories have involved my family and friends. They bring true meaning to life. When family & friends get together to eat, drink, talk (and even sometimes dance) it brings a smile to my face. Family reunions at the cottage, pot luck dinners, pool parties, family bbqs, boat rides in the bay, breakfasts at the local diner with your friends, these are the moments to hold dear. 

We all recognize milestones or significant events for a reason. They bring joy and happiness, they provide us with lasting memories. They bind us together. Despite our current situation that we all find ourselves in, don't pass on the opportunity to make new special moments with your family & friends (when we are allowed to) durning these challenging times. You never know when you will lose your chance to do so.

"Life should not only be lived, it should be celebrated". ~ Osho

Celebrate! 

Richard

Remember When.......

This week's blog comes courtesy of My Michelle. 

This coming week, Richard and I will be celebrating 32 years of marriage.  You know how people always say, "where did the time go", "it seems like it was just yesterday", or "you haven't changed at all".  Well a few weeks back, Richard and Jonathan rigged up our old VCR and we watched our wedding video from 1988.  Well, it was definitely 32 years ago and  we definitely have changed!  But, it was really so much fun to talk to the kids about the "back story" and relive the memories of that day.  

There is something so magical in memories and telling stories of times gone by to your kids.  Its an enduring thing in families I think.  I know my brothers and sisters and I loved to hear my mom's version of how she and my dad had met back in the 50's, how they had met at a barn dance, how he had asked her to dance and she turned him down!  Dad would tease her and tell another version of the story, and well, long story short and after much eye rolling, thank goodness dad persevered and the rest, as they say, is history!  We were digging through some old documents the other day that Richard's mom had saved and came across some love letters from his dad to his mom that she had lovingly saved.  So happy we have these memories to share and pass on to our children, the stories of our lives.

One of the great things about our wedding video is how it captured the music, the dancing, all the fun that we remembered during our reception. Seeing all the disco dance moves, watching that crazy conga line, all of the bridesmaids in their beautiful blue dresses swirling about the dance floor.  Pure Magic!  Re-living the beautiful speeches, words of advice and wishes from our loved ones.  Then there we were: so young, so optimistic, the world at our feet.  Richard had graduated from teaching at Queen's the day before, and I had just completed my third year. We were in such a hurry to get started and share our lives together.

I guess it is only natural heading into this anniversary to be particularly thoughtful and remembering days gone by.  We have a shadow hanging over us all for sure, as we battle through these days.  For us it is a battle for time and preserving Richard's health.  We have scans, tests and treatments that create a great deal of anxiety for all of our family. It is as much an emotional and mental battle as it is a physical one.  What helps?  As you surely know by now, we love music and dancing.  One of our favourite songs is an oldie by Alan Jackson called "Remember When", a tear jerker for sure.  It is truly a song suited to anniversaries and about a love and life well shared.  

If I could, I'd still do it all again!  

Put on the music Richard, meet me in the kitchen and let the dancing continue!

And we'll remember when.

Love Michelle

Anticipating a perfect summer day!

We are so happy that the weather has finally improved and we can all get outside and enjoy some sun in the backyard. It has been a long few weeks being cooped up in the house. Cabin fever was beginning to set in for sure for us.

Michelle and I love to garden. It gives us great satisfaction to clear away the dead debris from our gardens and around our pool to see the perennials and hosta plants trying to peek out towards the sun. We swear that they grow a few centimetres by the end of that first day of cleaning. We love to go to the nursery and pick out our vegetable patch plants and our beautiful hanging baskets the colours and aromas in the nursery are a sure sign of Spring. Luckily the nurseries have been allowed to open this week so we can get to visit them.

We take great pride in our backyard oasis. It takes several days to get it back into shape after the winter. We are amazed at how quickly the weeds can grow (faster then the perennials for sure) in the gardens and in between the interlocking stones.  This week we bought four yards of mulch and have been topping up the beds with it. Amazing what a light topping of rich, black mulch can do to control the weeds and make it look so good. I am thankful that I am still able to fully work in the garden and am really surprised that my stamina remains (although I must admit that I can't go at the pace that I once did). No full out energizer bunny mode however. Slow and steady wins the race, right?

Another sure sign of spring is our annual pool opening. We opened our pool late last year and regretted it, as the warm weather came early and we missed out on a few good weeks in & by the pool. This year we decided to open the pool early. That was a mistake. We have had several days of snow (yes snow) and rain since it has opened. We decided not to turn on the heater. You can't win! We hope to finally turn on the heater this weekend and begin to fully enjoy our pool. Lounging by the pool is so relaxing. It is one of our favourite things to do in our backyard.

Our BBQ has already been busy grilling a variety of menu items. We are currently in the middle of an Erdmann family rib fest contest. Jonathan, Joshua and Michelle have all had a turn so far making their own dry rub and bbq rib sauces. It has been a close and delicious contest for sure. I'm not sure I can top those rib sauces but I will give it a try later this month. We haven't had our pizza oven on the bbq yet but maybe we will be able to get it going this weekend. We are also excited for our first bonfire of the season. Nothing is better then sitting around a crackling fire, roasting marshmallows and watching the glowing flames dance in the moon light. 

Finally it is almost badminton season. We can't wait! The Erdmann's love badminton and we take it very seriously. Our net broke last year so we are a bit delayed in the start of the season. If you happen to get a glimpse of us playing you will most likely witness a gentle game of 'how many volleys can we get over the net' quickly turn into a spike drive battle where the birdie usually ends up torpedoed into someone's body. Don't be fooled, we are fierce badminton players. Watch out! 

I am hopeful that I will still be able to participate fully in these wonderful family outdoor activities this summer. At the moment it looks very promising. My health has been good and I am able to fully participate in all of them at this time. I hope it stays that way! These activities allow us all the time to take our mind off of our current circumstances. They are a wonderful distraction for sure. They bring us joy and bring our family together. More great memories.

Sunshine is the best medicine!

I hope that you are enjoying your backyards and families too. Make new memories and treasure those moments you make together.

Richard

Unsinkable! #Unsinkable

A big thank you to Unsinkable for sharing my story and my personal cancer blog!  You can find my article under the Neighbourhood Heroes section. The article is called Fighting Cancer with Positivity. Check it out if you get a chance.  

Thanks to all for following my journey!

Richard

This Morning, With You, Having Coffee

This week's blog comes courtesy of My Michelle.

I love coffee!  

That promise of the perfect cup of dark roast delight, is one of the things I look forward to every morning.  I come by this love of strong coffee quite honestly.  We always used to joke that my father made coffee so strong the spoon would practically stand up in it!  Richard's family too were big coffee drinkers, and I remember when we were newlyweds and would be home in Kingston visiting from our jobs in Toronto, and Richard's mom Doreen would come over to visit and bring donuts, calling out "Ronnie put the coffee on".  He surely would, and we would have much fun, laughter, talking and getting caught up over a pot or two.  We were so lucky that both our families got along so well.

When our children were young, and life was very busy, I looked forward to precious Sunday mornings when the kids slept in a little longer (with any luck), Richard slept in, and I was able to slip outside with my steaming cup of coffee, Darcy laying by my feet. I would just sit by the pool and watch the morning unfold and I would take the time to think, to plan and to dream.

Despite all that we are going through these days, Richard and I always take time together in the morning, and enjoy our coffee.  It is our special time to gradually wake up with the day, to share moments in quiet conversation while the rest of the household and the world still sleeps.

This morning, with you, having coffee - the best part of my day.

Love Michelle

Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming!

Throughout my educational career I have always tried to highlight and champion the ideas around growth mindset, perseverance and grit. I truly believe that a sincere focus on these traits can help to support goal achievement and overall success in life. I have had many opportunities to witness first hand examples where this has been the case. More recently I have witnessed one of the best examples of the power of perseverance, grit and determination right here at home, through our daughter Sophie.  

To me, Sophia exemplifies the qualities of perseverance, grit and determination. She has definitely inherited some of this from her mother and I, but she has taken it to a whole new level!  Daily we witness her efforts to set goals, organize, prioritize and execute on her plans. Sophie sets high standards for herself and plans out exactly how she is going to achieve and maintain these goals, and utilizes bullet journalling extensively to stay on track. I am truly impressed with the time Sophie spends detailing her daily, weekly and monthly goals and objectives through her bullet journal.  

Recently Sophie started up a small, online business called Opal and Fern Designs (sorry proud father moment here!) which features artisan bullet journalling stickers and other items that she herself crafted and uses in her own daily journalling. To me this has been a perfect pairing of her talents! She is using her artistic ability and her focus on goal setting to her advantage.  I believe that her business serves multiple purposes. First it provides an outlet for her creativity. Sophie has always been doodling, drawing and creating art from an early age. She loves the Arts, hence taking Art History as one of her majors in university. Secondly, it provides a small income for her. She has been saving up money to attend a university class in Venice, Italy. (currently postponed until next year due to recent flooding and COVID-19). Finally, I personally feel that starting up and maintaining her online sticker shop has offered her a distraction from our current family situation. Sophie has always been a quiet, shy person who avoids conflict and uncertainty. Her intense focus on her university studies and her sticker company allows her a way to express herself artistically, a way to get out of being stuck in neutral, and an escape from our current family reality.

I am so impressed with Sophie's ability to maintain focus, to persevere, to strive to achieve her goals and dreams despite all of the obstacles and barriers that have recently plagued our family. Regardless of our current circumstances, she continues to be laser focused on her university studies. She has a clear plan for her future and is working hard to achieve her goals. Starting up a small online business while maintaining a high calibre university level is an amazing achievement. We are all so impressed and proud of her.  She is our superstar!  We all get very involved in her success and her business, so excited when we see a sale come through on her ETSY shop, fascinated to see the global reach of her business, and all have tips and input - some she has welcomed, others not so much lol!

I continue to worry about her and the rest of my family as the effects of my cancer diagnosis and prognosis continue to take a toll on all of us, not physically but mentally and emotionally. It has been difficult for all of us. Each family member is trying to deal with it the best that they can in their own unique ways. Sophie seems to have found a way to cope with it through the Arts (her passion). She has even got our whole family painting on canvases in our kitchen during this time of isolation to keep us busy and help distract us. 

Like Sophie, I too try to find ways to distract myself and continue to try to maintain positive momentum. My personal determination to stay strong and persevere while dealing with my cancer journey is what I believe has kept me going all this time. Despite the many setbacks and obstacles that have come my way over the past six months I try to push through them and keep going. 

As both Michelle, and Dory from Finding Nemo keep saying,  "Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming"! 

Richard

Home Movies - Treasuring the Moments

Like all of you, we are trying to find ways to fill our days now that we are basically sequestered at home for the foreseeable future. As I had previously mentioned in my post Spring Cleaning- Got Junk! , I have been slowly cleaning our basement, which has 20+ years of boxes and discarded items to go through. It has been an overwhelming, tedious task for sure, sorting and sifting through the boxes, bins and collections of stored items. A lifetime of memories are stored down there. It has resulted in some exciting discoveries. 

A few days ago, our son Jonathan came down to the basement to check on me as I have been trying to go downstairs for an hour our two each day to keep the cleaning momentum going (after taking a few weeks off). It has given me a purpose or job to do each day during these long days at home. Jon quickly noticed that I had uncovered one of my old video recorders, along with a box of video cassette tapes and even a collection of old film reels from my childhood. Jon, being a film affcionado and a lover of all things to do with movies and technology, immediately brought these items upstairs and was trying to figure out how to get them operational again. In no time, he had the video camera charging, figured out how to link it up to the flat screen and we were ready to go.

We decided to have a viewing party that night. Having not taken the time to label the video cassettes when I should have years ago, each cassette was a mystery tape. Child birth, birthday parties, christenings, family BBQ's, even surprise videos that my parents had taken on their trips and vacations that I have never seen before. What a discovery.

Our now adult children were mesmerized at seeing themselves as babies and during their toddler years. What a treasure it was to be able to show them what they were like back then. Michelle and I had almost forgotten their baby voices, their actions and reactions. It was great to see and hear them at this age again. Our kids couldn't get over how young Michelle and I looked- mind you, we think we hadn't changed at all (lol). In some of the videos, we were close to the same age as Jon is today. 

These videos took us back in time, so sad but also wonderful to see family that have now passed on, to re-live family celebrations, moments that were captured on video that might have been forgotten forever. It was wonderful to hear our children's voices, how they they giggled and spoke as young children and to hear the voices of those family members that had passed on or changed due to health. The videos also showed the little nuances and activities going on in the background.  Photographs could never capture those for us to remember. In this age of instant Snapchat photos and fifteen second phone video clips - home movies are a dying art!

I have to admit that I got very emotional watching these videos. Many of these videos had me choked up and almost in tears and Michelle had to leave the room. Not only because of the emotions of the memories that can flooding back to me while watching them but also because I began to think about the events and moments that I would not be a part of in the future. Cancer will eventually rob me of my chance to be apart of making memories with my family. I resent this. I have to admit that it makes me angry at times and melancholy too.

We are slowly working through the video cassette tapes, labelling them and hoping to hold video viewing parties every now and then. Next on the list is our wedding video and then going way back to the 8 mm movie reels so that our kids can see what life was like when dad was a baby. Luckily I also found the projector so that we can watch them too. Fingers crossed it still works.

I encourage you to dig up your old albums and home movies, spend some time looking through them. Set up a viewing party of your own. You will never regret the time you spend, the conversations that they ignite, the laughter and tears, the memories that come back to life before your eyes.  

Keep making memories, capturing & treasuring the moments.

Richard

The Power of Walking

This week’s blog comes courtesy of My Michelle.

“I’m walking, yes indeed and I’m talking, about you and me!” (Fats Domino)

Richard and I love to exercise and go to the gym, and while his current cancer battle, the restrictions due to COVID 19 and the important need for physical distancing has limited us somewhat, one thing we can definitely do is get outside and WALK!  And walk we do - often averaging 13-15,000 steps at a time. We are so fortunate to live here in Newmarket, where so much attention and planning has gone into creating and preserving greenspace and the provision of extensive walking trails. We walk on the path near our house and have a favourite loop we have mapped out, but we also venture out to the paths around Fairy Lake, the Tom Taylor Trail, as well as along the Nokiidaa Trail.  Appropriately, the word Nokiidaa comes from the Ojibwa and means “Walking Together”.  

On our treks we often run into many old friends and acquaintances, especially folks who know Richard from his 30 plus years in education - peers, families, former students. I actually do not think that I can think of one walk where we didn’t get a “Hi Richard! How are you!”. What’s also great about our walks, is that for the most part, I have Richard all to myself.  To hold hands, to link arms, to encourage him up the hills, to stop and take photos of a point of interest or two, and best of all, to talk. The conversations are different now, more focused on the here and now, logistics of appointments or treatments, things that need to get done, but always with a base of an unspoken appreciation of each other & treasuring our time.  

Lately our son Joshua has been joining us, and this takes the conversation to another place as he is always very concerned for Richard and how he is feeling, likes to see his dad active and walking, encouraging him to work through aches and pains, to keep moving.  Sometimes with physical distancing, I drop behind the two of them as we walk past others, and I love those moments actually, as I see them walk side by side, and I can see how similar they are, same walk, same posture, same stature. There is so much of Richard in each of our children, and I take comfort in that.  

The benefits of walking to your physical and emotional health and management of stress are undeniable. I find at times I am also able to work through issues and problems while I am walking, gaining clarity of thought.  Throw in some sunshine, the promise of some warmer

weather, your loved ones, and well it’s a win-win all around.

It's not where you walk, it's who walks with you.

So join us, lace up your runners, keep calm and walk on.

Love Michelle

Everyday Heroes

This week was cancer maintenance treatment week again. To be honest with you, I was a little nervous to go the the cancer centre at all, with the scary stories on the news and online about Covid-19, I really didn't know what to expect. I had visions of multiple sick patients with masks on, scattered throughout the hallways of the hospital, with frantic, tired hospital staff in full gear trying their best to cope with them all. The reality was the cancer clinic was extremely quiet, being isolated really from the rest of the hospital. In fact it was the least number of patients and staff that I have ever seen at the cancer centre (regrettably this is usually not the case).

I was comforted to find that several precautions were in place to support both the patients and staff at the hospital. As soon as you enter the cancer centre you are greeted by health care staff and security that ask you a series of questions, give you a squirt of hand sanitizer and send you on your way. On the chemotherapy floor, the waiting room chairs were segregated with caution tape to ensure that we all sat the required distance away from each other. All of the nursing staff seemed to be in fairly good spirits despite the pressure and stress that they must be under.  

Everyday Heroes

I am so impressed and thankful to all of the hospital staff that are working tirelessly to support all of us that are seriously ill. From the doctors and nurses, to the admitting staff, hospital cleaners, security and all the others that are working behind the scenes. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I can't imagine what you must be feeling and going through. You have your own families and anxious concerns, yet you come to work to support those of us that rely on you for our medical needs. Thank you!  

Other Local Heroes 

A big thank you to all those that are still working to keep our necessities of life going. Grocery staff, truck drivers, restaurant workers, warehouse workers, pharmacy staff, couriers, nursing home staff, news reporters, and the countless others that have been deemed essential by our government who continue to go to work each day. We thank you for keeping the essential goods, services & information flowing. Thank you!

Thank you also to my friends and colleagues that have been checking in on me and my family via phone calls, texts and emails. These ongoing connections are so important, but especially during these days of isolation for all of us. Even if we can't meet in person, checking in with each other is vital at this time. Thanks to those that have checked in on me. You will never know how much this means to me and my family. I have also tried to reach out to others to check on them to see if they are ok. We all need to do our part! 

Special Request

I have a special request of all of you reading this blog. I ask that you check in on at least two people each and every day (family, friends, neighbours and acquaintances) to see how they are coping during these difficult days. You chose the method (phone call, text, email, video conferencing etc.!) Together we can ensure that physical distancing doesn't mean social isolation and that it doesn't get the best of us!

Finally I would like to thank my online community of friends and followers for keeping me informed and entertained. It seems to be my 'go to' place for 'just in time' information and updates. I do try to limit my viewing of COVID-19 information updates. I don't know about you but the more I watch it, the more anxious I get! Thank goodness for all the creative tweets, posts, videos and blogs that help to distract us. I must say how impressed I am with the creativity of others online. Some make me laugh hysterically, others have me close to tears. Emotions are definitely running high these days.

We are certainly missing our Saturday night hockey games, missing the Toronto Maple Leafs, but all of this is the right thing to do.  

Remember let's keep a hockey stick apart! 

Richard

Uncertain Times

Wow! What a week!

I guess my questions from last week's blog SCAN-xiety have been answered! Social distancing and staying at home are the new norm for all of us, and it seems will remain that way for the foreseeable future. We are happy to report that we have not joined the frenzy for toilet paper hoarding and will not be joining the lines at Costco any time soon! We will be trying online grocery shopping again, doing lots of home cooking/baking and occasionally supporting local restaurants through take out.

How life has changed so quickly for all of us. Just last week we were free to come and go as we pleased. This week, we are all being asked to respect social distancing, to stay at home, avoiding going out into public unless absolutely necessary. We can view this as either a bother or a blessing. As a family, we choose to consider this a blessing! This has given us more time as a family. It has forced us to slow down. It has provided us with time to reflect (and even time for a few naps!) I must admit that we have been staying in our jammies for most of the morning. Another new normal I guess!  

It is definitely a scary time for all of us but especially for those of us that are immune compromised. 

Treatments and appointments must continue regardless of the growing pandemic around us! On Monday I went for an echocardiogram at the hospital. To be honest, Michelle and I were a little concerned about going to the hospital at all under the circumstances. When we arrived, we were greeted by two nurses and a security guard in full protective gear. We were asked a few questions, given some hand sanitizer and sent to the welcome centre to register. I have to say that I have never seen the hospital so empty and quiet. It was a bit eery. It is usually bustling with people and activity. My paperwork was ready as soon as we arrived on the second floor. Even when we got to the waiting room (which is usually packed with people), it was almost completely empty. I was seen almost immediately and we were in an out of the hospital, in less than 45 minutes. A new record I believe!

Next week, I need to return to the cancer centre for my maintenance treatment. I must admit that I am a little nervous about it. Not about the treatment itself, as I have had two already, but nervous about actually going into the hospital. I know that they will have safeguards in place, but I am still a little concerned about gathering with others, especially as the COVID-19 statistics keep increasing.  All cancer patients are immune compromised (and probably they and their loved ones all have the same worry). We must remember that hospital staff (our local heroes) are dealing with patients every day. They are putting their personal safety at risk each day, to help those of us in need. Our treatments are essential. My concerns and worries are not really an option at this point.  

I have always been impressed with the medical staff, support workers and volunteers at the hospital/cancer centre but I must say again how thankful I am for their courage and devotion to all of us that are ill. We can not thank them enough for their efforts.

On the home front, we are all managing well. All I can say is thank goodness for the internet! All of us have been surfing the net (probably more than we should be) but for the most part it has been a great distraction from the fear and anxiety that can creep in, if we let it. We are trying to limit the amount of time watching the news as this activity seems to strike more fear and anxiety rather than calm us down. We are going for a daily walk around the nature trails in Newmarket (keeping a safe social distance from others and trying to go out at non peak times). We are so fortunate to have this trail system in our town. These daily nature breaks help to lift our spirits, provide some much needed exercise and helps to reduce the chance of cabin fever setting in. A bonus side effect of self distancing and staying home for the most part has been that we are making more homemade meals (fresh bread, stews, soups, etc.) and having less take out. We even have been taking turns as a family making dinners. A second surprising bonus has been that for the most part, we have not yet got on each others nerves. I guess moments of self isolation (ie. the kids spending time in their rooms) has helped. Time will tell if this all changes. We will keep you posted. LOL.

Stay safe, stay strong! Stay positive!

#StaySafeStayHome  #socialdistancing 

Richard

SCAN-xiety

Last week I went for my second maintenance treatment at the cancer centre. After I had made myself comfortable in the infusion chair, the attending nurse asked me when was my last visit with my oncologist? I quickly explained that I had just visited him last Friday to get the results from my recent CT scan. She followed up with a question about the CT scan results. She was very careful to say it in a way that would be supportive regardless of my response (either positive or negative). Luckily I was able to give her a positive response this time. My recent CT scan results indicated no new growth of my tumours. This was, as I was told, good news. My oncologist was pleased with the results and booked a follow up CT scan in three months time.  

The nurse then went on to tell me about her friend, who had breast cancer and her reaction to these tests. She explained that her friend used to call the lead up to getting these test results as having "SCAN-xiety". This immediately resonated with me. This was so true. 

These scans are meant to give us an update on the progress or lack of progress in fighting this disease and yes, they can be very anxiety inducing. You never quite know what the results will be and the waiting time between the actual scan and seeing your oncologist about the results can be a nerve racking time. 

I believe (if my count is accurate) that I have had four CT scans and three MRI's since being diagnosed with cancer in August, along with a series of other tests and procedures. I previously talked about these tests in my blog post, Needles, Scans and Tests Oh My! For the most part, the results have been fairly positive but let me tell you that slow walk to the cancer centre that Michelle and I have taken several times over the past few months have been stressful and anxious each time. As I have stated, so far the results have been relatively positive (since the initial results that were a devastating blow to our family). We hope they stay positive for a long time!

New Anxiety

A new anxiety is fast emerging in our family and I am sure in your family as well. We are all now concerned about the Coronavirus. This is scary new territory for all of us but especially for those of us with lower immune systems, who are at higher risk according to Health officials. As a family, we are asking ourselves: Should I/we be going out in public? Do I/we shake hands with people?  How do we react when people lean in for a hug? Maybe with the social distancing request from Public Health, this will not be an issue for me. Do we need to join the frenzy and stock up on toilet paper and canned goods too?  Should I be going out, should I go out to restaurants, can we go to the mall with the concerns about large crowds? 

I guess for now we will take it day by day (as all of us must do) and make informed decisions about what is in the best interest of our family's health. I have to admit that these are scary times. 

We are trying to remain calm and stay positive. We hope that you are able to do the same.

Keep calm and hand wash on!

Richard

Trying to Find Joy, Everyday

This week's blog comes courtesy of My Michelle.

A couple of Christmases ago, Richard and the kids gave me a beautiful yoga mat and carry case which, until this week, still had the tags on it.  You see, it was one of those things I always wanted to try but could never quite find the time to do it. As a career woman and working mom, I could never quite find the interest to be apart from my family - time goes so quickly, the days were so long and full, and I really just wanted to spend time with them when I wasn’t working commuting or travelling. 

However, I recently had to recognize that as the caregiver, I needed to start paying attention and working to replenish my own personal self, so I could better manage for Richard and our family now, and in the future.  I needed to find some time to care for me too. So, I took a deep breath, I cut off the tags and registered for a beginner yoga class. I really enjoyed it! Not only from a fitness perspective, but for what I hadn’t expected, for the messages that really resonated with me when I needed them most of finding balance, practicing self care, believing in my self worth, celebrating love and joy. 

There is no doubt about it, from the onset of Richard’s symptoms when we knew something was not quite right, through to facing his diagnosis and dealing with his treatment,  this has all been so difficult. Seeing him everyday and what he is going through, affects us all deeply. As he fights the cancer, we are ever watchful, monitoring him for signs and symptoms, looking for any changes and with the future ever looming.

For me, it has been particularly hard to find the right balance between being a wife and partner, and a supporter. I have a need to protect and shelter him from harm, the need to try and find answers and options, to fix things, to support and protect our children and also to manage my own difficulty coping with this unwelcome re-writing of our future.

Last week, Richard wrote a blog called “Why am I still taking out the garbage?”.  From my perspective, some of my efforts have been to try and keep things as normal as possible for as long as I can.  So yes - you still have to take out the garbage Richard - it is not avoiding our situation, but rather a celebration, for now at least, this normalcy still exists! 

Cancer does not define Richard. Richard is joyful, loving hopeful, a strong life force with a tireless spirit. With or without cancer, he is the same person, who refuses to let cancer limit him or dictate his life.  

He gives me joy, everyday.

Namaste.

Love Michelle

Why am I still taking out the garbage?

Have you ever noticed that when you watch a movie or a t.v. show and the main character is given "just months to live", you see them jetting off to some far away, exotic location or they drop everything to fulfill their 'bucket/wish list' items. All of a sudden, they seem to live a carefree life with no responsibilities, expectations or commitments. They just blow their life savings in the process.

Why am I not jetting off to some far off location every other week? And why am I still taking out the garbage? 

Well, the reality is, for most of us with cancer, this is not an option. We have months of radiation and chemotherapy treatments, time needed to recover and concerns for infection. We have bills to pay, we have appointments to keep, we have other family members that have jobs, school, responsibilities and lives of their own too. We have daily tasks and chores that still need to get done.  We can't just jet off, as a family, and forget about everything else. It's not like the movies. Daily life must and should continue. This actually is what helps to keep us all sane. 

Daily life routines help to create a sense of normalcy in a time when life is anything but normal. Routines help us to fill our days and give us a sense of purpose (especially now that I am in retirement). Most of all, it helps to take our minds off of our 'situation' and find the strength to keep moving forward (who knew that taking out the garbage could do all this, lol).

Don't get me wrong, we do want to travel and explore. We are just trying to navigate the barriers in making this happen at this time now that my chemo is over and I am on maintenance.

Even if we wanted to go and explore all of our 'bucket list' locations, it is very difficult to secure travel insurance when you have a terminal illness. We would also need to schedule the trip between appointments. With the coronavirus concerns at the moment, we are thinking that this is not the best time to travel abroad.

Our hope it to have a wonderful family vacation (within Canada) in the near future. We are sorting out the time,  destination and working on logistics, but it will happen! We deserve it and really need something to look forward to as a family. 

So believe it or not, taking out the garbage, loading the dishwasher, getting groceries and shovelling the snow, is all helping in some small way to keep us moving forward. Moving forward is the only way to go!

There are so many wonderful places to see and visit right here in Canada. There are still a few places that we have not had the opportunity to explore. 

And besides, there is no place like home! 

Richard

Family is Everything!

This past Monday like most families in Canada, we celebrated Family Day. We were lucky enough to have all five of us home and off for the day. As well, Sophie was able to be with us, as it coincided with university reading week. This meant the Erdmann clan were all back together, even for a short while, under one roof again. 

This year, Family Day was a gloriously sunny winter day. Michelle, Sophie and I took advantage of the great weather and decided to go on a long walk to get some fresh air and to get in some exercise. Enough with hibernation!  We were tired of being cooped up due to the recent cold temperatures and decided to take advantage of the sunny day. We got in over 20,000 steps that day! I guess the lure of a warm Starbucks at the half way point of our walk, did the trick in keeping us motivated to keep walking. Unfortunately the Starbuck motivation did not entice Jonathan and Joshua to join us, preferring to sleep in!

"No family is perfect.... We argue, we fight. We even stop talking to each other at times. But in the end, family is family... The love will always be there!" ~ Author Unknown.

All families are unique. I don't know about your family but sometimes we struggle to get all five of us on the same page at the same time (this is often true when we are trying to select a restaurant to visit for dinner). We are five adults, living together with our own opinions and viewpoints, which don't always match.  We seem to have the unique ability to know exactly how to irritate one another and at the same time be able to say something that will bring us to tears of laughter.  Like the quote above states, we even stop talking to each other at times, but in the end we seem to find a way to forgive each other and move on. We do love each other so much, the love will always be there.

                      

At the moment, our family remains Stuck in Neutral.  It may be the time of year (the winter blahs) but I feel that it is more than that. We are all struggling with what the future holds. Our family seems to be staying strong and crumbling at the same time. 

Each of us are dealing with this cancer battle in our own way. From denial, to avoidance, to struggling to maintain a work focus, to moments of melancholy, back to resilience and hope. All of us have emotions that are on a wild rollercoaster ride. 

I wish my family didn't have this burden on their shoulders. Why do they have to deal with this? It doesn't seem fair. We try to put on a brave face but behind the scenes it can be difficult. We know the facts of my cancer. We know that all of these treatments and therapies are to extend my life, not cure it. 

Michelle and I have been honest with our children. We have told them the truth, right from the beginning, even though it was very difficult. They had a right to know. The truth is I have stage 4, inoperable, esophageal cancer. I am in palliative care. The uncertainty and the unknown of how much time is left can be stifling. We try to keep reminding ourselves that none of us really knows how much time we have left. There is alway hope, even when hope seems impossible. Staying positive is our only option.

Life is not always fair. Many families, like ours are dealing with or have dealt with this terrible disease. It seems that every time I turn on the t.v., read an online article or speak with someone, they have a cancer story to share. 

I can't imagine dealing with this disease without my family. I love them all so dearly. Our daily interactions may not always show it, but each of them gives me the strength and inspiration to continue to fight on! Really, we have no choice but to deal with this. I'm glad and thankful that I have my family by my side throughout this battle.

I'm going to be selfish here and say I want as much time as possible with them, even if we are not always 'the perfect family', we are a family that cares deeply for each other. Being perfect is overrated anyway!

My family is everything.

Richard

P.S. Yesterday, after 13 years, we lost an important member of our family. We had to say goodbye to our beloved dog, Darcy. I wrote about Darcy in my post Darcy- My Faithful Companion. We miss him deeply!