Stuck in Neutral

Currently I find myself stuck in neutral.  Not really able to really move forward. There are so many things that we would like to do as a couple and as a family but for the moment can't really move forward because of the uncertainty of what is next in my cancer journey.  It is difficult to really plan too far in advance. My current three week cycle of treatment doesn't really allow for long term planning. For one of those three weeks I'm literally tied down to chemotherapy, the second week to recover, and while the third week is good, you are already psyching up for it to start all over again.  This is hard on me, and doubly so for our family.  As well, we don't really know what the future holds, so it basically means that we are planning week by week, cycle by cycle for now.

I can't return to life before my cancer diagnosis and can't really move forward in any great capacity either.  My current focus really needs to be on the present. This leaves me stuck in neutral. This is frustrating for me as I am the type of person that wants to move forward and get things done!

Daily Life Routines

Life goes on. The predictability of daily life helps to keep you busy. There are always things to do around the house. It never seems to end. I have even begun to get to those 'tasks' that we have been putting off years. Cleaning closets & cupboards, organizing files etc. You know you are getting bored when you actually get to these items!

I must remember that there are really two reasons for my current feelings of being stuck in neutral. 

I sometimes forget that I just recently retired in June, from a career of over 30+ years in education. The impact of this change means I am just now adjusting to this new, slower pace of life. I must say that I miss working. I miss the action, the busy days, the interactions with students, staff and families. Some days were overwhelmingly busy, to the point of exhaustion. Working as a principal in an elementary school can be very chaotic and busy. Dealing with all of the issues and concerns that come forward each day but your day was never boring or neutral!  I must remind myself that this adjustment period is part of the process of retirement which would have happened regardless of my current circumstances.

The second reason is my cancer diagnosis. This has definitely thrown a curve ball into my retiring planning. It has meant a revision to our current bucket list plans. Some of our dreams, wishes and hopes for the future are currently on hold but that doesn't mean that we can't enjoy life's pleasures.

Bucket List Revised

Prior to my diagnosis, Michelle and I created a bucket list of all of the places we wanted to visit or revisit after retiring. In a matter of a few minutes our list had grown to at least fifteen places all around the world. We love to travel! Having three kids in university over the past five years has really limited our ability to go on any major holiday excursion.  For my retirement, Michelle had arranged for us to go to New York City to attend the US Open (both being tennis fans, one of our retirement dreams was to visit each of the four major grand slam tennis tournaments) as well as go to see Billy Joel in concert at Madison Square Gardens. Even though we didn't want to accept it, we soon realized that traveling out of country was not the best option, and for the moment, put this trip on pause.

With my diagnosis, most of our bucket list plans have come to a pause. I use the word pause instead of cancelled because our hope is that we can reactivate this bucket list in the future.  So for now, we are currently revising our bucket list. Finding special events, activities and moments to share with each other closer to home. Lots of great memories have already been made and we are planning many more!

This is not to say that we haven't achieved many of our bucket list items already.

This week we purchased last minute tickets to see Elton John in Toronto. This is something that we would have never done in the past. We are not last minute people, but we had so much fun! This is something we are going to have to do more often now. Be spontaneous, be willing to go with the flow and just do it!

My advice to all is not to wait! Start checking off your bucket list items now. There will never be enough time, money or circumstances that are just right. Expand your bucket list to include events that are close to home and easy to achieve.

Remember, enjoy life and all of your adventures while you are healthy and able to enjoy them with your family and friends.

Richard

Blessing or Burden?

Delayed One Week

Last Monday I went to get my blood work done in preparation for my second round of chemo. Blood work is usually done one day prior to chemo to ensure that you are healthy and strong enough for the treatment. When meeting with my medical oncologist to review the blood test results last week, I was surprised to find out that my white blood cells were lower then expected and he informed me that I would need to wait an additional week before I could start my chemo treatment. This came as a surprise as I felt healthy, optimistic and my eating has improved so much over the past week. I was concerned that this was perhaps a bad sign. I have only had one round of chemo so far, was my body not able to handle the strong chemo meds. What would this mean for me?

Blessing or Burden?

My chemo plan calls for one week of chemo and then two weeks off. During the chemo week, I spend one day in the hospital to get two out of the three medication intravenously. This takes approximately 5 hours in the hospital. The third medication is given to me at the end of the session in a bottle containing a balloon of medication. I take home the bottle and wear 24/7 for five days. It contains slow release meds. I plan my life around these treatments. I usually don't feel that great for three or four days after chemo day at the hospital and then gradually start to feel better. During the second and third weeks my health (and mood) improves so we use this time to get back to our 'to do' list and our 'bucket list' items. 

Michelle and I are planners. We like to make lists and schedule things. We have a white board in our kitchen to record upcoming events and use a monthly calendar to record appointments and important  dates to remember. Yes, we are both GOLD personalities.  We find that if you set objectives, write it down, we are more likely to make it happen. As well, with the multitude of appointments, we needed to find a way to keep track of them all. We keep a binder of print outs of all our appointments as well.  Thank goodness for dry erase boards! 

The uncertainty  of my appointment schedule and treatment plan, really creates limitations on these pre-made plans. One thing that is for sure, our lives are now much more unpredictable. This can cause additional stress for those of us that like to have a plan and be organized. We have had to adjust and modify on the fly. We have to adapt and change direction as needed. On the positive side this gives us a chance to live in the moment and be more spontaneous!  But definitely out of our comfort zone.

I have come to understand that many cancer patients have had to wait additional time between chemo treatments and that this is something to ensure that our bodies have recovered enough to be able to handle the next treatment.  The goal is to build up and strengthen, so it can handle being broken down again!  It is the darn cancer cells we want to kill out, but some healthy cells are collateral damage along the way.  It is difficult to wait as I want to move forward to try to remove this disease from my body as quickly as possible. Patience is needed.

So is it a blessing or burden to have to wait another week? I would have to say it is both. On the one hand clearly I am responding to the treatment, but on the other hand could a delay also give the cancer cells a chance to regroup?  Flexibility and patience are my new best friends. These are new character traits that I am learning to add to my repertoire!  

Richard

  

In those moments....

Once you hear the words, you have cancer, you really can't think or focus on anything else. It consumes your thoughts. It consumes your day. Most of your thoughts are focused on dealing with the daily issues this disease brings forth and the uncertainty of what your future holds.

There are however, moments when you forget, even for a few minutes that you have cancer.  I cherish these moments. Sometimes they are brief, only lasting a minute or two. Other times they last for longer periods of time. These moments allow me to dream again, to focus on others, to smile and laugh! You could easily spiral down into self pity and a sense of loss of hope. These moments help to refocus your attention on the positives and on possibilities.

I have found ways to help create these moments each day.

Time with Family & Friends

Spending time with my family helps to create these moments. One positive byproduct of this diagnosis is that our family is spending more quality time together. Family walks with our dog Darcy, kitchen conversations, reminiscing about important milestones or memories and frequent FaceTime video calls with Sophie (who is currently away at university) help to shift attention to others. My family has also been burdened with this cancer diagnosis. I'm sure it is on their minds each day. Difficult to escape from it. None of us chose to have this happen but we are forced to deal with it anyway. Trying to continue with normal family routines helps. Focusing on the positive helps. Celebrating small victories helps. Spending time with those that matter the most, definitely helps.

Friends and colleagues have been supporting me in so many ways. I am grateful to have them help me find ways to create these moments. From canoeing on the marsh, to boat rides on Lake Simcoe, to friendly axe throwing competitions. Meeting for coffee, having great conversational walks, text messages; they all help to distract.

Music

Music has always been a way to escape for me. I enjoy many different genres of music from rock to country. From classical to top 40. Music releases stress for me. It allows me to escape the troubles and worries of the day. I have been bringing my headphones with me to chemo so that I can 'escape' during the hours of treatment. The power of music is clear. The change in my emotions simply by playing a certain song is powerful. It can uplift, inspire and change your mindset almost instantly. I have to admit that on occasion you could even catch me dancing around the kitchen.

Social Media

I seem to have this reputation of being obsessed with social media. I do enjoy viewing, posting and creating on social media but I don't consider myself obsessed. I use social media for many reasons: 

to share, to learn, to explore, to connect and to engage. I find it a great learning tool. It allows me to gather and share ideas, resources and learn from others around the world. I must admit that I enjoy it! When I focus on social media, I forget about my worries and it provides me moments to escape and focus on something else.  

Nature

Never underestimate the power of nature! Michelle and I try to go for walks as often as possible. Getting out in nature instantly changes my mindset. I am so grateful for the pathway system that has been created in Newmarket. We are so fortunate to be able to explore our town through a series of interconnecting walkways that are connected to nature. One of my passions is photography. Nature is often the focus on my photo shoots. Nature is beautiful.  It can calm you down. Getting out into nature always creates these moments for me. Give it a try!

Darcy

They say that dogs can sense when something is different or not right. Our dog Darcy has been by my side each day while at home. Wherever we go in the house, he is there with us. When I go for a short afternoon nap, Darcy is snuggled up next to me. He is by my feet when scrolling through my phone, he is with me when I sit outside to get some fresh air and sunshine. We are so blessed to have him as companion.

I am so thankful for these moments and thankful for the people and things that help me create these moments for me. Find your moments!

Food, Glorious Food! Update

I am pleased to report that I can once again can eat solid foods! Not all solid foods but many including: spaghetti, pasta, rice, grilled cheese etc. I even had some salty, crunchy chips during the last Leafs game! Not really a healthy choice, but boy did they taste good! 

Richard

Thoughts & Prayers

My family and I have been overwhelmed with notes, texts and messages of support. It is heartwarming to get these messages from family, current and past friends and acquaintances. It must be difficult to write something after hearing or reading the news. What do I say? 

I remember it being difficult to know what to say when I learned about others illnesses or diagnosis. How can you show that you care, that you are there for the person and want to help without intruding or worrying that you may not be saying the right thing. There is no right thing to say! 

Positive messages are always welcome. It is sometimes hard to remain positive when the news and results you are getting are not good and sometimes difficult to understand. Getting a little pick me up message, a joke, a smile, a 'I’m thinking of you' text goes along way to brightening your day. We need to do this everyday for others. We all need these positive thoughts. I challenge you all to send positive thoughts to others in your life each day. Start today!  

Cancer is unique to each individual. Often people try to relate to your cancer diagnosis by mentioning a family member or friend who has gone through their own cancer journey. Everyone means well and wants to share their personal connection to this terrible disease. It still surprises me the magnitude of  how many lives and families this terrible disease has impacted. I can't tell you the number of people who have come forward to say that they themselves have had cancer or a close family member has or has had cancer since I started my blog. I am shocked by this. 

Thoughts and prayers do mean a great deal. Messages of support, periodic check ins and positive thoughts are encouraged. Be mindful that responses may not always be possible but know that your message has been read and know how much it means to me and my family.

It is heartwarming to see the number of people that have said that they are praying for me or have ask others in their place of worship to pray for me. People from many different religious backgrounds. Regardless of who we worship or what we believe in, we all have one thing in common, we care for others. I am so blessed. 

A few days ago I found out that a work colleague of mine had passed away after a long battle with cancer. She fought courageously throughout. My thoughts returned to her smile, her positive attitude and her caring personality. My hope is that she did not suffer in the end and that she is now at peace. My thoughts of her and her family and my prayers to support her family at this difficult time continue.

Thoughts and prayers may not change outcomes but they do change mindset. Mindset is half the battle in my opinion. My one hope is that you will acknowledge others now, letting them know how you feel about them. Don't wait until you have to include..... you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Live this each day!

Richard