In my Shoes

This week's blog comes courtesy of My Michelle. Enjoy!

Every once in a while, Richard asks me to contribute to his weekly blog.  I'm always honoured that he asks me, but equally a little reticent.  I am by nature, a private person, and very protective of our family, but I know that those of you who follow his blog either know him personally and care about him,  are struggling with your own troubles or travelling your own cancer journey and find his words and perspective inspiring.  As you know, while Richard has been doing well,  his cancer has continued to progress and we have made the decision to move into a clinical trial.  A decision that was not made lightly, or easily, but made with hope.

Why is hope so important? Other than the obvious of wishing for a different outcome, I think that hope is important because it encourages that little self narrative that helps make our current situation a little more bearable.  We have to believe and keep doing something.  It's just how Richard and I are "wired".  I also think it's a self protection mechanism as well, because the alternative is to despair, and there is no sense wasting time there!  That's also how Richard and I are "wired", we definitely like to get things done, not waste time and definitely do not like a pity party.

But despite what you "think" and "do" and "hope", sometimes your worries will manifest anyway.  I have trouble sleeping, I can't help it, I can't fix it, it has just become my new way of managing.  I do feel a strong responsibility to help smooth the way to help ensure that Richard has everything he needs to be as comfortable as possible, help find those distractions that are so important to help him keep coping, to find time to ease the fears and concerns of our children at this time when they are also trying to launch and find their way.  I am a nurse and somewhat knowledgable in navigating the healthcare system and able to have the key conversations with his caregivers and I take on this responsibility.  Like caregivers who find themselves in this kind of situation, I do feel the pressure, but  I also wouldn't have it any other way.  He's my Richard, and I bear the responsibility with love.

We were walking a great deal before the snow, ice and winter slowed us down, and we look forward to getting outside more, to get walking. I know that these things all help to tire one out (in a good way), help with getting a good sleep and help with a more positive mood. It seems like it has been a long, cold winter and we are very looking forward to spring, to some warmer weather and sunshine, time together in our gardens and kicking back by the pool.

I started off this blog with the title "In my Shoes" with the intent to share just a few things from the caregiver perspective and dealing with this cancer journey.  I think the title should really be "In Our Shoes" because we are not in this alone - not Richard, not me, Jon, Josh or Sophie - there's a whole extended family and community here with us, and we are grateful for the support.

Wishing you a good night!

Love Michelle