One Year BLOGiversary!

Today marks the one year anniversary of My Personal Cancer Journey Blog. I really can't believe that it has been a year already.  To be honest, I really didn't expect it to reach the one year milestone but I am so thankful that it has and that I am still able to write and share posts and updates.

I decided to start this blog to share some of my cancer journey updates with family, friends and anyone else that was interested. It was a way to keep others informed and up to date with my journey as many were asking for updates and news. To my surprise it seems to have touched many of you in some way or another. I continue to be thankful for the comments and notes of support that have followed my blog posts. Words of encouragement, notes of support, personal comments about how a blog post has touched them in some way. These notes and comments mean so much to me and my family. It is so special when someone shares their personal link, connection or story with us about a blog post that we have shared that resonated with them. It continues to amaze me how cancer really does touch us all in some way.

My blog focus has always been on remaining positive and hopeful but also at the same time sharing the truth about this terrible disease. Despite the ongoing ups and downs that this journey presents, staying positive has been my one constant focus areas. I hope that I will be able to continue to share my journey with you for some time to come! 

Thank you all for joining me along this journey. It means the world to me to have you by my side.

Richard

Back to School Thoughts

This week is 'Back to School Week' for students, staff and families. Being an educator myself for over 30+ years, I can't help but think of my education colleagues that have been spending the past few weeks planning, organizing, hiring etc. in preparing for and in anticipation of the start of the school year. The general public doesn't really realize that the weeks leading up to the start of school are always busy and stressful for administrators, teachers and educational support staff alike. I can only imagine the heightened stress and anxiety they are feeling this year with all of the uncertainty, unknowns and possible health and safety concerns that they are facing and will have to deal with over the coming weeks and perhaps months. 

Back to school marks the end of summer and the start of fall. I can't believe how much has changed in education this past year since my retirement and cancer diagnosis. While I have been focused on my personal health struggles, the education world has been turned upside down. This school year will be like no other. Normally the school year has a familiar pattern and flow to it. It is generally predictable and most approach the start of school with excitement and anticipation. I am not sure this will be the case this year. Having responsibility for the safety and security of students can seem daunting at the best of times, but with the possibility of COVID-19 ever lurking, it has been taken to a whole new level. I salute all of you that have risen to the challenge and are working hard to minimize the health and safety concerns for all. You all rock!

Back to school for teachers/administrators is actually quite similar to that of the students. We too get our new back to school outfit and have that nervous anticipation for the first day of school. Most of us have back to school dreams (or nightmares) for a few days leading up to the first day. I know I did. Even now in retirement I am still dreaming about going back to school--when does that end?   

We always would take a back to school photo on our front step of our three kids - bright and shiny, new outfits, new shoes, new backpacks - excited to start a new year.  We still do this today, with just one left in university and looking toward an unusual year of online studies, we still took the requisite "back to school" photo.  I really need to line these all up in a photo essay and see how they have changed over all of these years.  A new project for me!

Last year we started the tradition of gathering up education retirees for a first day of school breakfast. This is my second year joining others for this special breakfast. We celebrate our freedom and wish our colleagues well as they start off a new school year. We also have a little fun by 'rubbing it in a little' that we get to linger over coffee. No "bells" for us anymore! I'm so thankful that I still have the energy to participate in these special moments with my colleagues and friends.

I do miss my job as an administrator. I miss interacting with staff and talking with students. It is amazing how young you remain when you intermix with students on a regular basis. I also miss the bus-y-ness of the school day. My days are now are filled with appointments, tests and treatments.  Working in education has been a wonderful career. I am so glad that I chose that career pathway.  Still I'm not sure, given the current circumstances, that I will miss it that much this year! It will be a wild ride this year for sure. Crazy times.

The one thing I am sure of is that senior admin, administrator and education staff will do their best to ensure a safe return to school for students and staff. By nature, staff are caring and thoughtful and will do whatever it takes to prepare for and adapt to changes needed to continue safe learning for all students. This return to school is like no other. 

Wishing all of my education colleagues all the best this school year.

To my fellow retirees, who wants to go for a (physical distance) coffee? 

Richard

Today's Forecast: Foggy with a chance of forgetfulness

Have you ever been in a fog? Most of us have at some point in our lives experienced forgetfulness or periodic moments of memory loss but when you are a person with cancer, chemo brain can be a real issue at times to deal with. It comes and goes but can leave you at times feeling disoriented and somewhat confused.

I was somewhat relieved to find that the experiences I was feeling, were acknowledged in both the Canadian and American Cancer Societies.  I found the definition according to the American Cancer Society,  described it pretty well and as the following and share it below:

What is Chemo Brain?

Sometimes people with cancer worry about, joke about, or become frustrated by what they describe as mental cloudiness or changes they might notice before, during, and after cancer treatment. This cloudiness or mental change is commonly referred to as chemo brain. Doctors and researchers may call chemo brain many things, such as cancer treatment-related cognitive impairment, cancer-related cognitive change, or post-chemotherapy cognitive impairment. The word "cognitive" refers to the way your brain works to help you communicate, think, learn, solve problems or remember.

Most define it as a decrease in mental "sharpness" and describe it as being unable to remember certain things and having trouble finishing tasks, concentrating on something, or learning new skills. Even though exact causes isn't known, it can happen at any time when you have cancer.

Some use the term 'chemo fog' to describe it instead of chemo brain. I feel that this is a better description of what it is like to have chemo brain. I would describe it as walking around in a state of fogginess. You can be unclear and unfocused. Sometimes I just kind of zone out.  As a person with cancer, these episodes of fogginess can be short ( a minute or two or for longer periods of time). Luckily they don't last too long. I find that for the most part,  I experience 'chemo fog' a day or two after chemo treatment.

Sometimes you forget the small stuff like names, places or what you are currently doing (why am I in the kitchen again)? Your brain is cloudy. Being foggy describes it well. It becomes harder to concentrate and think clearly. Luckily my chemo fog is fairly minor (at lease I think so, you would have to ask one of my family members for confirmation of that). It is generally sporadic, but when it happens is annoying and sometimes worrisome. I usually pride myself on being fairly sharp and alert for the most part.

It can be a bit embarrassing to be forgetful, especially when you temporarily forget someone's name that you should know well. I am the first to admit that I have always been bad with names but this is different. Forgetting someone's name that you know well or see often is concerning. Having chemo brain only amplifies my name recognition issues. 

Have you ever gone to the the grocery store to pick up a few items and return home with everything (including some extra items) but forget to buy the most important item or ingredient? I have. In fact it is becoming increasingly the case. I am in the grocery aisle and trying to remember what the items were again. I now put my grocery list into my phone so that I can refer to it if needed. Come to think of it, LOL, Michelle has been with me for some of these short grocery trips too. I guess it is just another example of sympathy symptoms on her part ( or it could be the lack of consistent sleep too).  

Life is foggy at times. We all can have moments of temporary forgetfulness. Sometimes forgetting is a good thing. I must say that I truly enjoy the moments when I forget that I have cancer! As a family we continue to have a clear focus on what is important, namely our family, creating memories and making the most of each day that we are blessed to have together. There is no fogginess there!

Stay focused everyone.  Keep moving forward through the fog!

Richard

Green Thumb Distraction

One of the ways that we have been keeping ourselves busy and distracting ourselves from our current 'situation' is through gardening. Michelle and I have always loved to garden. We have spent many years collecting, purchasing and dividing our perennials to create gardens around the house. We have been fortunate to have participated in a few perennial swaps over the years too, so for the most part we have not had to purchase many of our plants in our gardens. This is great news as we have alot of gardens throughout our property. Perennials are definitely the way to go. We both take great pride in making sure our backyard gardens look good at all times. This can  be somewhat time consuming but we have never regretted our time spent planting, weeding, watering or admiring the results of a day's work.

We love our trips to the local nurseries to check out the latest plants available. Each spring we make our annual trek to a variety of local nurseries to check out the beautiful blooms and backyard oasis products. We could spend a day and a fortune in them. Luckily we have good self control (for the most part) and usually leave with only the items we were coming in for in the first place (but not always)!

Gardening is a great distraction from life. You focus all of your attention on nurturing the soil, arranging the plants, caring for them and watching them grow and change throughout the year. This takes you away from your everyday worries. It becomes a daily task to keep on top of it all. It is great to see that when you select a good variety of flowers and plants to place in your garden, you will have a variety of blooms throughout the seasons. That is the goal, having a forever blooming garden. 

This year our vegetable garden has never been better. Last summer I built Michelle a three tiered container garden and she has filled it to the brim!  With themes for each section of course 

- salsa garden, herb garden, and a variety of different lettuces patch.  We were lucky enough to get our veggie plants early (as it seems that many people decided to take up the 'garden hobby' this year during our time spent social distancing). Our middle son Josh also got into the action, starting some of our plants from seed and contributing jalapeno peppers, romaine lettuce and basil.  I must say that there is nothing better than picking your own fresh tomatoes, peppers, onions or lettuce straight from your garden and making a wonderful meal with them, sort of like our own mini farm to table! Talk about fresh from the garden. Our oldest son Jon, thinks our vegetable garden should be bigger and we should be more sustainable, but our little "victory garden" is all we can handle at this time!

We have come to peace with sharing our veggie garden with a variety of little critters that help themselves to the lettuce and cherry tomatoes on occasion. Can you believe this! As I sit here in my lounge chair by the pool writing this blog post, a squirrel has just ran by me with a large green tomato in his mouth. I kid you not! If only they could help weed once in awhile!

Gardening takes patience and effort. The constant watering and weeding are endless. I swear that some of the weeds grow back before we have even finished the loop around the garden. In the hot, hazy days of summer, it seems that the weeds are the only plants that are flourishing. At one point this summer our grass was almost completely brown with small green patches (of weeds) growing sporadically throughout.  The darn things!  I must say that there are few things more satisfying when gardening then surveying your work when the weeding is done!

As a family project this summer, we have decided to create some stepping stones for our garden pathway. When the kids were small, given I was off in the summers, I would come up with a summer art project to help spark their creativity and help to keep them busy for a few days. When they were younger, we made mosaic tile art. This year, Sophie suggested that we return to this form of art and create mosaic tile stepping stones for the garden. Surprisingly, the boys were also game!  We have all the supplies ready to go. Our hope is to get them done over the next two weeks and before Sophie goes back to university this fall. They will make a great addition to our garden and will be a lasting memory for us all.

Whatever you are going through in your own life, might I suggest that you consider gardening as a therapeutic, natural way to deal with your stresses and anxieties. Trust me, you will not regret it. And if you don't have a green thumb, start small. Plant some hardy perennials like hostas in your outdoor garden (trust me, you can't kill hostas)! It has helped us to deal with our daily emotions, has given us a beautiful backyard view to admire each day, just a great place to start the day.

Happy gardening, we'll keep going with the never ending challenge of the weeds and the tug-of-war for the tomatoes with the squirrels!

Richard

 

Standing Tall Through it All

This week's blog comes courtesy of My Michelle.

We have thankfully approached that one year marker of Richard's diagnosis of stage IV esophageal cancer. I say thankfully, because the odds were against us and all evidence was pointing unbelievably, to a different outcome.  I often get asked "I don't know how you do it?".  Well the truth is, we really don't have much of a choice.  To give Richard the best possible chance, and the best quality of life, we have a chemo treatment plan, we have a follow up and testing plan, we have the excellent care of a health care team who are determined to help us get through it all.  Where we do have choice, is how we think, how we feel, how we treat one another, keeping connected with family and friends, and choosing to "stand tall through it all".

Standing tall, is not a new concept for our family.  It has been a value we have tried to instil in our children - encouraging them to stand up for what they believe in, make their decisions and then stand behind them, always be proud of who they are and to hold their head high.  

In a literal sense, it was one of the things that first drew me to Richard.  Richard always has stood tall, with a great sense of posture, always standing up for what and for those he believes in, always proud of who he is and our family. Richard has stood tall during his career in education, with his peers, his students and their families.

Richard has also approached his cancer journey, standing tall.  As his wife, it is one of the most difficult things to watch him go for treatments, supporting him, but not able to make it go away.  It has been worse with COVID 19 restrictions, where I can't even go into the treatments with him or sit by him in the chemo suite to keep him company.  I drive him to and from every treatment, make sure he is as comfortable as possible, that our bedding is changed and ready for his nap when he gets home (nothing is better than fresh sheets and blankets!), and that our home "sparkles and shines" and is as germ free as possible. He always walks into the hospital with his head high, his backpack confidently on one shoulder, and with purpose in his step.   I try to be strong, be his advocate and his comfort when he needs it.  I don't always stand tall, but I try.  I am a migraine sufferer and have found that I've had a few more than normal over this past year.  On one particular day when it was particularly bad, our kids said to me "Mom, you can't get sick.  If you go down, we all go down."  Certainly, more than ever I feel the need to stand tall and be strong, our family depends upon it.

I know we (and I) don't always have to be strong, that it's okay to give in and have a good cry, to reach out to others for a helping hand, and in fact it is healthy and necessary to do so!  Asking for help, and accepting help, helps us all "Stand Tall" and also gives a chance to others to share the load, and we can maybe "Stand Tall" together.

Proud to Stand Tall through it all and together, with you,

Love Michelle

  

Tired!

The title says it all. I am tired. I am tired in so many ways. I am tired of this disease and the limitations that it is creating for me and my family. I am tired of the side effects that are slowly interfering with my life. I am tired of waiting for what is next. I am just plain tired - but I am not giving up.

I am definitely tired of this disease. It has and continues to take away so much from me and my family. We continue to live in a constant state of limbo, and cloud of stress. We can't really plan our future with any great detail or long term timelines. It is hard to live your life or move forward (with hopes and dreams) when you live bound by a four week cycle, and this has been compounded by COVID 19 and restrictions. With treatment needed weekly, you can't venture off too far from home.  With treatment needed weekly, it also takes a few days before I feel a little like doing anything.  With treatment in a four week cycle, it is also hard to plan too far into the future, when you don't know whether or not your decreasing health and well-being will get in the way.  At the moment we live in "Carpe Diem". We need to really seize each day as it comes.  We need to re-energize, and do things, but I am just tired.

I am also getting tired of my side effects from taking my medications. I really shouldn't complain because compared to most, I think that I have few major side effects, but they are beginning to wear me down. But maybe that's just a reflection of how I feel today, as I write this blog.  One new side effect I am experiencing this time around, is visible is hair loss. I am starting to lose my hair. I am not really a vain person but I have always kind of thought my hair wasn't too bad! Losing it is definitely disappointing and is really the first visual sign of my disease. It is coming out very slowly (which is good), but there is a steady stream of hair loss. With my new haircut, it is not really that noticeable (at least I think so) but I am definitely shedding! My scalp is itchy too and I am constantly touching my hair according to my family, which isn't helping the hair situation at all.

Another side effect is my fatigue. My new chemotherapy meds have definitely made me more tired and less energetic. I am taking more frequent naps during the day. I used to love taking an afternoon nap on the weekend but now my naps seem annoying and far too frequent. This fatigue also seems to be taking away some of my enthusiasm. I am at times less optimistic and hopeful. Hopefully this is just a short term issue. Maybe the tiredness is wearing me down and making me feel blue, but I am just tired. 

On the positive side, because I do believe there is a positive side in everything, in just a few short weeks I will reach the one year anniversary of having being told I have stage IV, esophageal cancer. Although this doesn't seem like something to celebrate, this is really an amazing feat. We are happy and thankful that I will most likely be able to reach this milestone (considering the fact that my doctor only give me three months to a year, if we were lucky). I am beating the average. I am an outlier! I can still enjoy most of what life can offer. This is what we had hoped for. This is a good thing!

I am just tired,  but I am just as determined.

Richard

Don't poke the bear!

Sorry, this week's blog title may be a little bit misleading. Don't get me wrong, I am definitely not fond of getting needles jabbed into me, in fact I have spent a good portion of my life trying to avoid  them all together. I would dread my visit for the blood draws at the medical clinic after my annual physical to get my blood tested. "Make a fist" & "small poke" are two phrases that I still prefer not to hear. Like I was saying, the title is misleading because I don't turn into a bear when the nurse or technician is trying to get the needle in my vein, in fact I'm actually a very compliant patient (much to my surprise at times). My new reality is having at least two 'jabs' a week. It is now a part of my 'normal' everyday life. 

When you have cancer you have lots of needles poked into you! Some to draw blood, others to get an I.V. line going. During my last round of chemo treatments I had a PICC line installed so the number of 'jabs' was significantly less. However the downside of having a PICC line is already well documented in previous blog posts. So jab away I say! I guess I am starting to get used to it now but I must say that I still look away when they say "small poke". 

At times, getting the needle into a vein can be difficult. Sometimes they have a hard time getting a vein to cooperate. Nothing worse than having to be jabbed more than once to get it in.  I did not realize that veins could move. Let me tell you, they can. Sometimes they can be very stubborn. My record is four attempts before success. Sometimes they have to bring in reinforcements, the nurse on the floor that for what ever reason, always seems to be able to get it on the first time.  Where were they four times ago! Anyways -luckily most times it only takes one try!

I understand the importance of taking blood samples prior to my weekly treatment. The results of the blood tests are used to  determine whether or not I can go ahead with treatment the next day or week and determine if changes are needed to dosage of the chemotherapy drugs prior to having my treatment. I guess you can say that 'jabs' mean I can continue have treatment, so poke away and I'll try not to be a bear!

I want to pay tribute and say special thanks to those that get 'jabbed' voluntarily to give blood.  You amaze me!

Have a great weekend.

Richard

A Blessing and a Curse

This week has been both a blessing and a curse for me and my family.

The rollercoaster ride that cancer can take you on is always mixed with both positive and negative news. There are ups and downs, highs and lows and sometimes you can experience both in the very same day! Small victories and minor defeats are part of life as a patient with cancer, especially a stage 4 cancer patient. As a family we try to celebrate the victories and downplay the defeats. We pray for as many small victories along the way as possible. We are thankful that we have had a few!

This week we experienced both a small blessing (at least we think it is) and a minor curse (hopefully). In a previous blog I mentioned that my medical team has been monitoring a small tumour in my brain that they were unsure of whether or not was cancerous.  Last week I had my next scheduled MRI followed by my consult with my radiation oncologist . I am pleased to report that they feel that this tumour is not cancerous. They will continue to monitor it but its a small victory! We take it when we can get it!

On the concerning side, my hiccups have returned and are becoming more frequent during eating. It is becoming difficult to eat tough meats like steak or well done meats. At the moment, I seem to be able to tolerate other meats but need to cut them into smaller pieces and eat them slowly. My years in education (both as a teacher and administrator) have trained me to eat fast (and usually on the go!). I have had to slowly retrain myself to slow down while eating. Still a work in progress according to my family. 

In my blog post Food, Glorious Food! I talk about how I had to change to a liquid only diet. Let me tell you that this is something that I hope I don't have to return to. A liquid only diet is not something that I would wish on anyone. Don't get me wrong, I will struggle through it if I have to.

When I start to hiccup at the dinner table or have difficulty eating, you can see the look of concern on the faces of my family members. This is probably due to the fact that it reminds us all of how my cancer journey began and what it has taken away from our lives already. My hope is that this is only a small set back. Only time will tell what is in store for me regarding food. In the meantime, we will consider this a minor curse and hope for the best. I will continue to eat all my favourite food (minus the well done steak) until the point where this may not be possible.

I encourage you to savour the flavours of your favourite foods (don't take them for granted) and enjoy the social interactions that eating together with others (family & friends) provides. Celebrate your blessings, no matter how small, and don't forget to enjoy your steak (LOL).

Richard

Our Photographer

This week's blog is courtesy of My Michelle .

Our home is filled with photographs.  Some are framed and covering most of the available table tops and walls.  Some are in boxes and stored on shelves, in drawers and under dressers.  Lots are on hard drives and stored electronically.  Many are school age photos of our kids, the trusty photo shoots from Sears, proud memories of proms and graduations (our own and our kids), birthdays, anniversaries and family holiday times together. Images that chronicle important events and candid moments in our lives together.

And then you come up the stairs and turn the corner and you see a collection of a different kind, a gallery sampling of some fine quality photography - mainly wildlife, flowers and birds, taken by Richard.   His other personal favourite images to post are "food", and he has been known for posting on facebook some of the more grand Sunday roast dinners and various baking challenges we've might have gotten up to over the years - and there were many!  He actively posts his images on various social and photo club platforms, some have over 30,000 views. Many are very, very good.  I've encouraged him to sell some of the images, but he is reluctant to do so, and I always wondered why.

I myself am not much of a photographer- I'll take a selfie now and again, capture a moment on my phone of something that takes my eye, but generally that job has fallen to Richard to capture the special family moments and memories.  A role not limited only for our immediate family, but our extended family as well.  We  often tease him, our personal papparazzi, as he was always snapping photos, taking so many, to get that perfect one!  But as life goes, and with so much having changed, people who have left us, looking back through all of the images, we are all so glad we have them, and importantly, that he took them.  

Now the challenge with always being the photographer, is you are behind the camera and not as often in front of the camera. So as much as you are a part of the event, with the eye of an artist,  knowing the people so well, and in that quest to capture the perfect moment, he's not always in the photograph! Richard invested in a tripod with a remote control so in recent times, we were able to get all of us in a number of shots, or we would take turns taking the snaps.

I have always been a little cavalier about photos, happy to have them after they are done, glad I bought all of those Sears portfolios of the kids (I was always a sucker to buy the whole thing!), grateful to have them all and the meaning of life they truly represent.   I've never been a person to create reams of photo albums, or scrapbooks, was always too busy or had other things to do.  As organized and a planner as Richard is, surprisingly he didn't push for this either.  But now we plan to go through those boxes and get things in order, print off some of our favourites that currently exist in the digital world, and give some away to others who may enjoy them and take comfort in "remembering when"

Now I get it, especially as you face how fleeting and fragile life can be, the value of capturing those photos. I am so glad he did.  I also get why he doesn't want to sell some of his more artistic ones.   They are a part of him, the things he saw that had some beauty or interest to him personally, something that spoke to him.

Keeping his love in our photographs, my photographer.  

             

Richard's Flickr Photo Gallery

Love, Michelle

Gone Fishin'

This week we had the good fortune to be able to get away for a few days to a cottage on Lake Musoka in Gravehurst, Ontario. It was a glorious few days up in beautiful cottage country. I had forgotten how majestic it was up in Musoka. A true Canadian paradise. This was all made possible thanks to the generosity of a work friend and her family who graciously let us stay at her family cottage. This was my week off of chemotherapy and we took advantage of the time off and freedom, to get away. This cottage trip was a wonderful reprieve from our everyday routines and weekly appointments and provided us with a glorious, picturesque location (as we have not been venturing out much these days) to rest, relax and enjoy family time together. We all seemed to enjoy the serenity, the quiet and the chance to be one with nature again. Nothing makes you slow down and count your blessing like a trip to the cottage.

One of the highlights of the trip was the fishing! When I was younger my family owned a cottage and we spent most of my summers there and I used to go fishing almost everyday. I loved to troll the shores of the lake for bass, pike and perch. It was a great lake to catch fish. They always seemed to be biting. My parents sold the cottage when I was in my early twenties. At the time, I was focused on my new life and didn't visit the cottage that often. It was becoming too much for my parents to handle, so they sold it. I have always regretted it. Once we moved to York Region my opportunity to go fishing diminished considerably. I have not really gone fishing in a boat since 2012. Thanks to my wonderful work friends, they arranged for Jon, Josh and I to have a guided fishing excursion on Lake Muskoka (the girls opted to lounge on the deck, lakeside). Our guide Mike took us on his professional fishing boat to all the great fishing spots on the lake. I even bought a new fishing rod, reel and tackle box full of new lures. I always wanted to take the boys fishing and this was my chance. We had a great morning of fishing and caught a variety of fish including walleye, bass, pike and perch. So glad they were biting that morning. Nothing better than that feeling when a fish takes your bait- fish on! As you

can see from the smiles on their faces, I think the boys had a good time! We caught enough for a great fish fry. The girls meanwhile enjoyed their time on the dock, reading and relaxing with their morning coffee- and there may have been a trip into town.

We also enjoyed a quick trip into Gravenhurst later that day to do a bit of sightseeing and shopping too. In the evening, we made a reservation on the patio at a local restaurant and had a wonderful dinner on the patio with all five of us. It just doesn't get any better than that. Although the time in Muskoka was short, we made the most of it and enjoyed every minute.

You might be asking at this point, what does this have to do with cancer. I might have asked the same thing reading this blog. The answer is absolutely nothing! Sometimes you just want to forget about cancer (even just for a few days). This wonderful trip allowed my family to forget all about cancer, our medical issues and worries for just a few days and simply enjoy our beautiful country in all its natural glory and quiet time together with each other. What more can you ask for. Words can not express how much this time away meant to me personally and

how much I enjoyed our much needed quiet time together by the lake. We are already planning our next excursion for my next week off chemo in the middle of August. Hopefully it will include more chances to go fishing (and shopping :) ) too!

Life is better at the cottage!

Richard

I'll get by with a little help from my friends!

For this week's blog, I wanted to take some time to let you know, just how much of a difference it makes to me to be able to connect with each and every one of you.  I can honestly say, that if it was not for the support of my family, friends & colleagues, I do not think I would have made it this far and be here today. My determination and will power not only comes from you all, it truly amplifies it. It can be so easy to just give up, feel defeated and let cancer win. There are moments when you are so tired and emotionally drained that you start to lose hope and for a split second feel 'what is the point in fighting this battle, when the outcome is already determined for you'. But then there are moments of hope, of optimism, of resilience that push you to fight on. To fight for every extra day that you get, to fight for the chance to continue to experience more of life's moments, to fight to not be the "typical patient". Often these sparks of optimism and resiliency come when I am thinking of my family and friends. I want to be here to experience life with you all. You all make me want to fight on!

I am so very thankful for the outpouring of support that I continue to have from so many of you. Words can't adequately express what it really means to me and to my family. To have someone take the time out of their own busy lives to drop a note, a text, a call, leave a blog comment, reach out, take time to have a coffee, this is overwhelming to me.  It means the world to me to know that others are thinking about and praying for me and my family. I often think and worry about those that do not have a support network behind them like I do. We all need an army of support to continue our cancer battle. Who is pushing them to keep up the good fight? Who is giving them the positive messages of support and encouragement? We all need someone to be our advocate and champion. 

We don't often realize that the small gestures that we show towards others can make such a big difference in their lives. A simple smile, a hug (when we can hug again!), a text or email or letter, a phone call, or an offer of support can truly make a difference. I am humbled by those that have reached out that I have not had contact with for many years. Those that have taken the time to reach out to me and offer their support. Old work and high school colleagues, old friends that we have lost contact with, all reaching out and cheering me on. I know this is not easy, I know it's hard to know what to say.  For me, I feel I am truly blessed. 

Fighting cancer can be a lonely battle, even with family and friends by your side, but knowing that others 'have your back' and are quietly or vocally supporting you in their thoughts and prayers, helps to keep you going. 

The little photo of the friendship plaque, is a piece that hangs in our kitchen, a gift from a kind lady years ago and was given to us as a "thank you" and is a memory of such fun times shared. A small token, but one that we hang proudly in our home and is a reminder of the power of friendship. She too is fighting her cancer battle "across the pond" and we think of her and her family often and wish her well.  It was the perfect image for today's blog.

Thanks to all for your ongoing support and encouragement. It is making a difference. 

Oh, and I get by with a little help from my friends! 

Richard

Fireworks - It's not what you think!

 This week's blog post was written on Tuesday, June 30th.

I am writing this blog post sitting in my chemo chair in the cancer centre on this glorious Tuesday morning. This week I was fortunate to have a chemo chair by the window overlooking the beautiful newly planted hospital gardens, with a blue sky and the sun shining so brightly over the town of Newmarket. If I wasn't sitting here in this chair right now, I would most certainly be sitting by our pool drinking my second cup of coffee, talking with Michelle and watching the birds in our backyard take their morning bath in our birdbath. Being here, stuck in this chair, gives me lots of time to think, contemplate and write.  My treatment today will last 2.5 hours. I am currently in my second round of treatment in this new series. My new chemotherapy plan calls for weekly chemo infusions in a three week cycle. Every fourth week I have a week off. Yay!

I found out that I don't need a PICC line installed on my arm this time. This means no bottle buddy ! I sure don't miss him. (For those of you that don't know who bottle buddy is, it was the nickname given to my portable chemo bottle that I had to wear for a week at a time during my last series of chemotherapy). Having no bottle buddy means that I can still go swimming, take showers without assistance and wear short sleeved t-shirts. Wonderful news for sure, especially over these hot summer days. For the moment, I am free to enjoy all that summer offers.

Internal Fireworks

My side effects this time seem to be a little harsher. The days following my treatment have been tiresome. I'm not as energetic (hyper) as I usually am. I seem more irritable and 'grumpy'. At times I have what can best be described as 'mini fireworks' happening inside my body. These little 'sparks' or 'zaps' seem to be most intensified in my legs & arms but sometimes they occur throughout my body. They are not really painful but do cause some discomfort and are surprising at times. It's like I am having my own mini Canada Day fireworks display going on inside my body, lol.  Luckily, so far, I still don't have any nausea or vomiting. This is great news to me.  I also have infrequent numbness in my arms and hands, but overall I do feel fortunate to still have mostly minor side effects at this time. We shall see how it goes as we continue these treatments. Fingers crossed it stays this way.

As I sit here in my chair, I sometimes sneak a little peak at the other cancer patients in their chairs. It is really hard not to do this as you are literally sitting directly across from another patient and there also five others in close proximity. Why are these chairs always full? It always amazes me the number of people that are here. I arrived at 8:30 a.m. this morning as one of the first patients to be seen and by 9:15 all of the chairs were full. There is definitely not a lot of privacy here. Sometimes you see other cancer patients sneaking a peek back at you too. Your eyes make contact for a brief moment. What are they thinking? Probably the same think that I am thinking, why are you here? As I look around the room at some of the other patients receiving their treatment, many of them look very frail, quite pale and seem exhausted from their treatments. This makes me feel like an imposter. I on the other hand have a nice summer tan happening and am generally quite chipper during treatment. If you saw me, you could never tell that I have cancer. This reminds me how important it is to remember that we can't always see the burdens that others are carrying with them. It is so important to treat others with kindness because you don't know what others are going through.

As the time passes in the chair and I sit here listening to music and continue to write this blog post, I hope and pray that these treatments are all worth it. Will they really make a difference? I am openly agreeing to have toxins administered into my body to fend/fight off my cancer. Will they help to stop the spread of my disease? Only time will tell. Right now this is my best and only defence in this important fight. 

It's time to keep calm and carry on! I only have a few more minutes left in treatment until I can enjoy that cup of coffee with Michelle in the backyard! This morning, with you, having coffee.

Richard

Together Is My Favourite Place To Be

This week's blog is courtesy of My Michelle

I am sitting and writing this little note with my laptop on my knee, outside, my feet  up on an ottoman and looking out over our backyard.  What a view!  Our gardens have really come along this year, and with most of them being perennials, we are just getting ready for the summer time show and next round of blooms now that the peonies are fading.  Richard is lounging on the sofa beside me, finally taking time to relax and rest a bit - admiring all of his hard work.  He is my chief gardener, flower bed digger upper,  and all around pool maintenance guy!  It's a hard thing to get him to slow down and rest.  He is always up, busy, finding something to do, or fix, or organize.  But you see, this week we have entered into the second round of chemo, and this is hitting him a little harder than the last series.  A few more side effects, a bit more fatigue, and well the acknowledgement really of the need to slow down, just a bit.  I must admit it's hitting me harder too emotionally.  This week I find too, that the kids  are a little more sombre, a little more considerate and checking in on their dad.

We've been planning a few day trips to visit some of our favourite local spots, with the next one on our list to be the beautiful Niagara on the Lake.  We had a lovely day planned for tomorrow and are just discussing should we go or not.  Our conversation is going something like "Well, it is a bit of a drive, we are kind of tired, what will it really accomplish".  We need to be careful as he is immunocompromised and of course be in consideration with the ever present risks of COVID-19.  But at the end of the day, we are hoping that a change of scenery, maybe a stop at a special little hat store (I want to buy him a hat!), pick up a bottle of wine or two and just getting away, will give our spirits a little lift.  Sometimes you just have to put one foot in front of the other, venture out and go for it!    

We certainly had plans for more grand adventures, more travel, more experiences in far a way places.  While at times we are disappointed that things are not quite working out the way we planned,  I have to say,  all of that really doesn't matter, not really, because together, well that's my favourite place to be.

Love 

Michelle