Home is where the heart is......

This week's blog is co-written by Michelle and myself, a new way to get the blog done on time and with some sort of coherence!   These pain medications sure do play tricks on the mind and I do find it hard to type and write a sentence.

I am fully switched over to palliative care now. Luckily they have a great unit and team of doctors to care for me and us right here in Newmarket. Which is such a blessing, being so close to home, and actually, in our home. So what exactly is palliative care? Up until this point, I didn't really understand it myself. 

Basically, palliative care starts when all other treatments and options have been unsuccessful and the focus of care is on comfort and maintaining the best quality of life for as long as you can.  It is a time for thinking and preparing for difficult decisions and moments, and for having the supports as they are needed in place, whether that is for personal care, nutrition, pain management and support for our family.  It takes great people to be able to work in this area - I really take my hat off to them - it can't be easy.  I also never realized how many people, roles and agencies were involved in the care of someone at home.  It is just amazing and that this seems to all come together.  Again, my thank you for the team at Southlake for their efforts on my behalf.

I am so pleased to still be at home and managed at home.  We are still sorting out the right balance of pain medication to help with my back pain, but also keep me well enough to be up and able to connect with my family.  Right now, I sleep a lot - I mean a lot and in sleep I have less pain, but I do not want to sleep my life away.  I do not have much of an appetite, but I do find that the sweets do go down pretty well!  Michelle has kept me in "butter tarts" and for that I am thankful LOL.

We have been working to get some visits in with family and friends as I can, and this has been so good for my morale.  For some reason I've lost my taste for coffee which is odd, but I love to get together with others and let them have coffee while we visit.

As we head into this long weekend, the last one of summer, treasure your family,  spend time together, and I know that you too will appreciate "there is no place like home".  

Home is where the heart is........

Richard & Michelle

This week, it's your turn!

This weeks blog comes courtesy of My Michelle

This week, it’s your turn to write the blog Michelle!

We are all so amazed that Richard has posted over 100 blogs and continues to share his personal cancer journey and its impact on our lives, over the past two years without missing a single week.  There may even have been a time or two, when there were two entries in a week!  Unbelievable!  Sometimes when we set ourselves a goal, it is human nature to pursue it with all “pistons firing” for the first attempts or two, but then with time, we tend to wane and ease off.  Not Richard.  He has approached the blog and communication with you, with the same grit, determination and commitment that he approaches his life, and this recent chapter – his battle with cancer.  But on occasion, he ropes me in and asks me to do a guest blog.  This week he was sure to remind me (many times I might add) that “this week, it’s your turn”.

I find this week however, that I don’t have a lot to say, feel “yes”, but say “no”.  There have been times this week when I have been overwhelmed, I have been exhausted, I have been sad, and yes, I must admit – I have been angry that this is what life has dealt us and at the prime of our lives.  The rational side of me knows that cancer does touch so many families and their loved ones, why should we spared?  

This week, I’ve also been touched by the generosity of others, your responsiveness, willingness to help, and reaching out to Richard to share a smile or two.  I know it is very difficult and hard to know what to say or do.  At times I don’t know what to do myself.  But I wanted to say that just by reaching out and letting us know you are thinking of us, is very helpful.  Keeping in touch with him is invaluable in terms of keeping his spirits up.  We are trying to get in some visits now and again over the coming days and weeks with family, friends and colleagues as Richard feels up to it which is usually every other day for about a hour.

This week, we also felt pride.  Last Friday, July 16th our son Jonathan completed his “century ride” in honour of his dad and raising money to support the “Ride to Conquer Cancer”.  He achieved 100 miles cycling in one day.  Richard, despite being just discharged from hospital, was able to make it to one of the rest stops we had arranged and show his love and support for Jon and his efforts. A cheerleading squad like no other.  Your support continued to roll in – and at the last 18 kms to go, an additional $500 in donations came in – giving Jon the impetus he needed to finish it off.  It was close to 2 am when he rolled in, finishing the ride.

This week (and everyday), I am amazed at our wonderful children.  This week and every week, our son Josh is so caring and concerned for his dad, stopping on his way home from work, and bringing home “treats” or anything he thinks might tempt Richard to eat and take in some more calories.  He is a big supporter of the Timmie’s Run for cinnamon buns with extra frosting, or a mango hurricane from Booster Juice, two things that always seem to tempt Richard (although not the most nutritious – but who cares!).  Sophie remains laser focused on her Opal and Fern business and her graduate school preparations, consulting with Richard along the way on the direction of her business and her study plans.  She is home with us 24/7 electing to “work from home” and spend the summer with us and Richard, giving and receiving the gift of time together.

This week has gone by way too fast, as they all do.  I know I said I didn’t have much to say, but I guess in the end, I really do.    Most of all, what I’d like to say this week – while I may have grumbled about it at the time – “Thank you Richard” for the opportunity to have this voice and blog, thank you for our wonderful life together,  thank you for being such an inspiration and handling all of this with dignity, grace and undaunting spirit.  

You are my hero.

All My Love,

Michelle XOX

PS.  Next week, it’s back to you Richard! It's your turn.

Home Sweet Home 2

Home Sweet Home Part 2

After what seemed like an eternity, I was finally released from the hospital on Wednesday after six grueling days with less than two hours of sleep per night. You do not fully realize the impact of all the noises in a hospital until you stay overnight. Beeps and buzzers, staff carting things through the hallways, doors slamming and the constant announcements.  While I am thankful for the wonderful care I had, on the sleep side of things - not so much.  I so desperately wanted to be home with my family, but my high fever and medical condition at the time, couldn't make that possible. 

I am so thankful to be home with my family and in the comfort of my own home. Being with family just helps you heal faster or at least feel better. Even though I am still struggling with sleep due to some ongoing pain, having my own bed, my own pillow, our air condition and ceiling fan, the darkness in our bedroom -  it really is my sanctuary. 

For now and moving forward, we will take things one day at a time.  Things have progressed, I'm off the clinical trial program, but I am still a fighter!  A lean, mean cancer fighting machine!

Ride to Conquer Cancer

Today is the day! Our son Jon has challenged himself to support cancer research and Princess Margaret Hospital, through biking 160 km. Today he begins that journey. We are so proud, and it looks like the weather is cooperating - not too hot or humid and the rain is holding off.  He has surpassed his goal three times already, reaching his first goal of $1000 dollars on his very first day registered! His current donations reached is at $2303. Thanks to all that have supported him, again much appreciated. It's not too late, you can still make a donation at the following link: 

Jon Erdmann's Page- Individual Rider

Princess Margaret Hospital is a world class research centre and working hard to find treatments and cures for cancer patients. Money well donated, I would say. 

Enjoying being home sweet home, and getting rest in my big comfy bed and still fighting,

Richard

What a Difference Two Weeks Makes!

Well thank goodness I had already prepared the 100th blog and only had a few minor changes and edits or most likely there would not have been a blog ready for last week's 100th edition. Let me explain further.

We have been planning a family vacation for some time now and last week was the week! We had booked one beautiful week at a cottage up in the Haliburton Highlands outside the town of Bancroft. We were all looking forward to it, time away from home, getting back to nature and hopefully some time to take our minds off our life circumstance and just relax and maybe get out on the lake. The weeks leading up to the vacation did not look promising as my aches and pains did not provide me with my comfort and we worried that I couldn't make the car ride and the fact that we would be two and half hours away from the larger hospitals. Michelle even asked if we should postpone or cancel but we make the decision to continue on (we could always turn back or come back home if needed), besides there was a small hospital in the town of Bancroft that we could get to. It would be all right, but I knew she was uncomfortable with the plan. We packed up the car (to the brim, I might add) and made our way. Josh and our dog Lily stayed home because he had to work and we knew Lily would add extra stress at the lake. Josh would be joining us later in the week. 

Michelle drove us all up to the cottage and we made it there in record time. I started to get chills and the shakes in the car ride up (thank goodness for Lily's blanket that we found in the back seat) , but it was a very hot day and we had the air conditioner on full tilt, especially so it would reach Jon and Sophie in the back seat.  We didn't think too much of it, because Michelle was also cold in the car, and thought perhaps it was the A/C.  When we arrived, I did what I could to help them unpack the car, but still felt chilled, so I went straight to bed. I kept saying how cold it was in the cottage, but that didn't make sense as Michelle and kids were hot, and did not find the cottage cold at all.  

I developed a high fever on the first night there, but it came down with tylenol and advil.  Michelle and the kids wanted to pack up and go home, if it wasn't for my stubbornness, I think that is what we would/should have done.  But to be honest, I downplayed it, and said we should try to stay. The fever did go down on Tuesday and we spent some lovely time during the day down by the water (although I did spend most of the day in bed too). I was feeling warm Tuesday night, my temp was just under the fever threshold of 38, but clearly something was not right and at 2 am, Michelle had the kids packing up and on standby ready to go.  She had already scoped out the nearest hospital, but again the temp came down hovering around normal, and I wanted to wait. Actually I was adamant that we wait. I did not want to ruin the family trip.  By Wednesday the fever had returned sitting at the threshold of 38 (it was heavily raining and wet), Michelle came into the room and quietly said, we can be packed up and ready to go in 5 mins - I need you home and in Newmarket. Bad things don't just go away, fevers just aren't a symptom to be ignored.  I finally agreed, and we packed up and came home. To be honest, I just wanted to crawl into my own bed.

After consulting with our medical team  we headed to the emergency department as we were getting quite concerned about what was happening. Princess Margaret Hospital was calling ahead to ensure they knew my medical history and that we were coming.  To make a long story short, after spending fourteen hours (that is not misprint, 14 hours - 13 of which were in a chair and crowded in a waiting room in the ER), I was finally admitted to the hospital.  For 1 hr of the wait, we had an exam room with a bed in it, and there was no way Michelle was going to let them kick us out of the room until I was admitted!  We were able to turn the lights down low and I was able to stretch out and have an ice pack, which helped a lot to make me more comfortable while we continued to wait.

They have done a series of tests during that fourteen hours and now that I've been in hospital as well as running a cocktail of antibiotics. The news that we were hoping not to have to hear (for quite a bit longer), were finally being spoken to us. The tumours were continuing to grow.   I would be moving on to palliative care focused on pain management rather than fighting the disease itself any further.

I am still in the hospital for a week now, trying to find the correct combination of painkillers to live as comfortable a life as possible and make sure the antibiotics are fighting the infection.  I want to be at home, and for a long as possible.

As devastating & disappointing as this news is for me and my family, we can still be proud of the battle we gave. Like so my people  before us and so many long after us, it is worthy to try and fight it, there are many medical advances, but cancer is an equally worthy opponent. 

We are now in the process of palliative care and with what this  means for me and us, as a family. In the weeks and hopefully months to come we will shift the focus of our blogs in this direction.

We hope you will join us!

Richard

100 Blogs

Well look at that! We have reached a milestone, 100 blog posts!

I am not much of a writer, but  I thought that I could manage sharing a few stories about my cancer journey. Here we are twenty-one months and 100 blogs later,  I am still here,  and still writing weekly blogs with the help of My Michelle.  I have to admit that there were times when I thought, why am continuing to write this blog? People have their own personal issues and concerns. They will lose interest and who really wants to hear about my personal struggles and successes with cancer anyway? 

Over time, I have come to realize though the thoughtful messages, comments and notes, that we are all dealing with cancer in some way or another, either personally or with a loved one, or a close friend or colleague. Cancer really does touch us all. My weekly blog writing, has for me become a source of purpose, of hope and a wonderful way to chronicle this crazy journey we are on while keeping my extended family, friends and colleagues updated on my weekly progress (or lack of progress). 

Others have told me that it inspires them, reminds them of their own cancer journey or that of someone they know or cared for. This makes me proud and thankful that I decided to share. I have learned that I am not in this journey alone. Besides my family, I have a 'army of support' around me.  

I wanted to share with you the titles of my 100 blog posts, not to brag or be boastful but to celebrate that I am still here, fighting this disease and because they truly represents my journey thus far. You can see from the titles that there have been many twists and turns and many ups and downs along the way. Who knows where this journey will take us next or how long it will continue. This is my life, as we know it now. Like any good drama or thriller, we are not at the climax of the story yet! This is my cancer journey, thanks for coming along for the ride with me. 

My Personal Cancer Journey Blog- By Richard & Michelle Erdmann

1. Unwelcomed News

2. Over the Next 20 Days

3. Needles, Tests and Scans Oh My!

4. Food, Glorious Food!

5. Hurry up and Wait!

6. My Radiation 101

7. You are Not Alone

8. My Chemo 101

9. Thoughts and Prayers

10. In those Moments

11. Blessing or Burden?

12. Stuck in Neutral

13. Cancer touches so many of us!

14. Side Effects: Short Term Pain for Long Term Gain?

15. Sometimes.... Laughter is the best medicine!

16. My Michelle 

17. Ups and Downs

18. Supporting Cancer Research

19. Family- Home Sweet Home

20. Darcy- My Faithful Companion

21. New Year, New Decade

22. Kitchen Dancing

23. Side Effects: The 5 Senses

24. My "Bottle Buddy"

25. Beating the Average

26. World Cancer Day- February 4th

27. Spring Cleaning- Got Junk?

28. Words to Live By

29. Family is Everything!

30. Why am I still taking out the garbage?

31. Trying to find joy, everyday!

32. SCAN-xiety!

33. Uncertain Times

34. Everyday Heroes!

35. The Power of Walking

36. Home Movies: Treasuring the Moments

37. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming!

38. Today's Forecast: 100% Change of Waiting!

39. This morning, with you, having coffee

40. Honouring Mothers

41. Unsinkable #unsinkable

42. Is this our new Normal?

43. Anticipating a perfect summer day!

44. Remember When....

45. Celebrations and Milestones

46. SCAN-xiety 2.0 Unwelcome News

47. Celebrating Fathers

48. Together is my favourite place to be

49. Fireworks- It's not what you think!

50. I'll get by with a little help from my friends!

51. Gone Fishin'

52. Our Photographer

53. A Blessing and a Curse

54. Don't Poke the Bear!

55. Tired!

56. Standing Tall Through it All

57. Green Thumb Distraction

58. Today's Forecast: Foggy with a chance of forgetfulness

59. Back to School Thoughts

60. One Year BLOGiversary!

61. I get knocked down... but I get up again!

62. Birthday Season: A.K.A. Cake Month!

63. Here we go again!

64. Happiness is Medicine too Dad!

65. Waiting!

66. Our Life is like a Roller Coaster!

67. Bottle Buddy is Back!

68. Finding Distractions!

69. What's For Dinner?

70. Holiday Traditions

71. Thursdays!

72. Let the Countdown Begin!

73. For the Birds!

74. New Year, New Hope!

75. Groundhog Day!

76. I Want to Break Free!

77. Back to the Drawing Board

78. Not Playing the Waiting Game!

79. B is for Biopsy

80. Sometimes I forget!

81. Supporting my local Hospital and Cancer Centre

82. Negative/Positive

83. In My Shoes

84. And So it Begins Again....

85. 1st....2nd....3rd....

86. A Room with a View: Looking out my Hospital Window

87. Home Sweet Home

88. Putting on our Shoes

89. When In Sickness and in Health, Really Matters

90. Take a Deep Breath In - Hold It - Breathe Out  

91. PIVOT!  SEIZE TODAY!

92. When one door slams shut.... another door opens!

93. Summer Breeze

94. Rainy Day Blues

95. 33

96. Journey vs. Battle

97. Lean Mean Cancer Fighting Machine!

98. If I am knitting, everything must be ok, right?

99. Pain in the @#$% !

100. 100 Blogs

Again thank you for traveling this journey with us. We appreciate your ongoing support and words of encouragement along the way. We continue to hope for the journey to continue for as long as possible and we thank you for joining us along the way!

Richard & Michelle

Pain in the @#$% !

Well this second clinical trial treatment is certaining hitting me harder than the first or any other previous treatment really. Hopefully that is a sign that things are working and making a difference! I am tired, irritable and can't seem to get comfortable for any length of time. I am napping more than usual and just don't seem to have the same level of energy that I used to have. 

It has crossed my mind, that this may not be the new treatment at all that is causing this discomfort and irritability, but is an evolution and the progression of my symptoms with time. On the other hand, or glass half full perspective -  perhaps my new treatment is working and is fighting my cancer on the inside and this pain is the price to pay on the battlefield. I am hoping that it is the latter of course and all this discomfort will be worth it -- that it is making a difference and is actually shrinking my tumors. 

One of issues I am having this  this time around is back pain (and well something else we don't often talk about, constipation).  Dealing with the first issue - I don't know about you but next to ear aches, I find back pain  most frustrating as you can't really solve the issue. You can subdue it for awhile but it always seems to come back. It is not debilitating pain (at the moment at least) but a constant annoying pain that increases and decreases in intensity throughout the day (or the night for that matter). It is the type of pain that doesn't let you get very comfortable either sitting or lying down. The problem with taking pills to help with the pain, is other complications start to occur.  For example, one of the side effects of the codeine is it can cause - yes I am saying it in a blog - constipation. They sure do!  This is also a potential side effect of my immunotherapy medications. A double whammy. Yippee! Which brings us to my second symptom, a real pain in the @#$%! It seems that to try to solve one problem, you create another one!  Not really a great topic of discussion really but I promised to be honest in my blog and wanted to share some of the negative sides to having cancer, beyond the cancer itself.  I have never been the type of person to take numerous medications for my ailments, but my list of daily pills and supplementary pills is beginning to grow.

I am back to taking some meal replacement drinks to supplement my calorie intake. Despite being stubborn, reluctant and holding off for a long as I could, I had to admit defeat and return to using them to help provide me with my daily nutritional needs. This brings back memories of the beginning of my cancer journey when they were my primary source of nutrition. I hoped to not return there if possible.  

Overall I should not be complaining as I am sure that there are many other cancer patients out there that have it much worse than me in terms of side effects and pain and wish this was all the side effects that they had. I shouldn't complain really, in fact I need to come to the realization that it may get much worse as time goes on. We shall see. For right now while there is pain it seems bearable and manageable and I can live with this level of discomfort. 

100 Blogs!

Next week is a special week for My Personal Cancer Journey blog as we celebrate 100 blog posts. I can't really believe we have reached this milestone and I never expected to still be here writing this weekly blog for this long. An amazing milestone for sure.  Be sure to check out next week special blog post.

In the meantime, as the saying goes:  "no pain, no gain" right? Let's hope so. 

Richard